Kneel for the best joke! Urgent! !

1, I called my mother just now, and I said, "Mom, if the end of the world really comes, I won't review my English, the day before the exam." As a result, my mother said, "That won't do. Go to another world and be a knowledgeable person! " "

2. I heard a friend sing: Don't wait for a thousand years. Cao Cao told me that fairy tales are all lies. I can't be your monkey brother. You are really something. The five elements of the mountain can't hold you down. A gourd baby, a gourd baby, seven melons on a vine, not afraid of wind and rain. Ah! Mm-hmm. Sheriff Black Cat, Deng Deng Deng Deng Deng Deng Deng Deng! The strings of this song are so full!

3. Play games on the company computer. The boss came and found out, reprimanded me and asked me to delete the game. I dragged the desktop game icon into the recycle bin and looked at the boss. The boss is angry: "You think I'm stupid, empty the recycle bin!" " "

4. One day, Mrs. White Snake farted, and Xu Xian suddenly realized, "Madam, you are a rattlesnake."

Another group of people in the company jumped ship. Usually everyone gets along well. When they left, everyone gave gifts to each other as a souvenir. A colleague gave me a pig face pad and said, "I'll give it to you so that you can see things and think of people later …" "

6, the language is not qualified, which shows my character. The teacher takes full responsibility for failing math. English is not qualified because I am patriotic. Doing well in the exam depends on sitting at the same table. You didn't do well in the exam, and neither did your deskmate. Going to school every day is even more worrying, and teachers can't do without lectures.

7. One day, as soon as Xiao Fang came home from work, her son Xiao Qiang ran to her and proudly said, "Mom, I learned to bargain!" Xiao Fang was puzzled and asked, "Then how did you do it?" Xiao Qiang said, "I took some waste products to the recycling station and sold them. The uncle who collected waste said six dollars, and I said it was too expensive, so I bought four dollars for me ... "

8. My wife is fierce. When I met a thief on the bus, my wife immediately became domineering and said, "Bring it!" " "The thief obediently returned 50 yuan. The wife roared: "And! "The thief was shocked and took out 100. After getting off the bus, my wife suddenly remembered that she actually only brought 50 yuan when she went out.

9. Today, I saw a big brother and a sister go to the bank to withdraw 2000 yuan. When they arrived in 800 yuan, he put the money in his pocket. My sister said, "Why don't you finish counting?" The eldest brother replied, "There is nothing wrong with counting so many, and there should be no mistakes in the future."

10, two parents praised each other's son. "My son is a genius. Yesterday he drew a dragonfly on the wall, and his mother caught it for a long time. " "What's the matter? My son drew a snake on the ground yesterday, which scared me to break into houses. Who knows that he also painted the door on the wall. "

1 1. I knitted a scarf for my baby two days ago. When I closed the needle, the wool needle was empty, so I put it in my hair. My husband is playing games and drinking water in the living room. Suddenly he said to me, hey, the signal is good! Me, me, me ...

12, I went out with my friends and was trapped in a temple halfway up the mountain by heavy rain. Fortunately, the abbot kindly took us in. Knowing that my friend has a cheap mouth, I reminded him: "You must never mention baldness and combs in front of the abbot!" "Don't worry." My friend nodded at me and said to the abbot, "Master abbot, look, we are all soaked. Do you have a hair dryer here? "

13. A crow was thirsty and saw a bottle by the roadside. There is not much water in the bottle, and the mouth of the bottle is very small. What shall we do? The clever crow put pebbles in the bottle one by one. When the water reached the bottle mouth, an old lady bent down and shivered, emptied the stone and stepped on the bottle to pick it up …

14, go to grandma's house to eat hot pot at night. I put a sparerib on the table and accidentally dropped it! Distressed, I asked my grandmother, "Grandma, did you mop the floor today?" Grandma said, "Yes, I mop the floor every morning." Then I put the ribs in my mouth with confidence. Then my grandmother said, "I won't pour water for your grandfather to soak his feet at night, but save it for mopping the floor in the morning."

15, every time the teacher has a math class, the answer to a formula is equal to 4. The whole class will look at me (hint: my name is Deng Yusi)! That's all. Today, the teacher told me a formula: 2b = 4, and the whole class looked at me and smiled! Teacher, did you do it on purpose?

16. On the plane, the flight attendant's sweet voice said to the passengers, "Please put out your cigarette and fasten your seat belt." The passengers followed the stewardess's instructions for five minutes, and the stewardess's sweet voice rang again: "Please fasten your seat belt a little more. Unfortunately, we forgot to bring food on the plane. "

17, Li Bai: It's hard to get through the Shu Road and get to the sky. Bao Qingtian: Brother Bai, you ... Du Fu: A flock of egrets went to the sky. Bao Qingtian: Shit, are you two kidding me? !

18, once upon a time, there was a man who drank too much. This guy drunk driving and almost ran into a tree. The policeman asked him, "What's the matter?" He said, "It's not my fault. I had nothing to do with that. I was driving there normally, and a fool hit me with a big tree. "

19, I suddenly smelled a fart while waiting for the bus. The beautiful woman waiting for the bus immediately frowned and looked disgusted. I want to say, sister, stop pretending, it's just the two of us at the station!

20. Cats are very delicate. In the afternoon at my friend's house, her cat slept behind my ass. I drank too much beer and accidentally farted on the cat's head. As a result, the cat stood up, shook her hands in front of her eyes a few times, fell backwards, fainted, and was stiff and scared to death …

2 1, I am a freshman in medical college, and my anatomy class is very tense, especially when I hear my classmates praise my parents as top surgeons or have relevant experience. After two hours of practical operation, the teacher praised my good operation ability and asked me if I had a family history. I replied shyly, "Yes, my grandfather killed pigs."

22. In class, the teacher asked questions in class, but there was no response below. The teacher said, will you give me some response? I sing a monologue on it. What are you doing here? A classmate blurted out and went to the theatre.

23, a male classmate, one day in class, pen out of water, asked a girl not far away to borrow a pen, only heard the girl shout "stupid?" The man suddenly felt wronged. Shit, you scolded me for this little thing. His anger was mixed with grievances and he roared, "Damn it, I just borrowed a pen. Why did you scold me? " The girl said weakly, "I, I didn't scold you ... I asked you what pen to use?"

I dreamed of the end of the world yesterday. Aliens invaded the earth. We hid behind a tanker. Still being discovered. Honey, cover for me. Got shot several times. Bloody. There were blood drops on the body. It's extremely cold, I thought silently. Oh, my hero. I will treat you well in the future. Wake up. I found the reason why it was cold was that the goods swept the quilt away. Theo. Instantly disillusioned.

25. Yesterday, my sister in the dormitory discussed the end of the world on 2 1 ... One sister said, "I don't believe the world will end. Human beings are so powerful, how can they say no? " At first, everyone was discussing it, but suddenly a weak voice came out: "Dinosaurs thought so …" The dormitory was silent for a moment.

26. In class on Monday, the teacher called the roll. "Zhang San?" "here." "Li Si?" "here." Wang Wu? "Go ..." Obviously, all three voices came from the same person. Suddenly, the atmosphere in the classroom froze to freezing point and the teacher was livid. He rushed to the windowsill in one step: Uncle Wang, can you direct the reversing later?

27. I quit my job and went home to change my local number. It's been two months. This number is really deceptive. Strangers called me to chop people up. Tell the boss that I made a fortune and forgot my brother. Let me send the young lady there. Ask me to send powder. I said I used this size before, big brother. How rich your life experience is!

28. When my mother called yesterday, the first thing she asked was whether the end of the world was real. What if I say it's true? She said, come back quickly, kill the pig first …

29. In class, the teacher said, "There is no word' failure' in my life dictionary!" Just after that, a dictionary came out from the bottom. Xiao Xin said, "Teacher, I have to lend it to you!" "

30. My mother is in charge and my father is poorer than me. Today, I called the handsome guy, and the handsome guy said to me happily, "Son, I saved 100 yuan and punched you." I burst into tears in an instant.