Who can provide some English humorous stories suitable for junior high school students? Thanks

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.

Tommy: That's too bad . How did that happen?

Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

He won

Tom: John Ni, how is your little brother?

Johnny: He is ill and bedridden. He was injured.

Tom: That’s too bad. What’s going on?

Johnny: We played a game to see who could lean out the farthest out of the window, and he won.

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"

"A kid bit me ," replied Ivan.

"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.

"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

His ear is in my pocket.

Ivan returned home with a bleeding nose. His mother asked, "What happened?"

"A boy bit me," Ivan said.

"Can you recognize him when you see him again?" Mom asked.

“I recognize him wherever he goes,” Ivan said. "His ears are still in my pocket."

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday ?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more . But why are you so interested in the old woman?"

"She is the one who sells the candy."

Good boy

Little Robert asked Mom wants her two cents.

"What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You are such a good boy," my mother said proudly. "Here's your two cents. But why are you so interested in that old lady?"

"She's a candy seller.

”

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk. "

"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

Drunk

One day, the father went home with his young son. This child is at that age where he is interested in everything and always has endless questions. He asked his father: "Dad, what does the word 'drunk' mean?" "Well, son," replied the father, "look there are two policemen standing there." If I saw them as four, then I would be considered drunk. "But, Dad," said the child, "there is only one policeman there!" ”

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat- trap, sir," replied the boy.

Hospitality

Since there was no cheese at home when the guests were eating apple pie, the hostess apologized to everyone. The little boy The boy quietly left the room. After a while, he returned to the room with a piece of cheese and put the cheese on the guest's plate. The guest smiled and put the cheese into his mouth and said, "My child, your eyes are bigger than your mother's." Good. Where did you find the cheese? "On the mousetrap, sir." said the little boy.

Little English Jokes

Last Friday I wore an Adidas shirt to play ball. An old American laughed at me and said, "Do you

know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex. I have been thinking about sex all day long.

Sex, the abbreviation is Adidas) "I was surprised how he reacted so quickly and had such strong association. When I was rich, an old American next to me helped me out. He said that there is a very famous choir Korn, and one of their signature songs is A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day). I dream about sex) So, this allusion is familiar to many Americans

You can know it in detail! Next time, it will be you who makes fun of the Americans. God once promised me

Once god came up 2 me & granted me a wish. I asked 4 world peace. That's impossible, he said.

Once god came up 2 me & granted me a wish. I said I want world peace. "That's impossible," he said.

Then I asked him 2 give u brains. He said, "Let me try world peace".

Then I asked him 2 give u brains. He said: "You'd better let me try to make the world peaceful." 1.Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him?

Jack : Certainly.

Tom: And why?

Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me.

Tom: William asked me to borrow five pounds. . Should I lend it to him?

Jack: Of course.

Tom: Why?

Jack: Otherwise he should borrow it from me

2. I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport The gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination. At last he succeeded.

'Why are you so nervous?' I asked him .

'The numbers are the date of our anniversary.' my usband confessed.

I was on a business trip with my husband, and he brought his laptop. The airport exit inspector asked him to open his bag. He waited patiently while my embarrassed husband managed to recall the combination to the secret lock. Finally he remembered.

"Why are you so nervous?" I asked him.

“This password is our wedding anniversary.

"He admitted

3. Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?

Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.

Mom: Why do you keep jumping up and down?

Tom: I just took the medicine, but I forgot to shake the bottle first

4.One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit. When I finally entered the house, I called out .'The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'

My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'

One night I opened I took my husband’s car to go shopping. When I came back, I found that the car was covered in dust, so I scrubbed it for a while. When I finally walked into the house, I shouted: “The woman who loves you most in the world just scrubbed your car lights and windshield. .

My husband looked up and said, "Mom is here?" "

5.Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.

'I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.'

' p>

'Don't worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.' He said with a smile.

Mary hated her husband smoking very much and complained to him one day: “I hope one day all cigarette factories catch fire. "

"Don't worry, dear, all cigarettes will light up sooner or later. "He said with a smile. Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.

"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" < /p>

"She is the one who sells the candy."

Good boy

Little Robert asked his mother for her two cents.

" What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday? "

"I gave it to a poor old woman," he replied. "You are such a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Give you two more cents. But why are you so interested in that old lady? ”

“She is a candy seller.

”

Nest and Hair

My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.

"What kind of bird?" my sister asked.

"I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.

"Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .

"Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "

Notes:

(1) inform v. tell

(2) nest n. nest; nest

(3) description n. describe

(4) encourage v. encourage

(5) resemble v. similar; similar

18. Bird's nest and hair

My sister is a primary school student Teacher. Once a student told her that a bird had built a nest in the tree outside the classroom.

"What kind of bird is it?" "My sister asked her.

"I didn't see the bird, teacher, I only saw the bird's nest. "The child replied.

"So, can you describe this bird's nest to us? "My sister encouraged her.

"Oh, teacher, it's just like your hair. "

I've Just Bitten My Tongue

"Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.

"Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"

"Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "

Notes:

(1) poisonous adj. poisonous

(2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue. Cause in the sentence is the shortened form of Because.

I just bitten my tongue. Tongue

“Are we poisonous? " asked a young snake to its mother.

"Yes, dear," she replied. "Why do you ask? "

"Because I just bit my tongue.

”

A Woman Who Fell

It was rush hour and I was dashing to a train in New York City's Grand Central Terminal - As I neared the gate, a plump, middle-aged woman sprinted up from behind, lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slid onto her back. Her momentum carried her close to my shoes. Before I could help her, however, she had scrambled up. Gaining her composure, she winked at me and said, "Do you always have beautiful women failing at your feet?"

Falling Woman

During rush hour, I hurried to New York's Grand Central Station to catch a bus. As we approached the door, a fat middle-aged woman rushed over from behind. Unexpectedly, she lost her footing on the smooth marble floor and slipped on her back. Her inertia brought her close to my feet. But she got up on her own. She calmed down, winked at me, and said, "Do beautiful women always fall at your feet? ”

English Jokes (1)

Q: What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

What is the difference between monkeys and fleas? You may immediately think that they are one big and one small. But other than that, monkeys can have fleas. , but there cannot be monkeys on fleas. Isn't this an interesting answer?

Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?

A: By treading on his corn?

If you step on the farmer's corn or grains, he will definitely be angry; and if you step on the corns on the soles of the farmer's feet, he will be even more angry. Corn Corn can mean both "corn/grain" and "corns".

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?

A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

Because snail (Snail) always carries a house on its back, so it is not surprising that snails are the strongest creatures in the world.

Q: What do people do in a? clock factory?

A: They make faces all day.

When you see the phrase make faces, you must not think that people who work in the clock factory do it all day long. Grimace! Because in addition to this meaning, it can also be literally interpreted as making a clock face.

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

A : Keep him awake.

How to prevent a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep? The easiest way is to prevent him from sleeping.

Although this is not a treatment, if the sleepwalker is kept awake, he will indeed stop sleepwalking.

English Jokes (2)

He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.

-- He is really somebody. What does he do?

-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

He is really somebody.

-- My uncle has 1,000 personal.

--He's really a big shot. What to do?

-- Cemetery keeper.

English Jokes (3)

Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.

At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

They are brought directly from the United States

A Shortly after returning from visiting her daughter in the United States, an old Chinese woman went to a city bank to deposit the U.S. dollars her daughter had given her. At the bank counter, the bank clerk carefully checked each banknote to see if it was counterfeit.

This approach made the old woman very impatient. Finally, she couldn't bear it and said: "Believe me, sir, and please believe these banknotes. These are real US dollars. They are directly from the United States." "Bring it."

English Jokes (4) my little dog can't read

Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

I The dog cannot read

Mrs. Brown: Oh,

Dear, I lost my precious puppy!

Mrs. Smith: But you should put an ad in the newspaper!

Mrs. Brown: It’s no use, my puppy can’t read. ”

English Jokes (5) Bring me the winner

-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.

-- I'm sorry, sir . It must have been in a fight.

-- Well, bring me the winner then.

Give me the winner then.

-- Waiter ,

This lobster has only one claw.

--Sorry, sir, this one must have been in a fight.

-- Oh, then give me the winner.

English Jokes (6) The mean man's party.

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."

"Why use my elbow and foot?"

"Well, gosh, " was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

The Stingy Man's Treat

A notorious stingy man finally decided to treat himself to a treat . When explaining to a friend how to find his home, he said: "You go up to the fifth floor, look for the middle door, and then use your elbow to ring the doorbell. When the door opens, use your feet to push the door open." < /p>

"Why do you have to use my elbows and feet?"

"You have to use both hands to carry the gift. God, you don't come empty-handed, do you?" replied the miser .

English Jokes (7) Advice for "Kid"

A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell, "Get the kid."

Advice to the "young"

Here I would like to give some advice to those who are about to retire. If you are only 65 years old,

Never enter a retirement community. Because everyone there is in their seventies or eighties or nineties. Whenever something needs to be moved, lifted or loaded, they shout, "Let the little one do it."

English Jokes (8) Which woman?

One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.

On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit. When I finally entered the house, I called out." The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."

My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"

Which woman?

One night I drove my husband's car shopping. When I came back, I found the car body covered in dust, so I scrubbed it for a while. When I finally walked inside I yelled, “The woman who loves you most in the world just scrubbed your headlights and windshield.

My husband looked up and said, "Mom is here?" "

English Jokes (9) The doctor lives downstairs

"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."

He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."

The doctor lives downstairs

"Doctor," she shouted after rushing into the room.

"I want you to be honest about what's wrong with me. "

He looked at her from head to toe, and then said loudly: "Madam, I have three things to say to you. First, you need to lose about 50 pounds, and second, if you were to use a tenth of the rouge and lipstick, your appearance would change. Thirdly, I am a painter - the doctor lives downstairs. "

English Jokes (10) One Engine Left

A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult."

Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."

At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"

Only one engine left

When a 747 passenger plane was crossing the Atlantic, The captain's voice came over the loudspeaker: "Passengers, please note that one of our four engines is missing. But the remaining three engines will take us to London. It's just that we have to arrive an hour late because of this. "After a while, the passengers heard the captain's voice again: "Everyone, guess what? We just lost our third engine. But please believe it. We could still fly with only one engine, but we would be three hours late.

At this moment, a passenger said angrily: "For God's sake, if we lose another engine, we will be in the sky all night." ”

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Logic Reasoning

A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson on logic.

"Here is the situation," she said. "a man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yellin

g for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows that he can' t swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"

A girl raised her hand and asked, "to draw out all of his savings?"

Logical reasoning

The fourth-grade primary school teacher was giving a logic lesson to the students. She gave an example: "There was a situation where a man was fishing on a boat in the middle of the river. Suddenly. He lost his center of gravity and fell into the water. So he started struggling and yelling for help. His wife heard him shouting and knew he couldn't swim, so she hurried to the river bank. Can anyone tell me why this is? "A girl raised her hand and replied, "Are you going to withdraw his deposit? ”

[Note] In English, in addition to the “bank” that we are familiar with, bank also means “river bank”.

Have You Ceased Beating Your Wife? Have you stopped beating your wife?

This story is told of a browbeating counsel, who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent’s witnesses．

One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations．

“I want ‘yes’ or ‘no,’” thundered counsel. "There is no need for you to argue the point!"

"But there are some questions which cannot be answered by 'yes' or 'no,'" mildly responded the witness.

“There are not!” snapped the lawyer．

"Oh," said the witness, "answer this then: "Have you ceased beating your wife?

This story is about an aggressive defense attorney who tried to intimidate the other side's witnesses.

One witness was somewhat inclined to give lengthy explanations before answering questions. .

"I want you to answer 'yes' or 'no,'" the defense attorney snapped. "You don't have to argue the issue." ”

“But some questions cannot be answered with ‘yes’ or ‘no’. "The witness responded gently.

"There is no such problem! "The lawyer interrupted him sharply.

"Oh," said the witness: "Then please answer this question: "Have you stopped beating your wife?"

Two Birds

Two Birds

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

Two birds

Teacher: There are two birds here, one is a sparrow. Can anyone point out which is a swallow and which is a sparrow?

Student: I can’t point out, but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell me.

Student: Next to a swallow is a sparrow, and next to a sparrow is a swallow.

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

"Can you tell me what the fish net is made of, Ann?" the teacher asked.

"Tie many small holes together with ropes to make a fishing net." The little girl answered.

My parents performed "Mixed Doubles" last night

Teacher of Physical Education: Have you ever seen mixed doubles, boys?

Physical Education Teacher: Children, have you ever seen a mixed doubles match between boys and girls?

Nick: Yes, sir. Quite of ten. I saw it even last night.

Nick: Yes, teacher, I see you often. I saw it just last night!

Teacher: Please tell us some thing about it.

Teacher: Then tell us about the situation at that time.

Nick: Oh, sorry, sir. My father always says, "Domestic shame should not be published."

Nick: Ah, sorry, teacher. My dad always said: “Don’t let the scandal of your family be publicized.

"(

1. we two who and who?

Which of us is following whom?

2. how are you? how old are you?

p>

Why is it you?

3. you have seed I will give you some color to see together!

You have I want to give you some color, come on, brothers!

4. As far as you go to die! !

5. Hello everybody! if you have something to say, then say! if you have nothing to say, go home!! /p>

6. you me you me

each other

7. You Give Me Stop!!

Stop! p>

8. know is know noknow is noknow

Knowing is knowing, not knowing is not knowing...

Cousin

10．dragon born dragon,chicken born chicken,mouse''son can make hole!

I give! you face you don't wanna face, you lose you face, I turn my face

Give you face, you are shameless, you lose face, I turn my face

12. go, two cars pengpeng, people die

(Description of the car accident scene)

13. heart flower angry open

heart is full of joy

14. go past no mistake past

If you pass by, don’t miss it

15. Xiao Ming: I am sorry!

Foreigner: I am sorry too!

Xiao Ming: I am sorry three!

Foreigner: What are you sorry for?

Xiao Ming: I am sorry five!

16. If you want money, I have no; if you want life, I have one!

If you want money, I have no; if you want life, I have one!

17. I call Li old big. toyear 25.

My name is Li old big. I am 25 this year.

18. you have two down son

You have two down son.

19. Study hard, make progress every day:

Good good study, day day up!

20. People mountain people sea!

There are huge crowds of people.