Waiting online. Have some cold jokes.

When the Chinese teacher turned around, Lu Xun was willing to be a candidly admit defeat.

When the math teacher turns around, she can ask for six dollars six times.

As soon as the English teacher turned around, I was sorry and added thank you.

As soon as the chemistry teacher turned around, carbon dioxide turned into gasoline.

As soon as the physics teacher turned around, he levered up the earth.

When the biology teacher looked back, the night clouds were horribly low.

As soon as the geography teacher turns around, he can swim a hundred times.

As soon as the history teacher turned around, Qin Shihuang put the shot.

As soon as the PE teacher turned around, Daiyu could also play football.

As soon as the labor teacher turned around, he came to the runway with broken metal.

As soon as the music teacher turned around, an earthquake of magnitude 8 blew up the earth.

As soon as the political teacher turned around, the whole class sleepwalked.

As soon as the art teacher turned around, Mona Lisa became romantic.

A * *, education bureau, public security bureau, transportation bureau chief three drive out, Lu Yu is in the way.

The police chief got off the bus and said to Niu, "I tell you, I am from the public security bureau!" " We're on business! If you don't get out of the way, I'll sue you for obstruction of justice, arrest you and lock you up! "The cow looked up and snorted, ignoring it.

The traffic police chief got off the bus and said, "To tell you the truth, I'm from the Transportation Bureau! You're occupying the highway and blocking traffic! If you don't get out of the way, I'll give you a ticket and punish you! " The cow wagged its tail and looked at him, but still ignored him.

So, the director of education got off the bus and said a few words to the cow's ear. The cow walked away quickly with its tail between its legs.

What did the two directors of the Public Security Bureau and the Transportation Bureau ask the director of education, Tong Niu? The Secretary for Education replied, "I am the Secretary for Education. If you don't leave, I'll transfer you to the Chinese teacher and head teacher, and you'll skip a grade! " Look what kind of cow you are! "

Mo Ran's comments: Teachers are bitter, teachers are tired, they get up early for work, and they sleep late every day. Pay big, pay small, always catch up with the house price. Teaching Chinese is more painful, and the composition is broken! Spring silk, candlelight tears, all of my heart makes friends with students, and students are hard-won! Watching "students" break their hearts and holding "grades" in their hands is full of flavor! Love is here, who knows, who is full of sadness? Only white hair adds to the haggard!

The Chinese teacher assigned the following composition questions.

Title: Among them

Student: I hurt my left foot.

Teacher's comment: Are you a centipede?

Title: One after another.

Student: After work, my father went home one after another.

Teacher's comment: How many dads do you have?

Title: Prosperity.

Student: My brother is thriving.

Comment: Son, is your brother a vegetable?

Theme: sadness

Student: There is a ditch in front of my house, which is really sad.

Teacher's comment: The teacher is even sadder.

Title: Once again

Student: My mother is short, tall, fat and thin.

Teacher's comment: Is your mother a deformed diamond?

Title: In addition,

Student: A train passes by, besides, besides.

Teacher's comment: forget it if I die.

Chinese in primary schools is too difficult now. Look at one of their homework problems:

Requirements: Connect the following four sentences with related words:

1, sister Zhang Haidi is paralyzed;

2. Sister Zhang Haidi studied tenaciously;

3. Sister Zhang Haidi learned a lot of foreign languages;

4. Sister Zhang Haidi studied acupuncture.

(Note: The correct answer should be: Sister Zhang Haidi, although paralyzed, studied hard, not only learning many foreign languages, but also learning acupuncture. )

As a result, a child wrote:

Although Zhang Haidi's elder sister stubbornly studied acupuncture and many foreign languages, she was still paralyzed.

Later, found more fierce children wrote:

Sister Zhang Haidi not only learned a foreign language, but also learned acupuncture. She studied so doggedly that she was finally paralyzed.

Sister Zhang Haidi is paralyzed, because she studies hard, not only learning a lot of foreign languages, but also learning acupuncture.

Sister Zhang Haidi studied very tenaciously, not only learned a lot of foreign languages and acupuncture, but also learned paralysis at last.

Sister Zhang Haidi learned a lot of foreign languages and acupuncture, and was paralyzed by tenacious study.

Sister Zhang Haidi learned a lot of foreign languages and acupuncture through tenacious study, and as a result, she paralyzed herself according to a foreign language version of acupuncture book.

Chinese teachers must know jokes.

An important feature that distinguishes Chinese grammar from Pinyin is word order and function words. That is, word order is different from function words, and words express different meanings. The following joke was told to me by a retired worker who had studied in a private school. I found this to be the best example of language knowledge, especially word order. I'm publishing it now, * * * to share with you. For brevity, I narrate it in classical Chinese. Please forgive me! )

Topic: playing with shit; Dogs fart; farting dog

Plot: the scholar wrote a composition and handed it to Mr. Wang for approval: nonsense! Rewrite! The scholar rewrote it and gave it to Mr. Wang for approval: dog fart! Rewrite! ! The scholar will write again and give it to Mr. Wang for reading. Mr. Wang approved: spank the dog's ass! Rewrite! ! !

The scholar was puzzled and asked why. Mr. Nu said: The first composition is nonsense; But you are "human", so you are criticized for "playing with shit"! The second composition is nonsense, no different from animals, so it was criticized as "dog fart"! Three compositions, all nonsense; Not only "inhuman", but also worse than dogs! So, those "fart dogs"!

Just three words have different meanings because of the different order, from "playing with shit (people play with shit)" to "dog farting (dog farting)" to "farting dog (dog who specializes in playing with shit)". Humor and Irony criticized the composition of The Student for "going from bad to worse"! I dare say that only China people can play such a subtle joke!

The elderly are 8 1 year old. He said it happened in his class! This scholar is his cousin. Thank him for providing me with this story, and wish him health and longevity!

Two people were caught by a group of ancient people on an isolated island. The ancients said that you don't have to kill you, but you have to promise me one condition. They said, what terms do you say? Far away, each of you found me a hundred identical fruits. After a long time, a man came back with a hundred strawberries. It's far. Very good! Put them all in your mouth and I won't kill you. The man was stuck, stuck, stuck, and when he reached the 99th, he suddenly laughed, and more than half of it fell out, and he was killed. When he got to heaven, the angel asked him, you are going to succeed. Why did you suddenly laugh? The man said that when I got to the 99th, my friend brought a hundred watermelons first.

It is said that once Zhuge Liang, Liu Bei, Sun Quan and Cao Cao were on the same plane and suddenly encountered an emergency and needed to parachute to escape. Only then did I find that there were only three parachutes left on the plane. Everyone is nervous. At this time, Zhuge Liang shook his feather fan and cleared his throat. He said, "well, if the mountain man can answer a few questions, he will skydive, and if he can't answer them, he will jump by himself." Others have no choice but to agree. Zhuge Liang shook the feather fan again and asked Liu Bei, "How many suns are there in the sky?" Liu Bei thought simply, answered "one" and took an umbrella bag and went down. Zhuge Liang asked Sun Quan again, "How many moons are there in the sky?" Sun Quan answered "one" and went down with an umbrella bag. Finally, it was Cao Cao's turn, and Zhuge Liang asked, "How many stars are there in the sky?" Cao Cao is young and frivolous. Knowing that I couldn't answer, I had to jump myself. Unexpectedly, he jumped into the sea and saved his life. Cao Cao secretly rejoiced.

The second time, when four people met an emergency by plane, they still discussed it in the old way. Zhuge Liang shook his feather fan again and asked Liu Bei, "What was the battle when Zhou Wuwang defeated Zhou Wang?" Liu Bei thought simply and answered "The Battle of Makino". Zhuge Liang nodded, and Liu Bei took an umbrella bag and went down. Zhuge Liang asked Sun Quan again, "How many people died in that battle?" Sun Quan thought for a moment and said, "About 30,000 to 40,000." Zhuge nodded, and Sun Quan went down with an umbrella bag. Cao Cao couldn't help laughing and thinking, "Zhuge Liang, I know everything from ancient times to the present, especially the military." You were planted this time, hehe! " Zhuge Liang asked Cao Cao, "What are their names?" Cao Cao almost fainted and had to jump by himself. Unexpectedly, he jumped into the sea again to save his life. Cao cao secretly smiled, "Lao tze deadly, see you zhuge old man can do with me? ! "

The third time, the same four people flew, and the plane encountered an emergency. Cao Cao thought about it, and Zhuge tried to fool me again, so I jumped myself to avoid being insulted. So I jumped to my feet. During the high-speed descent in the air, I only heard Zhuge Liang's laughter from above. "Cao Cao, you are so smart. Haha, there are four parachutes on the plane today!" Cao Cao fainted with a loud "ah" ...

One day, when the teacher came into the classroom, the students stood up and shouted, "Good morning, teacher!" " "

The teacher said angrily, "Good morning? What shall I do in the afternoon? Not good? "

So the students shouted together: "Good afternoon, teacher!" "

The teacher said angrily, "What about my evening?"

The students shouted together again: "Good evening, teacher!" "

The teacher nodded and said, "That's it. Now shout it again! " "

The students shouted: "Good morning, teacher, good afternoon and good evening!" "

The teacher said, "Sit down! Today we are going to review antonyms. Let's practice like this. When I say something, you say the antonym loudly. Start now. "

Teacher: "The weather is fine today."

Student: "The weather is terrible today."

Teacher: "There is sunshine everywhere."

Student: "There are clouds everywhere."

Teacher: "The road is crowded with people."

Student: "There is no one on the road."

Teacher: "Young."

Student: "Old."

Teacher: "Stand."

Student: "Lie down"

Teacher: "There is a young man standing on the road."

Student: "There is an old man lying on the road."

Teacher: "I found a dollar."

Student: "I lost a dollar."

Teacher: "I found a dollar and gave it to the teacher."

Student: "I stole a teacher and lost a dollar."

Teacher: "No, you can't say that!" " "

Student: "Correct, you should say so!" " "

Teacher: "Wrong."

Student: "Correct."

Teacher: "that won't do, it's illegal!" " "

Student: "This is ok, this is a legal act!" " "

Teacher: "I was wrong."

Student: "We are right."

Teacher: "Listen to the teacher, what the teacher said is right!" " "

Student: "Listen to us, everything the teacher said is wrong!" " "

Teacher: "You are so stupid."

Student: "We are very smart."

Teacher: "Stop!"

Student: "Go on!"

Teacher: "You stop now! Stop it! "

Student: "Go on now! Say it! "

Teacher: "You stupid pigs, I said stop!" " "

Student: "We are all geniuses, we say go on!" " "

Teacher: "You listen to the teacher!" " "

Student: "The teacher listens to us!" " "

Teacher: "all students have to listen to the teacher!" " "

Student: "The teacher should listen to the students!" " "

Teacher: "now you stop practicing!" " "

Student: "Now let's continue to practice!" "

Teacher: "Are you endless?"

Student: "We finish what we started!" "

Teacher: "Then stop! Stupid pig! "

Student: "Then we should continue! Genius! "

On the first day of school, the teacher asked Xiao Ming, "Xiao Ming, 1+ 1=?" Xiao Ming said, "I don't know." The teacher said, "Then go home and ask your family." Xiao Ming went to ask his mother, who was quarrelling with others. Xiao Ming asked, "Mom 1+ 1=?" Mom said, "Asshole!" Xiao Ming knows 1+ 1= asshole; Xiaoming went to ask his father again. Dad is drinking beer. Xiao Ming asked, "Dad 1+ 1=?" Dad said, "Cool!" Xiao Ming knows 1+ 1= cool; Xiaoming went to ask grandpa again. Grandpa is watching TV. Xiao Ming asked, "Grandpa 1+ 1=?" Grandpa said, "gangster!" "Xiao Ming knows 1+ 1= gang boss; Xiaoming asked his sister who was singing the national anthem: people who don't want to be slaves! Xiao Ming knows 1+ 1= people who don't want to be slaves; Xiaoming went to ask his sister who was singing children's songs: rabbit, open the door! Xiao Ming knows 1+ 1= bunny opens the door. The next day, the teacher asked, "Xiaoming 1+ 1=?" Xiao Ming said, "Asshole." "Pa" teacher slapped Xiao Ming, and Xiao Ming said, "Cool." The teacher said inexplicably, "Who taught you?" Xiao Ming said, "The boss of these people. The teacher was startled and asked, "Xiao Ming, what are you doing?" "Xiao Ming sings: people who don't want to be slaves. The teacher shut Xiao Ming out of the door. Xiao Ming knocked at the door and sang, Bunny, please open the door. The teacher fainted.

When a millionaire passed a village in a luxury extended Lincoln, he saw two beggars pulling grass at the roadside to eat, and the millionaire stopped at once.

"Why do you eat grass?"

"We really have no money ..." A beggar replied.

"Really, get in the car and go to my house."

"I have a wife and two children at home ..." A beggar muttered.

"Call 1 and the rich man points to another beggar." And you, call your family, too. "

"My family has a large population. Besides my wife, there are five children. " Another beggar said.

"It doesn't matter, all call, go to 1.

In this way, two beggars and their families got on the bus, but fortunately it was an extended bus. On the way to exercise, a beggar's wife said gratefully, "Boss, it's very kind of you to invite even poor people like us to our home."

The millionaire replied, "Nothing, I just came back from abroad, and my house has been neglected.". The lawn in the yard may be more than one meter high and you can eat enough. "

An egg went to a teahouse to drink tea and turned into a tea egg; An egg went swimming in Songhua River, and it became a preserved egg. An egg went to Shandong and became a Lu (halogen) egg; An egg was homeless and turned into a wild egg; An egg accidentally fell on the road, fell to the ground and became a missile; An egg ran into someone's yard and became an atomic bomb; An egg ran to the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau and became a hydrogen bomb. An egg got sick and became a bad guy. An egg got married and became an asshole; An egg swam in the river and became a nuclear bomb. An egg ran into the flowers and became a Hua Dan. There is an egg riding a horse with a knife. It turns out that he is a Beijing opera blues. An egg is female and ugly, and it turns into a dinosaur egg; An egg is a man, and his wife commits adultery with other eggs outside, and as a result, he becomes an illegitimate child; There is an egg. ......

Lu Su: "Is it really possible to borrow arrows like this? Mr. Kong Ming? "

Zhuge Liang: "Trust me."

Lu Su: "But I'm still a little worried ..."

Zhuge Liang: "There is no need."

Lu Su: "But don't you think it's getting hotter and hotter in the boat?"

Zhuge Liang: "It's a little inconvenient to say that ... Is there anything wrong?"

Lu Su: "Yes, I'm afraid the enemy is shooting rockets ..."

Zhuge Liang: "Hey! ? Amethyst, can you swim? I can't. "

The story of diusim: "............."

Dong Zhuo: "........."

Lu Bu: "I just want to hear your truth. Which one do you love more?" ! ? "

The story of diusim: "............."

Dong Zhuo: "........."

Lu Bu: "Answer me!"

Dong Zhuo: "It's really hard to decide! I like both! "

Lu Bu: "Scum!" ! "-according to research, the first BL murder in China history occurred in the late Eastern Han Dynasty. ...

1. Why does the silkworm baby have money? = => Because it will cocoon (frugal)

2. Why didn't the white rabbit marry the zebra? = => Because mother rabbit says tattoos are not good children.

When will 3.tw be reunified? = => When buying instant noodles (unified instant noodles)

4. What line does the monkey dislike? = => Parallel lines (because there is no intersection)

5. Chocolate and tomatoes fight. Why does chocolate win? = => Because of chocolate bars.

6. What happens when sharks eat mung beans? = => turned into green bean paste.

7. After the match burned, it went to the hospital. What has it become? = => Cotton swab

8. How did Lin Daiyu die? = => Fall to death (a sister Lin fell from the sky)

9. A pig smashed a dish after saying "Come on"? = => Chocolate

10. The potato stabbed the steamed stuffed bun with a deadly knife. What happened? = => has become a bean paste (killing) bag.

1 1. What animals like to stick on the wall? = => Seal (newspaper)

12. Why do foxes often fall down? = => Because foxes are cunning (slippery)

13.4 people are playing mahjong in the house. Why did the police come and take away five people = => Because the people they played were called "Mahjong".

14. When do you like soda? = => When you are lonely (when you are lonely, you will want soda)

15. An egg goes to the teahouse for tea. What happened afterwards? = => It turned out to be a tea egg.

16. There is a male deer. He walks faster and faster. What happened in the end? = => It became an expressway.

17. One day Mung Bean committed suicide and jumped from the fifth floor, bleeding a lot. What happened? = => has become a red bean.

18. Why didn't the plane hit the stars when it was flying so high? = => Because the stars will twinkle.

19. Corn wanted to pursue fashion and got a perm. What was the result? = => turned into popcorn.

20. What mouse walks on two feet? = => Mickey Mouse

2 1. What duck walks on two feet? = => All ducks walk on two legs.

22. Miss, business is not good now. Why? = => Highly pathogenic avian influenza (HPAI)

23. What kind of people can't work in a gas station? = => A smooth talker (oil gun slips)

24. Is jiaozi a boy or a girl? = => Boys because jiaozi has a foreskin.

25. People in gold clothes = => Shocking (golden) people.

26. A bee stung on the calendar = = > Wind (bee) and sunshine (calendar)

27. A bear is coming. Come prepared (bear comes)

28. The mobile phone can't fall into the toilet = => It's now or never.

29. There are ten sheep, and nine are squatting in the sheepfold = => cadence (one sheep squats wrong)

30. How to make the sparrow quiet? = => Give it a pressure (silence)

3 1. What is a transparent sword? = => Invisibility (Sword)

32. What do African cannibals eat? A: If they eat people, should the chief be a vegetarian? = => Vegetable eater

33. Why are there no dinosaurs now? = => The dinosaur went to make a movie.

34. Xiao Bai looks like his brother. Do you know why? = => It's really like Dabai.

35. How about an egg swimming in Songhua River? = => turned into a preserved egg

36. What about an egg that went to Shandong? = => turned into a (salted) egg.

37. How about homeless eggs? = => became a wild egg.

38. What if an egg accidentally falls on the road and falls to the ground? = => It became an inverted (guided) bomb.

39. An egg fell into the flower. How's it going? = => became Hua Dan.

40. How about an egg swimming in the Dead Sea? = => has become a salted egg superman.

4 1. Xiaoming and Xiaohua go to the seaside to tell jokes. He died after telling jokes. Why? = => Because of the tsunami (laughs)

42. Why don't men go out? = => Because when you go out, you become a layman.

43. Why can't I see God's dick? = => The secret (pheasant) must not be revealed.

44. Why is the iceberg just the tip of the iceberg? = => Because the other horn was broken by the Titanic.

45. How to keep ducks from flying away? = => Give it a wing.

46. Who doesn't have a phone? = => Tianyi (Tianyi Seamless Mobile Phone)

47. Ma Jiajue once told me privately that "a blunt knife is the most lethal". Why? = => Because it is a hammer.

48. Why did Chang 'e go to the moon? = => After nine days of shooting, even the immortals couldn't stand it.

49. Little Black, Little White, Little Yellow and Little Red are flying. Who will get sick? = => White rabbit (vomiting)

50. A fat man jumped from a tall building. What happened? = => Become a fat man.

5 1. Two people fell into a trap. The dead call the dead, what is the name of the living? = => Save someone's life

52. Which is the worst, rubber, tiger skin or lion skin? = => Eraser (Eraser Difference)

53. What are cloth and paper afraid of? = => Not (cloth) afraid of ten thousand, just (paper) afraid of one thousand.

54. The next guest is the pride of China men. He is a singer. Guess who it is? = => Ju Gu Chicken

55. Which song has the lyrics of "CoCo Lee"? = => The moon represents my heart (CoCo Lee, how much I love you).

56. Why does Harry Potter live in a light bulb? = => Because Harry Potter is a wizard (tungsten wire)

57. What Kirin tastes best? = => Ice cream

58. What Kirin runs fastest? = => Michelin

59. The cause of constipation (name a foreign star) = => Stallone (shit is too thick)

60. In cities or villages, where does the river run? = => In the country, because the river in the country is too urgent (why do you have to cook in such a hurry).

6 1.a, b, c, d, e, Ji, g, Xin, which word is the coolest? = => Ding