Keep telling jokes

1. Snakes, ants, spiders and centipedes play mahjong at home. After eight laps, the cigarette was finished. Let's discuss who to buy cigarettes for. The snake said, I have no feet. I'm not going. Let the ants go. The ant said: A spider has eight feet, more than mine. Let the spider go. The spider said: I can't beat the centipede with more feet. Release the centipede. The centipede was helpless, thinking: No way, who let me have more feet? So centipede went out to buy cigarettes. For more than an hour, the centipede didn't come back. Two hours later, the centipede didn't come back to buy cigarettes. So everyone let the spider go out and have a look. As soon as the spider went out, he saw the centipede sitting at the door. The spider was very angry and asked, why don't you go? Everyone is waiting. The centipede was also anxious and said, nonsense! You have to wait for me to put on my shoes!

One night, when a young woman passed by a mental hospital, there was a sudden "wow" behind her. The woman turned her head and saw a naked man chasing her. The woman began to run in fear, and the man behind her followed. No, there's a dead end ahead. This woman is desperate. She knelt on the ground and cried, "Whatever you do, just don't kill me." The man smiled cunningly and said, "Really? Then you start chasing me now. "

There is a madhouse. One day, the dean wanted to see how many people had recovered. Ask the nurse to draw a door on the wall. I saw all the patients crashing into the wall crazily. The dean was disappointed. Suddenly he saw that only one patient was indifferent. The dean was very happy and ran to ask him, "don't you want to go out with them?" The patient replied, "these idiots, I have the key here!" " "

4. In a mental hospital, two people are talking: "What about my novel?" "Yes, there are too many people." Then the nurse shouted to them, "Hey, you two put the phone book back quickly."

Some people are good at using laptops. After listening to friends say that the mouse is better than the trackball, they borrowed one from their friends and tried it at home. For no reason, he electrocuted his friend. A: The mouse is more difficult to use than the trackball, so it only moves a little after sliding for a long time, and the buttons are on the back, which is very inconvenient. ...

6. A warship is sailing at sea. One night, a sailor suddenly noticed a little light in the distance. He immediately reported to the captain, "Tell the captain that there is a ship coming towards us not far away. If we don't change our course, we will hit it! " 」

Hearing this, the captain immediately shouted "Whoo! This is the captain, please move your ship and channel to the east immediately 10 degrees! The other party replied: "Hoo hoo! Please move west 10 degrees! Captain: I am a warship. Don't you dare ask me to move! " The other party immediately said, "Take the exam! I am a lighthouse. Why don't you fight if you can? 」

7. The spider and the bee are engaged. The spider feels very dissatisfied and asks her mother, "Why should I marry the bee?" "The spider's mother said," Bees are a little noisy, but at least they are stewardesses. The bee was also very dissatisfied, so she asked her mother, "why should I marry a spider?" "Mother bee said," Spiders are ugly, but people are at least engaged in the Internet. "

Spiders and bees were very happy at first after they got married. The bee said: Oh, great, I can eat meat. The spider said, ah, yes, I can taste honey. Later, we always quarreled, and the bee said, if you don't go out all day, you will know how to get rid of your broken orchid!

Spider said: Go out for a walk all day, and all the cosmetics are gone!

Finally made up, but: bees always complain: you are too closed, always stay in your own network, can you get online and communicate with spiders outside? Spider sighed: well, you don't know, the company has restricted it and really can't access the external network.

8. American soldiers received a reward order from Bush: if an Iraqi soldier is caught, he will get100000 dollars! So Michelle and Yuri began to search near Baghdad. After several days of hard work, they were exhausted and fell asleep on the ground. When Michelle woke up, she found that they were surrounded by more than 500 armed Saddam Republican Guards. He quickly woke Yuri up and shouted, "Get up, we are rich!" " "

9. A farmer's daughter was too ugly to marry, so the farmer had to let her go to the corn field to be a scarecrow to scare crows. As a result, when she got there, she not only scared away the crows, but even scared three crows to send back the corn they had stolen before.

10. An international student in the United States wants to take an international driver's license. Because I was so nervous during the exam, I saw the marking on the ground turn left. He asked uneasily, Turn left? The invigilator replied: Yes. So he turned right at once. I'm sorry he can only come next time.

1 1. If someone studies English hard, he will achieve something. One day, I accidentally bumped into a foreigner in the street and said, I'm sorry. Foreigners should say, I'm sorry, too After listening, someone said, I'm sorry, three people. The foreigner was puzzled and asked, What are you sorry for? Some people have no choice but to say, I'm sorry.

12. There is a little white rabbit running happily in the forest. On the way, it met a giraffe who was rolling marijuana.

The white rabbit said to the giraffe, "Giraffe Giraffe, why did you do something that hurt yourself?" Look at how beautiful this forest is. Let's run in nature together! "The giraffe looked at the marijuana and the white rabbit, threw the marijuana behind her and ran with the white rabbit in the forest.

Later, they met an elephant who was about to take cocaine. The white rabbit said to the elephant, "Elephant, why did you do something that hurt yourself?" Look at how beautiful this forest is. Let's run in nature together! The elephant looked at the cocaine and the white rabbit, threw the cocaine behind him and ran in the forest with the white rabbit and giraffe.

Later, they met a lion who was about to fight. The white rabbit said to the lion, "Lion, lion, why did you do something that hurt yourself?" Look at how beautiful this forest is. Let's run in nature together! "The lion looked at the syringe and the white rabbit, threw the syringe behind him and rushed to hit the white rabbit. The elephant and giraffe trembled with fear: "why did you hit the white rabbit?" "It is so kind. It cares about our health and makes us close to nature." The lion said angrily, "This bastard rabbit drags me around the forest like an idiot every time he eats ecstasy."

13. The little white rabbit and the blind bear were walking in the forest and accidentally kicked over a jar. An elf came out of the pot and said that he could satisfy their three wishes. The blind bear said, turn it into the strongest bear in the world. Its wish has come true. The little white rabbit said, give it a small helmet. Its wish has also come true. The blind bear said, turn it into the most beautiful bear in the world. Its wish has come true again. The little white rabbit said, give it a bike. Its wish has come true again. The blind bear said, turn all other bears in the world into bitches! The little white rabbit got on the bike and said as he ran, turning the bear into a homosexual.

14. In Chinese class, the teacher asked a sleepy classmate to answer the questions. The classmate was in a daze and couldn't say anything. The teacher said helplessly, "Will you?" I won't scream either! Classmate: "Cheep." "The teacher is sweating.

15. A boss finished drinking, whistled and drove his beloved Mercedes-Benz 600 onto the expressway, very happy. At this time, he found an agricultural tractor parked by the roadside and another person waving. So he stopped the car. It turned out that the tractor broke down on the road and I wanted to find someone to help tow it away. The boss was very happy today and agreed. At the same time, two people agreed that if the tractor turns on the right turn signal, please continue driving. If the tractor turns left, please stop. Then, the boss drove the Mercedes-Benz 600 and tractor on the road. Suddenly, a BMW overtook them from behind at breakneck speed. When the boss saw it, he was very angry and shouted, "No one dares to surpass me in Mercedes-Benz 600!" So, he immediately hung up the high-end, stepped on the gas pedal and ran to let BMW catch up. I forgot to drag a tractor behind me because I drank wine. The boss soon caught up with BMW. Just as they were racing at a speed of 280 miles per hour, a traffic policeman on the roadside found it was too late to stop them. He quickly took out his walkie-talkie and contacted the policeman in the next section: "Hey, hey, I found two cars speeding, one is BMW and the other is Mercedes-Benz 600."

16. Is your talking parrot still alive? Oh, forget it. I didn't expect to die after raising it for a week. Did you die of illness? No, it competed with my wife until she died of exhaustion.

17. A farmer went to a car sales center and saw that he took out 2000 yuan and slapped it on the table: "Give me a Santana." The salesman was surprised: "You don't have enough money." The farmer wondered, "Isn't Santana 2000 written outside?" Shop assistant: "Oh, then go out and turn right. That company's Mercedes is only 600 ~ ~! " "

18. A team member added a child, and all teammates were invited to attend the baptism and came to the church. Suddenly the child slipped from the mother's hand, and the goalkeeper decisively saved it and caught the child a few centimeters off the ground. Everyone applauded and cheered, and the goalkeeper used to clap twice, and then skillfully kicked it out.

19. The mother said to her daughter, "Today, you practice cooking and cook two dishes. I'll teach you. Yellow croaker, you have to burn the straw in your head. Cut the bamboo shoots quickly and turn every time you cut them. " The daughter agreed to go. After a pause, my mother went to the kitchen and took a look. She was startled. I saw my daughter's head tied with straw. Just spin around on the ground, turn around and cut bamboo shoots. As soon as she saw her mother, she shouted, "Great! Dizzy! "

20. There is a BMW parked on the roadside, which is illegal parking. The police came, posted a note and copied the list. The buddy came out of the mall and said, "aren't you a policeman?" What are you? Isn't it just a note to copy a list! " The policeman looked at him, said nothing, and continued to copy the list. Real cows, not stickers, just have a trailer towed away! "The policeman looked at him and didn't speak." What a cow! What can you do except stick a note to scare us? Bull B, you drag it away! "The police copied the list and called a trailer. Here comes the trailer. The policeman looked at the buddy. Hey, you are really great! You're great! Drag it away! I dare you two! " The policeman waved and dragged it away. The police looked at him and tried to persuade him not to challenge him like this in the future. The buddy rolled his eyes: "You are awesome. When the owner comes, tell him that you towed his car!"! " "

2 1. When I was in college, I slept in English in every bunk. After a while, nothing happened. The lower berth went on to say, "Say it again". About five minutes later, the upper berth began to speak in English again.