Old people's jokes

Once upon a time, there was a county magistrate who liked painting very much, especially tigers, but his painting was not good, but he was overbearing and did not allow anyone to say that his painting was not good.

Once, he drew a tiger to hang in class and asked a clever subordinate,' Do you think I draw it like it?'

"It's too small to say."

Why? '

"Afraid."

What are you afraid of? '

"Afraid of your lordship."

Hearing this, the county magistrate was a little proud, and then asked,' What is your master afraid of?'

Fear of the emperor. '

What is the emperor afraid of? '

"Fear of the sky." The magistrate thought, yes, isn't the emperor the son of heaven? Of course I'm afraid of the weather.

What are you afraid of? '

The sky is afraid of clouds, and clouds are afraid of the wind. '

What is the wind afraid of? '

"The wind is afraid of the wall."

What is the wall afraid of? '

"The wall is afraid of mice drilling holes."

What are mice afraid of? '

"I'm afraid ... I'm afraid this thing was painted by the master."

Post two old cross talks.

Hutu county officials

There was a saying in the old society: "peers are enemies." Someone believed this sentence, suffered a lot and was taken in a lot. There is a kind of confrontation among peers, even Lao Dao, a monk who became a monk, is embarrassed. There are many stories about the struggle between monks and Lao Dao in ancient books, and there are also contradictions in their scriptures.

If someone dies, please ask the monks in the tent to chant Buddhist scripture, turn their souls to death, and ask ghosts to go to the west, because the west is heaven and the west will take over.

However, when the old man is chanting, he tells the ghost to go to the east, because the east is a world of white oceans.

If a nun is chanting, ghosts will be sent to the south, because master Nanhai is not in the south.

But when the Lama came to recite the scriptures, he told the ghost to go to the north. There are no ghosts in the world. If there is a ghost, it will be in big trouble. Why? How can ghosts be embarrassed if monks, old people, nuns and lamas are invited to recite scriptures to the dead? Which way should I go? Who is right to listen to? The ghost may have an idea, so he just stood there and turned around. Look at the whirlwind blowing on the road. That's probably what they said. Don't! This is too much.

Once upon a time there was a joke. There was a monk who traveled around the world, settled down everywhere and made a living by begging for alms. One day, I met an old man in a teahouse When having tea with a monk, everyone praised themselves and looked down on each other. When we talk about it, we talk about classics and learning.

The old man said, "It is best to become a monk and dress smartly. I'll write you a poem: wearing a Taoist crown, a blue shirt and holding dust in your hand, you look like a fairy. "

The monk said, "You are not a fairy, and there is no fairy like you. You see, I really look like a fairy. I also wrote a poem: I fast and do good deeds, and often wear a shirt that looks like a arhat. " I think you are: it is inconvenient to have long hair (that is to say, the old hair is too long), and it is really ugly to dress up every day, regardless of gender. "

The monk said that Lao Dao was neither a woman nor a man. The old man doesn't like it. He also said four words to the monk at that time: "I am wearing a robe, my head is hairless, and my ears are cut off like watermelons."

Hey! This sentence made the monk very angry, and the more they talked, the more annoyed they became, and finally they really got into a fight. In that dark society, anything strange can happen. The monk grabbed the old man's hair, drew his bow left and right, and hit a dozen big mouths. Lao Dao also caught the monk, but he didn't catch anything for a long time, because the monk had no hair. Lao Dao grabbed the monk's ear seven times and eight times. When he mentioned it, he opened his mouth and bit the monk's nose. This can be broken at once! The monk's face was covered with blood, and all the people watching in the teahouse surrounded him. There are all kinds of things.

This one says, "What a world this is!" The monk said, "Being a monk is outrageous. If they are all like this, what should we laity do! " "

Just then, the place came and saw two monks fighting, so they bit off their noses. If you see blood, it is a criminal case. You can't rest without permission. You must surprise the official and move the government. I took the monk and Lao Dao to the county government, but I met a confused county official. The county magistrate who brought money, shortly after taking office, asked several cases and asked nothing clearly. The magistrate is not only confused, but also afraid of his wife.

As soon as the magistrate heard about the lawsuit, he immediately ordered the court to rise. The monitor of Class 3 shouted "Mighty" in unison, and the county magistrate took a seat in the class and sent people to stand on both sides. The magistrate saw a monk and an old man kneeling in the hall, and then saw the monk's face covered with blood. The magistrate asked the monk, "Why go to court?"

The monk said, "He bit my nose."

The magistrate asked the old man again, "Why did you bite his nose?"

The old man denied it and said, "Sir, it wasn't me. He bit himself. "

The magistrate said, "Monk, bite yourself. Why do you sue others? "

Hearing this, the monk became very angry. How can I bite my nose? He said quickly, "Sir, I can't reach it by biting my nose."

Hearing this, the master said, "Yes, yes, yes! I can't reach the bite. " He said to the old man, "He can't reach the bite by himself."

Lao Dao said, "He stood on the bench and took a bite."

The master bit his nose when he heard that it made perfect sense. If he can't reach it, if he stands taller, he can reach it. Ask the monk said:

"Good you a bold monk, standing on a stool bite off your nose, but also by good people. Come on, pull it down and hit forty again! "

Look how unlucky this monk is. His nose was bitten off and he was beaten 40 times. Even if he was beaten, he was remanded in custody. He sent people to the streets with Lao Dao to find insurance, so he left the court. When the county magistrate returned to the houzhai, his wife asked:

"Sir, what's the case today? Why did you leave the court so soon? "

The magistrate said, "Madam, you don't know that it was two monks, a cunning monk, who bit off his nose and told the old story instead of telling the truth. Leng said it was bitten by an old man. At that time, I beat the monk forty times and arrested him. I asked for bail. Madam, did I hear this case well today? "

Hearing this, my wife knew that she had made another mistake. Said:

"Sir, biting your nose is beyond your power."

The master said; "That's what I asked. The old man said he stood on the bench and bit it. Madam, please think about it. No matter what you can't reach, isn't it enough to stand higher? "

The wife said, "No matter how high you stand, you can't bite your nose. I'll get you a stool. How about you stand up and bite your nose? "

The master is a little afraid of his wife. He really stood on the stool for a long time and opened his mouth, but he still didn't understand and asked again:

"Madam, is this stool too short?"

The wife said, "well, come on, have you seen enough in your room?" Master went to the yard at that time, stepped on the ladder and entered the room. He stood on the roof for a long time and couldn't reach it. Only then did he understand. Angry and happy, the wife said, "Come down quickly, send someone to take Lao Dao back, and then go to court. Beat the old man severely and take it out on the monk. Otherwise, the people won't accept it, and maybe you won't be a fairy for long. But I'm afraid you can't ask clearly. what can I do? Let's do it! I will hide by your side and play charades with you when I appear in court. Listen to me then. What about the old road? Ok? "

Hearing this, the master was extremely happy.

"Let's do it!" Send someone to catch the old man back immediately and go to the hall for the second time. The host sat in the hall early, his wife crouched behind him, and the monitor of Class Three stood on both sides. Take the old man to class and kneel there. The old man thought, what bad luck this time.

The master was afraid of being knocked out and said, "Old-fashioned! Who bit the monk's nose? "

The old man said, "Didn't you ask? He bit himself. "

The master said, "No! How could he possibly get it himself? "

The old man said, "Isn't he standing on a stool?"

The master said, "nonsense, master, I have gone to my room and I can't reach it!" " "

The wife thought: Wow! Why are you telling him this? Pull the master's clothes by hand and stretch four fingers at him, which means hitting forty boards.

The master turned back and said, "Come on, play an old game."

The old man thought, that's very kind of you, sir. It took you a long time to hit me four times, so you went down to the ground and waited to be beaten.

The wife thought: Oh, no! I told him to call forty. How can he be a four-board? Oh, one finger counts as a board. If you stretch out five fingers, that's five boards. When you turn your hand, it's ten boards, right The other pulled his master's clothes and held out five fingers, tossing and turning, fifteen, ten, fifteen ... forty.

The master turned around and saw his wife's hand tossing and turning. At that time, he ordered: "Turn the old road upside down."

Hearing this, the old man got angry. Did you hit someone and turn them upside down? What is this, my Lord? You are an idiot. People standing in the class also felt indecent, but the master handed it down and dared not turn it over. When he twisted his old ankle, it really turned over.

The wife grabbed her master and waved. The master thought: What is the wave? Oh! I see. "Come on, rub the old man's stomach."

The old man thought, my stomach has stopped hurting. Why did you rub it for me?

I was so angry that my wife gnashed her teeth at him. What does she mean by gnashing her teeth when he looks at it? Oh! "Come on, bite off the old nose!"

My wife is sweating with anxiety. She gritted her teeth, waved to the master and pointed at herself. It means: that's not what I said. The master was even more confused: "Forget it, don't bite, let your wife bite!" " "

I'm talking about the Qing Dynasty today. It happened in Jining, Shandong. There is such a rich man whose family has four sons. Although they were born to a mother, these four boys have different tempers. The eldest is honest, the second is honest, and the third is the only one. The more treacherous the better, the smoother the better, and don't eat at all. People who make friends don't pay him. What a magnetic rooster, iron crane, glass mouse and glass cat-they don't pull a hair! This old four is not only honest but also quiet. He doesn't like the behavior of his third child. He can still answer a few words when others talk to him. The third child asked him anything, and he either hummed or ha, and never said much.

After a long time, the two became more enemies, and the third called the fourth a fool. When I was a child, I studied together, but when I grew up, I couldn't get a piece.

This year happens to be a big year, and I have to go to Beijing to catch the exam. The old rich man chose a good day and told his four only sons to set out. Last night, the third child stayed up all night. He thought to himself: you can't take a fool, and you can't ask him to go! The next day I discussed it with my two brothers. "Big brother and second brother, go to Beijing to catch the exam, let's not take fourth brother!"

The boss listened: "Why?" The third said, "He has no knowledge, and he won't win there!" " ""You don't care about him. If you can't come back, it didn't cost you money. If you want to go, all four of you will go, or you won't go! "

The eldest brother and the second brother are connected, and no one agrees with his idea. His arm can't twist his thigh. What should I do? Hold back the bad idea again.

He thought of another way. When they left home, the two old people were sent out. The four brothers were just about to leave when the third stopped them: "Hey, big brother, second brother, let's go?"

The boss said, "What else?" "What are we going to do in Beijing?" "Catch the exam." "What are you doing in the examination room?" "Make a fuss." "Still. Don't learn how to make a fuss! " "What do you say?" "I said, we'll write a poem and ask my parents to listen to it. Four people each have a sentence. Who can say that they will go to Beijing together? If you can't write poetry, then don't go! " The third thought that the fourth was a fool, so he was not allowed to go. The old rich man didn't know what was going on, so he quickly said, "Yes, yes! You write a poem, the title is to go to Beijing to catch the exam. " As soon as the old man speaks, the boss can't help it. Do it. I said, "Go out and cross the carved saddle." The second child said, "Get on the horse and whip." Hearing this, the third child asked, "Who will win this trip?" Old four said, "Hey!" Hearing this, the third child said, "Say it!" "it's over." "How can you say a word?" The boss said, "One word can control our fifteen words." The third said, "Is that all right?" "Who cares! Go out across the carved saddle, get on the horse and whip. You ask,' Who will win here'? He said, "plunge". Yes, that's him. Go! " Hurry up, let's go. The third child got off to a bad start and was rejected. The four boys were walking forward when they saw a funeral home. When the third child saw it, he tightened the reins and said, "Woo!" Stop. "Eldest brother, second brother, there is a funeral in front, carrying a coffin, let's take this as the topic, every word, make a poem. How about it? " The boss said, "All right. Listen to me: I met someone who bit when I left the village. " The second child said, "Everybody, Qi Xin, work together to lift it." The third said, "Just send it to the grave." Old four said, "Bury!" "Say it!" "it's over." "Eldest brother, why did he say something about me again?" "Yes, the coffin is in the cemetery, not buried! What about you? Let it go, don't bury it? " The boss said, "Don't you just leave after you bury it?" "Yes, go!"

As soon as I left the village, I met a bride-to-be, with a flag gong umbrella fan in front and a sedan chair behind. The third child pulled the reins: "Whoo!" "Eldest brother, second brother, look at this wife." The boss said: "Take this as the topic, each person has a sentence and a poem." The third said, "Good. It depends on your idea. " The boss said, "Nonsense! You have to say it if I don't say it. Well, I said, I looked up and saw a sedan chair. " The second child said, "The gong in front clears the way." The third child said, "Relatives and friends are happy." Old four said, "Laugh." "Finished again? Hey, one more sentence? " The boss said, "Yes, why don't you cry when you marry your daughter-in-law?"? Stop talking nonsense and go! " "Ah, go to-"old this gas!

Go further and see an ancient temple in the distance. The third bridle: "Hey! Big brother, second brother, look at this temple. " "Get off my back. Ladies and gentlemen, let me say first: I saw a monk in the ancient temple. " The second pointed to the bell tower and said, "There is a bell hanging upside down." The third said, "I called 108 times in a row." The fourth said, "Hum-"The third said, "Another word!" The boss said, "Yes, isn't it" hum "when the bell rings? Don't say 108 times, even 2 16 times is a' buzzing' sound. " The third child said, "Oh, he is still humming.". Go! "

The birds have returned to their nests, and the sun is setting in the west. They came to a county town and headed for the moat. There is a bridge, which is a wooden bridge. A blind gentleman tried to cross the bridge with a horse pole. This bridge is too narrow to cross. The third child said, "Mr. Wrong has crossed the bridge. Let's sing another song." The boss said, "There is a wooden bridge over the river." The second child said, "Swing here and there." The third child said, "The gentleman who admits his mistake dares not pass." "around!" The third said, "Hey, let's go around!" Entering the city, there is an inn on Cross Street. The white wall at the gate reads "Anyu Merchants" and on the other side reads "Official Taiwan". The third said, "Don't go, let's stay in a hotel."

The shop settled them in the room upstairs. I haven't eaten. I just ordered a little. After dinner, the boss said, "Go to bed early, and you have to hurry tomorrow morning!" " "The old man didn't sleep all night, he can't sleep! I thought to myself: this fool has been saying a word, and Big Brother insists that he is right. How irritating! If I get to Beijing, my stomach won't split in two! Just think of an idea and send the fool back. He thought about it and came up with a way. Look at the weather the next morning, hey! Everyone waits for no one, but it rains every day. Old three is happy! Immediately call the clerk in the shop: "Go and buy me something, two pounds of mutton and a half, three pounds of noodles, two zucchini, onions, garlic, oil and salt, firewood and water. This is two taels of silver and the rest is yours. " "yes. "In a short time to buy back. Ask the waiter to help me chop meat, mix stuffing and mix noodles. Call the three brothers: "eldest brother, second brother, fourth brother, it's getting late, get up!" "The boss rubbed his eyelids:" OK, OK, let's pack our bags quickly. "

The third said, "I can't go, it's raining outside!" " Big Brother and Second Brother, it's cloudy today. Let's eat jiaozi. The boss said, "That's too much trouble! "The third said," Don't bother, the stuffing is mixed and the noodles are ready. I also gave you two pieces of silver for shopping, so I won't ask you for it! " "The boss thought: He is not so kind at ordinary times. What happened today? ! Boss, I wonder if he's hungry, old four! The three brothers washed their faces and rinsed their mouths. The third said, "Eldest brother, second brother and fourth brother, we are the young masters of the family. We have tea and rice. Now, on the way to the exam, I have to eat and do it myself. My idea is to eat rice, drink water and drink soup. Now all that's left is to pick up medicine, roll skin, wrap, cook, fish and light a fire, and the four of us will work together. Brother, what do you want? " The boss said, "I'll get the medicine." The second child said, "I'll roll, I'll pack." The third said, "I cook and I fish-where is the fourth one?" "Eat!" "What to eat? One more sentence! "

The third son said to himself, it's strange that I let you eat! As the saying goes, "Many hands make light work". After a while, jiaozi got well, fished out the two big pots, arranged chopsticks and plates, and occupied each side of the table. The boss said, "Oh, I'm really hungry. I can eat first. " End with chopsticks. The third said, "Wait a minute. I can't eat this jiaozi for free! " Boss thinks I know you're not that kind! "Just two taels of silver, I'll give it!" "No," said the third. You think wrong. I not only gave the money, but also ate jiaozi every day from today until Beijing. I also tell you that I pay for it every day. But in one section, I have one condition. "The boss asked," what conditions? "

"From today on, we have to eat, drink, sleep, sit, lie and walk, and we have to write poems. Old four, you can understand that we are writing limerick, and the meter is not limited, and the number of words is casual, as long as it rhymes. " The boss said, "Is four words ok?" The second child said, "Five words will do. As long as it rhymes, I say six words and you say two words, as long as they are right. " "Yes, that's what it means." The boss said, "I'll go first." The third said, "Don't be busy, I'm not finished yet. Listen carefully: there are not many words in writing poems, but there are restrictions in my essays. We are responsible for a jiaozi with one word. For example, eldest brother says seven words, eats seven jiaozi, second brother says five words and eats five jiaozi. Understand? Go! " The boss really understood: this is a hungry old four! Together, he said a word, and now it is a word, a jiaozi. That won't make him hungry! The boss took out the style of being a brother: "I said we eat? Still making trouble? ! What kind of poems do you write? Don't write, eat! " The third child was anxious: "If you don't write poetry, no one will eat it. I can strike the table! " "The second child said," Brother, just say it. "The boss said," what did I say? ! Old four, big guy, can a jiaozi drink? "The second child said," Brother, don't worry, don't we just talk more? "? We have enough left for him to eat. "The boss said," What's the topic? " The third said, "Whatever." The boss looked up and saw a swallow nest on the beam. Yes, let's take this as the topic and say, "The bird's nest on Liang's head is a big bird's nest-seven words, I will dial seven jiaozi to eat."

The third said, "Don't move! I am coming! " He picked up a small dish and chopsticks and handed it out: "Liang, Tou, Yan, Wo, Da, Yan and Lei, hey, eat these seven." The second child looks at it: Dig by the word! I said, "The swallow can't fly until it has feathers. Xiaoyan can't fly without feathers, can she? Seven words, I dial it myself! " A bowl of seven jiaozi were all smashed by chopsticks: "I eat! I eat! I eat! " The third child said, "Second brother, how to eat it when it is mashed?" The second child said, "Leave it alone!" Scoop a little soup with a spoon. "I am a piece of soup and a ball. Do you care? " Cut the crap, it's your turn! The third thought: the eldest brother said that the liangtouyan has a big nest, and the second brother said that the swallow can only fly if it has feathers. If I say that the swallow will go back to the nest after feeding, the fourth brother will definitely guarantee a "hello".

Hey, just let him eat a jiaozi, yes! "Dayan back to the nest for food. Old four, you say, you are quick to say! " Old four, hello is on my lips. Let the boss cover his mouth! "Really say hello?" The old four said, "The geese are back from hunting, so you should feed them!" "The boss said," hi! Why hello? You said' feed in the nest', but you still eat four. "Feed it later" and eat three; Feed first',' feed later', eat two! The third said, "Brother, why are you in such a hurry?" "Old four said," Big brother, how much do you say to eat? " The boss said, "Wow, why don't you understand? One word controls a jiaozi, the more the better. The fourth brother said, "Third brother, help me count!" The third said, "All right, you go." Old four said, "Xiaoyan is looking forward to Dayan's return. "

Hearing this, Lao San almost didn't make Xiao Bian angry. He said a word all the way from home. This time, one word governs a jiaozi, and he hasn't said a word less! "Good, you also come to seven!" Old four rolled his eyes: "Why do I only eat seven jiaozi? This is the beginning, and there are many more! " "What else?" "Three elder brother, you can count slowly, but you can count very accurately. I can say: Xiaoyan expects Dayan to return. In the morning, the geese walked out of the nest, spread their wings, waved their feathers and flew forward. Fly over Cebu Temple in front of the mountain, and fly over Li Lingbei behind the ridge. Su Wu Temple is full of incense, before the north wind blows Li Lingbei. Loyal ministers, traitors and sages have no time to read them, and they are like arrows. Just before the big day, Xiaoyan smiled as soon as she saw the door of the bird's nest. Call your mother when you open your mouth. You are always worried about your son. One day, when the mother is old, the child will come back to feed and repay her kindness. I was very happy to hear it before, so I quickly fed my son. This feed, that feed, that feed, after that feed ... "The third child said," Stop feeding, jiaozi is all yours! "