Joke Collection Website - Cold jokes - Li Shizhen, a funny joke.

Li Shizhen, a funny joke.

1 I think your menopause is not only advanced, but also accelerated.

Are you dissatisfied with the world by dressing like this?

Reality raped the past, leaving the seeds of evil, called memories.

I didn't say you are shameless, I said shameless people are just like you.

5 fakes are fakes, and xiaosan is also a bargain _ goods!

Men are all lower-body animals. Those men keep telling you that they will give you happiness all your life, but in fact they will give you happiness in the lower body.

You have a personality, but your personality is still so bad.

I don't even believe in punctuation.

The typical sign of being single is that the one-month traffic package is long gone, and more than half of the call package is left.

10 money is not a problem, the problem is no money.

1 1 Either love me or leave me alone.

12 Please don't harass, I am harassing others.

13 prison will not fail, and I will not learn well. I didn't go home until the prison collapsed. Detention is nothing, education has nothing to fear. Sentence is a bird, you will be a lifetime pension. Shoot and pull it down.

14 I never lie, except this sentence.

15 Me Before You, my world is black and white. After I met you, oh, Meg. utter darkness

16 Look at beautiful women in the street. If you look up, you appreciate them. If you look down, you are hooligans.

17 how many students lost to the last part of the text: reciting the whole text.

A man's pain is like a woman's breast. The bigger, the more attractive. The bigger you are, the more you should cherish it.

19 when we learn bird language, we can only achieve positive results if we learn to be a bird man. . .

I really want to make money into my hobby.

2 1 There are only two things I can't do in my life: neither this nor that.

If fate grabs you by the neck, then you grab it by the armpit.

Tonight, let's use the cold war to keep warm!

Looking at your photo, I want to hang it on the wall in black and white.

Twenty-five people can't hang from a tree. Try to die several times in several nearby trees.

Mixed society is a physical activity, paying attention to four lessons: flash and prance.

Hum, the most rogue in winter, always likes to freeze my hands and feet.

I really want to call you grandpa myself: Dad.

Actually, my hair is longer than my nipples.

I'm sorry to make you laugh.

3 1 I'm not a bone. I can't let every dog run after me.

Honey, I'm three months pregnant, but don't worry, it's not yours and you're not responsible.

The ideal of meat is the life of Chinese cabbage.

As soon as you go out, there are no birds in the mountains and no footprints in the thousands of roads.

I'm embarrassed to arrest you. How dare you steal?

Bad guys need strength, and scum needs taste more.

Don't tell jokes at the seaside, it will make the sea laugh.

When life turned everything into black humor with malice, I went with the flow and turned myself into a hooligan with higher education.

The wind is rustling and the water is cold. If you owe money, you have to pay it back.

How to lose weight if you don't have enough food?

4 1 If life is a movie, then you are a pop-up advertisement.

It's not that the road is rough, but that you can't.

We are like two parallel lines that can never intersect, but one day the parallel lines will bend.

Prices are rising so fast that I always pay in advance when I eat in restaurants.

I never bully the weak ~ ~ ~ I didn't know he was weaker than me before I bullied him.

46 girls. Where are so many white horses? Find a donkey to make do, don't wait until one day all the donkeys are taken away, leaving a pile of mules. ...

Not acceptable, at least tolerable.

48-year-old man, handsome boy.

Kindness means I don't eat meat when others are hungry, biaji.

Only the fakes are real, and everything else is fake.

5 1 I admire myself so much that sometimes I kowtow to myself when I look in the mirror!

Every time I see a handsome guy, I always feel a little guilty and always think about how to have something to do with him. . .

I'm a heavy boy, and I'm going to ban coke and drink urgent syrup instead.

There have been no mice in the house since her photo was hung. When the mouse looked at the little eye, it recognized its relatives.

All unforgettable love is the moment when the soul drifts in bed.

Time is like cleavage, there will always be squeezing;

The generation gap is like cleavage. You don't know how deep it is until you plunge into it.

Personality is like cleavage, you can only see part of others;

Luxury goods are like cleavage, you can only watch them;

But cleavage is not TV. Don't stare all the time.

Shocking 56 quotations

I chose a mobile phone, thinking of returning it to the owner, so I found a number in his mobile phone and called it (the owner's sister). When the other party got through, I said, what's up, brother? I said, are you the sister of the owner of this mobile phone? I found your brother's cell phone! She listened and said, oh, wait a minute. Then I hung up. In about two minutes. The phone rang, and as soon as I answered it, I heard that the other person was a woman and said, brother, you found your mobile phone.

There are two buddies walking together, one says he is handsome and the other stays.

Two beautiful women are discussing what cosmetics have the best whitening effect in the elevator. At the same time, there was a black man beside him, listening silently. Suddenly the black man said to the two beautiful women, "It's no use! I tried, it's useless! "

The tiger king and the lion king were drinking in a bar and crying after drinking. Then the fox waiter came over and asked, "Why are the two big brothers so sad?" "The lion king patted the fox and pointed to the tiger king and said," There is a tigress in his house and a lion in Hedong in my house. Brother, how did you spend your life? "Hearing this, the fox immediately burst into tears and said with grievances:" Two big brothers, my fox is not at ease! "

The cook said kindly to the pig, "How do you want to be eaten?" Don't be afraid, let a hundred flowers blossom, a hundred schools of thought contend and speak freely. "pig:" actually ... I don't want to be eaten. Chef: "Look, that's not the point, is it? "Pig: ..."

One day, a mm and her husband went to the fish market to buy fish. The husband asked, do you want a turtle? No. Want a small fish? No. So what do you want? Mm: I want to raise small animals that can interact with me and listen to me. Husband: Let's go home. You can only support me.

What animal likes to stick on the wall? Answer: Seal (poster)

Today, the uncle in the reception office shouted to me, "XX, there is a ticket for you!" " "I'm so excited to hear that. I thought I had 20xx saved. Show it to me. I drew an X, which is a call …

A thief sneaked into a heavily guarded place in the middle of the night. After opening the vault with great difficulty, he found it was full of jelly. The tired and hungry thief ate all the jelly in a rage and left. The headline of the local newspaper the next day was: "Shocked! Sperm bank was stolen crazily.

Zhuge Liang knew before his death that Wei Yan would turn against him and secretly told Ma Dai to kill Wei Yan. Shu generals are full of talents, but Ma Dai's martial arts is not high. Why did Zhuge Liang insist on finding Ma Dai to shoulder this heavy responsibility? Because, Ma Dai, Lin is good at Wei Yan.

Who is KIA's sworn enemy? Nokia. because

When I went out of the dormitory to check the school badge in the morning, a roommate was stopped to sign it without it. So he wrote: Liu Bei ... "Classmate, please be serious!" The students calmly crossed out "Liu Bei" and changed it to: Liu Xuande.

A mm, QQ automatic reply after leaving for a period of time is very simple "No!" So this chat record appeared: Are you there? Not here! Is it really not here? I didn't ask you anything. Oh, is your first kiss still there? Not here! Huh? Do you still have your first night? Not here! Do you still have virginity? Not here! Hey, you've gone too far. Do you still have shame? Not here! Mm and then change to automatic reply.

Yesterday, the company gave zongzi to employees. Today, a foreign employee came to work. When they met, they said to the company's administrative manager, "The Chinese dim sum that the company sent yesterday was delicious, but the lettuce outside was a little hard." Then he added: It has dental floss on it, which is very sweet. ...

When I was a member of QQ, the function of' group' came into being. I think this should be the same as grouping, which is convenient for managing friends, so I built a' mm' group and added all the MM with good relationship, ambiguity and logo ... and then I was miserable.

Xiao Ming returned to the classroom after going to the toilet and said to the teacher, there are many ants in the toilet. The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant for ants, so he tested Xiaoming: What did ants say? Xiaoming looked blank ... and said, Ant, he didn't say anything. ...

In the morning, I said, "The elevator is open." Just like a microwave oven. "The colleague replied," Yes, and then a group of half-baked people came out. "

Once upon a time, a boy told his mother: I want to eat clay pot rice. The next day, Cai died.

It is said that the marriage between fifty cents and fifty cents is the strongest, because they can come together.

When I took a taxi in the morning, I heard Christine introduce herself on the radio ... "Hello, I'm Christine, Christine." Then the driver popped up: "I k, I can be a star these days ~"

Math teacher: "you are so stupid, and your IQ is negative." My IQ is one hundred times that of you! " ! ! Quotations from Weibo

On the wedding night, Liu Bei smirked at his wife and said, "It's time for the second child to play!" "Suddenly, Guan Yu broke into the house and shouted," Thank you, big brother! "Then he said," I want to show you my brother's strength! Baoyu said, "Just then, Zhang Feiyue came in through the window and called," Thanks, Second Brother. " "。

A man and a tiger were tied to two big trees, and there was a candle under the rope that tied the tiger. If the rope is burned, the tiger will eat the man. As a result, the man said a word and was not eaten by the tiger? He said, "Happy birthday! ! "The tiger blew out the candle.

Hold a party, and our program is the chorus "We are All Family". Before taking the stage, my brother encouraged everyone to say, "You should be as calm as me, and don't be nervous." As a result, more than a dozen people took to the stage with neat steps. Brother personally announced the curtain call: "Give a chorus for everyone. The title of the song is "Our family is all human". "

My wife and I went to Yuanmingyuan, entered the maze and went out. "Go with the old man, I feel that he knows better ~ ~" So he went with the old man, and after a while ... the old man climbed over the wall.

Q: Who has the flattest chest in fairy tales? Little Red Little Red Riding Hood asked: Why? A: Because her grandmother was eaten by a wolf.

When the United Nations holds a general meeting, all the delegates present want to speak. The chairman of the meeting is an Englishman. When everyone was fighting for the right to speak, the Japanese raised their hands! The chairman said: it can be said! Japan said a lot of nonsense. But the chairman said, can you speak English? The Japanese said: I'm just speaking English! The Japanese continued to talk ... then the chairman said, can you stand up and talk? The Japanese said: I stand up! 、

An American, visiting China, was accidentally led into a ditch by the side of the road and said angrily that in the United States, red flags would be erected in dangerous places to remind him! The tour guide smiled: didn't you see it when you entered the country?

"I had an operation," a man said to his friend, "but the doctor left a sponge in my stomach." "Isn't that hard?" "No, I just feel thirsty all the time."

A man limped into the hospital and said to the nurse, "Please put me in a third-class ward. I am poor. " "Nobody helped you?" The nurse asked. "no! I only have one sister, a nun and very poor. " Hearing this, the nurse said angrily, "The nun is very rich. Because she married God. " "Ok, just put me in the special ward and send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Driving my wife to work one day, I saw a Jetta on the way. My brother, a very cool man, is smoking on the door. There is a car license plate on the front windshield with two words written on it. Only the first word "country" can be seen clearly. I muttered: What "country" is this? The wife, who was watching a cold joke, said without looking up, "The country is enough!" " "

Legend has it that the Weaver Maid got to know the Cowherd after only one bath, and interpreted a touching and earth-shattering love story. This incident tells us that lesbians will never have a chance to take a bath at home, so they must take a bath outside.

I bought a big plush toy for mm and wanted to give her a surprise. I was deliberately late for dinner and suddenly appeared behind her to give her a present. She looked at it happily for a while and suddenly asked me, "How much is it?" I said, "How much do you pay?" She said, "Who gave it to you …" I said, "How much do you ask …" My ex-boyfriend gave me the same one to see if it was too expensive … "

One day, when Big Brother stopped to go out, he heard a conversation between two young people behind him. One of them said, "Look, wow, Phaeton!" Eldest brother is at ease, and finally someone knows the goods. Just when he was happy, he heard another young man say, "Fuck, there is really an SB to buy."

The drunk came home and said to his wife, "This house is haunted!" The wife was surprised and asked, How did you see that? The drunk said: As soon as I pull the door of the bathroom, the light comes on, and the evil wind blows hard! His wife slapped him: You peed in the refrigerator again.

Raising fish is very troublesome. I have to change the water once a week, which I often forget. Then I have to change the fish once a week.

A group of people are loitering in the International Trade Center. They are hungry. One person suggested that it was not easy to visit the Imperial City. He tried the official dishes and then took out his iphone. He was overjoyed for a while and said that there was a restaurant called Xiaowangfu nearby, and its name should be good. Then everyone ran excitedly. After sitting down, he found that "Wang Xiao's home" was written on the tableware.

Wife: Will we have three children in the future? Husband: Alas, two is enough? Wife: Three! Husband: No, two! Wife: I said three, three! Husband: I want to have my second child ligated! Wife: Well, I hope you love your third child too.

One day, an underage child asked his father a question when everyone was eating at a party: "Dad, guess a riddle, saying that a man took fifty cents to fuck three women." What do you think is the mathematical symbol of this event? " Everyone thought for a long time, some said "question mark" and some said "exclamation point"! When everyone was thinking hard, the waiter suddenly said "absolute value"!

One day, the pig said to the bear, "Guess how many sweets are in my pocket?" The bear said, "That's right. Can you give it to me?" The pig must nod: "well, I guess I'll give it to you two!" " "The bear swallowed and said," I guess there are five pieces. "

The reporter interviewed the director of the mental hospital, how to make sure that the patient has been cured and can be discharged. The dean said, it's very simple. Fill the bathtub with water, put a spoon next to it, and ask to empty the bathtub. The reporter said: Oh! I see. Normal people can use spoons. The dean said: No, normal people will unplug the bathtub.

When winter came, my husband looked for a sweater, and my wife said, I washed it and gave it to my brother. Looking for woolen pants again, my wife said: I washed them and gave them to my brother; The husband is angry: You can wash me for your sister.

Brother Penguin is dating Sister Penguin. Brother Penguin dressed up and wore a straight suit in order to make a good impression on his sister Penguin. Sister Penguin saw it and slapped her brother Penguin in the face: "Shit, let you be a member! Shit, let you be a member! ! "

When the husband turned on the light, he accidentally left his handprint on the newly painted wall. The next day, my wife called the painter: I want you to see the place my husband touched last night. The painter fainted when he sprayed nosebleeds.

Why is the sea blue? Because a fish swims in the water, it spits bubbles, blue … blue … blue …

When I was a child, I listened to the story of Dayu's water control. I think Dayu is great. He devoted himself to water control 13 years and didn't enter the house three times. During this period, his wife Tu Shanshi gave birth to a big fat man Qi, and Dayu didn't even look at it. Looking back now, I always feel that there are subtle contradictions in some places in this story.

There is a football match on TV, and the players are entering the stadium. The wife put down the newspaper and watched TV for a while. She said to her husband, "The newspaper says that some players and their wives have chaotic private lives. Today, this is true. " The husband said, "That's off-site. What can you see on the court? " The wife pointed at the TV and said, "Look at these players and their children. None of them look alike. "

Give pear hall a real company: stop treating monkeys in Dongwuyuan, and be sure to make it ugly. On the first day, Ann ate ribs and threw up. The next day, you took the ribs, the ground was full of wine, and the monkey spit it out.

When I first entered school, the whole class began to introduce themselves, what was their name and what they liked. A male student stepped onto the platform: "My name is Wang, I come from a city, and I like playing chess!" " "I say that finish, just go on. It happened that the next girl was a girl. It's time for Nv Jiao to go shyly to the podium and defend himself with trepidation: "I ... My name is Shakuyaku ..." The voice just fell and there was a dead silence. Then the whole class burst into laughter

The passenger ship was sinking, and the leader grabbed a life jacket. The secretary reminded me: Director, there are still girls in the car. The leader is angry: What time is it, still thinking about that?

Wukong is sucking on the ground with a magnet. Friar Sand asked, Brother, what are you looking for? Wukong: Hey! I dropped my golden hoop, and it didn't take long to grow!

My deskmate said to me, "I met a very bad thing!" " "I asked," what is it? " He replied, "One day I dreamed that I was taking an exam." I said, "nightmare, nothing. "He continued," Then I woke up and found that I was really taking an exam! " "Me:" ... "

Confucius, Mencius and Laozi all slept in the pigsty at the same time and found that the sow was pregnant. According to the DNA test, this is definitely not Confucius or Mencius. Excuse me, who did it?

There was a kissing scene on TV, and the father asked his son to pour a glass of water. Soon, there was a kissing scene on TV. Dad asked his son to pour another glass of water. The son asked, Dad, are you thirsty at the sight of someone kissing?

I caught a cold when I was a soldier, so I went to the health team for an intravenous drip. I was told by the soldiers of the same year that Li Shizhen was on duty, and I was overjoyed. I thought it would be nice to be given a needle by Li Shizhen, but I didn't know I would have to endure six needles in the end. So I berated my comrades-in-arms and told them that it would be good for this doctor to give at least ten injections to patients, hence the name Li Shizhen. I was lucky enough to get six injections.

Shocking 55 classic quotations

1 If you are a flower, cows will not dare to shit in the future!

The world belongs to us and our sons, but in the end it belongs to our grandchildren.

After breaking up, I want nothing. I just hope that every woman in your future is not as good as one. . .

As a great man, Marx left us with foaming Marxism and calloused papers. Qu Yuan left, but he left us a three-day holiday.

Or China people love China people. Whoever ignores me again, I will tell him a story: once upon a time, there was a man who didn't like talking to me and died the next day.

My website, you are the landlord.

I not only have a car, but also do it myself.

It's not that I don't want to lose weight, I'm just afraid of rebounding.

No matter how high the grade is, I am afraid that the kitchen knife and clothes will be hung again and a brick will fall.

10 Be a man with a conscience and find a woman with temperament.

1 1 Believe it or not, I slapped you on the wall and couldn't take it off! ...

The signature of 12 changes every day. It's free anyway.

13 others review books, and they will understand when they look at them. I will pass when I look at them.

14 Don't talk to me about feelings. Talking about feelings hurts money.

15 The brain is the noblest organ-because it tells you.

When is the bright moon on 16? See for yourself.

17 Our goal: Look at money and earn more.

18 Happiness is a comparative level. You can't feel it until something is at the bottom.

19 people are parallel imports, but their hearts are licensed.

Women are made of water, men are made of mud, and Li Junji and Chris Lee are made of cement.

2 1 Once I was on the street, a group of girls stopped me. They said I was handsome, but when I denied it, they hit me and called me hypocritical.

You are not mainstream! Your home is not mainstream! Your mother's socks! Your dad's tin foil paper head!

As long as the sunrise appears before sunset, as long as the class arrives before class.

Who is whose husband? All fucking temporary workers!

Secret love is a successful pantomime, and when it is said, it becomes a tragedy!

Born down and out, the five elements are short of money.

If something goes wrong, look for the reason from yourself first. Don't blame the earth for its lack of gravity when you are constipated.

28 stands higher and urinates farther.

I think a lot, but I feel a lot.

There is a person who will never know that you are his father if you don't CTM.

3 1 A wife is like a gun, reminding you at any time that if you have an affair, I will shoot you.

A tailor who doesn't want to be a cook is not a good driver.

I have passed a person countless times, and my clothes have been scratched without sparks.

Bitch is always a bitch, even if the economic crisis, you can't be expensive!

35 disgusting mother cried very sadly, why? Because it's disgusting

Do you know what is the most painful thing in a man's life?

No wife. Do you know what is more painful for men? Had a daughter-in-law, and ran away with others. What I can't put down now is chopsticks, but what I can't get out is the quilt.

I'm not a fortune teller in the square, so I can't say so much as you like.

39. One short step makes a long regret.

My schizophrenia has been cured. Now I and I are fine.

4 1 looks like a car accident scene!

When a man meets a woman, there is only an anniversary, not an independence day.

43 words is not surprising, and death is not shameful.

In this age of promiscuity, a dear is at best a hello!

You after 45, heart after 80, face after 70.

Cover your crotch. Respect other people's crotch.

You have a great figure. Even the Monkey King will give you three sticks when he sees you.

If there is no health insurance and life insurance, don't try to be brave after dark.

I prefer to watch Huo Ying endure it, because a village of Japanese people will die as soon as they die.

Put away your love, I'm tired of pretending.

5 1 Say that women are clothes and big sister is a brand that you can't afford to wear.

No amount of water will make you feel lonely.

The real warrior dares to face up to the beautiful girl and the bleak singles.

If you look like a steamed stuffed bun, don't blame the dog for following.

Yesterday at noon, I received a short message: Please deposit the money into this account XXX. I'll come back in half an hour: I have credited 5000 yuan, please check it. The next day, I received: I have been to the bank three times, you liar.

55 classic shocking quotations _ shocking sentences _ too funny