Where is the joke encyclopedia? It should be hilarious enough.

1, q: Who lives in darkness all his life?

A: Tinker Bell.

Q: Why?

Because he can't see his fingers.

2. Q: Where do mobile phone users like to go most?

A: Tonghua, Jilin

Q: Why?

A: "Sorry, the subscriber you dialed is busy."

3. Q: Where do users like to turn off their phones?

Attendant: Ningbo

Q: Why?

Sorry, the subscriber you dialed is power off. . .

4. The old leader lamented:

How happy you are,

Missing is everywhere,

I was on a business trip then. Not only did I not miss,

When I came back, the family of seven people crowded together.

Want to make out?

Sprinkle some sugar outside the door,

Shout again:

"Children, let me hold your mother and grab candy! ! ! "

One day, the steamed stuffed bun was walking alone on the road, and suddenly he felt hungry and ate himself in one bite. . . .

6. Patient: Doctor ~ Come and see me! I have amnesia!

Doctor: When did you discover that you had this disease?

Patient: What disease ...?

7. Q: How many letters are left after removing E and T from 26 letters?

A: Twenty-four.

Q: Wrong! ! !

A: Why?

Q: 2 1, because ET was taken away by UFO.

8. Q: A medium-rare steak and a medium-rare steak met without saying hello. Why?

A: Because they are all unfamiliar.

9. Q: Before attending the Beijing Olympic Games, who did Phelps of China admire most?

A: Ba Jin

10, Grandpa said to his grandson: Do you know that the fourteen books written by Jin Yong can be connected into couplets? Flying snow shoots at the White Deer Plain, laughing at the man of God leaning on Bi Yuan 'an!

Sun Tzu said disdainfully, do you know that seven books written by JK Rowling can be connected into one sentence? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...

1 1. Q: Who has the flattest chest in fairy tales?

Little red riding hood ...

Because her grandmother was eaten by a wolf. ...

12, q: why can't you tell cold jokes at the seaside?

Answer: It should make the sea laugh (whistle).

13, Chinese class, the teacher wrote "soft" on the blackboard, and then let everyone spell. The boy shouted: the end of the day-soft. The teacher said: boys' pronunciation is not standard, please ask girls to supplement it. The girl shouted: the end of the day-I am soft. The monitor corrected: I was a soft egg for five nights. The teacher was impatient and corrected severely: the correct spelling should be day five nights.

Go to the snack street one day

Find a store that sells egg towers

Every one looks delicious. I want to buy one to try.

I asked the clerk: Is this sold separately?

Shop assistant: No, it's Japanese.

2. One day, a family caught fire.

Mom and dad both fled, leaving only one son inside.

Mother was very nervous and shouted outside:

"Son ... what are you doing ... it's on fire ..."

The son replied, "I'm wearing socks ..."

Mom said again, "What socks to wear in case of fire ..."

After five minutes, my son hasn't come out yet. ......

Mother shouted nervously again, "Son, what the hell are you doing?" Come out ~ fire, stay inside ... "

The son said, "I'm taking off my socks."

Hey, how did you learn to smoke?

I will, when I steal the forbidden fruit from Adam and Eve ~

Do you know why Adam and Eve stole the forbidden fruit?

AB: I don't know!

Because Adam has no cigarettes! (hint: homophonic words)

4. Warmly celebrate the year-end rebate promotion of our canteen!

I only got the participation prize-fifty cents, but I found it in the dish!

5. Second-hand college advanced mathematics textbooks for sale, 90% new, with transcripts as proof!

6. A woman went to apply for a job, and the boss asked, "How many children do you have? 」

She replied, "Five. 」

The boss asked, "What are their names? 」

She replied, "Xiao Ming, Xiao Ming, Xiao Ming, Xiao Ming, Xiao Ming. 」

The boss asked, "They are all called Xiao Ming, so what do you want them to eat you?" 」

She said, "That's easy. As long as I call Xiao Ming, they will all come. 」

The boss asked again, "but what if you just call a child?" 」

She said, "That's easier. I just need to call him by his last name. 」

7. Traveling with my girlfriend, the phone rang in the hotel room at night, and a delicate female voice asked, "What can I do for you?" "Get out, don't need it!" Just hang up the phone, the phone rings again, or ask if you want service, and then scold! Soon, the phone rang again. This time, my girlfriend was annoyed and picked up the phone and said, "Don't bother me anymore, I got here before you!" " "This move is really smart. There was no harassing phone call all night ... when it was almost dawn, the phone woke us up again. My girlfriend was very angry and picked up the phone and shouted, "Stop fighting, aunt, I've been with you all night!" ! "

Who knows that in a short time, the door was knocked down, and two policemen stood at the door, holding documents in their hands, and said to me with dignity: "Go ahead! Where is the lady who came last night! ! ! "

8.w: Tomorrow is my birthday. What gift will you give me?

M: Same as last year.

W: What did you give me last year?

M: The same as the year before last.

W: When was the year before last?

Man: I didn't know you the year before last, so I didn't send anything.

9. There is a Grenade.

One day it was finished.

Clean its teeth.

Suddenly I found a thorn between my teeth.

It's hard to pull out.

..... it exploded. ....

10, M: Marry me! I love you! I can't live without you!

Woman: No, my mother will be unhappy. She said you were so worthless.

Man: Oh, if you don't promise, I will die in front of you! With that, he picked up a pistol.

W: Just a moment, please. I'll ask my mother.

Man: Hey, hey, I knew it would work.

Woman: My mother said that I was an adult and could watch such a bloody scene.

Man: ...

1 1 .5 yuan was kidnapped by a criminal gang. Call the hundred-dollar bill:

"ah! Your son is here. If you don't want us to kill the ticket, you can exchange yourself for him! "

One hundred dollar bills thought for a moment and said:

"Tear it, tear you up and you don't even have five dollars!"

12, the tortoise and the rabbit race ... the rabbit quickly ran to the front. ......

The tortoise saw a snail crawling slowly ... and said to him, come up, I'll carry you. ......

Then ..... the snail climbed up. ......

Soon ... the tortoise saw another ant ... and said to him, come up, too. ......

So the ants came up.

When the ant appeared ... he saw the snail on it ... and said to him, hello.

Do you know what the snail said?

Snail said: hurry up, this turtle is so fast. .......

A can of wine was buried underground 1000 years. What did he become? Alcohol.

There is a pig. He walked and walked until he came to England. What has he become? -Pigs.

In class, the teacher recited the text at will. Piggy, puppy and kitten all raised their hands. Who will the teacher call? -little dog, because want want is humble.

Butterflies, ants, spiders, centipedes, they worked together, which one didn't get paid in the end? -Centipede, because you won't take it for nothing.

The elephant's nose is the longest in the zoo. Who is the second longest? Elephant.

What kind of fruit has the worst eyesight? Mango.

Which two vegetables have cell phones? -radish and green vegetables, each has his own love.

A turtle walked through a pile of shit, but left only three footprints on it. Why? -There's a foot on your nose.

Why do people go to bed to sleep? -The bed won't come by itself.

It turned out to be the Spartan 800 warriors. Why did it become 300 in the movie? -Wu Bai went to sing.

Why can Xiao Qiang stop the car with one hand? -Take a taxi.

If there is a car, the driver is a prince and the passenger is a princess, whose car is it? -If

Jin Mu is a land of fire and water, whose legs are long? Ham sausage

A Mu and Xiaoyu had a big fight today. Xiaoyu said with a runny nose and tears, "If I had known, I would have listened to my mother and never married you!" "

A Mu paused and asked slowly, "You mean ... your mother stopped you from marrying me?"

Xiaoyu nodded his head.

A Mu thumped on the table and said, "Hey! I really blamed her for these years! "

2. Woman: "You have good conditions in all aspects. Why didn't you have a girlfriend before? "

Man: "Because my eyes are too high."

Woman: "Now I am honored to be your wife."

Man: "No, but now I lower my eyes."

Jellyfish A: "What the hell! You can't swim with your eyes! 」

Jellyfish B: "What are eyes? 」

Jellyfish A: "I don't know. He called me the last time I bumped into someone. 」

Jellyfish B: "Oh! That's right! 」

Patient: "Doctor, I have a bad cough. 」

Doctor: "How old are you? 」

Patient: "75 years old. 」

Doctor: "Do you cough at the age of twenty? 」

Patient: "No cough. 」

Doctor: "Do you cough at the age of forty? 」

Patient: "No cough either. 」

Doctor: "So, you don't cough now. When will you cough?" ? 」

One day, Xiaodong saw Xiaohong with a worried face and asked what was wrong. Xiaohong said, it's no use …

The teacher asked Joo Won?, "bees add life to the garden. What does this mean?"

Joo Won? replied: "Bees steal flowers, and flowers get angry!"

Everyone burst into laughter. Joo Won? retorted, "How can flowers bloom if they are not angry?"

19. Do you know what color Spider-Man is?

Red, wrong!

It is white.

Look at Spider-Man's English: Spider-Man (a white man)

Hello kitty!

Your wish has come true. ...

One day, that man was idle and bored …

I want to say die. ...

There are nine lives anyway

Lying on the tracks ...

As a result, a train passed by. ...

That man is still dead ...

Why is this?

Because that train has 10 cars …

65. Xiaoxue asked her father, "Dad, do you have a KB book?" 」

"Yes, of course. 」

Dad said, "I read a book about your father for more than 20 years, and I still think it's KB. 」

"ah? Really? What book will be read for more than 20 years and still feel KB? 」

"Marriage certificate. 」

66. A lady met a red light while driving.

The traffic police on the side watched her as the red light turned green and the green light turned red …

Still parked in the middle of the road, not moving.

So the traffic police went over and asked the young lady, "What's the matter, don't you have a favorite color?" 」

67. Have you been dating her for several years?

There seem to be fewer phones recently.

I feel weak.

Ask her why

She just lowered her head and said nothing. ...

I don't know what to do.

After all ... feelings can't be forced.

Listen to your friends.

She has been close to a man recently.

I can't believe it.

I don't want to believe it either.

Because ... I really like her. ...

But ... that day in the street.

I can't believe I saw her with another him.

Hand in hand

Very intimate joke.

instant

My heart ... is broken. ...

After my inquiry

Only then did I know that he … turned out to be a medical student.

There is also a big hospital at home.

I am a third-rate college student, so I can't compare with it. .....

I have been unable to sleep these days.

Do you still want to save our feelings? .....

I thought about it for a long time.

Decided to send her an apple every day.

because

I believe

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away."

68. Two foreigners went shopping in Carrefour. When checking out, the clerk asked, "Can you speak Chinese? 」

Two foreigners replied in Mandarin: "Speak slowly, we can understand!" ! 」

The clerk said, "Can you … speak … Chinese? 」

69. One night. ...

Xiaoming couldn't sleep, so he decided to go out for a walk …

He just walked on the highway near his home …

Unfortunately, I was caught in a police raid. ...

Xiao Ming was called for questioning.

The policeman asked Xiao Ming why he got on the highway, and gave him a ticket after asking.

It says

1. Not wearing a seat belt

2. Driving without a license

3. The speed is less than 60 miles per hour

70. Beautiful MM must be seen ~ ~ ~

Coffee diet:

Materials:

One hundred grams of coffee beans (raw)

500 ml of water ...

Exercise:

1, drink 500cc of water.

Step 2 put coffee beans ...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Sprinkle it on the ground and pick it up one by one.

Repeat it three times a day for a month …

7 1. Life is like shit, once washed away, it will never come back.

Life is like shit, it always looks like that, but it's different every time.

Life is like shit, sometimes it's cool, and sometimes it's tangled with five senses!

Life is like shit, you never know what you will pull out. ..

Life is like shit. If you want results, you must plant them first.

Life is like shit, you often work hard for a long time, but only a few farts come out. ..

Life is like shit, even if it is beautifully decorated, the essence is still the same. ..

Life is like shit, only you have to face it silently and bravely.

So, as people often say—

"You go to eat shit! 」

In fact, his original intention is "you should seriously integrate into your own life." 』

72. A guy went to the hospital for a check-up and did a lot of tests.

The doctor said: There is good news and bad news! After reading your test results, I found that you have a potential homosexual tendency! ! And it's hard to cure!

This guy said, oh, my god! What's the good news?

The doctor said shyly, I found you very cute ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

73. One day, the physics teacher of a class in a girls' middle school called in sick.

Forty female students are expecting who will take this course.

In physics class, he is actually a handsome male teacher.

A female classmate teased and said, Teacher, can we play some exciting games instead of class?

The male teacher was silent for a moment and said:

Ok ~ ~

Dear students, put away your textbooks and take the exam now!

One day, Sister Cockroach came back crying. ..

Papa cockroach asked, "What happened to my daughter? 」

Sister cockroach said, "Dad! Why do people call me a pest! Meowed ... "

Brother Cockroach came back at this moment, and he said happily:

"dad! For the first time in my life, someone greeted me warmly ~ "

Father cockroach asked, "Really? What did they say? 」

Cockroach: I just went out. When they saw me, they said:

"ah! ~ ~ ~ ~ worm ~ "

75. Tang Priest: You should find a shortcut to learn from the scriptures this time!

Wukong: Flying is faster than riding! !

Bajie: Shenzhou VI is faster! ! !

Friar Sand pulled out his gun and said, I heard this thing will be sent to the west soon. ...

76. A hunter went hunting with his hounds and wandered around the forest all day without any prey.

It was dark, but he continued riding in the Woods.

The horse suddenly said,' You won't even let me rest. You want to kill me! ? '

The hunter got a fright, immediately got off his horse and ran away with the hounds.

When I ran under the big tree to catch my breath,

The dog patted him on the chest and said to him:

Scared me to death, horses can talk! '

So the hunter was scared to death on the spot. ..............

77. A candy, walking in the North Pole, feels so cold-so it becomes rock sugar! ! !

78. A cabbage, undressing while walking, finally disappeared. .....

79. A bear comes prepared.

The eleventh book is incredible (book 1 1)

The sheep stopped breathing and stood high (the sheep didn't breathe)

80. A black cat saved a white cat from the river. Do you know what the white cat said to the black cat later?

It says: aim ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

8 1. Who will be eliminated, wolf, tiger or lion? wolf

Because: Momotaro (exterminating wolves)

82. How to make drinks bigger?

Read the great compassion mantra

83. A thief steals from someone else's house. When he entered the room, he saw that there was no one in the room, but he was poor and left 200 yuan. ...

84. A condom feels itchy, so it scratches ... Guess what?

This is fatal. ..................

85. Rogue+Rogue =?

= rogue rabbit (2)-Xiaobai+Xiaobai = = Little white rabbit.

86. I bought a TV set made by China Unicom, and I kept choosing channels, but there was no signal. At this moment, the TV spoke: The TV you dialed is not in service area, please redial later …

87. One day, I fell down with a match and broke my head. I went to the hospital to dress it. It turned into a cotton swab! ! !

88. The Leaning Tower of Pisa is about to fall down. Go and help the tower alone. Who is he?

John (because of john travolta)

89. Once upon a time, there was a man who liked to make clay sculptures. One day, he grabbed a quick clay sculpture on a whim and pinched it. As a result, he pinched a clay figurine, which was naked and ugly. He thought and thought. Suddenly, he had a good idea to make the clay figurine's hair and beard with grass. He was so satisfied with his work that he named it "Uncle Cao Ni". .......................

90. One of my classmates from Xiamen University was once caught by the enemy when he went out! The enemy tied him to a telephone pole and said, "When we ask a person which school he is from, he calls him a TV university student, and then we electrocute him-you don't say anything, so do you!" My classmate said that I am from Xiamen University.

9 1. What will sharks become when they eat mung beans?

Mung bean paste

92. Dear, who is more beautiful than Lin Chi-ling and me?

of course it is you ......................

Haha, honey, I love you! By the way, why do you think I'm beautiful?

Recently a little tired ..............

93. A child cried, and his father said, "Be good, don't cry. Later, Dad will take you to the vegetable market to watch others eat sugar ............................. "

94. The first university reunion was held in the zoo.

Everyone * * * the reason is:

Only here can I feel that I am still alone ~ ~ ~ ~

95. The whole family is lazy.

My father asked my mother to do housework, and my mother asked my elder sister to do it if she didn't want to.

Big sister doesn't want to do it, so let her do it.

But my sister didn't want to do it either, so she let the dog do it.

One day, a guest came home and was surprised to find that the dog was doing housework.

Ask the dog: Can you do housework?

The dog said, if they don't do it, I will!

The guest is even more surprised: can you talk?

Puppy: Shh! Keep your voice down Otherwise, they know I can talk and let me answer the phone!

96. "I finally got my wife's heart back from my pet dog! 」

"Really? ! Isn't your wife a dog lover How did you do that? 」

"In fact, it is very simple. I just gave my wife's carefully cooked food to the dog. The dog didn't want to eat it, but I ate it with relish! 」

97. A university has been worried about stray dogs on campus.

Stray dogs sometimes bark at people unintentionally.

Some dogs will run to the classroom during class and then lie down in front of the podium …

One day, the bell rang and the students came into the classroom one after another.

At this moment, I saw a stray dog wagging its tail and swaggering into the classroom. Seeing that the professor didn't look up, I squatted in front of the platform.

At this time, the professor could not help but loudly denounced:

"quick! Somebody get rid of this dog, it's already in this class! ..」

98. The stewardess walked up to the man who protested loudly.

The man shouted: "I want to protest to this airline!" "

I sit in the same seat every time I fly. No movies, not even curtains! I can't sleep! 」

The stewardess said, "Forget it ~ Captain, stop it! 」

99. The girl questioned her boyfriend ...

Woman: "I called you that day. Why did a girl answer the phone?" ! ? 」

Man: "Wrong! How is that possible? 」

Woman: "Really ~ She also told me" The number you dialed doesn't respond, please leave a message after the beep! "Go ahead! Who the hell is she! ? 」

100. One day, Xiao Ming went to the cashier to sing and ordered a dream soup made by Hong Ming.

After waiting for a long time, he didn't come out, so Xiaoming rang the service bell.

As soon as the new waiter came in, he said politely, "What can I do for you, sir?"

Xiao Ming: "Why hasn't the Meng Po soup I ordered come yet?"

Waiter: "OK, sir, I'll help you hurry the kitchen!" " "