Super classic joke

Super classic cold jokes, cold jokes are also common language expressions in our daily life. There are many cold jokes, and different cold jokes have different influences on us. Here are the super classic jokes.

Super classic joke 1 1, I lost my mobile phone, so I dialed my friend's mobile phone in a hurry and asked politely, "Hello, have you just found your mobile phone?" The person who answered the phone directly replied, "What did you pick up? I just stole it! " "

2. My friend Lao Dai, who has a son about 5-6 years old, sleeps at night. Lao Dai touched his wife's MM with one hand, just as his son touched another MM, and his son touched his hand. Shota was unhappy and said, "I won't touch it, you touch it." . . Feel it. . . Touch. . . "

3. I am a woman. There is an activity on Douban, and I uploaded my photos. I got a reply the next day. I am nervous, even if it is "too thick", "too dark" or "not straight". As a result, I got a reply that made me even more indignant. I was so angry that I immediately cancelled my Douban account. The evaluation is "man?"

4. When eating in the morning, the plate in my friend's hand slipped, so I shouted: It's broken, it's safe. Then the Nima plate fell more than a meter high, and it didn't break ... it didn't break ... I was wondering if I should take this product out today.

When moving a friend, we shouted "one, two, three" at the same time. Lift the furniture and put it in the car. There is a little girl watching us lift the furniture. She seems to be in a hurry, still talking about something. After loading a few large pieces, I watched the little girl trot over and said, "Uncle, three is followed by four. I have told you several times, won't you? "

6. When the family was watching TV, Dad let out a long fart vaguely. After a while, my mother recovered from the plot and asked, What did you just say?

7. Walking in the street today, I met two grandfathers in their seventies and eighties and greeted each other. Grandpa A: "Oh, you are still alive!" " "Uncle B:" Ang! I thought you left! "... was very confused after listening to it. ...

8. When I was in primary school, my teacher asked me to write a composition about doing housework, repeatedly stressing that it should be true. On Monday, the teacher asked a classmate to read. He read: after dinner, I will help my mother wash the dishes. My mom said roll around. I said the teacher told me to do it. My mother said that your teacher forced me to do so much ... This is the truest composition I have ever heard.

9. Dayu didn't enter the house for three times, and his wife sang at home every day and missed him: Dayu missed those years, and love missed those years.

10, someone received an anonymous letter with the following contents: _ _ water, _ _ wind, _ _ smoke, _ _ prize, _ _ check, _ _ take, _ _ empty and _ _ sign. It took him a long time to understand the meaning, so he had to ask his brother in the literature department for help. After reading it, the senior said to him with a serious face: Have you offended anyone recently? Be careful. He looked puzzled: Why? The senior brother said: Obviously, this letter means that you ... are short of cigarettes.

1 1. There is a new bathhouse, and my buddies and I go to take a shower. Buy a ticket, take off your clothes in the update room and take a shower! Because I didn't know where to go for the first time, I searched naked and finally found a door! We immediately ran over and pushed open the door. It was a street outside. . . . . . .

12, I have a friend named Gou. Many people think they have read Hou (two tones), but in fact they have read enough (four tones). This is the background. ~ ~ ~ I kept mispronouncing when I first met him, until one day I called him in an emergency and said, "Hello, is this Mr. Hou?" He was probably fed up and said excitedly, "Hey! Hey! Hey! (Come on, come on! ""Don't sing yet, I have something urgent to find you ... ""... "

13, when I was in college, the opinions in the canteen were thin and I had nothing to read all day. There is only one sentence written on one page: Do you think I can't recognize the chicken's ass by cutting it into three pieces? ! !

14, I heard that Apple CEO Cook was very satisfied with his visit to the China market, because he saw people all over the street using iPhones, including iPhone3, iPhone4, iPHone4S, iPhone5, iPhone6, with 3-inch screen, 4-inch screen, 5-inch screen, single screen, double screen, flip cover, tablet and slide cover.

15, maybe you are dissatisfied with the status quo and feel fat, ugly, depressed, poor, stupid and declining. ...

16 but please believe that everything will be fine.

17, slowly you will feel so fat, ugly, frustrated, pathetic, stupid and weak. ...

Super classic joke 2 1. When the princess woke up in the morning, the prince asked her if she slept well. She complained, "I don't know what makes me uncomfortable under the bed." The prince was overjoyed and said, "Only a real princess has such delicate skin! Somebody take out the peas and let the princess have a good sleep. " Soon, the guard reported, "Your Highness, the peas are gone, only these red bean paste. . . "

The lion caught a cold. He heard the advertisement that he had a cold and wanted to eat black for free, so he caught a zebra. The zebra cried, "Why don't you eat pandas but eat me?" The lion smiled coldly: "Panda is not enough for a course of treatment."

3. The female zebra lies on the bed, and the male zebra takes good care of it. In addition to eating and drinking, it is convenient to serve food, and it is massaged twice a day in the morning and evening. Early this morning, the little zebra sleepily saw his father sitting there and asked with concern, "Dad, why didn't you give his mother a massage early in the morning?" The male zebra stopped and replied impatiently, "I am playing the piano, you are blind!" " "

When I came home from work and saw my wife asleep, I lifted the bed and just wanted to get in, I smelled a smell of white wine. I asked my wife what was going on. Why is there such a strong smell of wine? She said: "You said that liquor was disinfected, so I took a bath with liquor to see how it worked. What's the fuss? " Me.

5. Wife: "How many times have I told you that this meal should be cooked more?" I said, "You bought rice and cooked it." The wife is furious: "I am teaching you!" " "

6. At the kitchen year-end summary meeting, the cup first spoke: "This year, I am a tragedy." Chopsticks thought for a moment: "It seems that only I can afford it here. Put it down." The rag jumped out and scolded, "Holy shit!"

7. Talking about the band with friends 4. He said he was not listening. I said, how did you do the problem? All of them? He said: "The question behind me is very loud. I listened to his voice! " ""Do you know which ABCD to choose? "He:" A is three pictures, C is one picture, B and D are two pictures, but D draws fast! " "I go to, this is the real listening!

8. Going out to the movies at night, a man and a woman in the front row are kissing and making a noise. I said, "Can you keep your voice down?" The man turned and said, "Brother, do you care?" ? You don't have a girlfriend, do you "I asked him," brother, have you ever experienced despair? "Then he said to the woman next to him," Daughter-in-law, you tell him. "

9. The bitter man asked, "Master, how can we not be tempted by the outside world?" The Zen master pointed to the ancient trees in the forest. The bitter man suddenly said, "Do you want to be like a big tree, let the southeast, northwest and north wind blow and never waver?" The Zen master shook his head: "No, only a vegetable can do it!" " "

10, went to a psychiatric consultation and asked a schizophrenic, "How much do you weigh?" Answer: "I am as happy as I am." Ask again: "Are you allergic to drugs?" A: "Yes, I am allergic to regret medicine!" " " .。 . . . . Questions and answers are like flowing water, and I can't help feeling: small hidden in the forest, big hidden in the city, philosophers hidden in the psychiatric department. ...

1 1. I just took a taxi and the driver asked me if I listened to music. Let me tell you something. I didn't expect this idiot to sing to me all the way. . . The goods sang to rise and shouted to himself, "Where is the applause?"? Then honk the horn a few times. This is not the climax. This wonderful flower cries, "Where are your hands? "? Let me see your hands! "I was thinking, and then I saw him start the wiper. ...

12, a buddy next door moved to a foreigner. One night, a foreigner knocked at the door for help and said, "My TV is broken and I can't change the channel." The buddy looked down at his watch and said calmly, "It will be fine after 7: 30."

13, watching everyone's helplessness, I stood up and said, "Don't worry, treat the problem correctly. We all hope that Qixin Qi Xin will work together to solve the problem in unity! " After that, I was kicked out of the classroom by the invigilator in the applause of everyone.

14, when I was in college, I held a welcome party, and our class sang a song: "We are all a family". Before taking the stage, the brothers encouraged everyone to say, "Brothers, don't be nervous, be as calm as brothers." As a result, more than a dozen people took to the stage with neat steps. After taking the stage, the senior brother announced: "Give a chorus for everyone! The title of the song is "We are all human". "

15, when I got home, I saw my father standing on the balcony and lighting a cigarette, frowning at the dark clouds outside the window. Me: Dad, what's the matter? Dad: It's going to rain. Me: ... Dad: Your mother can't go out for a walk when it rains, and then she will definitely lose all my happy beans.