Points for being bored

It’s boring, let me tell you some embarrassing experiences.

When I was a child, I went upstairs to find my mother, and ended up falling down the stairs. The stairs in our house were spiral stairs, so imagine that.

Just give me points if you laugh.

Tell me some more jokes that I have cherished for a long time

The train entered the tunnel, it was dark, only a kiss was heard, and then a slap.

The train came out of the tunnel, and the four strangers didn’t say a word. Only Man A’s eyes were blue.

The old lady thought: "The little girl has a beautiful heart and a beautiful person."

The girl thought: "Strange, Man A would rather kiss the old lady than me."

Man A thought: "Man B is so cunning. He secretly kissed the girl on the mouth, but I got beaten!"

Man B thought: "I kissed the back of my hand and spanked A again." No one noticed the slap."

I went to the water room to wash my face and saw a guy struggling with a basin of clothes.

He was rubbing himself hard and was sweating profusely. .

When I finished washing and was about to leave,

I found that he had moved to another basin and was rubbing very hard.

I regarded him as my idol at that time, thinking: "Wash two basins of clothes at once, that's cruel!"

Just when I was about to step forward to praise him, he looked at me with a sad face. Said: "I washed the wrong clothes just now..."

The true story I heard from a friend: A woman took the driving test for her driver's license. The one in front got off the car and it was her turn. She was very nervous! She got off the car on the right side, walked around to the left side, opened the door... and then shouted: Coach! Where is the steering wheel? The examiner looked back at her and said calmly: You opened the back door...

I returned to Guizhou last night. On the plane, I originally wanted to tease the stewardess, but she was teased by the stewardess. During the meal, , I said, do you have tissues? MM took out a tissue from her pocket and gave it to me. She asked again if you have a toothpick, and she took out a toothpick from another pocket. I was very depressed and asked again if you have disposable chopsticks. MM handed me the chopsticks. At the same time, he said something that petrified me: Do I look like Doraemon?

I heard a conversation between two people on the subway today: "What a coincidence! We both got pregnant at the same time! Let's give our future children a baby kiss!" "Okay, if we both give birth to a boy , let them be gay; if they are both girls, let them be lilies; if they are a boy and a girl... let them become brothers and sisters!" Damn! ! In an instant, my outlook on life and values ??were completely overturned. .

A boy from an art academy had a long-term relationship with a female nude model, which eventually led to the female model becoming pregnant. The school wanted to punish the male student but was unable to find relevant school rules to apply. After several discussions, the school finally ordered the student to drop out of school on the grounds that he had "destroyed teaching equipment and caused serious deformation." . .

My classmate and her friend went to eat pizza. When my classmate was paying, as soon as the money was given to the waiter, a boy suddenly called me, come here, come here, and then grabbed the 100 from the waiter’s hand. Yuan, put it into his wallet, and then took out 100 Yuan from his wallet to pay the bill. The whole movement was so smooth, leaving a row of girls behind petrified. . .

The supermarket in the community provides door-to-door delivery service. One day, my father wanted to eat pancakes, so he asked my mother to call the supermarket. Mom: "Supermarket? Do you have pancakes at home?" Supermarket: "Yes." Dad suddenly interrupted: "We still have some in the refrigerator, no need to order." Then I heard my mother say to the phone: "Hey hey , I also have it at home."

The child asked his mother: "How to make a sentence using ABCDEFG?" Mom: "A! Is this child from C standing on D with bare feet? , with his little GG exposed!

One day, someone met three big men who wanted to beat him up, so he started fighting with those three men. After he came back, he boasted: "I let him." They fought for two hours without knocking me down." Others asked what happened. ?He said: "I tied her to a tree and beat her."

I had a crush on her when I was studying, but I didn't have the courage to confess, let alone touch her. After graduation, she got married, and her husband and I were classmates. That afternoon, she was nursing the baby, and I made a good excuse. I walked up to her, held her MIMI with both hands, and then told her, call her uncle, if you don’t call, you won’t get food!

The introverted Xiao Zhang saw a beautiful girl in a bar. woman.

After hesitating for a long time, he finally plucked up the courage, approached her, and asked in a low voice: "Can I talk to you?" Suddenly the woman shouted: "No, I won't sleep with you!" Everyone in the bar was staring at the two of them. Xiao Zhang was very embarrassed. He blushed and said nothing, and returned to his seat very aggrievedly. ?After a while, the woman walked up to Xiao Zhang and whispered: "I'm sorry, I am a student in the psychology department. I just wanted to test how people react in embarrassing situations."?This is what Xiao Zhang said loudly shouted: "You want two hundred yuan? It's too expensive!"?

In the supermarket, I saw a big five-flowered crab crawling from the freezer that costs 18.9 yuan to the cabinet that costs 28.9 yuan. You are full of confidence, you are so damn motivated!

It’s just a gust of wind, but it’s so eternal. It’s just a dream, but it’s so real. You bow your head and say nothing, but I It's hard to calm down, and I finally can't help but say to you: next time you fart, say it!

Young hot mother takes the bus with her three-year-old son. The hot mom held her son on her lap, and the son turned his back to the hot mom. The whole journey was quiet. After a long time, the son suddenly turned around and asked loudly: "Mom, can I ask you a question?" Hot mom: "Ask." The son said: "Why are you keeping your hand on my penis?! I can't bear it. It’s been a long time!” The whole car burst into laughter! !

A gentleman went to take a driver's license test. During the oral examination, the examiner asked: "When you saw a dog and a person in front of a car, did you run over the dog or the person?" The gentleman replied without thinking: "Of course it was the dog." The examiner shook his head. He shook his head and said, "You can take the exam again next time." The gentleman was very unconvinced: "I don't run over dogs, how can I run over people?" The examiner loudly reprimanded: "You should brake."

There is an advertisement posted on the glass window of a clothing store: Whether you buy it or not, you will be greeted as you enter. ?I thought to myself that this store doesn’t look good, but I didn’t expect it to be so cool! As soon as I stepped through the door, the receptionist standing at the door bowed and said, "Welcome, my little lady is so polite."

When I was a child, my parents picked me up one day. When we were walking home, they held me in the middle... I don't know which nerve got miswired and I started to sing a song to get rid of the problem, "A chicken on the left hand, a duck on the right hand..."? My dad stared at me, just like Slap me in the mouth...? Who would have thought that my mother would sing a line that made me vomit blood immediately... "There is a toad in the middle, eh eh eh De'er~"

Professor Yi is a writer, seven years old I didn’t have my grandson until I was a teenager, and I thought the child should be named Yi Dongpo; the child’s father is a Peking Opera actor, and I thought he should be named Yi Lanfang; my aunt is a music fan, and I thought he should be named Jacky Yi. Finally, Professor Yi said: Put "Collected Works of Su Dongpo", Mei Lanfang's photos, and Jacky Cheung's records on the ground and let the children choose. I saw the child crawling to the corner, picking up an empty Coke can and laughing. Everyone exclaimed: Could it be that this child wants to be called Can Can?

My deskmate changed his QQ name to "Your father before he died" and then added us as a class teacher. As a result, the class teacher’s QQ often received prompts: Your father requested to add you as a friend before he died. Before your father died, he invited you to play parking space. Your father gave you QQ show as a gift before he died. Your father stole your food before he died. Your father reported you before he died. Your father forwarded your Weibo before he died. . . The most powerful thing: Your father left you a message before he died.

One day my cousin went to play basketball in the primary school affiliated to the National Normal University and heard a lower grade girl ask a lower grade boy on the playground: "Do you love me or not?" The boy said helplessly: "My mother You gave me 3 yuan a day, and you spent two and a half dollars on snacks. Do you think I love you?"

"Doctor! Question? "Thirty years ago, I quit my part-time job from a rich man's family and planned to go back to my hometown to find a woman to start a family. On the eve of my departure, the rich man's beautiful daughter stood in front of me wearing gauze-like pajamas with tears in her eyes and asked me if I needed anything? I replied that I needed a thick blanket." The old man sighed and then said, "I was repairing the roof this morning, and I figured it out! It fell off."

A couple makes love, and men always like it. Said: "I'm going to kill you!" After not seeing each other for a few days, the woman found the man's work unit, and the man asked: Is something wrong? The woman said softly: "It's okay, I just don't want to live anymore..."

The European Union keeps accusing China of not doing enough to crack down on piracy, because 7 of the 6 limited edition Ferraris produced in the world are in China alone. !

The worst character is to stare at an ugly girl for a long time, and then sigh and say: "Damn, this dinosaur is made! It looks so real..."

A man knocked unconscious an unknown old man while riding a motorcycle in the downtown area! The man was so frightened that he didn’t know what to do! There are more and more onlookers! Suddenly, the man hugged the old man and shouted with tears in his eyes: "Dad, wait for me, I will find a doctor for you right now!" After that, he ran away. . . The old man struggled and shouted angrily: "Come back here!" Everyone sighed: "This son is so filial!"

When I was in junior high school, I had my period for the first time, because I didn't understand it beforehand. I was not prepared, and ended up with a stool stained with blood. Fortunately, the stool was dark red! After class, I took advantage of everyone to go out for activities and secretly changed chairs in the back row... Three years later, I and a boy in my class were admitted to a key high school. When registering to report, the boy looked around the new campus and sighed: "I finally got over it. Look at how bad the environment in our junior high school is. Just talk about how broken the stools are. Damn, the paint is always peeling off!"

In a class, I was talking As soon as the female teacher finished the last physiology class, she asked: "Students, if anyone still doesn't understand something, please ask the teacher for help." At this time, a classmate raised his hand. Asked the teacher: "Teacher, during sex, is it more comfortable for men or women?" The teacher told her for a long time. But he still didn't understand. The teacher gave her an analogy. He said: "Then if you pick your nose with your hands, will your nose feel better? Or will your hands feel better?" He thought about it. Um. It’s a refreshing nose! Just sat down. The teacher asked if there are any students who don’t understand anything. They can raise their hands and ask the teacher. Then the classmate raised his hand again. Asked the teacher: "Teacher, why can't women have sex when they menstruate?" The teacher gave her another metaphor. Said: "When your nose bleeds, do you still use your hands to pick your nose?" The student thought, well, that's right! After a while, he raised his hand again and asked the teacher a question, teacher. "Since women are more comfortable than men, why do women have to resist when men rape women?" The teacher got angry, slammed the table and said, "When you were walking on the road, someone else came over. Pick your nose. Are you willing?

Once I was shopping with my boyfriend and told him to play a trust game. I closed my eyes and he led me to walk for a long time until I successfully got on the subway. There were many people on the subway, but my boyfriend still helped me sit down. Then, he whispered in my ear: "Don't open your eyes, this seat was given to someone else." ”

The dormitory is on the sixth floor. When I climbed up, I found that I didn’t bring the key. I went downstairs and asked my aunt to get it. Then I climbed up to open the door. I went down to return the key, climbed up again, and found that the door was closed. Next door A classmate passed by and said, "Look, you didn't close the door. I'll close it for you." "

One time I went to a comic bar to rent a mystery comic, and I burst into tears as soon as I saw the second page. Some god damn thing drew a circle on a certain character with a blue ballpoint pen. Write: This is the murderer

A: “Xiao Ma, what is your name? Why doesn't anyone call you by your first name? "? B: "Don't mention it, even my parents don't call me by my name. ?When I was born, they were obsessed with "The Legend of Heaven and the Dragon Slayer", in which there was a character Zeng A Niu, so they named me Huang A Ma! ”

Floor 767

A buddy, fair and clean.

Once on the bus, he felt someone touching his butt from behind, rubbing and squeezing it. He turned around and saw a wretched older brother. The brother said coldly: "I am a man." The elder brother said: "It doesn't matter, don't be nervous." After saying that, he hugged her whole body. My friend has never encountered anything like this before. He is very nervous and does not dare to resist violently. I quickly got off the bus at the next stop. When I saw that the man hadn’t followed me, I breathed a sigh of relief. Later, I suddenly discovered that my mobile phone and wallet had been taken away

A male teacher angrily said to a girl who was sleeping in class: I am so tired up there, but you are motionless down there! It’s fine if you don’t cooperate, you don’t even have any reaction. If you don’t have anything in your stomach in the future, don’t blame the teacher! As a result, the whole class fainted. . . ?

Last time I saw two French people, one might be a Chinese teacher and the other might be his student. The teacher happily pointed at the Chinese calendar and said to the students: Lei Feng. Look, these two characters read "Lei Feng". This is the Lei Feng Memorial Day. He is very famous in China because he helped many people during his lifetime. The student said with admiration: "You are really well-informed!" After that, the two left happily. I leaned over to take a look and saw on the calendar: "Frost Descent"!

Announcement: The first prize ticket says "tractor" and you will get 100,000 Yuan in cash. I went there, got the ticket, slowly scratched it open, and the word "drag" appeared. My breathing accelerated obviously, and my heartbeat was irregular. I closed my eyes and didn't dare to scratch anymore. The friend next to me said, scratch it off, let's go and get the prize! I closed my eyes and scratched it off, and what appeared was "slippers". In just a few seconds, I realized that hope and despair feel exactly the same.

I took the bus to work this morning. There were so many people on the bus. I finally stood still and looked around. (I have a habit of getting familiar with the surroundings before arriving in a new environment. , just in case anything unexpected happens) I suddenly discovered that there was a man and a woman in a row of seats; at this moment, the man touched the woman’s breast. I often see reports about bus perverts, but I didn’t know I was lucky today. , I encountered it once. I saw the woman’s expression, as if nothing was wrong, and I was very depressed. Then I looked at the people around me, a few people were staring, and some people just glanced at her. Then he turned away and acted as if nothing happened. Indeed, the world is so sad that even the person involved did not resist! At the time, I thought that the two knew each other and might be a couple. In fact, when I thought about it later, I realized that they couldn’t be a couple or a couple based on their age. The woman was only in her 20s at most. After a few more stops in the car, suddenly, the man's hand actually pulled the woman's clothes away. Wow! I was a little excited at the time. Before I could recover, do you know what happened? The man actually put his mouth to it. . . . . . . . But at this moment, no one stood up and said a word, including myself. . . . . . . . After arriving at the company, I told several colleagues about this incident because I also felt that what I did was wrong at the time. My colleagues were extremely angry after hearing this, even though they are not usually gentlemen. Finally, Xiao Zhang asked me, "How old is that man and what does he look like? When the brothers outside see him, they will kill him..." I said, "According to my estimation, the man is no more than 10 months old." . . . ”

On the weekend, I went to a familiar Western restaurant for dinner and found that the interior of the restaurant had just been renovated and the costumes of the waiters had also changed. I noticed that the waiters all had an extra spoon in their jacket pockets. So I called Henry, who I knew well, and asked him about the recent changes. Henry told me that the restaurant owner recently hired Accenture for business process reengineering consulting to improve the restaurant's work efficiency and service quality. After two weeks of on-site work, Accenture consultants found that 33.333% of tables had a spoon dropped to the floor during the meal. In the past, the waiter had to go to the kitchen to change the spoon for the customer. If a waiter puts a spare spoon in his jacket pocket, they don't have to make a separate trip to the kitchen and can replace the spoon the next time the food is served, which can increase the waiter's labor productivity by 17.365%. As I was talking, there was a clang on the table next to me: their spoons dropped to the floor. I saw Henry calmly taking out the spare spoon from his pocket and changing it for the guest in time. Seeing this scene, I admire Accenture's consulting advice. At this time, I also noticed that there was a very thin string outside the zippers of all the waiters' trousers. Its texture was the same as a hidden bra strap, so it was difficult to find.

So, I asked Henry this new question: "What do you use this string for?" Henry looked around, leaned over, and whispered: "Good eyesight! Not everyone observes like you do." "Enter!" Henry continued: "Through on-site observation and data analysis of restaurant work processes, Accenture found that waiters urinate an average of 5.125 times per shift, and spend an average of 1.306 minutes washing and drying their hands after each urination. Accenture's consultant suggested that we tie this rope on top so that we can pull it out directly every time we urinate to avoid touching our hands. This saves us the trouble of washing hands and drying, and improves the waiter's efficiency. Labor productivity, and saving the restaurant’s water and electricity bills.” After listening to Henry’s introduction, I admired Accenture even more. However, I still have a little question: "Henry, you can use the rope to pull out your work, but how can you put it back without using your hands?" Henry looked around cautiously again and moved his body Pour lower and say to me in a smaller voice: "I don't know how other people solved it, but I used the spoon...;"

Little White Rabbit Encounter Big Bad Wolf, the Little White Rabbit said: Big Bad Wolf, Big Bad Wolf, please ask me if I am the Little White Rabbit, please ask me quickly, ask me quickly! ! ! ! The big bad wolf said: Are you the little white rabbit? The little white rabbit was very happy: Yes, yes, I am! ! ! Then the little white rabbit said: Big bad wolf, big bad wolf, ask me if I am a giraffe, ask me quickly! ! ! ! The big bad wolf was helpless: Okay... then... are you a giraffe? The little white rabbit slapped him on the back of the head: You idiot! I already told you that I am a little white rabbit! !

Once I was reading a post on a Tieba forum, and there was a post that almost no one responded to. The poster said that he wanted to grab the 999th floor. When he got to the 998th floor, the poster shouted that I was coming. Suddenly a group of people grabbed 999. All replied.