No kidding these days.

1, not afraid of enemies like tigers, but afraid of teammates like pigs.

2. An iron pestle can be ground into a needle, but a wooden pestle can only be ground into a toothpick. The material is wrong, and it's no use trying again.

3. The art of self-cultivation is actually the art of lying.

I don't know whether Tang Yan meat has the same effect after eating Tang Yan's excrement.

I told you not to force me. If you are pushing me, I will play dead for you.

If one day I become a hooligan, please tell others that I am innocent.

7. Don't stir the world with lewdness just because of lewdness and shock.

8. Ask yourself how much sadness you can have, just like a group of eunuchs going to a brothel …

9. If you look like a steamed stuffed bun, don't blame the dog for following …

10, don't try to be brave after dark without medical insurance and life insurance …

You can't please everyone, because not everyone is human.

12, successful women are not afraid of shame.

13. It only takes a girl once to become a virgin and succeed. A boy needs repeated training to become a virgin and a man.

14, friend, you are leaving today. Please fuck this white girl.

15, men have gold under their knees. I cut off my whole leg and didn't even find a copper coin.

16, when did the moon ask the sky for wine … the sky said, fuck you, I'm too busy to even watch the weather forecast myself …

17, I bury corn in the soil in spring, and I will harvest a lot of corn in autumn. In spring, I buried my wife underground, and in autumn, I would ... get shot.

18, God gave you a pair of wings. You should be braised …

19, are you blind? You can't see such a big shield, but you want to throw stones at my head.

Lack of social experience means lack of exercise.

2 1, when I was a child, I often made faces in the mirror; The mirror is even when you are old.

22. I am different from you because I am human.

23. People always make mistakes, otherwise the right path will be overcrowded.

24. All unforgettable love is the moment when the soul drifts in bed.

25. I prefer children to the process of making them.

26, beheading is nothing. My head fell off, but the bowl was very big. Twenty years later, I'm a zombie again …

27. Farrow said: Today is the Dragon Boat Festival. I invite you to eat the meat of Zongzi people, so please go to the mummy …

28. Sooner or later, you have to change your wife.

29. I am an unmarried young man who enjoys married treatment.

Turning girls into women is the most basic responsibility and obligation of men.

3 1, my dream: the secretary has nothing to do with something. The reality is that a secretary can't be a secretary if he has something to do.

32. Don't say that others are mentally ill. The premise of mental illness is that you must have a brain.

33. A star can be more famous if he takes off his clothes a little, but I was caught when I took off my clothes.

34. Now you must look carefully when looking for a partner, because there are too many people who are not men or women.

The mosquito was really angry after biting you, but even more angry was that it bit you but couldn't find it.

I am a thrifty person. I never shit with paper, never use chopsticks and never wash my hands.

When I saw a beautiful woman, I first felt in my pocket to see if there was any money.

If I become a star one day, I will definitely show it to you.

People are not afraid of death, and what they are most afraid of is not knowing life.

40. The story of Meng Mu's three moves actually shows that she has a good son. It's no use moving it a hundred times.

4 1, I think a fly lying on the glass has a bright future but can't find a way out.

42. Peacock tried to open the screen but showed his ass.

Who are you? How can so many people despise me?

44. Being pregnant is like being pregnant for a long time before people can see it.

If you can't dress your woman in a wedding dress, don't stop your hand to untie her clothes.

Many funny classic quotations, you can't do without laughing.

1, if I am handsome, I will pursue eternity with you.

I am willing to copy other people's happiness and not create my own sadness.

A girl like you can't get married, even if she gets married, she is still getting married.

4. Many things in the world are not right or wrong. If there are more people doing it, it will be right or wrong.

The only reason why I am fat is that my body is too small to hold all my personality.

6. Others laugh that I can't wear it, and I laugh that others wear nothing.

7. If you shout "bitch" in the street, it is definitely higher than asking a beautiful woman to turn around!

8. When I find a boyfriend, I will slap him for the first time. I have to ask, where have you been hiding all these years?

9. When I was a child, my deskmate asked me what monsters looked like. I took a mirror and told him to look inside. Two seconds later, he cried.

10, I really want to talk to you about quality, but I can't stand you even if I endure shit and urine.

1 1, aunt, hello, I'm your son's boyfriend!

12, I think there are two kinds of people in this world that attract me the most. One is a beautiful person, and the other is you.

13, if you are right, don't say shameless; You can tell him you don't need a face at all.

14, look at you like that, it's a good thing you're not a Tang priest, or you'll spoil all the goblins.

15, I drew a coffin with you and her lying inside. It's very kind of me to let you die together.

16, no matter how big the official is, no matter how much money. Dragging it in exactly the same way.

17, every time I take an exam, I really want to write "Baidu once, you will know" on the paper, which makes the marking teacher very angry.

18, Yue Lao, did you break my red rope?

19. Every time I take the elevator, I hear the sound of "ding" opening the door, just like in the microwave oven, and sometimes there are acquaintances inside.

20. To be a man, we must "stand the four tests": stand the test, stand the test, stand the question and stand the investigation.

2 1, I like your personality, but I don't like your gender!

22. Can you give me an accident to make me forget all the people and things?

23. If you are sensible, you will be invited to eat steamed buns. If you are not sensible, please eat your fist.

24. If I give you a pair of wings, you should be braised.

25, hurry up, I dare not save money.

It was funny, but I didn't laugh.

1, if I am handsome, I will pursue eternity with you.

I am willing to copy other people's happiness and not create my own sadness.

A girl like you can't get married, even if she gets married, she is still getting married.

4. Many things in the world are not right or wrong. If there are more people doing it, it will be right or wrong.

The only reason why I am fat is that my body is too small to hold all my personality.

6. Others laugh that I can't wear it, and I laugh that others wear nothing.

7. If you shout "bitch" in the street, it is definitely higher than asking a beautiful woman to turn around!

8. When I find a boyfriend, I will slap him for the first time. I have to ask, where have you been hiding all these years?

9. When I was a child, my deskmate asked me what monsters looked like. I took a mirror and told him to look inside. Two seconds later, he cried.

10, I really want to talk to you about quality, but I can't stand you even if I endure shit and urine.

1 1, aunt, hello, I'm your son's boyfriend!

12, I think there are two kinds of people in this world that attract me the most. One is a beautiful person, and the other is you.

13, if you are right, don't say shameless; You can tell him you don't need a face at all.

14, look at you like that, it's a good thing you're not a Tang priest, or you'll spoil all the goblins.

15, I drew a coffin with you and her lying inside. It's very kind of me to let you die together.

16, no matter how big the official is, no matter how much money. Dragging it in exactly the same way.

17, every time I take an exam, I really want to write "Baidu once, you will know" on the paper, which makes the marking teacher very angry.

18, Yue Lao, did you break my red rope?

19. Every time I take the elevator, I hear the sound of "ding" opening the door, just like in the microwave oven, and sometimes there are acquaintances inside.

20. To be a man, we must "stand the four tests": stand the test, stand the test, stand the question and stand the investigation.

2 1, I like your personality, but I don't like your gender!

22. Can you give me an accident to make me forget all the people and things?

23. If you are sensible, you will be invited to eat steamed buns. If you are not sensible, please eat your fist.

24. If I give you a pair of wings, you should be braised.

25, hurry up, I dare not save money.

45 classic funny quotations-funny quotations

When I was a child, I usually sold popsicles and ice cream by pushing bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: New ice cream is selling well. (It is estimated that Auntie used to sell fried dough sticks.

One day I went to my classmate's house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. He wanted to call his uncle, but he dialed the wrong number.

Say, "Dad, come and sit down!" ~ ~ cold! A bunch of classmates laughed to death.

Once I ordered a song at ktv, a mm shouted: Give me a stick-cut "Double Jay" every week.

In the past, the teacher handed out papers, and the girls at the back took one more and shouted, "Teacher, I have it, I have it." As a result, the boy sitting next to him said, "It's mine, it's mine". The whole class was stunned ~ ~ ~ No way, who made me like to be lazy at work?

My friend's child is half a year old, so I'm calling to care about it. After a few commonplaces, he said: Is your child eating human milk or your milk now?

One night, I met an acquaintance and said, "Good morning."

In the evening, a roommate came into the room and announced loudly, "I watched the midnight edition of The American Ring today!" "

Because of business trip, I have to go to a domestic bank to repair equipment. After I got out of the hotel and got into a taxi, I said to the female driver, "Go to China Bank and find a hardware store to buy a knife." Sweat! I was going to buy a screwdriver. I didn't notice that I was wrong. At this time, the female driver kept looking at me and said, "Big Brother, I'm going to get off work. Please find a new taxi. " At that time, I was very angry and said, "What car did you stop at the hotel after work?" ! ? The female driver looked at me and said, "I don't want the fare after buying the knife. Please find another one. "dizzy! ! ! Only then did I realize that I was wrong, and I quickly explained it for a long time. Now that I think about it, I feel sorry for the female driver.

The political teacher once said in a lecture, "Let me give you an example." Then he felt wrong and said, "give me an example."

In junior high school, the teacher asked the translator. Who is this person? A classmate translated: Whose man is this? The whole class laughed and the teacher was speechless.

In the political class, I talked about the political problems between China and Japan, and talked about the Japanese samurai committing suicide by caesarean section. The teacher said, "Japanese samurai were all delivered by caesarean section before they died ~ ~ ~"

When I was in college, one of my classmates just bought a mobile phone, got a mobile card and dialed 1860 to ask about it. At that time, he was excited: May I ask about your mobile phone business? . . From hands-free, we actually heard the telephone operator say politely: We are moving to bring business. . . The whole dormitory laughed wildly.

My husband is thin. Once I was in a hurry and said, "Honey, you look as thin as a pig!" " "

Original broadcast: Two gangsters wounded 1 10 police and fled. The announcer read: Two gangsters wounded 1 10 policemen and fled. (Huang Feihong reincarnated! )

One of our colleagues, when going to take the driver's license test, said a classic sentence to the examiner: report the instrument, the examiner is normal.

I remember once, when I went to KFC with a sister, I heard her muttering in the queue, a chicken leg burger and a pair of chicken wings. .....................................................................................................................................

Tell me about KFC's new "flesh and blood connection" (mutton kebabs have brittle bones) and let me take her to eat. It was extremely hot in Beijing these days, and I went to the restaurant in a daze.

I said to the smiling miss KFC: please give me two glasses of "blood", thank you! ............. is ashamed _!

A boy saw his uncle: "buy two dishes for uncle!" " "Uncle:" The child is so boastful that he can't even tell anyone! " "

A shy male classmate went to the canteen to have breakfast. In the window, the host asked him, "What do you want?" He lowered his head and said, "I want … I want … a steamed stuffed bun, a steamed stuffed bun." The master stared at him for a long time and asked, "What do you want? Say it again! " "I want a steamed stuffed bun, a steamed stuffed bun ... oh. Don't! A steamed bun, a loaf of bread! "

In English class, the teacher said, "Good morning, teacher!" " Student: "Good morning, student!" The whole class burst into laughter.

A classmate called a friend's house and his grandfather answered it. This classmate doesn't know what he is thinking. He just said, "Grandpa, I'm grandma ..." Suddenly he felt something was wrong and hung up with a bang. ...

A buddy once asked a girl he had long admired, ready to confess to her. They sat for a long time before he got up the courage to say to the girl, "Do you have a boyfriend?"

The girl replied shyly, "Not yet." He was ecstatic: "Then can you be my boyfriend?"

The wife asked reproachfully, you don't even know your grandmother's name? The husband is very wronged to answer, how should I know? My grandmother was only seven years old when I died.

Wife surprised: What? Husband quickly changed his mouth: no, no, my grandmother died at the age of seven!

My mother said to me before going out to play mahjong, "You put all your clothes in the refrigerator and put all your dishes in the washing machine."

Once I came out from my mother to find my wife. Seeing my wife, I habitually called out, "Mom!"

Two people bickered, and suddenly a man next to them came out and said, "You are really full and have nothing to do!" " "

In the unit's toast, a leader said, "I wish you good health ..." Hold your breath, and there will be no more words.

Old four in the dormitory got out of bed and looked for slippers for a long time. No, I asked everyone: Where are my slippers?

Once I went to buy mutton kebabs and put out four fingers and said to my boss, "Three mutton kebabs." The boss got "how much?" I held out three more fingers and said "four" ...

My surname is Zhu, the computer room of the management unit. Someone once called my mobile phone: "Sir Chicken, are you in the pigsty?" That's when I yelled at that guy!

When my parents quarreled, my father said angrily, "I want to go out!" " "

Just went to college, military training, the company commander didn't know where the accent was, and shouted the password-"Drill to the left!" "Drill to the right!"

When I was in college, I heard a girl order: Master, stir-fry a plate of hot and sour potato shreds, not potatoes!

When I was looking for a job, the examiner asked me when I would graduate. I wanted to say 2000, but when I got excited, I said, "Two thousand years ago. . . "What's more, the examiner sighed and said," Confucius' student. "

At a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy! ! ! ! !

Tigers don't send cats, you think I'm dying!

Me: "That's our physics teacher. . . "Classmate:" What do you teach? " Me: "Chemistry. . . "

One day when I was at school, a phone call came to me. My classmate answered, handed it to me and said, "Your mother wants you." As soon as I answered the phone, I casually said "men and women" Everyone laughed wildly. After being laughed at for four years, a beautiful woman worries about marrying. Dude, I don't think I won.

Once my classmate's mother called, I used to say "he's not here". This time I want to say "he's out". The result was: "He ... left."

Pass me a sorbet, I took a bite and shouted, "It burns me!" " "

When I went to Li Ning with my sister to buy shoes, my sister said, "Miss, how much are these shoes?"

I went home on weekends when I was at school, but I became addicted to smoking after dinner, and I planned to find an excuse to go for a walk. When changing shoes at the door, my father asked me why I wanted to go. I casually said, "Go have a cigarette!" As a result, my father found a pack of 555 from me and gave me a good K.

The teacher left homework, so I copied it from others if I couldn't do it, and then I went to the office to hand in my homework. I saw the teacher say, "I copied it!" " "

Our unit has a car to go to work in the morning, because the car is not big. Once, a male colleague sitting next to me stood up and greeted her warmly and said, "So-and-so, sit on my ass!" " "I laughed to get off ~!

When I was in college, a classmate argued with me, and I was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted: You talk nonsense, I'm not stupid!