A joke that looks indecent.

In the delivery room, the wife who is about to give birth said to her husband, "I want to tell."

You, I'll cut double eyelids, get a nose job, and get a chin job.

So the baby was born unlike me, don't be surprised! "

The husband comforted her and said, "I knew it long ago. It doesn't matter. I want to sue, too

Verb (abbreviation for verb) You: My right eye has been changed, my lower teeth have been fitted, and my left foot is a prosthesis! "

Deceive each other

Bride: "Before you got married, you said you had a large fortune, and it turned out."

No, you lied to me! "

Groom: "At that time, you told me that it didn't matter whether you had property or not. Look. "

That sentence is also false. You lied to me too! "

It's about breakfast

A man woke up in the morning and found his wife dead in bed. he

Jumped up, ran down the stairs with a pale face and shouted, "Mei! 155

May! "

The maid promised, "sir! What is it? "

"It is enough to boil an egg for breakfast."

birthday gift

A: "What birthday present did you buy for your husband?"

B: "I bought him a diary with a lock, I know."

He likes to keep a diary, which is always difficult for others to read. "

A: "you are so honest."

B: "But I have an extra key."

Jealousy of mother-in-law

Mrs. Wang, who has just become a mother-in-law, saw her son buy a fur coat for his daughter-in-law.

Clothes, can't help but envy. She said to Mr. Wang, "What's the point of raising a son?"

What's the use? Buy this and that for my wife, but don't care if we old people live or die. "

Mr. Gan replied, "I'm tired of hearing this."

"Idiot, when did I tell you?"

Mr. Wang said, "Not you, but my mother told me."

A weeping husband

Once upon a time, there was a woman whose husband died of illness. She threw herself at the coffin and began to cry.

Very sad: "husband, I want to go all the way with you ... husband!" " "She is a.

While crying, she bumped her head into the coffin, but her hair just got stuck.

In the gap of the coffin, she was surprised: "Ah! There are ghosts. " Earn immediately

At the same time, he cried and said, "Husband, the child is still young, and I can't be with you."

Exactly the same ... husband! "

It's too early to be happy

A gentleman is quite a gentleman and never helps his wife with housework.

On his wife's birthday, he said to her on a whim, "How are you today?

Don't wash the dishes. "

His wife was overjoyed. He said, "Great. Thank you for your help. "

The gentleman replied, "You can wash it tomorrow."

Give away fake goods

At his wife's birthday party, the husband put a box in front of everyone.

Gold and jewels were presented to his wife.

A friend said, "Look how happy your wife is! If you give it to

If she had a Saab car, she would be happier! "

The husband spread out his hands and said, "I think so, too. What a pity."

The car is not fake yet! "

remote control

Zhang's children bought a remote-controlled TV set for their mother.

As a birthday present, Mrs. Zhang said, "I will never play with this remote control again."

Meaning. "

Mr. Zhang, who often travels abroad, said, "Madam, you are too modest."

Jinsheng

Wife: "Didn't you swear to be my faithful slave forever before you got married?"

Servant? "

Husband: "That was decided by the situation at that time."

Wife: "What about now?"

Husband: "I should be promoted from slave to general."

Mend trousers

Wife: "I put your pants in your pocket after you went to bed last night."

This hole has been mended. Tell me, am I a very considerate person? "

Husband: "Of course! You have always been very considerate to me. But, you are.

Can't you tell me how you found a hole in my pants pocket?

Cave? "

Not surprising.

The wife said to her husband in tears, "I remember you told me a few years ago."

So considerate, so loyal. What about now? You can easily lose your spleen.

Gas ... becomes two people! "

The husband snorted: "A few years ago ... a few years ago, that was because."

We're not married. "

Don't keep an empty room.

Husband: "Dear! How will you fight if I die unfortunately?

calculate

Wife: "I wonder if you really love me?"

Husband: "I love you more than anything."

Wife: "Well, you won't let me keep my room."

Think about people.

A businessman's car suddenly broke down during the trip. The sky is ashamed.

In the evening, he found a house not far away, so he knocked on the door to stay.

The door was opened by a beautiful young woman who said there was nothing else at home.

People who feel lonely are very popular.

The young woman invited him to dinner and arranged for him to go to her bedroom.

Wall frame. But he thought of the hostess's words and her posture in parallel.

Color, really can't sleep. Just want to blame, there was a gentle.

Knock on the door. Beautiful hostess wearing pajamas, stood at the door and said with a smile:

"Sir, don't you feel lonely? Do you want someone to accompany you?

You sleep together? "

"Of course, Qian Qian is absolutely willing!" He was almost ecstatic.

Let's go

"Great!" She said, "There happened to be another gentleman.

Our car broke down, too Come here for the night and share a room with you.

Sleep in the park! "

Make a living by her husband

Mrs. Schaefer went into the warden's room and said to him, "Mr. Warden, I

Trying to get my husband out of prison. "

"What crime did he commit and was sent to prison?" Asked the warden.

"Just to steal a piece of bread."

"Is he a good husband?" The warden asked again.

"No, sir," she answered, "he drinks and beats the children.

He has no merit. "

"So, why did you ask him to get out of prison?"

"Well," she replied, "we have no bread again."

Who took me across the river?

The wife is clamoring for a divorce from her husband. On the way to the court, they passed by

A wide but not deep river. The husband said, "Let me carry you across the river!" " "

The wife fell on her husband's back and crossed the river. They didn't go far, the wife said:

"Come on, separation. Let's go back. " The husband asked, "You don't make any noise.

Want a divorce? "The wife said," If you are really divorced, who will come back?

Cross the river behind my back? "

Hard to wait

Although the wife tries to please her husband, she always fails.

Unpleasant things often happen at breakfast. When his wife cooks scrambled eggs, he

Say you want to eat poached eggs; When she cooked poached eggs, her husband said she wanted scrambled eggs.

One morning, my wife specially made a scrambled egg and a poached egg.

In front of her husband, waiting for his praise.

The husband glanced at the plate and said angrily, "That egg should be a lotus."

Wrapped in eggs, but you fired it! "

The rivers and mountains may change, but not one's essential nature

"Dear, I love you very much," the husband said to his wife, "but

You should stop finding fault with everything. This is driving me crazy. Hey,

I bet you don't find fault for a minute. "

"Well, let's start now." The wife said.

After a while, she blurted out, "This house is as hot as hell."

Sample. Why do you always turn down the air conditioner? "

"ha! I know it's impossible for you not to find fault for a minute. " Zhang (surname)

Dave couldn't help shouting out loud.

"Even so," the wife admitted, "how long did I persist?

Between? "

"Three seconds."

"Three seconds, fuck you!" The wife shouted to her husband, "Difficult!"

Didn't I tell you not to buy foreign watches? Those watches are not accurate at all.

Indeed! "

warn

Woman: "I want to formally warn you that my husband will be back in an hour."

Let's go "

Man: "But I didn't do anything rude."

Woman: "I know. If you want to do something, there is only time left.

It rained for less than an hour. "

after all

A: "What birthday present are you going to give your husband?"

B: "Oh! Two hundred cigars. "

A: "How much is it?"

B: "It costs nothing. I just take it out of his cigarette case every day.

Two is just accumulation. "

Don't be careful

Husband: "I want to take out accident insurance, don't you think?"

Wife: "Of course! You don't have to ask for it when you go out in the future.

Watch out! "

Agree on the three-point rule-formulate rules that all parties concerned should abide by.

On their wedding night, Locke said to his wife, "I have nothing else for you."

Requirements. Just be an economist in the kitchen and an economist in the living room.

Lady, be a slut in the bedroom. Please write it down and stick it on the door.

In the back. "

Locke's wife may have a bad memory. Locke was there the next day.

The note I saw behind the door said, "Be a lady in the kitchen, in the living room."

Be a slut in the bedroom and an economist in the bedroom. "

ever-victorious general

A woman said to her colleague, "Do you know? Every time I talk to

My husband's quarrel ended in my victory.

"Why?"

"Because if I lose first, I will ask to start."

It all makes sense.

After work, my husband was drinking and chatting with friends and was nearly half an hour late.

I didn't go home until.

On entering the door, his wife asked, "Where have you been? Why not first?

Give me a call and let me know? "

Husband: "If I don't even have this freedom, I will be punished by others."

Joke, saying that I am not a gentleman. "

Not to be outdone, the wife said, "If I can't even mention this.

Your words, I am afraid of being laughed at, saying that I am your little wife! "Don't want to lose face.

Husband: "The shirt you bought me doesn't fit at all. Almost as good as mine. "

It's huge. "

Wife: "I know. I don't want that guy to bring me a shirt.

The salesgirl saw my husband so shriveled and emaciated ... "

Festival commemoration

A: "What do you think is the most unforgettable festival this year?

Huh? "

B: "April Fool's Day and Easter."

A: "Why?"

B: "I got married on April fool's day and divorced on Easter."

Do not eat "big pot rice"

Son: "Dad, let's split up!" " "

Father: "You got married the day before yesterday, so you are not afraid of jokes when you are apart?"

Son: "Are you kidding? My daughter-in-law says it's out of fashion now.

Cauldron rice "

Nobody believed it.

The bride showed off to her friends with relish: "My husband is really!"

It's so cute, he told everyone that he and the most beautiful girl in the world.

Married.

"Don't worry, no one will believe him." A friend blurted out.

Come out.

Start talking nonsense

Businessman Dobby is dying. His relatives and neighbors gathered at his bedside.

Dobby said in a weak voice, "Lena, don't forget what the vendor owes."

We have fifty crowns. "

The wife immediately repeated her husband's words: "I invite all the people present."

Testimony: Shel the peddler owes us fifty crowns. "

"Lip the blacksmith owes us 80 crowns."

"I ask everyone to testify:" Lip the blacksmith owes us eighty grams.

Lang. "

"Please don't forget, my dear, I still owe Beckberg one.

One hundred and twenty crowns. "

At this time, his wife cried: "poor, my Dobby, him!" "

I'm already talking nonsense. "

Adopt who?

Husband: "My brother said we were going to split up, and our parents were separated from our two brothers."

But look, who should we adopt? "

Wife: "What do you say?"

Husband: "Dad's health is getting worse and worse. He can't grow a garden, but he still insists. "

Can't go home; Mom is in good health, so I want her. "

Wife: "Idiot! If you are healthy, you will never die. How long will you keep it? ! "

Husband: "..."

Get divorced before you get married.

Husband: "Son, shall we divorce?"

Wife: "We never quarrel, why should we divorce?"

Husband: "I mean, I'll marry you after the divorce."

Wife: "Ah? Are you mentally ill today or something? "

Husband: "No! You see, in recent years, young people have married me

The children have emptied their pockets. What about the money if we don't remarry?

You can have it back! "

Not too much money.

The bride cried sadly, "You married me because of me."

Have some money! "

"It's all right, dear!" The groom said softly, "If

You have a lot of money, and I will marry you. "

widower

"Well, honey," he said as he got dressed, "I missed you last night.

Tell me there is a thief in the room, which is true. "

"Why?"

"Because all the money I put in my pocket when I slept is gone."

"Well, if you stood up bravely last night and killed that despicable home.

Dude, you can't lose money. "

"It's possible, but then I'll be a widower."

Who should be grateful?

One day, the mayor of S City and his wife Ellie went to inspect a construction site.

A worker wearing a helmet shouted at them, "Ellie, don't move!" "

Remember me? We dated in high school! "

On the way back, the mayor said, "You are lucky to marry me.

Be angry, or you are the wife of a construction worker, not the wife of the mayor. "

Ellie retorted, "You should be glad you married me, otherwise."

He is the mayor of S city. "

Divorce and not leave home

Just three days after marriage, the bride will kick her mother-in-law out. The groom hates her.

Not filial to my widowed mother, so I filed for divorce. The bride said, "After three days of marriage.

It's not that cheap to want a divorce-I don't agree. "

The groom said: "You are not filial to your mother-in-law, I want to divorce you!" " "

The bride said, "No! You want me to agree to a divorce unless you follow me three times.

Conditions. "

The groom said, "You make a condition! As long as I can do it, I'm counting on you. "

The bride said, "First, the new house for marriage is mine."

"ok!" The groom readily promised.

"Second, the furniture at home is mine."

"ok!" The groom also readily promised.

"The third condition, you must divorce don't leave home, a monthly salary.

I have to stay at home at night. Don't give me anything else how

Like what? "

"ah!" The groom suddenly realized, "That's still driving my mother away."

Going out? "

be sold out

Wife: "honey, you promised to give me the moon when you married me."

Husband: "I'm so sorry. The manager of the department store said it was sold out. "

Who is the head of the family?

The family had a good time. The police rushed over when they heard the noise.

Knock hard at the door.

The door was opened by an angry woman. The policeman asked her, "too.

Ty, who is your head of household? "The woman gasped," tell me later.

You, my husband and I are deciding this matter! "

There is a reason to quarrel.

The salesman went to the door of a house and heard the quarrel between men and women inside.

The voice, decided to stand outside for a while, and then knocked at the door when they had finished quarreling.

After a while, a child came out and the salesman asked him, "Your home?"

Do adults still fight? "

The child replied, "Yes, sir, they always quarrel."

The salesman accosted and asked, "Who is your father?"

The child casually replied, "That's why they quarreled!"

I really didn't send anything.

The wife sobbed and threw herself into her husband's arms sadly and said:

"I have told you for weeks, don't send anything to Christmas.

Me. Now you really haven't given me anything, blare ... "

transfer

A: "I heard that you divorced your husband, and it was only two weeks."

All the formalities have been completed. You must pay the lawyer a lot of money, right? "

B: "Not a penny."

A: "Why?"

B: "That lawyer became my fiance."

Empty promises

Woman: "Before we got married, you promised me a new car and a new house ... but"

What about now? I haven't even seen the shadow of these things! "

Man: "Last time I participated in the referendum, the government promised to give it to me.

Our cars and buildings? Who should I ask now? ! "

Necessary reminder

On New Year's Eve, my husband was as drunk as a fiddler. When I got home, my wife

Instead of blaming him as usual, he was particularly attentive and poured it for him.

Tea is over water.

When the New Year bell rings, my husband is more awake. At this time, the wife is light.

Gently said to him: "Dear, it's the New Year! You will sign the check for me later.

Don't write the wrong year! "

Wife hypothesis

Wife: "I often assume that I wish I were a man."

Husband: "Why?"

Wife: "When I walked into the satin shop, I saw the good material and thought,

If I were a man, I would definitely buy it back for my wife. I don't know how happy she is! "

Husband: "..."

Good abacus

The husband died suddenly in a car accident, and the wife cried for seven days and seven nights.

On the eighth day, the staff of the life insurance company sent the insurance money, and she cried.

It will stop soon.

"Oh, one million yuan!" The woman turned to look at it happily.

The employee of the insurance company then said solemnly, "If you use twenty,

Ten thousand dollars can bring her husband back to life. Well done! "

Love That Girl

A girl of 18 years old married a millionaire of 8/kloc-0 years old.

Rich people. At the wedding, the rich man asked, "Dear, we are old."

Shu, will you really love me? "

The girl smiled and replied, "Of course it's true. If you are nine years old,

Eleven years old, I will definitely love you more! "

money

A young couple is always quarrelling.

On this day, the husband was unhappy again and roared, "It's all money, money,

Money! People like you, no matter what they say, are all in one word: money! next time

Put the money in your mouth and we'll get a divorce! "

The wife listened, not to be outdone, and said, "Oh, sooner or later."

Leave you? Ok, how much do you have to pay? "

The Pilot's Wife

Over an airport in Scotland, a pilot is entering.

Do difficult aerobatics. His wife is watching the performance live.

"Aren't you afraid of your husband flying backwards?" one

The audience asked her.

"There is nothing to worry about! Before every flight, I always start from

He took the change out of his pocket. "

After encouragement

Husband: "If a person has the determination not to give up until he reaches his goal, why not?"

You can do anything. "

Wife: "it's great to have your encouragement!" " We will go again soon.

Look at the front of the women's leather wardrobe in the store! "

There is no white religion.

A: "I heard that you taught your wife to play cards, didn't you?"

B: "Yes. But I'm not a free teacher. Last Saturday night,

I won back half the salary I gave her this month. "

Buy bracelets

A rich man's wife took a fancy to two beautiful bracelets, but she kept them for a while.

I can't decide which to buy, because one bracelet is expensive and the other is expensive.

Just a little cheaper.

The shopkeeper whispered to her, "I'll take this." It's for him anyway. "

Money. If you don't spend it now, he will spend it on his second wife.

Let's go "

I saw Mrs. Guo's almond eyes wide open and she said angrily, "I'm his."

The second wife. "

I'm not worried.

"Spending money like you," the husband complained to his wife, "if I

If something happens, you will probably have to go out and beg for money to live. "

"I'm not worried," the wife said angrily. "I asked you what you want.

Isn't the experience of money enough "

Although it's hard

Husband: "I didn't step on your foot again." Why were you in public just now? "

How many times did you shout that I stepped on your foot? "

Wife: "I can't scream in such beautiful high heels."

Just look. "

Lingwu

A gentleman complained to his friend that his wife likes to eat, drink and have fun. Every month,

Bottom, always make ends meet. A friend taught a gentleman to take his wife to visit Buddhist temples more often, so

She understood the truth that "everything is empty". One day, a friend met a gentleman and asked.

He: "What? Does your wife understand the truth? "

A gentleman shook his head and said with a wry smile, "She likes to eat and drink now.

Put it on! "

"What's the matter?"

"Well, she realized that' the Buddha wants gold clothes, and people want clothes'!"

Get rich or die hard.

Mr. Wang turned pale and said to his wife in shock, "I just now."

Walking into the alley, suddenly a man pointed a knife at my neck.

Threatened me and said,' Do you want money? Fatal? Make a decision! ……"

His wife immediately interrupted him and cried, "How stupid you are!

Why give him all the money? "

All small change

Wife: "Hey, it's almost the stop. Do you have any change? "

The husband is puzzled: "You are so forgetful. Ever since I met you,

I never had a whole one in my bag! "

Old custom

A: "When I was dating my lover, I got rid of the woman who chased men."

Old customs. "

B: "You are ..."

A: "Every time she asks me for something, I run ahead of her."

In hot pursuit. "

There are no three hundred and twenty pieces of silver buried here. -Clumsy denial leads to self-exposure.

"Did you marry your husband because of his money?" A woman

The friend asked the bride.

"How did that happen? I didn't even know he had millions! "

A love letter

Dear Arnie:

I've been thinking about it for a long time, and I always feel like divorcing a good man like you.

About, that's too bad. Please forgive my nonsense and hurry back to mine.

By my side, I can't stand the days without you anymore.

In addition, I heard that you won1000000. Is it true?/You don't say.

Wedding story

Groom: "honey, let's discuss our married life!" "

In our family, do you want to be the prime minister or the deputy prime minister? "

Bride: "Oh, dear, I don't deserve it. But I think I'll just

Is to be competent for a relatively small role. "

Groom: "What role?"

Bride: "Your finance minister."

The change of a word

Man: "Do you like reading poetry?"

Woman: "I like it."

M: "Do you think the life of the Hungarian poet Petofi is precious?

Love is more expensive; If it's for freedom, you can throw them both away. How is the writing? "

Woman: "Good, but it's better to change one word."

Man: "which word to change?"

Woman: "Throw away both' old' s when you have time."

Man: "Ah ..."

Coat birthday

When her husband came home, he was surprised to find that his wife was almost 15 years old.

Red candle.

"Does anyone have a birthday today?" He asked.

"Yes," the wife replied, "my coat is fifteen years old today.

La! "

Illicit Behavior

After the wedding, the bride sweetly said to the groom, "I think now.

Try to write my new name. Do you have a check and a pen here?

Honey. "

souvenir

Mr Smith died suddenly in the hospital, and his wife was crying.

He said, "You left me without leaving me a souvenir. Let me."

How I miss you! "She cried a few times, suddenly stopped and said to the doctor:

"Please lend me a hammer."

The doctor asked, "madam, what do you need a hammer for?"

"I want one of his teeth as a souvenir."

"It's best to keep your husband's teeth intact. Is there anything else? "

"No, that's gold teeth!"

I forgot to look at my face

Woman: "I want to divorce my husband, and I want the court to make a clear decision."

Judge: "Please state the reasons."

Woman: "He lied to me. Before getting married, he didn't tell me that he had spots on his face. "

Point. "

Judge: "You didn't see him before you got married?"

Woman: "yes ... but at that time, I only saw the gift he gave me."

Didn't notice his expression. "

give the right prescription for an illness

The husband nervously asked the psychologist for advice: "My wife can cry, can cry,

I really don't know what to do. "

"Don't worry," the psychologist told him, "maybe she needs comfort, just.

I think it's good that you promise her that you love her. "

"What should I do specifically?"

"Always remember that women like candy, flowers and mink coats. pass by

Yes, you might as well mention it to her. "

The motive force of making a fortune

The reporter asked a billionaire how he started from scratch, and the millionaire said everything.

I must help my wife.

"How did she help you?" The reporter asked.

"I will tell you everything," replied the rich man. "She aroused my curiosity.

Heart. I want to know how much money I have to earn so that she can't spend it all. "

Friends of Friends

Husband: "honey, I will work hard and we will be rich in the future."

Yes "

Wife: "honey, we belong to each other and are already rich." along with

Maybe it's just the money. "

strive for the best

A movie star comforted his newly divorced colleague and said, "You'd better leave."

Happy marriage. You see, my wife has been dreaming about to marry a millionaire every night recently.

Weng, this is a great suffering. "

The newly divorced colleague comforted the movie star in turn and said, "You are not bad."

Luckily, my old one didn't wait until evening, but dreamed of getting married during the day.

To millionaires! Why else would I want a divorce? "

I hope you like it.