Internet funny quotations-beauty is a recommendation letter

People can't get along with each other by courtesy!

People are afraid of famous pigs and strong, men are afraid of having no money and women are afraid of being fat.

People are not smart and bald like others.

Life is about being born and living.

Asking how sad you can be is like a group of eunuchs going to a brothel.

Although I believe in vows of eternal love, I may not believe you.

How to lose weight if you don't have enough food?

Don't be lazy with me, I'm too lazy to compete with you.

I haven't been in the Jianghu for a long time, and there is always my biography in the Jianghu.

Most beautiful women are similar, but ugly women are different.

A person's life is like taking a shit. Sometimes you have worked hard and all you get is a fart.

Don't ask me again: How have you been recently?

I want to puppy love, but it's too late.

I have a little thought, but I don't lack it; I have a good temper, but not without it!

Rogues are not terrible, but they are afraid that hooligans have culture.

If beauty is a letter of recommendation, then kindness is a credit card!

People don't attack me, I don't attack; If people offend me, comity three points; If people force me again, I'll give you an injection; People still attack me and kill the grass.

The direction against the wind is more suitable for soaring. Not afraid of being blocked by ten thousand people, I am afraid of surrendering myself.

People have many backgrounds, and I only have one back.

There is no rehearsal in life, and every day is live broadcast; Not only the ratings are low, but also the salary is not high.

Life is simple. Live, relax. Life is not easy.

Life is the mouth of Song Like Zude, and you never know who will be unlucky next.

A scholar dies as a confidant, and a woman is a lover of herself.

I'll miss you after you leave. Why don't you leave?

I would rather be proud and moldy than humble in love!

A woman's wardrobe is like a harem, with countless beautiful women and only a few who like it.

There may be several women who don't eat, and none who are not jealous.

Tongue is longer than teeth, and software is longer than hardware.

If beauty is a letter of recommendation, then kindness is a credit card.

1, flowers often do not belong to people who appreciate flowers, but to cow dung.

There are many backgrounds, but I only have my back.

I will miss you very much after you leave. Why don't you leave?

Most beautiful women are similar, but ugly women are different.

5, hooligans are not terrible, but they are afraid that hooligans have culture.

6. The direction against the wind is more suitable for soaring. Not afraid of being blocked by ten thousand people, I am afraid of surrendering myself.

7. Marriage is like a maze, and the people who built it have lost their way first.

8. How to lose weight if you don't have enough to eat?

9. I didn't mean to be different, so I have to have outstanding taste.

10, protect yourself and love others, please don't come out in the middle of the night to scare people.

1 1. Besides teeth, there is love.

12, gold always shines, but when there is gold everywhere, I don't know which one I am.

13, people who run around brothels are not old, please use Huiren Shenbao.

14, my god! My clothes have lost weight again.

15, there may be several women who don't eat, and none of them are jealous.

16. Tongue is longer than teeth, and software is longer than hardware.

17, people can't get along without manners!

18, people are afraid of famous pigs and strong, men are afraid of having no money and women are afraid of being fat.

19, people are not smart and bald!

20. Life is life, not life.

2 1, asking how sad you can be, just like a group of eunuchs going to a brothel.

22. Although I believe in vows of eternal love, I may not believe you.

Don't be lazy with me, I'm too lazy to compare with you.

24. I haven't been in Jianghu for a long time, and there are always legends about me in Jianghu.

25. There is no rehearsal in life, and every day is live broadcast; Not only the ratings are low, but also the salary is not high.

26. Life is simple. Live, relax. Life is not easy.

27. Life is the mouth of Song Like Zedd. You never know who will be unlucky next.

28. Scholars play dead for their confidants, while women have plastic surgery for those who please themselves.

29. I would rather be proud and moldy than humble in love!

30. A woman's wardrobe is like a harem. There are countless beautiful women, only a few of whom like it.

3 1, women often miss men; Men are often fickle with women.

32. A person's life is like taking a shit. Sometimes you have worked hard, and all you can come up with is a fart.

Don't ask me again: How have you been recently?

34, I want to puppy love, but it's already late.

35. I have a little mind, but I don't lack it; I have a good temper, but not without it!

36. If beauty is a letter of recommendation, then kindness is a credit card!

37, people don't commit me, I don't commit crimes; If people offend me, comity three points; If people force me again, I'll give you an injection; People still attack me and kill the grass.

38. A person's life is like taking a shit. Sometimes you have worked hard, and all you can come up with is a fart.

39. The longer you have contact with people, the more you like dogs. Dogs are always dogs, and people are sometimes not people!

40. Driving is not difficult, but there are new people.

Internet funny quotations

1. I grind my teeth when I sleep (my wife said, I don't know). One day, my daughter-in-law asked me, what dreams do you have when you sleep at night? I always gnash my teeth and answer, I dreamed of you. I dreamed about you. It's your turn! ! !

After making a beautiful girlfriend, she confessed to me for the first time, and I gave a cucumber. Seeing that she was so honest, I told her, well, I don't care, I will go in the future. But one day, I suddenly found a cucumber in her mobile phone address book, and I was blocked instantly.

It happened in the army at that time. A comrade-in-arms is a little sissy and asked me to go to the bathroom together. I came directly to say that you are sick and call me when you go to the bathroom. At this time, a fellow villager in my class called me, buddy, to go to the toilet for a cigarette. (Note: Smoking is not allowed in the army recruits' class), the landlord immediately shook his body, and he was so happy that only Xiaobing was left alone in the wind.

4. Take a shower with your husband. Just after undressing, my husband said "Hattie" in surprise, and then counted it like a child who just learned to count. 1, 2. I was curious to ask my husband what he was counting. The husband said in surprise, I'm counting the swimming rings on you. Get out of here. Your math class is taught by your Chinese teacher, right? Only three were returned to my mother, and one was missing.

A colleague took a wedding photo, and the photographer said, Come on, handsome boy, put your hands in your pockets. Colleagues put their hands into the pockets of jackets and suits.

6. There is a roommate in the university, which is very funny. On the way to class in the afternoon, he has been practicing long jump and took a big step in running. When gc reached the corner of the building, he jumped again. That's all he heard when he split his thigh. More interestingly, several girls from the corner still know each other. Finally, he borrowed a classmate's coat and went back to the dormitory.

7. Just now, my seven-year-old son ran to me: Dad, I just learned a poem called Ode to Dad. Shall I recite it to you? Me: Ah! Son can recite poems? Or a compliment to dad. Tell dad. Son: Dad, Dad, with a thin neck and a big head, sleeps dishonestly, wets the bed and talks in his sleep. Don't run, boy. Let's try stick education.

LZ was on the night shift last night. Have dinner with colleagues in the evening. I sat next to a goddess, and I was embarrassed to say hello. Colleagues suddenly saw rice grains on the mobile phone that the goddess put on her lap, so they quietly told me that LZ had a brain pumping and said a sentence directly. I am full and hungry. No wonder the goddess looked over and said nothing.

9. My little nephew is over two years old and loves to talk. Ask me one day, uncle, why don't you get married? I teased him and said, will you help your uncle find an aunt? He said yes ~ I'll go to the playground to find an aunt for my uncle. I heard tears in my eyes. My little nephew is too sensible to talk about with excitement. He added, I will go to my uncle when I grow up. When you grow up, when you grow up, I cry even more.

10, one day my wife asked me: I finally sent my son to kindergarten, and I should look for a job. Please show me a bright way! Me: That's easy to say. Just sweep the street. You are good at sweeping the floor. The road you sweep must be Guangming Avenue!

165438+ ! Let's go to the hospital at once. This child must be saved!

12, a girlfriend came to my house to play and changed clothes in my room, but the curtains were not closed. I quickly reminded her, and she said disapprovingly, Change clothes in your room, and the person opposite thought it was you when they saw it! Hey, why should I make this stupid good friend? Do you want to make friends?

13, I saw a beautiful woman in a food stall today. Beauty: Does the proprietress have any paper? The beauty seems to be in a hurry, and the proprietress is also generous. She took a few pieces on the dining table and gave them to the beautiful woman. The beauty ran to the next toilet. I asked the proprietress in my heart, can you please give your sister a good piece of paper after you catch the pepper? I wonder what will happen if your sister comes out.

14, Husband: I heard that someone died and wanted to drink Meng Po Tang, so forget about me. Me: Then I don't want to drink it. Husband: Don't you want to forget me? Me: I asked her to give me the biggest bowl.

15, I went to the park with a buddy at the weekend and saw a dog taking a shit. When my buddy passed by, the dog barked at him. My buddy was angry at that time: Cao Ma, what do you mean, I can steal your shit? When I heard the domineering language of my buddy, I instantly felt that my buddy's back was also high.

16, I went to the barber shop with my sister, because my sister's breasts were bigger, and the guys in the barber shop rushed to wash my hair. Why didn't anyone grab my hair? Shit, I also understand why the reclining chair for washing hair is designed like this, not just for the comfort of customers.

17, the athlete was bedridden due to illness, and the team doctor took his temperature in his lethargy. The athlete asked: How many degrees? Answer: Close to 40 degrees! The athlete asked again: How far is it from the world?

18. Just now, on the way back to the company after shopping with my colleagues, a beautiful woman in front was walking in the middle of the road on the phone. She is in a hurry, as if looking for someone. A car behind us honked its horn and stopped slowly among us. The landlord looks at K5! White! Colleague's car! Open the back door conveniently, sit down and do it at once! I will never forget the confused eyes of my sister holding a mobile phone at the landlord and the co-pilot aunt after another door was opened!

19, I still remember that year, I went to the station to meet my wife, specially cut my hair and wore a white shirt that I didn't usually wear. When I arrived, I asked her cheerfully, wife, do you think my whole body reminds you of an era and a period of youth? My wife pointed at my chest: The story of Uncle Sloppy? When I looked at it, I didn't know when a big lump of Chili oil appeared. What about the agreed 17-year-old bike and white shirt? Why not let others be wind chasers?

In the office, the English teacher helps a student with learning difficulties to improve his oral English. The teacher helped him practice oral dialogue first. Hello! As soon as the teacher said, the boy opened his mouth and came: cool dog! Alas, I have listened to too many songs on the Internet!

2 1, someone in the group sent a red envelope, and the result was spontaneous. Some people are very angry and say, no, how can you eat alone? I quickly agreed: Yes, spit it out and eat it together!

22. In high school, the class teacher liked to check posts outside the window. Once, I was playing with my mobile phone in class at the same table. It happened that the class teacher was on the phone outside the window and rushed over when I saw my deskmate. Without saying anything, he dragged his deskmate's mobile phone over and yelled, letting you play in class. As a result, he dumped his phone. The deskmate looked messy, and the class teacher silently picked up his Nokia battery and shell. .

I went swimming for the first time last summer. As a result, the locker room and the cabinet are not on the same floor. I changed my bathing suit and put all my clothes in the cupboard. I found that I couldn't find my underwear when I came back. Later, I had no choice but to put on my pants and pretend that nothing had happened. I went to the door and heard that someone had found a pair of underwear and claimed it. . Have no courage to go. That pair of underwear was silently abandoned by me in the lost and found. .

24. Once my girlfriend came to see me, I asked her to wait for me at a certain intersection. It's close. She said she didn't know the way. I told her to walk in the past 100 meters. As a result, she said, there is no sun today, and I don't know how to get there! God, I was immediately impressed by her IQ.

25. After self-study, I pushed open the dormitory door and found my roommate sleeping on my upper bunk. He pointed a flashlight at his ear in one hand and an ear shovel in the other, and asked him what he was doing. He said: You can only see clearly by pulling out your ears! See clearly? Your eyes will be busy!

26. One day, while walking on the road, two people quarreled. One person can't beat the other, just say, I spit in your face. Another person worships instantly!

27. Last night, I spent 10 to buy more than a kilo of mango (one kilo in 5.5 yuan) ~ ~ Passing by the fruit stall downstairs in the community, the aunt selling fruit asked: How much did you buy this mango? Tell her, after all, let me weigh it for her and say I lost money! The result is put on the scale, and the price shows: 14.5 yuan! I vaguely floated a sentence: Did I miss two pounds before _ I saw her green face messy in the wind, and she would not die if she didn't die!

A few days ago, my friend gave birth to a son. I called on the road today to ask about the situation. I asked her, do you have any milk? Here comes the point. Just finished, I calmly walked past a boy, and instantly felt ashamed to see anyone.

29. Tell an interesting story. One day I took the bus after work, and there were two beautiful women talking next to me. One of them said, hey! Nowadays, men are more and more colorful and always bother me around me. It's really annoying Another sister said: You are right. At work, almost every day there are several men around me, like flies, I can't get rid of them. At this time, a 2-year-old child across the street asked, Dad, what is a fly? Dad said: it's the bugs you see outside, revolving around garbage and shit.

30. I flew with my colleagues, with four seats in the middle and two beautiful women next to me. I'm really sorry that my colleagues started pretending to be B: X when they got on the plane. We had an accident. I didn't book first class. This is my dereliction of duty. I will do it well next time. He looked humiliated, asked the stewardess to bring me a blanket, and then chatted with the beautiful woman next to him. In order to cooperate with him, Lao Tzu lived for more than two hours, pretending to be deep. He missed the opportunity without saying a word. Now I think wearing that grandson is really smart. I really want to help him several times.

Internet popular funny quotations

1. Don't listen to things outside the window, just read e-books.

2. The crowd searched for him for thousands of Baidu, and suddenly looking back, the man still disdained me.

3. During the military training in senior three, the male coach who took us was very strict and was not allowed to take time off to have a rest. One day, a girl shouted: report to the toilet, I want to be an instructor! It seems that this is the only leave given by the tutor. It seems that it is impossible to get a fake one!

Since I met you, I think the world is really beautiful, because there is nothing worse than you.

Happiness is when you don't listen in class, but you find that the people who listen don't understand.

6. No equation of love and tears can compare with the mathematical equation.

7. He, surnamed Li, the second generation of officials, is a rich boy. His father is a household name in China. When he was a teenager, he drove very fast without a license. He is arrogant and nicknamed the silver gun bully. If he doesn't agree with each other, he starts to hurt people. He bullied others many times because of family influence. That's right! He is: Nezha!

8. There is a kind of fill-in-the-blank problem called complete incomprehension, a kind of multiple-choice problem called looking to the right, a kind of calculation problem called crying while doing, and an application problem called falling apart.

9. As for the exam, three points are doomed, and seven points depend on hard work. There's nothing we can do about the remaining 90 points.

10. At the scene of "If You Are the One", a male guest said: Hello everyone, today I want to find someone who can hold my hand for a lifetime. Dealing with the land all day (the lights are half off), don't buy a house if the salary is not high (the lights are half off). Murphy said: Many people look down on farmers and think that their income is low and they can't afford to buy a house. This is irrational! The male guest interrupted: I am not a farmer, I am a real estate developer.

1 1. The most advanced boredom, turn on the computer, press the phone, chew snacks and watch TV.

12. At dinner today, my mother-in-law suddenly asked her husband: If your wife and I fall into the sea at the same time, who will you save first? Looking at the expectant eyes of my mother-in-law and me, my husband said faintly: I will die with you.

13. The typical sign of being single is that the one-month traffic package is long gone, and more than half of the call package is left.

14. Whenever faced with a lot of homework, I can't help singing: I was conquered by you and cut off all my retreat!

15. Actually, I'm not stupid, I'm just too lazy to be smart.

16. In order to win the support of black voters, a white man made a campaign speech in the black area. In the speech, he blurted out: Although my skin is white, my heart is as black as yours.

17. When I get rich, I'll buy two lollipops, one for you to eat and the other for you to eat.

18. The weather is as hot as a joke and life is like nonsense.

19. Don't mess with me, or I'll let you die rhythmically.

20. I am not afraid to drink dichlorvos, but I am afraid to imagine: another bottle!

2 1. Some people are destined to wait for others, while others are destined to be waited for.

22. There are two ways to pollute a place: use garbage or use money!

23. Only when there is a long queue can we truly realize that we are descendants of the dragon.

24. We have some differences: she wants me to turn dung into gold, and I want her to treat gold as dung!

At that time, I was poor all my life without going to college, but now I am poor immediately after going to college.

26. In the past, first-class students went abroad, second-rate students took postgraduate entrance examinations, and third-rate students got jobs.

27. Now: first-class students are employed, second-rate students are going abroad, and third-rate students are taking postgraduate entrance examinations.

28. The customer is not God, just cheated.

29. It is not terrible to meet a group of hooligans on the Internet. The terrible thing is to encounter a bunch of rogue software.

30. Children regard toys as friends, while adults regard friends as toys.

3 1. People always want ghosts and gods to know when they do good things, but they always think ghosts and gods don't know when they do bad things. We are too embarrassed.

32. Advertising is to tell others that his money can still be spent like this.

33. The attitude towards intellectuals marks the degree of civilization of a nation, while the attitude towards workers and peasants is a matter of conscience of this nation.

34. How much sorrow can you have, just like a eunuch going to a brothel!

35. Brother, I will throw a brick first. If there is jade, throw it to me.

36. If being rich is also a mistake, I'd rather make the same mistake again.

37. Life is nothing more than making others smile and occasionally smiling at others.

38. Love is not a refuge. If you take refuge in it, you will be thrown out.

39. Women like men who feel safe; Men are often attracted to insecure women.