Classical Chinese funny vernacular

1. Ancient humorous jokes (in vernacular) 1. In ancient times, a monk was seriously ill, was rescued and put on a young lady's bed.

The master invited a doctor to see the monk. Because the monk can't see the wind, the doctor should give a thick pulse through the quilt.

The doctor touched the monk's tender hand and thought it was the daughter-in-law of the host family. Said: "It's irregular menstruation, probably pregnant."

A rich man said to his servant, "When you go out with me, you should boast about my family and perform for me." The servant nodded his head.

On this day, the servant went out with the rich man. Someone on the road said, "The biggest house is Sanqing Hall." The servant quickly said to others, "My master's house is as big as Sanqing Hall."

After a while, someone said, "The biggest boat is the dragon boat." The servant quickly said, "My master's collection boat is as big as a dragon boat."

On the way home, I heard someone say, "The biggest belly is the belly of a cow." The servant quickly said to others, "My master's belly is as big as an ox."

Hearing this, the rich man's beard bristled with anger. 3. Once upon a time, there was a master Jinshi who was overbearing and arrogant.

One spring festival, in order to show off, he posted such a couplet on the door: father Jinshi, son Jinshi, father and son Jinshi; Mother-in-law, daughter-in-law, mother-in-law It happened that a poor scholar in the town passed by the door of Jinshi's house and saw this couplet.

First he showed contempt, and then he gave me a smug smile. In the evening, when he saw no one around, he quietly added a few strokes to the couplet.

Early the next morning, there were a lot of spectators in front of Jinshi's door. They talked and laughed, and everyone praised them: "What a change! Well changed! " The noise outside the door alarmed the master Jinshi, who quickly opened the door and immediately fainted on the steps in front of the door. It turns out that the couplet in front of the Jinshi gate has been changed by the scholar to this: the father is buried, the son is buried, and both father and son are buried; Mother-in-law loses her husband, daughter-in-law loses her husband, and both mother-in-law and daughter-in-law lose their husbands.

4. Once upon a time, a carpenter and a teacher lived together. Carpenters look down on Mr. Wang and often find some difficult words from ancient monuments to tease Mr. Wang.

One day, he found that the word "tea" was more than the word "tea", so he wrote a "teapot" and asked Mr. Wang if he didn't know it was a trick, so he casually pronounced it "teapot". The carpenter smiled and said, "You don't even know the word' tea' to teach!" A few days later, Mr. Wang found a broken broom in the yard. He sawed it off and carved it into a furry little monkey. He asked the carpenter what wood the hairy monkey was carved from. The carpenter looked at it for a long time but couldn't answer. Mr. Wang smiled and said, "So you've been a carpenter all your life, and you have wood you don't know!" " 5。

A tout who claims to be a bastard has no idea of promoting to a higher position and making a fortune at all. In order to please his boss, he specially arranged a sumptuous banquet for the county magistrate. When drinking, he asked, "How many sons does grandpa have?" Without thinking, the county magistrate said, "I have two sons and daughters. What about you?" The magistrate asked, but the touts were stumped.

He thought to himself, "the county grandfather also modestly called his son' dog'. What should I call his children? " After thinking for a while, I had to answer, "I only have a five-year-old turtle." 6。

There is a scholar who is going to take the exam. He worried day and night, and his strange appearance puzzled his wife. She said, "Look at your cowardice. Is it more difficult for men to write articles than for women to have children? " The scholar sighed, "It is always easier for a woman to have a baby than to write an article!" The woman asked again, "Why?" The reader replied, "a woman can have a baby at any time, but my stomach is empty." How can I write an article? " 7。

There is an old scholar in front of the old scholar who climbs the ashes. He is pretentious and often says that he knows heaven and earth and ghosts and gods. Who is ill, just write an article to accommodate ghosts and gods. His son is a freight forwarder, and he is away all the year round. The old man climbs ashes at home.

One day, his daughter-in-law, Ma Mi, hit her awkward place too hard, and suddenly she became red and swollen, and the pain was unbearable. She asked the old scholar to write an article to bend the rules, and the old scholar A readily accepted her life. But how to write it? It's disrespectful to write it directly. He asked himself how many roots and whiskers he had broken. When he was in a dilemma, he heard someone talking next door. He had a brainwave and wrote a wonderful article with a wave of his hand: the daughter-in-law smashed rice and smashed next door.

Please bless the Bodhisattva, and everyone will benefit! 8. Once upon a time, a host entertained guests with lotus roots. He cut off the tip of the lotus root and took it out for the guests to eat, but left the good lotus root in the kitchen. When the guest learned of this, he deliberately said to his host, "I often read poems. I once read such a poem:' Yu Lian, the peak of Taihua, spends ten feet like a boat.

I always suspected that this poem was not true before. Why is the lotus root as long as a boat? Today, I believe this poem is really written. "The master asked him," why? The guest said, "Look at this lotus root." The tip of lotus root is here, but isn't lotus root still in the kitchen? "9. A scholar met a monk. Thinking of the monk's ugliness, the scholar asked the monk, "Master, how do you write the bald words of a bald donkey?" The monk said, "this is just a scholar's beautiful words." * * * just slightly bent. "

10, there was a son who was ignorant, but liked to show off his gentleness. He never leaves his mouth when he doesn't care, which makes his father-in-law very light. One day, my father-in-law was bedridden because of illness, and the child went to see him.

When I arrived at his home, I saw him lying on the bed in my father-in-law's room and shook his head: "Why is my father-in-law sick?" My father-in-law saw his sour face and didn't answer. When the children saw that they didn't answer, they said, "Why don't you invite a gentleman?" ? Father-in-law Ning Ran closed his eyes.

The child was at a loss: "Could it be-the dead?" When' tis once spoken, my father-in-law immediately jumped out of bed and threw a porcelain pillow at him. The children shook their heads and exclaimed, "What a big risk!" ! ".1 1. Legend has it that there was a scholar in the Southern Liang Dynasty who was stupid but eloquent.

He has never seen a sheep. Once, someone gave him a beautiful antelope. He thought it was an ordinary sheep, so he tied the antelope's neck with a rope and sold it in the market.

He didn't ask much, but he sold it many times without selling it. Later, people in the market knew that the scholar selling sheep was stupid and foolish, so they secretly brought a macaque to steal the antelope.

When the scholar saw the macaque, he thought it was his antelope, but he wondered why it had lost its horn and changed its appearance. I saw the macaque jumping about again.

2. Recommend some humorous stories in classical Chinese and their translations.

Taoist, monk, beard crossed the river. Suddenly, when the wind blew, the boat was about to capsize, and monks and Taoists panicked. They threw the scriptures into the river and asked God for help. There is nothing to throw at the beard, just tear it off one by one and throw it into the river. The monk asked, "What's the use of pulling out a beard?" The man said, "I throw my hair (anchor) here."

Translation:

A Taoist priest, a monk and a bearded man were crossing the river when suddenly they met a strong wind and the ship was about to sink. Monks and Taoists are afraid. Hurriedly throw the scriptures into the river and ask God for help. Beard had nothing to throw, so he tore it off and threw it into the river. The monk asked him, "Why did you pull out your beard?" The beard replied, "I threw my hair here."

2. Cross the bridge

A countryman came back from the city and said to his wife, "I sneezed countless times in the city." The wife said, "I miss you at home." He walked across the dangerous bridge with dung on his shoulder every day. After repeating it several times, he almost slipped. Instead, he scolded, "Sao Hua Niang, even if you miss me, you have to see what it is!" "

Translation:

A countryman came home from the city and said to his wife, "I sneezed several times when I was in the city." The wife said, "That's all because I miss you at home." One day, he picked up a load of dung and walked across a rickety bridge. Suddenly he sneezed a few times and almost fell into the river. He scolded: "this slut, even if I want to, I have to see where it is!" "

3, taboo deafness

Deaf and dumb people want to hide their secrets. If you have been deaf for a day, you can sing a song and the dumb will know that you are deaf. You can tie a knot by opening and closing your lips and clapping your hands. The deaf will listen for a long time. Seeing that his lips stopped, he praised: "Wonderful, wonderful. I haven't heard good news for a long time, and today is even better. "

Translation:

The deaf envy themselves for being deaf, and the dumb envy themselves for being dumb. One day, the deaf saw the mute and begged him to sing a song, which was actually a mockery of his shortcomings. Knowing that the other person is deaf, the mute closes his lips one by one, beats his hands and pretends to sing. The deaf also pretend to listen. Seeing the mute's lips motionless, he praised him and said, "Great, I haven't heard your wonderful singing for a long time, and I have made progress today."

Step 4 yawn

A deaf man went to visit a friend. The dog barks when it sees it. He was at a loss. Meet the host. After the ceremony, he said, "Your family respects dogs. I don't think they slept last night. " The host asked, "What do I think?" Answer: "I just yawned when I saw my little brother."

Translation:

A deaf man went to visit a friend. My friend's dog saw him barking, but the deaf didn't notice him. After entering the back room to see the owner bow to each other, he said to the owner, "Does your dog think he didn't sleep last night?" The host asked, "What do I think?" The deaf man said, "The dog kept yawning when he saw his little brother."

Step 5 ask for directions

A nearsighted man got lost and saw a crow parked on a stone by the roadside. He suspected that it was human, so he repeatedly called him names. After a while, the crow flew away, and the man said, "I asked you to disagree. Your hat was blown away by the wind, so I won't tell you."

Translation:

A nearsighted man lost his way and saw a crow standing on a stone by the roadside. He thought it was a man, so he asked for directions. I asked several times, but no one answered. After a while, the crow flew away. Myopia said to himself, "Hum, I asked you if you didn't agree just now. Your hat was blown away by the wind, so I won't tell you. "

3. Riding a princess in the world of mortals, talking and laughing, litchi came running to me.

Ghosts knock at the door in the middle of the night, and passers-by want to die.

If relatives and friends in Luoyang ask each other, they will say that I have gone to America.

Mochow has no bosom friend in the future, and the sea is full of flowers.

Be an outstanding person when you live, and love when you die.

I advise you to drink one more glass of wine. There is no one on the road.

Peacock flies southeast, I'll chase it.

Go out and laugh, (come back depressed)

The conference semifinals dared not go south to herd horses, so they had to go north to resist Japan.

Clear water produces hibiscus, game-writing protocol washes silver gun.

The desert is lonely and straight, and it bends when the wind blows.

Pick some and don't forget to add the best to us.

4. Funny China Classical Butcher can damage the chief father's hill without starting a business halfway.

Today, we have a huge soup. Fiona Fang is seven miles away. This sincerity can be a tree with an inch diameter, a piece of jade, a beautiful island and a rock. However, the guards' ministers were filthy, loyal ministers were frozen thousands of miles away, and snow drifted in Wan Li. The cover chased the butchers all day to see the beautiful scenery of the field, and the more they looked, the more they entered.

Sincerely, it is advisable to cut bamboo and take the road and go to the countryside to feel homesick. Don't hold a holy meeting and stab me in the face to block the way of loyalty. The palace is full of smelly oil and rotten sauce, and there are rows of fines.

If there are criminals, honest and kind, they should show their tails and bare their breasts to show their unkindness. Assistant ministers Yu Shinan, Zhang Suiyang, Zhang, etc. Are they all animals? Do they jump big? , is a butcher like a tourist, Jane.

Fools think that if they learn to read, they can "click" and read the drums all around and scatter tirelessly. Donkeys and generals in Guizhou love to make noises during sex. He tried in the past. The butcher called it "two wars, and he wanted to go first" because he regarded Zhong Yong as a satrap.

Fools think that if they learn from disputes, they can make their flags weak, and if they are chaotic, they can be in an invincible position. Feet confused, eyes blurred. This is why the Han Dynasty was so prosperous; I was confused by my own eyes, I was confused by my own feet. Since then, the Han Dynasty has been so depressed.

When the butcher is around, every time I look at his minister with a knife, I sigh that I am not a good marksman. Taihang, the palace, the son of the neighbor, the snake god, I know that I am a minister who died of chastity. I hope your majesty believes that then the Han Dynasty will be overthrown and nothing can be done.

I don't know who Chun Han is, but he is as tall as two millet. He devoted his whole life to the hidden place in the north, risking his life for the people of Wen Da in Chu. The butcher does not regard his ministers as fierce and chivalrous, but cares about him from left to right. Thanks to the three ministers in the Broken Mountain Temple, the butcher was allowed to live a quiet life with his territory and could not stay long.

When the latter value is overturned, when it is appointed at the end of the road, it ranks between two stocks, and it is useless for you to come. The butcher knew that my minister had thrown my food bar and cup aside, and I couldn't eat or drink, so he knocked my minister to the ground.

Since he was appointed, he has always supported yellow on the left and blue on the right. He only knew how to shoot an eagle with a bow, and he was afraid that the entrustment would not work, so he hurt the young madman of the first emperor. So he brushed Zhang Suiyang with his sleeve and didn't dare to play. Today, the South China Sea has decided that the military revolution is not unyielding, and there is not much rice and millet. When the three armed forces were awarded prizes, they ordered the barbecue for 800 miles, but they were mixed with the former dynasty.

Therefore, the minister reported that the butcher's duty was to go home by the wind. As for the losers who sing on the road and the walkers who rest in the trees, Yu Shinan, Suiyang and Fang Ping will be appointed.

May your majesty languish for Iraq. If not, shoot it and sue the butcher knife.

If there are no novelists, blame the south, which has no good opinion of Yang and is slow to respond. Your majesty will also entertain guests and cut his throat.

I am very grateful to you. I am far away now. I'm fighting two wars, and I want to go first.

5. Funny translation of ancient Chinese short sentences; Ceng Zi, a funny translator of ancient Chinese, said: I save myself three times a day.

Ceng Zimo, the host, said: My body went to three provinces in one day. Confucius said: My parents are here, so I won't travel far.

You must travel well. Confucius said: I dare not swim too far when my parents are here.

You must have a steering wheel if you swim. Confucius said: It's rare to miss an appointment.

Confucius said: Losing one's virginity because of dating sounds very fresh. Confucius said: if virtue is not alone, there must be neighbors.

Confucius said: Germany after World War II was not isolated, and there must be neighboring countries. Confucius said: You can't carve rotten wood.

Confucius said: No matter how precious a sculpture is, it can't be placed on rotten wood. Confucius said: I have never seen a righteous man.

Confucius said: I have never seen anyone like Degang Guo. Confucius said: In a threesome, there must be a teacher.

Choose the good and follow it, change the bad. Confucius said: If we have a threesome, one of us will get wet. Choose someone who is good at threesomes and let her correct those who are not good at threesomes.

Confucius said: Prosperity lies in poetry, and propriety lies in propriety. Success is fun.

Confucius said: Happiness makes you wet. When you stand up, you look like a salute. When you finished, you were happy. Zi Gong said: Sri Lanka has beautiful jade.

Zi Gong said: Russia has a beautiful jade. Confucius said: I guard against Lu, and then I am happy.

Confucius said: I was rude when I was * * *, but I was happy afterwards. Confucius said, "The deceased is like a husband! Don't give up day and night

When Confucius went to Sichuan to eat hot pot, he said: Dead people like Stalin and Khrushchev, overnight. Confucius said: I have never seen goodness as a lecherous person.

Confucius said: I have never met anyone who likes Germany as much as Israel. Confucius said: The afterlife is awesome. How do you know that the new guy is not now? Forty or fifty people don't know anything, I'm not afraid.

Confucius said: People born after 1980s are terrible, but you can't say that they are not as terrible as people now. If they are in their forties and fifties, there seems to be nothing to be afraid of. Confucius said: when I was young, I was cold, and later I knew that pine and cypress were carved.

Confucius said: When winter comes, you will know where the mountain carvings are hidden in the snow forest. Confucius said: The near one says that the far one will come.

Confucius said: if you whisper to the people next to you, people far away will definitely come and listen. Confucius said: there are words in state affairs, words must be kept, and actions must be fruitful.

Confucius said: If there is a road on Nippon paint, it will be dangerous for you to talk and walk (probably a dangerous building). Ceng Zi said: A gentleman can't think about his position.

Ceng Zimo said: Good people always want to know why they don't do their best. Confucius said: Don't suffer from human ignorance, don't suffer from human ignorance.

Confucius said: A person who is not ill knows impotence only when he is ill. Confucius said: By! Those who know virtue are rare.

Confucius said: yo, you still know how to govern the country by virtue. Really new! Confucius said: If a worker wants to do a good job, he must sharpen his tools first. Confucius said: If you want to improve the quality of sexual intercourse, you must sharpen your penis first.

Confucius said: If a man has no long-term worries, he will have near worries. Confucius said: People who don't think about farsightedness worry about myopia.

Confucius said: Sex is similar, but learning is far away. Confucius said: * *' s posture is mostly similar, and * *' s habits are mostly far apart.

Confucius said: Only the superior knows, and the inferior is stupid. Confucius said: it has not changed since ancient times only by letting the people above know and letting the people below fall for it.

Confucius said: A gentleman is righteous. A gentleman is brave without righteousness, while a villain is brave without righteousness.

Confucius said: People take Marxism–Leninism as the guiding ideology. Good people who have courage but don't adhere to Marxism-Leninism will definitely like rebellion. If the bad guys have the courage and don't adhere to Marxism-Leninism, they will definitely be corrupt. If I don't stay and work with you, I'll close my eyes and take a nap today, no less than two or three sentences. Anger also, people who take a nap, not only me, but also the focus. What's more, I haven't lost my mind, and I am very wronged.

What can you do? If you really have the ability, why are more than half of the students lying on the chopping board? Six out of ten people hate you. Are you okay? Its number can be seen. Let bygones be bygones. Today's events are hateful, so don't get angry.

! Mom, if it weren't for my grades, I would have said at least two or three words to you when I dozed off in class today. I'm not the only one who dozes off. Why do you only miss me? Besides, I am not completely asleep. What a mistake! What gift do you have? If you are really capable, why are more than half of the students sleeping at their desks? Six out of ten students hate you. Do you teach well? Judging from the number of people sleeping, I know I won't care about what happened before, but today is really hateful and makes me really angry. Shit, it's fucking uncomfortable.

6. Explain the viewpoint that classical Chinese is hilarious in vernacular Chinese 1. Daguan Classical Chinese is a traditional written language form in China, which has undertaken the task of cultural recording and inheritance for thousands of years.

The decline of the status of classical Chinese began with the "Vernacular Movement" represented by Chen Duxiu in the 20th century. Classical Chinese became the victim of the decline of modern countries.

There are many reasons for the rise and fall of many dynasties in ancient China. Some people "keenly" attribute it to "femme fatale", which is ridiculous enough, but no one has ever attributed it to language. Only modern scholars have a unique vision and have grasped this point. The so-called "open eyes to see the world" should be based on the premise of "learning from foreigners to control foreigners".

The result of "I write my heart by hand" is that what we write is the same as what we say, so "literature" should be changed to "linguistics".

Besides, I really can't find any great achievements. The popularization of vernacular Chinese is progressive. However, what is it now after losing the traditional classical Chinese? Let's not say that we can't understand the vast amount of ancient documents.

Look at the so-called "new poetry" now. Isn't it just a matter of knocking a few carriage returns? Without classical Chinese, we will lose our precious wealth as four ancient civilizations for thousands of years. Third, the status quo Recently, there are essays about primary school students during the teaching of classical Chinese on the Internet. The level is "high", even most modern and contemporary college students can't reach it.

This alone is enough to explain the problem.

7. Funny version of the ancient Chinese translation "Wolf" A butcher came home at night, and all the meat in his burden was sold out, leaving only bones.

I met two wolves on the road and followed him far away. The butcher was afraid and threw the bone at the wolf.

One of the wolves stopped when he got the bone, and the other wolf still followed. The butcher threw another bone, and the wolf stopped to eat, but the wolf stopped in front came again.

All the bones were thrown away, but the two wolves still followed closely together as before. The butcher was very nervous and embarrassed. He was afraid of being attacked by two wolves.

He saw a wheat field in the field. The owner of the wheat field piled firewood in the middle of the yard, covered with mats, like a hill. The butcher ran to lean under the woodpile, put down the burden and picked up the pig-killing knife.

The wolf dared not go forward and stared at the butcher. After a while, one wolf went straight away, and the other wolf squatted in front of the butcher like a dog.

After a long time, my eyes seemed to be closed and I looked relaxed. The butcher suddenly jumped up, cut the wolf's head with a knife, and even cut several knives to kill the wolf.

I was about to leave when I turned around and saw the woodpile. Another wolf is digging a hole there and wants to get through. Attack him from behind.

The wolf's body has gone to half, showing only * * * and tail. The butcher cut off its thigh from behind and killed it.

Only then did he realize that the wolf in front pretended to sleep in order to confuse his opponent. Wolves are also very cunning, but in a short time, both wolves were killed. How many cunning tricks can the beast have? Just give people some jokes.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ It's better to hang the meat on the tree for the time being and wait for the morning.

So he hooked the meat with a hook, stood on tiptoe and hung it on the tree, and then showed the wolf that the burden was empty. The wolf stopped and the butcher went home. Early the next morning, the butcher went to buy meat.

I was shocked to see a big thing hanging on the tree from a distance, as if someone had hanged himself. I walked slowly to the front and saw that it was a dead wolf. I looked up carefully and saw that the wolf had meat in his mouth, and the meat hook penetrated the wolf's jaw, just like a fish swallowing bait.

At that time, the price of wolf skin was very expensive, and the butcher made a small fortune by selling a dozen taels of silver. It's ridiculous that the wolf climbed a tree to beg for fish and was hanged.