20 10 best short joke

Help if you have difficulties, and help if you don't create difficulties. ?

What's your name? Stop it! Saying it is a curse! ?

As we all know, Liu Guan and Zhang Taoyuan became sworn brothers three times, and the brothers and sisters knocked their heads on the ground like brothers, and then protected the Tang Priest and went to the Western Heaven to learn Buddhist scriptures. There is this story in A Dream of Red Mansions.

Everyone knows the Water Margin, right? It is a classic literature adapted from TV series.

A teacher gave an example when explaining the word "miracle": a man jumped from the eighth floor and escaped unscathed. He wants students to say "miracle".

But a classmate replied: lucky.

The teacher was disappointed and said that the man climbed to the eighth floor and jumped down, but he was still not injured.

Another student replied: by chance.

The teacher was very angry and had to say, that man climbed the eighth floor again and jumped down again.

Before the teacher finished speaking, a classmate replied: He is used to it.

A man bought a parrot and wanted to teach it to learn civilized language, so he would say "good morning" when he passed it every morning.

Said he was in a bad mood this morning and didn't say anything when he passed by. The bird stared at him coldly and said:

"Hey, what's wrong with you today?"

Xiao X especially likes parrots. One day he went to the bird walking market and found a parrot with a price of 30,000 yuan.

Curious, he asked the buyer: Why is your parrot so expensive?

Buyer: My parrot is very clever! I'll say anything.

Little X bought it as soon as he heard that he was so clever.

He was very happy when he came home at night. Just play with this parrot.

X: I can walk.

Parrot: I can walk.

X: I can run.

Parrot: I can run.

X: I can fly.

Parrot: You are bragging!

The American mountaineer said to his companion, "It took almost a lifetime to plant the national flag on Mount Everest, but it was worth it. Give me the national flag by courier. "

The companion was dumbfounded and said, "Well, I thought you had it ..."

An energetic old woman went to take a bus. On the bus, a polite boy scout got up to make way for the old woman. The old woman said, "Sit tight, I'm still young, and I don't need your seat!" " "

After a while, the boy scout stood up again. The old lady patted him on the shoulder and said, "Never mind. You don't have to give me your seat. I am not that old. I am still young! " "

In this way, twice, three times, four times, the boy scout cried! "Old woman, my home has passed several stops, why don't you let me go home! ! ! "

A girl who thought she was gorgeous had a car accident, lying in the hospital and sighing in front of the mirror, "Beauty is unlucky since ancient times."

Clinical response: "Don't worry, you will live a long life."

Timid Ayue visited the German castle with the delegation. The castle is full of evil wind. Ah Yue asked the deacon of the castle standing by in fear, "Are you haunted here?"

"Nonsense!" The deacon was furious: "I have served here for 300 years and have never seen a ghost!" " "

A cake seller passed through a small forest and suddenly met a big man.

The big fellow asked, "Sir, is there a policeman nearby?"

The stall owner said, "No."

Can we find the police in a short time? "The vendor still said" no ".

Then the big man took out a watermelon knife and said, "Put your hands on your head and grab it!" "

Before the execution, the warden asked the condemned man sitting in the electric chair, "Do you have any other requirements?"

Death row: "I just hope you can hold my hand during the execution and make my heart feel better."

After washing your hair in the morning, put your mobile phone on the shelf next to you. After washing, I looked up and found that the phone was a little foamed, so I naturally took it under the tap and washed it for 20 seconds. After washing, I was very clean and satisfied. I wiped the surface of my mobile phone with a towel. Looking at the brand-new mobile phone, I feel really beautiful today. Two minutes later, I was stupid. I turned off the phone, opened the back cover, removed the battery and watched the water dripping from the inside of the phone. ...

On Teacher's Day, I gave my math teacher a smiling tiger cigar and put firecrackers in the tobacco leaves, which startled the teacher.

In the second year, cigars were sent, and the teacher cut them with scissors instead of firecrackers; The teacher is very heartbroken. I gave the teacher another cigar. It exploded again. . .

When the mayor came to the school to inspect the meeting, he secretly put laxatives in the principal's water to keep the principal in the toilet, and I also took toilet paper.

In the first aid class at the university, the professor said and demonstrated:

Professor: Put your hands on your chest. Don't press too hard. Just press 2~3cm. Too much force will easily break the patient's ribs!

Professor: Let's look at the demonstration (press your hand hard). Click! The model's ribs are broken.

Sorry to say, class is over ~

A farmer boasted that his manor was very big. He said, "If I drive around my manor, it will take a week."

A listener said sympathetically, "Oh, yes, I once had such a broken car. It was really irritating."

A magician worked on a small cruise ship for a year or two.

In the past two years, he has the same program every night, and the audience likes him.

But because the audience often changes, there is no need for him to rush to learn new tricks.

However, a few years later, after long-term observation, the parrot sitting in the back row finally saw the flaw of the magician's trick and began to expose the magician's trick in public.

For example, if a magician makes a bunch of flowers disappear, the parrot will shout "behind him!" Behind him! "

This made the magician fly into a rage, but he was helpless. The parrot belongs to the captain. He can't touch it.

One day, the ship leaked and sank.

The magician managed to swim to a board floating on the water and caught it.

The parrot stood at the other end of the board.

The two of them stared at each other all the way without saying a word. So I drifted on the water for three days.

The fourth morning, the parrot finally looked at the magician and said, "forget it, I surrender." Where did you turn the boat? "

The owner of the pet shop bought a new parrot and hung it in front of the store to attract customers.

Bertha passes by this pet shop every day when she goes to work. One day, when Bertha passed by the shop, the parrot suddenly called, "Miss, please wait a moment!" "

what can I do for you? Portia asked curiously.

You are so ugly! Ha ha ha, the parrot is very happy.

You rude bird! Bertha was very angry, but looking back, she thought, "Forget it, don't care about a bird. '

The next day, when Bertha passed the shop, the parrot greeted her again: "Miss, please wait a moment!" " "What happened this time?" Bertha glared at the parrot.

You are so ugly! Ha ha ha-'The parrot was shaking with laughter.

Bertha was very angry, but she tried to comfort herself: "Bertha, don't be angry." You don't have to be so angry with a bird.

But after being teased by the parrot several times in a row, Bertha finally couldn't stand it. She ran to the pet store and shouted angrily to the shopkeeper, "If you don't get rid of this uneducated broken bird, you will go to court!" "

Hearing this, the shopkeeper was embarrassed:' Miss, please don't take it too personally. This bird has just been bought from a casino, so its language is a bit vulgar. I have been training it these days, and I promise you that it will never speak ill of you again tomorrow. "

After that, the shopkeeper turned to the parrot and shouted,' If you dare to speak ill of this lady again tomorrow, I will fry you and eat you! Did you hear me clearly? Fried and eaten!'

Hearing this, the parrot's arrogant head suddenly fell down. When she saw this scene, Portia calmed down.

The next day, Portia felt particularly relaxed at the thought of never hearing the mocking of the broken bird again.

When passing by the store, the parrot still greeted Portia: "Miss, please wait a moment!"

Bertha was very surprised:' Be careful to be fried and eaten. "Oh, what are you trying to say?"

"I think you know, ha ha ha-"The parrot smiled.

-When I was on the bus yesterday,

The bus driver kept staring at me,

As if I didn't buy a ticket.

-What would you do?

It's simple,

I kept staring at him, too,

Like I bought a ticket.

There was a Japanese slave who started a company in China and became a boss. When he became rich, he ostentatiously told China employees in stuttering Chinese that he wanted to rent the most expensive house in the city. China employees thought they had to punish him. So he spent a lot of money to rent a cheap house next to the crematorium. The slave was afraid of forgetting the address and asked the staff to write it down. The employee wrote on the note: "Next to the crematorium, a villa area." One day, Japanese slaves got lost in a dark place. He took out the note and stammered to ask passers-by. Passers-by recognized him as a Japanese slave and read the note again. So passers-by said, "stand in the middle of the road for a while, and naturally someone will take you."

Exercise your muscles to prevent being beaten! A priest came to the prisoner who was about to be executed and said to him, I want to tell you a word from God. There is no need, cried the prisoner. I'll meet his father in person later.

A gentleman, a genius, woke up in the middle of the night one day (summer) and suddenly found an extra hand on the bed (he was the only one in the dormitory), and he was scared into a cold sweat, but he was really a man. Without saying anything, he picked up the hand and hit the wall, muttering "Let you scare Lao Tzu" and played all night.

When he woke up the next day, he was very sad to find that his hand was swollen. It turns out that the extra hand is his own. He put his hand under his body and felt numb. He got up in the middle of the night and felt it. He thinks there is another helper. . .

A year ago, freshman had a course called appreciation of ancient literature. One day I looked down at a poem on the table.

Yue:

Why do you need a long sleep in your life?

Will sleep after death.

Open your drunken eyes

Look at that poor professor.

So I felt guilty and looked up at the professor who gave a passionate speech.

He asked emotionally, "What is hibiscus?" ! ! ! ! ! "

Everyone at the bottom looked up and replied with one voice, "Sister ..."

"Yes, hibiscus is a kind of flower ..."

After graduating from high school, I went to the highway intersection as a toll collector. One day, a Japanese man came to his window and asked for directions. Japanese fluent English made him unable to understand a word, but a strong sense of patriotism told him not to lose face in front of the Japanese, so he just smiled and nodded, "Yes, yes, yes ~!" "Then the Japanese rode his bike on the highway!

1 Notre Dame de Paris is short of a bell ringer, and that's yours.

2. How far your thoughts are, how far you roll; You can roll as fast as the speed of light

3. When you go out, there are no birds in hundreds of mountains and no footprints in thousands of paths.

4. Which school did you graduate from? Your annoying degree has been completed as a postdoctoral fellow! !

I want to bite you, but unfortunately I am a Muslim.

8. When you were born, were you vomited three times and only caught twice?

Your teeth are like stars in the sky, brightly colored and far apart.

10 I really want to put my size 37 shoes on your size 42 face at once.

1 1, you are Korean, and your whole family is Korean!

12 You just bought PetroChina. Your whole family bought PetroChina and Sinopec.

Teacher: "Now in the first aid class, someone is injured. What should I do first? " ? Xiao Xin: I know. Ask him if he wants organ donation. 」

A thief sneaked into a mansion and rummaged through it. When he was ready to leave, the master came back. The thief hurriedly grabbed a sack beside him and put it on his body. He crouched in the corner of the living room, afraid to get out of the atmosphere. The host entered the room drunk, saw something in the corner of the living room and went over. He repeatedly touched his pocket and kept muttering, "What is this? Huh? " The thief was very uncomfortable and impatient, shouting, "Pumpkin! Idiot! " After hearing this, the host couldn't help complaining: "Why didn't you say so earlier? Let Laozi guess for a long time! "

Health tips: after a full meal, first, quit smoking, second, take a bath, third, get angry, loosen your belt under temptation, and fifth, brush your teeth.

Six abstinence from going to the toilet and seven abstinence from drinking, you know?

Stop the ball:

The defender who stopped the ball at the foot 10 mm was a Brazilian player.

The defender who stopped the ball at the foot 10 cm was a Spanish player.

The defender who stops the ball at 10 decimeter is a German player.

The defender who stops the ball at 10 meter is a China player.

dribble

The player who can take the ball from his baseline to the other half is a Dutch player.

The player who can take the ball from his own baseline to the other's baseline is a Brazilian player.

It is China players who can steal their players' feet and bring them into their own goals.

pass the ball

The players who can accurately make a long pass 50 meters away and find teammates on the court are British players.

The player who can hit a delicate 2 1 within 5 meters is an Argentine player.

A player who can pass the ball within 5 meters and the defender and striker kick one after another every 50 meters is a China player.

People don't attack me, I don't attack; If people offend me, comity three points; If people force me again, I'll give you an injection; People still attack me and kill the grass.

Just now, I went to the office to answer questions. I saw the professor correcting papers while listening to Buddhist music. He asked why, and said angrily, it's easier to be lenient when listening to Buddhist music, otherwise these little bastards will fail! ! -.-!

Tang Priest: Donor, I am from the Eastern Tang Dynasty. Please stay here for one night ... huh? Donors? Donor, would you please open the door? Fuck!

Tang Priest: Wukong bastard! Don't do this! Those benefactors are not monsters. How can you persist in teaching and kill people at will? ! ..... oh? Are they businessmen who buy land in Gai Lou? Amitabha ... Wujing, help me hold the five Buddha crowns for my teacher; Wukong, lend the golden hoop to the teacher! No, Bajie, give me your rake! blackguard ...

4. Tang Priest: Bajie, Wukong is not here. Go and make some vegetarian food. Jason Wu, you drink the horses first. ..... Bajie, Bajie, come here. Remember! Just go to the house we passed just now, yes, the one where the village woman took care of the children. After smelling the fragrance, I am making sauce elbow, which is very fragrant! Go ahead, just a mother and son, give or rob! Go back!

5. Tang Priest: Wukong, Bajie and Wukong, come to the teacher. Alas ..... I don't blame your teacher, but have you forgotten all my teaching? You and I are both Buddhists, so we should avoid many commandments. You should always remember that you don't steal, talk nonsense, hate your mouth, be greedy, jealous or stupid! Since you believe in Buddhism wholeheartedly, how can you practice without practice? Ok, I'll ask your teacher, who the fuck is it! Last night, when I was sleeping for my teacher, I sneaked in and stole my food? !

You Po Hou, you are so disrespectful. Why do you look sexy in front of spider elves in a leopard apron? Why steal the limelight for the teacher? Shut up! I don't care if you are leopard print or tiger skin! Do you still know who you are? You were released. What are you pretending to be in front of me? Look, you dyed your yellow hair and held a steel pipe. Are you pretending to be a gangster? I fucking ... Hehe, Ami camel Buddha, kind and kind, a little rude as a teacher.

Wukong, let Bajie go into the water to catch carp essence. You are not good at swimming. If you drown, how can you afford this salvage fee for your teacher? Oh, no, no, it doesn't matter to Bajie. He will float on his own.

Tang Priest: Amitabha Buddha, poor monk Sanzang, visiting Guanyin Bodhisattva. I was shocked to hear that Bodhisattva Gui is the director appointed by the Buddha and is choosing a candidate for the role of Buddhist scriptures. The poor monk came to audition.

Tang Priest: Hehe, the market here is really lively. I haven't been through such a prosperous area for a long time. Hey, Wukong, look, those little dolls in the western regions who have been following us since just now, with curly hair and big eyes, are so cute! It's really simple and cute, hahaha ... huh? Bajie, where is your rake? Hey, Jason Wu, where are our luggage? Ah! Where is my white? !

Tang Priest: Wukong, are you all right? Wake up! Don't run, Bajie has no experience! Come back and save it for the teacher! Ah ... Stop it, stop it! ..... I really went to the Western Heaven to learn the Buddhist scriptures ... I just came to the yamen for customs clearance! Right, right! Those are customs clearance letters, not secret reports ... those are my apprentices! We really didn't come to petition collectively ... Ah!

Tang Priest: Amitabha, Wukong, stop blaming the teacher. Monks are merciful. Because the teacher only saw that the benefactor was in pain, Jason Wu helped him get on the horse. How did the teacher know that he was the bait of the yamen fishing-fishing-holding method here? Ok, make an invisible way to get Zijin alms bowl and cassock from yamen.

Friar Sand: Big Brother! If you don't go there, who will protect the master from learning from the West? Take it easy! I know you have a lot of connections. At the beginning, hundreds of heavenly soldiers and heavenly generals could not hold you, but those in front were not ordinary monsters, those were the urban management here!

Tang Priest: Wukong, look at you, not drinking horses, but taking selfies with your mobile phone. As the teacher said, you have a big face, a wide mouth and a bushy beard, and no matter how pouting you are, you can't be Kawaii. Come on, take some pictures for me and teach you some scissors hands for the teacher.

Wukong! Don't be rude Oh, old man, I'm a native of Datang Dongtu, and I passed by here today. I don't know if the old man can open the door conveniently ... Old man, please don't insult me again ... Old man, please don't pestle the poor monk with a cane ... Old man, please calm down ... Old man, can you touch me again? ..... Oh, my Cao? Wukong! Cut him! When Bajie realizes that you are going too, knock out your teeth and punch a hole in your leg, and it will be discounted! How kind!

A famous botany professor and his teaching assistant are studying new varieties of plants. One day, the teaching assistant asked the professor, "What should you do when you go for an internship in the field and meet an unknown plant?" The professor replied, "I usually walk in the front and then trample all the plants I don't know to death to avoid students asking questions."

A farmer's daughter was so ugly that he had to let her be a scarecrow in the corn field to scare crows. As a result, not only did she scare away the crows, but even three crows were scared to send some corn back.

It is said that when there was a meteor in the sky that day, the wish was very clever. I made a wish on a meteor that day, hoping you would be smarter. Shit! Guess what? The meteor flew back the same way! ?

Don't be crazy with me, my eldest brother Qin Shihuang! Don't pretend with me, the Central Committee of the Communist Party of China is behind me. If you don't believe me, bin Laden is my uncle. Bomb first, then poison. If you refuse to obey again, the registered policeman is my aunt. Change your account to a pig!

One day I asked you if you were a pig, and you answered no, being beaten-dishonest! The next day, I asked you if you were a pig, and your answer was, beaten-not modest! On the third day, I asked you if you were a pig, but you didn't say a word and were beaten wildly-even if you were a pig, you still dragged on! ! !

Hey! I dreamed that you were swimming in the water last night. I looked worried, so I called you to come up quickly. I didn't expect you to ignore me and look up at me: what are you yelling at? Haven't you heard that dead mice are not afraid of cold?