Prioritizing boys over girls: I have always been extremely emotionally unstable, and my interpersonal relationships were once in a mess.

I always feel relieved every time I hear my mother hang up the phone angrily.

I am a girl from Shandong. In the past two years, everyone's understanding of Shandong has become more and more labeled, and what I want to say is that the labeling is correct. Those old pedants in Shandong are just bureaucrats, they are patriarchal, they are pitiful and hateful. I hope this group of people will disappear soon and leave the world to upright young people. In the past two years since I started working, my family has tried to ease their relationship with me countless times. I'm really sorry. I don't need it and I won't need it in the future.

Growing up, I never attended cram schools or interest classes, never bought extracurricular textbooks, and listened to my parents quarreling over tuition fees. I only bought clothes twice a year and they never fit, and I never had any pocket money. Money, I have never eaten out except for events, my parents who suffer from rhinitis all the time do not take me to the hospital for medical treatment, and I am also disliked, banned from socializing, and have no friends. If my family was really poor, I would admit it.

When I was in college, I only had 3,200 yuan for living expenses per semester and was asked where the money was spent. My dad generously spent 3,600 yuan to renew an interest class that my younger brother clearly stated that he had no time to attend. When I was a kid, I would shuttle between dormitories and express collection points in the scorching sun in order to earn a few dollars for running errands. Growing up, the disagreements with my brother were always my fault; I have washed clothes, brushed shoes, and cleaned the house by myself since I was a child, and my brother still doesn’t know how to use a washing machine after graduating from high school; I wash the dishes and mop the floor at home, even if The college entrance examination was the next day; because I thought it would be troublesome, I was not allowed to apply for boarding at the best high school in the city, but instead sent my brother hundreds of miles away to study in Hengshui; my brother wanted to go out to play with classmates, and my family gave me tens and hundreds of dollars. .

There are so many things like this that I have forgotten many of them because it will always make me sad to think about them. So poor memory has become my instinct, but it has gotten better in the past two years. If I'm really bad, I'll admit it. I have been the teacher's pet since I was in kindergarten. I am recognized by my neighbors as a good girl. I am not ugly even if I don't say that I am good-looking. It’s hard for me to describe the feeling of watching my mother and my brother being so intimate, while I instinctively resisted all physical contact from outsiders. So much so that when I typed these words, although I no longer felt sad, tears still fell involuntarily.

When I was a kid, I said it would be great if I had a brother. My dad said, if I had your brother first, you wouldn’t be here. I said, can you please respect me? I am a human being after all. My dad said, you are nothing. The last time I tried to save the relationship, my dad said, you just have a mental problem. When I first started working, my hands were always tight, so I gritted my teeth and bought a pair of Nike shoes for my brother. I immediately got a call from my family: See what your brother needs and buy him more, but he doesn’t know how.

He won’t... Am I born with it... When I go out alone and it takes me a long time to muster up the courage to talk to others because I’m afraid of strangers, I carefully learn to talk to others because I have no friends all year round. When we were getting along, when I took the cheapest package for a whole semester because I was short of money, when I was wronged outside and cried in the quilt, where were you... In my diary, forever It’s a person. A person has a fever of 40 and a fever for 5 days in a rented house. A person goes to the hospital to hang up the water. After working overtime until late at night, he is worried that he is missing or dying suddenly on the subway. No one knows. A person celebrates his birthday alone. Eat, read, run, daze, or even wish yourself happiness alone.

I want to love them. I also need them to love me. After wandering alone in a foreign country for a long time, my heart finally became cold. I have never been able to forgive and I will never forgive them. I can't even agree with other people's kindness that "after all, they are your biological parents who raised you like this." Don't advise others to be kind if you haven't suffered from them, and I never advise others to be generous. I am not a stone-hearted person. On the contrary, I have a very strong emotional ability. I have been to teach in deep mountains and donated money to charity organizations. I have even caused some trouble for myself because I always understand the difficulties of others. I thank them for raising me, and I will fulfill my obligation to support them, but that’s where it ends.

I can no longer establish any emotional relationship with them. All those unforgettable things and words have created a mountain of fire between me and them. Whenever I am so forgetful that I am about to be shaken, the tattered little girl in my heart will raise her foot and trample on my numb nerves.

I always feel that people who have done something wrong should be punished. I don’t believe in the reincarnation of cause and effect, and I will pay it back to you in this life. Childish or not, I was happy but it had nothing to do with them. It was my last bit of stubbornness.

Everyone must be self-reliant and not rely on their family of origin (both financially and mentally) to have the possibility of starting over. Transformation is a particularly painful process, but don’t give up. Slowly growing up and getting better, the process may be embarrassing, but the result will not be disappointing. Many colleagues think that my tutor is very good. When I first heard this statement, I was excited for a long time. The imprint of my original family is really You can get rid of it, I hope everyone can become what they like.

My parents are from rural areas in southeastern Shandong Province. My grandma is almost 80 years old. She still doesn’t even eat on the table. The whole family can’t even put food on the table, so one person only serves rice and rice. I eat the food while sitting by the stove, because I have become accustomed to it over the years, and the custom of women not serving at the table has been engraved in my bones. My grandma passed away early. When she was still alive, I saw that her bound feet were extremely small and painful to look at because her fingers were completely misplaced and squeezed into a ball and it was hard to see what they were... She gave birth to 5 of my father's brothers. I have 3 sisters, and I think there are two who have not been fed...

Then every year when I go home to visit the grave, my dad always takes my younger brother with him, saying that he can’t bring girls, but I actually still have some feelings for my grandma. , my brother probably has almost no impression of grandma. My brother was only five or six years old when grandma left. Anyway, it is a very typical Shandong rural family. I believe that not all Shandong people are like this. I also believe that upright people will not be affected by labels. Those who rush to become mothers of two children in their early twenties, those who "what's the use of girls reading so many books" , "He is a boy, you can't argue with him", "What's the future of a girl", "If you study well now, you will definitely not be as good as a boy in the future when you go to junior high school/high school/university", those words have silently become something else. I looked at them as tools for boys to live a better life, and I gritted my teeth with hatred but could do nothing. My parents said that the house belonged to my brother and they didn't need me to be filial, but they turned around and asked me for money.

Because I am a girl, sooner or later it will be "water thrown out". Tell me, who has not heard of the saying "water thrown out by a married daughter"? So where does the inequality between men and women not exist? You yourself have been cared for and grown up by Haosheng. If you haven’t seen other people’s blood and tears with your own eyes, does that mean it doesn’t exist? Do you really know the people around you? I wish I could be slapped in the face if I put such a label, preferably swollen, bruised, or bleeding. At least there won't be so many girls who have to bear the fate of being discriminated against, working part-time, and being used as childbirth tools and full-time nannies. If this slap does not fall on my face, I hope that the whole society will spurn the behavior of "preferring boys over girls" and let the spitting stars crush those old feudal people who justly squeeze the girls at home. In the new year, I wish you to wake up early, Or, be buried early.

My parents have beaten me since I was a child, and ninety-nine times it was because I was in a bad mood. I am relatively precocious, and I know the truth. I will not admit anything I have done wrong even if I was beaten to death. So every time they beat me, they had to beat me for a whole day, making sure that I admit my mistakes and not cry, but I could just protest and cry for a whole day until I fell asleep. There was only one time when I was beaten without being unjustly accused, and I immediately apologized and promised that I would never do anything wrong again.

As for my brother...my dad even yelled at him with a smile on his face...Everyone in the street knew that there was a girl in my family who could cry very much. They even laughed at me about this when I went back to college. , I replied lightly: "Really? When I was young." In fact, I clearly remember that when I was a child, I squatted in the corner and cried, saying in my heart that I would leave this home and never come back.

Due to the influence of my parents, I was extremely emotionally unstable until college, and my interpersonal relationships were once in a mess. I relied on the tolerance of my classmates and friends to survive until now, and I am really grateful to them. Looking back, life is really not easy.