Little jokes in life

In this fast-paced and tense social life, we must learn to entertain ourselves. If we don't have some fun, we will suppress it sooner or later. Here, I sort out some jokes in my life, look at them together, smile for ten years and share them with people around me!

Little jokes in life 1

1, Chinese coffee

After dinner, I went for a walk in Binhe Park and saw a fashionable couple with a poodle. I support those who like dogs. What a beautiful dog! I sincerely admire and say, what's your name? Call.-Coffee! The hostess was very happy to hear me praise her dog! Coffee? What a foreign name! I said. Yes! Our coffee is cultured and we are gentlemen. Is its hair beautified? It looks special, like-like what? The hostess asked expectantly. At this time, I made another mistake of talking nonsense and saying that the address was unknown. While observing carefully, I summed up the shape of coffee: wearing a Lei Feng hat, two steamed buns tied around my waist, four happy balls on my feet, and a feather duster on my ass.

2, revenge is strong.

Someone introduced me to an insurance elder sister. She is in her forties, has a hairstyle and looks like Sister Xianglin in the movie. Her sales promotion method is simple-stalking and beating!

When she came for the first time, she poured out how much pressure she had and how hard life was. I told her euphemistically that I was under great pressure and it was not easy to retire if I wanted her alive. Who knows, she is getting braver and braver, and she comes to you for the second time. This time, she changed her strategy, stopped complaining and talked about the advantages of her insurance. The implication is that once purchased, it will be worry-free for life and benefit endlessly! In order to get rid of her, I simply said that I didn't intend to buy insurance at all. The most important thing-I whispered in her ear-I didn't have the money to buy it. Now she is at a loss and disgruntled.

I didn't expect her to make a comeback on the third day. She is as excited as chicken blood and has the courage to beat me! I just have an excuse to avoid something.

She stopped me calmly and said, I just need one minute of your time. I can only say: go. She asked: Do you have children? I said, yes. She asked again, how old is it? I said truthfully: three years old. She said, just three years old! If you don't buy insurance for him, you will regret if something happens to him!

Her words added fuel to my fire (it seems that she doesn't know my strengths yet). I tried to suppress my anger and asked her, Do you have any children? She said yes. I asked again: Did you buy insurance for him? She said of course she bought it. I pretended to be very concerned and said, what are you going to do if something happens to the child and you make money?

3. You came out.

I met a bank manager in the street. We have a common business relationship. Every time I see him, I see him through bulletproof glass. It's really hard to see him suddenly outside. I greeted him: Have you gone out? This guy paused, put away the smile on his face and replied coldly: I didn't go in originally!

I regretted it afterwards and went to the bank to withdraw money the next day. I deliberately approached him and said, I didn't mean that yesterday. He smiled, too. I know you're joking. In order to apologize, I deliberately raised my voice and said, how can you get in without corruption and bribery?

4. Contract abortion

I went to see a client. She is about thirty years old and a little fat. We had a smooth talk and agreed to sign the contract the next day. It is estimated that I can make a net profit of 50,000 to 60,000, and my heart is exulting. In order to deepen my feelings when I said goodbye, I pointed to her belly and asked with concern, has it been six months? The voice is falling-the noisy office is quiet, and everyone pretends to bow their heads and wait nervously for the following. The smile on the customer's face froze immediately, and his face turned from white to blue-from blue to purple. I saw her abdomen gradually getting bigger and narrower, her fists clenched tightly and her veins stood out-her eyes seemed to burst into fire! I was startled! I don't know what I did wrong, so I said incoherently, are you okay, big sister? Don't move, the tire is flat. This sentence caused another burst of suppressed laughter. I seem to understand what's going on and sincerely comfort her: men and women are the same, and daughters carry on the family line! Hearing this, the client stumbled and almost fell, holding the wall with his hand and barely squeezing out a sentence through his teeth: I'm not married yet!

5. Beat Maicheng

When I went to a restaurant to eat steamed stuffed buns, I found that there was little meat stuffing, so I called the waiter and asked, why is there so little meat stuffing? The waiter stared: Less? Give you Baotou pig? I said angrily, what's your attitude? Attendant: Good attitude? Sleeping with you? I am furious: I want to complain about you! Waiter strikes table: Complaint? I won't wait! Say that finish and roared off.

Little joke in life 2 1. Others change girlfriends once a semester, and I change my secret crush once a week.

2. cleaning the dormitory today, I actually found some mouse droppings in the toilet. Then the roommate next to him said, after all, he is a college mouse. He has many qualities and knows how to shit in the toilet! !

I prepared a cheat sheet the night before the exam, put it in my pocket and fell asleep. The next day, my boyfriend from a different place said that he would come, and he was very excited. I put on beautiful clothes and went to the exam. As a result, I touched my pocket ... falling in love really affected my grades! ! !

4. A male classmate handed me a note and said, "I like you. Can you leave your contact information? " So I wrote down my phone number on the note and handed it to him. As a result, in class the next day, he handed me a note and said, "If you don't want to give it, just say so. There is no need to make up a fake QQ number to lie to me ... "

5. I saw an apple five model with bells in the toy store that day, so I bought it for ten yuan and decided to install B at the school gate ... just in time for school at noon, and there were a lot of people, so I immediately turned on the B model. As soon as the bell rang, I quarreled and continued to be furious. My mobile phone fell on the road ... I used it very hard and dropped the No.7 battery. ...

6. My friend found a new girlfriend. At first glance, it looks beautiful and the skin is particularly white. So everyone booed and said, "Give me a kiss, give me a kiss …" The buddy was probably embarrassed and gave the girl a slap in the face. Then lip prints appeared on the girl's face, and when she looked at that guy again, her mouth turned white. ...

7. A man was in a bar and saw a beautiful woman with beautiful breasts come in. Man: Hello, Miss, can I ask you a question? Woman: What's this? M: I'll give you $65,438+0,000. Can I touch your chest? Female: 1000 dollars? Okay, then. Beauty then took off her clothes. The man stared at it for a few minutes, but he didn't do it. Woman: Why don't you touch it? The man said, because there is no money, haha!

8. Yesterday, my friend and girlfriend broke up, and my girlfriend wanted to break up. The friend said, "Do you believe I stabbed you to death?" His girlfriend is even more angry: "If you can stab me to death, I won't break up with you!" " "

9. A buddy is lovelorn. I comforted him: I said, "Don't be sad. When you are rich, you will meet better. I have been there before. " Buddy: "You lie!" Me: "Why did I lie to you? I am your good buddy! " Buddy: "I mean, you've never had money." What kind of experience are you? " I ...

10, my female colleague urged me to finish writing a document and kept urging me: "Hurry up, hurry up!" I said, "Don't worry, do you often urge your husband to hurry up!" " "My colleague blushed and walked away without urging. ...

1 1, student dog: Oh, my God, the summer vacation is halfway through. Dog at work: My God, the summer vacation will be over in one month.

12, three things that parents can't understand in summer: cover the air conditioner and cover the quilt. Two: play mobile phone with the computer on. Three: Listening to songs while doing homework.

Joke in life 3 1, Shijiazhuang has been particularly cold recently. It was cold and sleepy to go to Taihe by bus in the morning. The last old lady got up as soon as she sat down, but she had to get up and give up her seat. The old lady is very talkative: the young man is good and good-looking. How old are you? Twenty-three years old, grandma. Well, I have a granddaughter who is also 23 years old. When I heard this, I was instantly refreshed. What a coincidence! It must be beautiful to see your granddaughter. Yes, it's also 23, everyone has bought a car ... the plot should not be like this!

2. Once I took a taxi and waited for a red light, the master actually fell asleep and the green light came on. The horn behind me is extremely anxious. I patted the master. When he saw the traffic police walking this way, he immediately got off the bus and said to me, young man, help me get off the bus! I won't charge you today! The traffic police who came over also pushed the cart with him, leaving me with a blank face!

3. Drive my brother home. I asked him: Do you have the money to take a bus? This product actually said to me: How can a man not wear a card! Only you can make the bus card fresh and refined.

After graduating from college, I always thought I was a talent and didn't go to the talent market to find a job. I think the company should come to me, so I stayed at home. Dad said to me at work this morning: talents go to the talent market, not talents don't go, you know. I thought for a moment, broke a sentence, and then went to look for a job in a proper way.

5, quarreling with my girlfriend, lying in bed at night, my girlfriend angered: I don't want to see your face for a minute now, and disappear immediately. Boyfriend: How to disappear. Girlfriend: Lights out.

6. Didn't you say that we will be husband and wife in the next life? I want a daughter too. I wonder what our daughter will be like in the next life. It is said that my daughter was a lover in her last life, so I …… Wife: Dad, is this an excuse for you to find a lover?

7. Tonight I asked my boyfriend: Dear, what is death? He looked at me and said, you are a fat woman, fat and ugly, and you love to be spoiled. Who gives you confidence? Honey, come and talk!

8. Recently, the iPhone6 is very popular, and friends around me always complain that my girlfriend asked me to send the iPhone 6. Personally, I think it's just a mobile phone. Give it to your girlfriend. Why? Isn't it just a few thousand dollars? Is it necessary to make such a fuss? Send it to your girlfriend if she likes it. I don't have a girlfriend anyway.

9. Girlfriend: Honey, do you really like me? Boyfriend: Really. Girlfriend: Then why do you like me? Boyfriend: Because there is no choice.

10, an old man went to town and saw young girls in the street wearing sexy clothes, so he could go back and brag to his wife. My wife was furious after hearing this. You don't think about me at all. Grandpa said, why not? I spit at the thought of you and was fined five dollars.

1 1. A nursing student drew my blood and stuck several needles in my arm, but no blood vessels were found. But this little girl is so calm and serious, and she has the meaning of stabbing blood vessels and not giving up. After a dozen stitches, I endured severe pain and asked the little nurse in awe: Did you learn this stitch from Sister Rong?

12, marriageable age, always wanted to get married. A best friend is the same age as me, but she doesn't want to get married. She asked her why. She told me with a sad face: because I thought I would have children when I got married, I would give him half of the snacks when I gave birth. I can't stand it. It hurts to think about it!

13, I just took the bus and the girl sitting next to me fell asleep. The girl is beautiful and sleeps soundly. I suddenly felt sorry for jade, thinking that it would be bad if there was any noise to wake the girl up at this time. So I opened his bag, took her cell phone, turned it off, put it in my bag and got off. If people can be so considerate of each other, how wonderful the world will be!

14, the golden retriever's hind legs at home are almost catching up with adults. Just now, I took that idiot shopping. He stood up quietly when I was not looking and took the cake from my sister. My sister looked back at the scenery, ate the cake, and then saw a big dog's head side by side with her.

15, working late into the night, exhausted, rushed to the empty stairwell to sing: beyond that mountain, beyond the sea, there are a group of Smurfs! Suddenly, a sad voice came from downstairs: they are bitter and clever, working overtime until dawn!