The most classic funny lines of the 2020 Spring Festival Gala

You shocked me to death

No requirements for hair?

My husband’s name is Chicken

He manages Bauhinia City=urban management

The history museum is: From Monkey to Man

Good food Don't be afraid of being late.

You have walked out of a women's football team this week.

There are several in their 80s. . . Oops, they are all born in the 80s.

The Somali pirates are robbing you, right?

Neighbors, praise me for having a "wet" demeanor

I am in the third grade, you are in the sixth grade, I am in the sixth grade, and we are in the same class.

Although I lost a crooked neck tree, I gained a big forest.

It’s okay, I have such a big plate of dumplings, but I still care about your piece of garlic. Just stay.

There are still three hours left, and the machine will start to dust

There is no grass anywhere in the world, so why bother looking for it around you? The quantity is not much, not to mention the quality is not good. .

In the years without you, I had a girl accompany me every 30 years.

Liang Shanbo and Zhu Yingtai were also classmates. They were both butterflies, but they still flew away.

You have finished your Ph.D., I am a martyr.

Put on my black vest, President Obama.

The most painful thing in life is that money has not been used up after death.

The most painful thing in life is when you run out of money before you die.

Chinese name: Xiaoshenyang English name: XIAOSHENYANG (muffler style

If you don’t let me sing, I won’t dare you to serve the food.

I thank you Your eight-generation ancestor, I will never let you go.

You didn’t order any of them, why do you want us to give you one?

You said you didn’t order any of them? I also posted one.

Asked: "Call your boss." Answer: "No."

Scotland flirts.

Dong Qing said: "Mr. Ma's son Ma Ji..."

Honey, I'm at the bottom of the sea

I'll give that to the police. The driver's license belongs to Bai Yansong.

Village chief, why did you get on the train again? Do you want to be the mayor?

Society has improved, and the trains have accelerated. Yao Ming's son You will be able to walk when you get up.

You want to possess me, I want to possess you.

There is an old man on the camera who looks very much like you. Look carefully, Samaranch.

I dare to fly a plane after drinking.

I can’t even explain the truth, so how can you explain it clearly?

Just drink for free. , 246 and Beer go.

Ask me which one is the flowery little nanny

This is the spirit that sticks to the nose.

The police have guns, but the security guards also have sticks.

Our security guards are like a gray landscape in the capital.

Why is his brother such a bastard? Who is his brother?

I was a security guard 30 years ago, but now I am a "fan". Man.

This dog bit you.

How important it is to master a foreign language.

If you want to ask me which one I am, I am a security guard.

We have a special bus line and an Olympic line. Why not set up a special line for drunken people?

Me. I hate arranged marriages the most.

Hey, can I get you some money?

Is your brain filled with gutter oil?

Teacher, do I look like a chicken?

I am from the provincial chemical fertilizer factory.

You can either call me Xiao Hao or Dajian. Don’t be too mean or mean. Will it expose my character more?

Why don’t you take our child away before we leave?

My dad is already on the ranking list of whether he is convinced or not.

Which mental illness can you watch with 100 yuan?

In fact, happiness is very simple. Don’t always think about what you don’t have, but think about what you have.

Kangxi ascended the throne at the age of six. (She must be eight years old, right?

Can her sports car make up for running away?

Wanted? Store manager, are you from Cantonese, right?

Silicon and water What will happen when we are together?

What to do if you are poisoned by gas?

According to you, is grandma the mother? , grandma is father’s mother.

The person holding the broom in Jay Chou’s Double Jay 18 may not be the cleaner, it could also be Harry Potter.

It’s in your head. It's a waste of time.

Don't cause trouble for me.

Don't cause trouble for the people.

You two are really in love with each other. .

My wife was stunned after hearing what he said.

Son, are you from the local station or the central station?

Those eyes really save my face, aren’t they original?

I don’t care what she says if the mouth is below his nose.

Hello, this is Commercial Bank... Your bus card shows a purchase of 8,000 yuan in another place.

What kind of character do you have to talk to me for so long when you know I am a liar?

Listen to me, I am in your daughter's hands, no, huh, your daughter is in my hands, I am not your son-in-law

What's wrong with sweeping the floor? The person holding the broom is not necessarily the cleaner. He may also be Harry Potter.

This brother of mine is very miserable. He just found out that his son is not his biological son.

If you don't promise me, he will die. Look.

Who is the outsider?

The person delivering the lunch box: This box belongs to Tingting.

Liar: Why?

The person who delivered the lunch box: There is no gutter oil in this box. Tingting doesn’t like gutter oil.

Aunt Li: Why are you so stupid? Yeah?

Lunch box delivery guy: Yes, my math scores have always been pretty good. Goodbye, auntie!

Aunt Li: You’re crazy.

—————————————————Classic lines from the sketch "Skynet Huihui"

You two are really close friends.

It’s natural for her to light up the fire.

It shows my character to be so mean.

Husband: Are you quarreling again?

Wife: No, it’s a dog.

Wife: It barked at me!

Husband: Did you bite it?

Wife : It didn’t bite me, can I bite it first? I'm not being reasonable!

Husband: So cool! Conquer the dog with virtue!

So mean: Hey, is this dad?

Husband: Who is it... so polite?

Husband: What is your name?

So cheap: Dad, take it now.

Whatever you choose, I will call it.

Husband: Eyeballs

So mean: Dad! Think twice! Every hasty decision you make is related to my future. Give me a personal name!

I have repeatedly emphasized that honesty and women can conquer the world!

I am engaged in the study of human epidermis (actually I am a scrubber) and the study of human epidermis dirt.

Husband: Wife, go, isn’t there a cucumber left in the refrigerator? Cook four dishes for the kids.

Wife: Oh

How cheap: Your family entertains guests very extravagantly.

Husband: I’ll give you 100 yuan for mental damage.

So cheap: Which mental illness can you watch with 100 yuan?

This strange combination of circumstances has made things perfect for you two.

———————————————————Classic lines from the sketch "Today's Happiness"

What substances can be produced by silicon and water? Bastard Soup!

Gas, you know? Carbon monoxide is a poisonous gas. What should you do if your home gas leaks? Have a cigarette to calm down.

Eating sugar cookies burns the back of the head.

If you really like music, kid, you don’t have to learn piano. Buying a piano is the same as playing whistle (it first appeared in Ge You’s sketch in 1992)

————— ———————————— Quotations from Crosstalk “Struggle”

Niu Li: This is New York, right?

Feng Gong: Is New York so peaceful?

Yan Xuejing: Your boss is almost 60, but his wife is so young?

Feng Gong: Are there any older wives of the boss now?

Feng Gong: You will always be Xi Shi in my heart

Niu Li: What about me?

Feng Gong: At best, he is Diao Chan.

Those eyes are really embarrassing.

Niu Li: Who is young?

Feng Gong: You are young.

Yan Xuejing: Why are you too young?

Feng Gong: She is pretending to be young.

Yan Xuejing: What about me?

Feng Gong: Really old.

My mouth is below his nose, can I care what she says?

——————————————————Sketch (cross talk drama) "The Chariot of Love"

Fellows from the same hometown directly refer to accomplices Isn’t it over?

What is your last name? My surname is Hao. How can your surname be Hao? My father's surname is Hao.

A: You are not a good person.

B: Say it again.

A: You are not a good person.

B: Say it three more times.

A: You are not a good person. You are not a good person. You are not a good person.

B: Say it ten more times.

—————————————————Short “Interview”

Who unified the six countries later? Jing Ke.

Travel through time and space to conquer everything.

——————————————————Sketch "Jing Ke Assassins Qin"

Classic quotes from the 2020 Year of the Horse Spring Festival Gala

20xx Year of the Horse Spring Festival Gala Classic Quotations

The Spring Festival Gala of the Year of the Horse, which lasted for seven months, involved thousands of people and cost hundreds of millions, finally came to an end. After such a long period of preparation, no matter what the content is, it has left us with many popular things!

1. It takes ten years to become a bitch.

2. It’s now time to take a closer look at the meaning of two meters and three meters.

3. I am a premature baby, born prematurely for more than 9 months. You are not pregnant with the baby.

4. I really had no choice but to play it back for you.

5. Ridicule Mr. Hua for his fast speech: Your mouth is rented, are you in a hurry to return it?

6. Auntie, where are you going to blow up the bunker?

7. The cute kid imitating "Where Are We Going, Dad": Daddy, where are you going?

8. 1. I don’t think you can get into the top three in a competition between two people.

9. It’s okay, you’re not afraid of boiling water.

10. You let people pedal once a day, you are a bicycle.

11. Your degree is in prenatal education.

12. He is also a grandson. Why is your grandson such a grandson?

13. Do you live just to find someone?

14. High jump in the toilet - "passing feces".

15. It took me a long time to drift over there.

16. Whole body powder fracture? , then you are a scumbag.

17. Your best score in the draft was 5,000 to 4,900, and you were nicknamed "The Eliminator."

18. You can walk now. You are walking according to the schedule.

19. Let’s put it this way, I used to open a big business.

20. Why is it suddenly not cold anymore, and I still have a little heartburn.

21. Let me tell you this, the thieves who came to my house always left with tears in their eyes.

22. What is dolphin sound? The sound you made with your hips during the audition.

23. Grandson! Showing off a house of gourds, do you think your grandma is a snake spirit?

24. He has a flat face and looks like a manhole cover.

25. Auntie, do your family members know that you are so naughty?

26. Does being big mean you are powerful? Aren’t the dinosaurs still extinct? 2021 Spring Festival Gala Classic Lines

1. "I'm Disturbing You"

It's like jumping too high in the toilet (feces).

Is the dolphin sound the sound you made with your buttocks during the audition?

Powder fractures throughout the body? Then you are a scumbag.

My child, your degree is in prenatal education.

You are a grandson, and so is your grandson. Why are you such a grandson?

He has a flat face and looks like a manhole cover.

You let people pedal once a day, you are a bicycle.

It’s okay, you’re not afraid of boiling water.

Your best score in the draft was 5,000 to 4,900, and you were given the nickname "Knockout Lang".

I don't think you can make the top three in a two-person competition.

I am a premature baby, nine months premature.

2. "To Help or Not to Help"

You can walk now, but you are walking according to the schedule.

If you talk like this, can we still play together in the future?

Auntie, where are you going to blow up the bunker?

I am an old lady lying here for a long time, you think I am doing the work.

Can I still be rescued?

I'm talking about the bumper and you're talking about the base of the tail

It's already here, are you still comparing it to the three-meter-two-meter one? Does that make sense!

Auntie, you are so naughty, do your family members know?

When a person falls, we can still help him up; when a person’s heart falls, we cannot help him up even if we want to.

3. "What can I say about you"

Children always kiss their mother. When they see their mother, they always say, "Mom, I'm hungry, Mom, I'm thirsty, Mom, where are my clothes?" Dad can only say one sentence: Dad, where is my mother?

I applied for a visa to go to Thailand but there was no news for a long time. It turned out that it was written as Qin.

When is the best time to buy a house? The year before last!

You put on stockings just to prove how elastic they are!

My mood when I go to work every day is heavier than when I go to the grave!

Five elements are missing in my life.

4. "Being polite when you are there"

Talking about money hurts feelings, talking about feelings hurts money.

I am planning to hold a wedding with your wife.

Please press one for the first marriage, press two for the second marriage, and press three for the third marriage.

Hello! Please hang up.

5. "That's Just Me"

I'm not a potato, I'm a kiwi. Is there any difference? Kiwis are hairy.

I am a writer, but not Mo Yan. I keep my mouth shut.

My friends and I were shocked.

When your hair grows to your waist, let’s be friends. 2020 CCTV Year of the Rooster Spring Festival Gala

1. Sketch: "Big City, Little Love"

Performers: Liu Liang, Bai Ge, Guo Jinjie, etc.

①. This look What I asked you to do is like a chicken in mahjong, which is awesome!

②. Then why did you marry me? I want to be sad.

③ Husband, give me five hundred yuan. How much? Four hundred. What do you want three hundred yuan for? I only have two hundred in my pocket. The most I can give him is one hundred, with a down payment of ten yuan.

④. I like the way my wife sits on the kang and counts money.

2. Sketch: "My Wife"

Performers: Cai Ming, Pan Changjiang, Pan Binlong

①. The higher the appearance, the greater the responsibility.

②. So embarrassing.

③. How can he still get a wife with his appearance? People may not give it to him even if he picks up a courier.

④. My husband is so young and my son is so old. Can I lose my memory?

⑤. Stay with your wife, don’t stay together forever.

⑥. If you can’t remember it for a day, I will stay with you for a day; if you can’t remember it for a lifetime, I will stay with you for a lifetime. I haven’t been bullied enough by you.

3. Crosstalk: "Grandma Said"

Performers: Gao Xiaopan, You Xianchao

① What my grandma said is an old saying.

②. I look good when I smile - you look very funny!

③. Hitting the child on a rainy day - idle time is also idle.

④. Pushing with bare buttocks - you are going around in circles and embarrassing yourself.

⑤ Even if you fail, you must be proud.

⑥. What grandma said are those inner words that you didn’t want to hear when you were a child, but want to hear when you grow up but can’t.

4. Sketch: "True Love Forever"

Performers: Sun Tao, Yan Xuejing, Liu Yiwei

①. Good appearance, equivalent to PM250.

②. Fortunately, you stuck it in my cow dung. If you stuck it in the fertilizer, you might have become genetically modified!

③. When the child is born, he will grow on his buttocks. It's not a birthmark, it's a QR code. Scan it with your phone and you'll know who your biological father is.

④. Husband, husband, in turn is the husband (paying the bills).

⑤. My grandson Yichuan finally has roots, and I have even thought of a nickname for the child - called grandson Yichuan.

5. Crosstalk: "New Reverie in the Tiger's Mouth"

Performers: Jiang Kun, Dai Zhicheng

① Thanks for refreshing the screen.

②. Evening rush hour.

③. It can’t survive. I guess it understands that coming out is not as good as it is - now we are fighting flies and tigers together.

6. Sketch: "One Son-in-law and Half a Son"

Performers: Shen Teng, Allen, Wei Xiang, Wu Jiang, Yang Yuanhan

①, Take me Do you think this 100,000 yuan in cash will compensate you for 100,000 yuan?

②. Whether you are a human being or not is very unclear now.

③. The person who can deceive your father has not been born yet - not only has he not been born, he has not been conceived yet.

④. He was deceived, as if he had deceived the liar.

⑤. When it comes to money, how come you grow up so fast!

⑥. Bamboo pole dancing is just like that. If you step on it, it’s dancing. If you don’t step on it, it’s dancing. This is execution!

7. Sketch: "Love in the Tianshan Mountains"

Performers: Abdul Salam, Dili Humar, Shang Daqing, etc.

①. If you don’t want money from others, are you getting milk in your head?

②. The key to the kind of milk a cow produces depends on what kind of feed it feeds. Feed sheep feed - goat milk; feed fruits - fruit milk; feed soybeans - soy milk; feed vinegar - yogurt.

8. Crosstalk Drama: "Trust"

Performers: Feng Gong, Lin Yongjian, Song Ning, Fu Yuanhui

①. I dreamed that my wife gave birth to a baby... I heard a whoosh in the delivery room - you appeared.

②. We are men, and we are responsible for making money. The rough work like spending money has to be done by my wife. I exhaust her to death.

③. Can’t hold it.

④. A man who doesn’t wear his wife’s socks is definitely not a good man.

⑤. People should trust each other, understand each other, be considerate of each other, and care for each other.

⑥. Those of you who drive taxis must listen to me - those who take taxis.

⑦. Trust is a cotton-padded jacket in the wind and snow; trust is a warm treasure in the cold wind; trust is a hot bath splashed in three or nine days; trust is me wearing a cotton-padded jacket, holding a warm treasure, soaking in it Take a hot bath and drink a steaming bowl of tofu pudding.

9. Sketch: "A Feng's Person"

Performers: Dong Qifeng, Fang Qingping, Li Xiang, Qin Wanyun

①, Blind Date Nine Ninety-eighty-one times, all failed, so we call her the golden leftover, the Monkey King.