Stay up late on 202 1-06-30 (you can tell when you are sad)

I have another interview this afternoon. If the interview in the morning gave me a little surprise, this one in the afternoon really threw a cold water on me.

The company interviewed this afternoon is actually not big. Because it is not big, I can meet people who are closer to management or even the boss. So the interviewer of this interview is directly the shareholder boss of this interview company. I always introduce myself when I go in for the first time, and then ask other questions after the introduction. He asked me what I thought I was good at. Because my last job as a sales assistant was that both the purchasing side and the client side were in contact, I naturally thought that he was asking about these two aspects, so I said this was ok, because I did both.

He was disappointed, helpless and speechless. I asked what you think you are good at, not these two.

I actually can't answer, because I'm actually in a very confused and closed state. Later, he simply asked me which to choose between the purchase order and the customer, and I still said no problem. He acted even more helpless, and his expression seemed to be that I was too tired, and I was exhausted after listening to another sentence.

I saw him like this, so I answered, I'll choose one. I may prefer the interior, that is, the procurement.

As a result, he said: well, needless to say.

If it weren't for me, I would be very talkative. It is estimated that this interview will be over soon. I don't remember what I said either. He looked at me and continued to chat with me for a while.

He asked me: What are you doing in Shenzhen?

I replied: make money.

He said: since we want to make money, the position of assistant is obviously not suitable. Do you know how much business you have in a month? How much can an assistant get if he works again? I relaxed the requirement for our company to find a business assistant to 45 years old, with a high school education (I applied for a PM assistant, which is more business-oriented and diligent). You know the position of sales assistant is a very junior position. Do you think it will last long? Do you know that this position only recruits people under 35? So what on earth are you doing in Shenzhen?

In fact, he hit the nail on the head. In more than a dozen interviews in the past half month, this is actually the main problem. But half a month ago, I really couldn't figure out what I really wanted. But after this short period of time, although the number of interviews did not reach dozens or hundreds, it was enough for me, and I found that I might still want to go back to my hometown. In fact, before I left my last job, I was very resistant to going back to my hometown. I hate that he is too old-fashioned and backward. I feel that there is no place to be fun and boring, not as fun as Shenzhen, not as busy and noisy as Shenzhen, convenient and young, and so on. But in the short fifteen days after I left my job, there was no one to say about my grievances in the interview. I am so lonely and sad that none of my friends go out for a drink. Can't stop the anxiety of not having a job, let yourself have a good rest for a while and then look for it. There is not much savings to eliminate concerns, take your time to find it.

My material desires are really weak in my own opinion. Eating a meal is always roast duck rice. I don't like and don't want to drink milk tea. I dare not and don't want to go to the mall to buy clothes. Even if you visit Taobao, it's just closed. Because I had nothing since I was a child, I was insulted by my grandmother when I went back to Guangxi to eat white rice. Under this influence, the pursuit of material is not a reverse desire, but a habit of assimilating pessimism and depression. When I was in college, there were the least things in my dormitory, m-girls. My desk is empty. There is a bottle of water and a bottle of milk. The drawer is full of empty boxes and bottles that I don't want to throw away. At present, the most is some miscellaneous things and a small pile of cheap clothes.

Studying and working outside is doomed to be more lonely and helpless, and there is no valuable bag. Only injustice, loneliness, helplessness, etc. What you have suffered is valuable. Even if I think these are valuable, I still don't have much ambition for money, I don't have that great persistence in taking root in Shenzhen, and I don't have the pursuit of meeting people. I dare not think about getting married at all, let alone the next generation. In fact, it can be seen that even though my childhood growth experience was unsatisfactory and my family conditions were so poor, I still raised such a self-motivated and mediocre me, instead of trying to completely change my destiny and make money without fear.

There is nothing bumpy or special about my school life. When I was a child, I stayed in my mother's hometown (a mountainous area in Hubei) for two years, and my grandmother took me. At that time, the mountain conditions were poor and there were no preschool classes. I just used a classroom for my first and second grades. One side of the classroom is the first grade and the other side is the second grade. A teacher changes to the second grade after finishing the first grade. I was a senior one there, then I went to Guangdong to study senior one to senior five, then I went back to Guangxi to study for the college entrance examination, and then I chose to study at Hubei University. Actually, I just wandered around a few places, not to mention the ups and downs. A long time ago, I used this old story to try to arouse others' sympathy, accept myself, make friends with myself and be gentle with myself. Later, I found out that this actually pushed people further, so I rarely took it out. During the interview this afternoon, I mentioned my schooling experience flatly. I didn't want to say anything at first, but I didn't know what would help me, so I took it out and said it. As a result, he directly replied to me: Do you think you are special? Are you wronged? A lot of people do. I want to say that I may have felt it before, but I really can't feel it now. Maybe I still feel uncomfortable when I am weak, but I won't take it out for sympathy or something.

I remember the best time my grandmother took me. My mother said that I stayed there for more than two and a half years, and my grandmother made me fat for nothing. And I didn't go to Guangdong until I was seven years old, so I guess I was brought up by my grandmother when I was about four years old. Because my mother is my grandmother's eldest daughter, my aunt was not married at that time, and my uncle was still studying, so I became the most favored baby. There are not many things in the memory, but it is the only memory that has not had a painful time.

I remember my grandmother and my mother told me that once my mother went to Guangdong that day, I cried and pulled my mother not to let her go. During the nap, I naively said that she couldn't slip away with one eye open, but I still fell asleep. When I woke up, she and my aunt had already left. I cried loudly and sadly, out of breath. My grandmother was so distressed that she walked back and forth behind my back for a long time At first, she cried, and when she was tired, she sobbed. When they talked about this, I did have some impressions. I still remember that my mother tried to sneak out of the side door, and I caught her, so they switched to sleep. The memory of those two years is the best in the past. I remember my parents, neighbors, brothers and sisters who loved me, the natural birds and flowers, many fireflies in the countryside, loaches in rice fields and so on. I still remember helping my grandmother pick tea, dig wild vegetables, accompany my grandparents to farm and fry tea, and being scolded by my grandmother for catching loach in the fields with my neighbors, brothers, sisters and friends. At that time, my grandfather loved to buy me a black and white TV. I watched the early version of the Monkey King many times, and drew many friends to show off. My uncle comes back from school occasionally and brings me many books from his collection. Grandma helped me take a bath and rub the mud, and said with distress, why is this boy so muddy? After school, grandma got up early to prepare noodles and homemade salted duck eggs, and gave her pocket money. When I came back from school, grandma watched me write and count. At that time, she praised my beautiful handwriting. I still remember my grandfather taking me to the street. There is a car with a tiger locked in the street, and many people look around. I am afraid and happy to lie on my grandfather's shoulder and say, Grandpa, look, tiger, tiger. Grandpa likes to say it's scary, and it scares me when I get close. These are not fabricated, they are actually in my mind. I learned later that this is my best memory.

On the day my father asked me to go to Guangdong, my grandmother cried, and I couldn't bear to part with her. So they were separated by my mother. I didn't know separation could last so long. Since I went to Guangdong at the age of seven, it's hard to go back to my grandmother's house in senior two. I don't know why it took me so long to go back. I still can't figure it out. My mother said that my father wouldn't let me go to Hubei for so long, for fear that my relatives in Hubei would force me to stay there. My mother would easily run away without me as a bargaining chip, and my father dared not go to Hubei because he owed money to his relatives in Hubei. He also said that there was no money and the fare was too expensive. When I went back to my sophomore year, my aunt paid the fare. My mother said that my grandma and grandpa miss me too much. My kind grandfather used to be my father's servant, helping his relatives in Hubei. His trust in him was insulted and trampled on the ground. I remember my mother said that once the construction site was far away, my father actually rode a motorcycle in front of my grandfather without him. This is what my indomitable grandfather told my mother a long time later. I keep this matter in mind, and I can't do it now. When I think of that scene and other things, I love my grandfather and hate my father. Why? I was in tears when I wrote this letter. There's really no way. Why did it become like this later? I remember less about those five years in Guangdong, as if I had been automatically blocked by my brain. I can't even think about it now. The memory of five years is not as profound as that of two and a half years, but some memories are still being lost.

I spent five years in Lizhidun, futian town, Boluo County, Huizhou City, Guangdong Province. From grade one to grade five. At that time, the development of Guangdong was much better than that of other places, because I began to learn English in the third grade. In Guangxi, when I returned to grade two or three, primary schools began to learn English. Looking back on these five years now, I feel that there are no memories, and more are still unbearable. It seems that all the locals there know my dad, because my dad was a contractor and there were houses all around. At that time, building a house was just emerging, and business was actually very good. The locals call me Zhong Da, Ni Ling and Zhong Zi Ge. Hakka is spoken there. When I was a child, I learned dialects quickly, and I soon became fluent in Hakka. So is my father and my brother. My mother can't learn anything except what she said in her hometown in Hubei. Sometimes I laugh at her, but more often I think my mother is cruel and cute.

Not all local people are good, and all the local friends my father made have become a scourge. My dad didn't know until the end that people looked down on him at all and kept taking him as a joke behind his back. Before he was down and out, he gambled, ate, drank and had fun with his friends, pigs and dogs until he had nothing. But there are also good aspects. My mother said that the old couple next door are very nice. They work in the vegetable market and occasionally bring some vegetables to my mother. They also sent us vegetables when our family finally stayed in Guangdong and had no money to eat. There is also an uncle who kills pigs. At that time, under the care of my grandmother, my mouth was particularly sweet, and everyone was called mom and uncle. They all like me very much. After the uncle who killed the pig knew that our family was in such a difficult situation, he didn't care about the pork money he owed. I remember that hard time, eating bitter gourd and fried pork at home for many days. My father sipped a few dollars of soju and looked sad. I asked him why he didn't eat vegetables, and he said let me eat. During the Spring Festival that year, he sat on a low bamboo stool and was buried in his knees. He cried bitterly in the living room and said that he was useless. Soft-hearted mother still held him to comfort him. Actually, I was very sad at the time. I feel sorry for him, but I don't know why I hate him. I also hate it when my mother comforts him like this. I blame my mother for being too soft-hearted. At that time, I slept in bed and watched them secretly, crying and resisting, and my heart seemed to be in harmony with fire and water. I don't know what that feels like.

Too many things happened before our family was so embarrassed. As far as I can remember, I lived in old houses rented by local people, tile houses.

The tile house where I used to live in Guangdong is next to a canteen. I seem to have lost a lot of memories during this time, but I always remember a family of five in the canteen, an elderly grandmother, the boss's wife and their daughters and granddaughters. Both the boss and the proprietress have some buckteeth, so does their daughter, but their granddaughter doesn't. Are kind and simple. The canteen has two floors and two rooms near the road. The big ones are used as canteens to sell snacks and daily necessities, and the small ones are used as houses. There is a hall and a mahjong table far from the road, on the second floor. There is an empty place next to the hall for raising geese. At that time, there were many geese croaking every day, and the smell of goose excrement was quite strong, but no one ever disliked it, and I never disliked it, except my dad, who said it was too noisy and smelly and moved to the old house tile house where Uncle Pig was killed. I also heard the boss's daughter-in-law call the goose to eat. My mother often likes to play mahjong in this canteen, because the boss and proprietress never play big games, just gamble a little and don't smoke much. They are very nice.

The boss's daughter is not so beautiful, but she is gentle and kind and patient with her children. She also let my sister and I sleep in the main room on the second floor and spread the mat on the ground to play with me, my sister and her daughter. She is very good at drawing. I remember once showing a portrait of a beautiful girl she drew. At that time, I admired and liked her. Her daughter is lovely, too. I can't remember her name, but I will never forget her daughter's name. Her name is Binbin. Later, I heard that they also had very painful things, and I felt sorry for them. The old woman was taken care of by her younger son, the eldest brother, by other brothers. The couple never cried and shirked because they were tired of taking care of the elderly who could not take care of themselves, but silently. Their daughter met a smelly man and gave birth to Binbin. Binbin divorced at the age of five or six and married a foreign man. His wife was unreliable. I met that man from other places. He seems to have had competition and communication with my dad at work. His wife is beautiful, but she likes gambling. She can't take care of children and cook. I heard that I was good at gambling until I bought pork in the morning and let my daughter starve at home. I don't know whether the rumor is true or not, but I know that gambling should be true, because I have seen her in a local gambling place. So the two divorced, and a good woman and a good man came together because of responsibility. I'm so happy for them. Our daughters changed from good friends to real sisters.

Later, I moved to Uncle Zhu's house, and too many things happened at home. My mother is young for a long time. My father met my mother in the factory before making mud and took a fancy to her. She was deceived by sweet words. Naive mother heard that people much older than herself would hurt women, so she accepted my father and was cheated by him. My mother said that when she was young, the threshold of her hometown would be broken by the matchmaker, but she was willful. My grandmother respected my mother's opinion and refused many times, which offended many matchmakers. I ended up with my dad, the monster. My father told my mother how rich my fourth uncle was and used the prestige of others as a bargaining chip. My old grandparents know that my father is a thief and say that other people's affairs have nothing to do with us, but my mother is really too simple, and my grandparents are gentle, kind and simple. With me behind me, my dad's face is exposed. After experiencing a lot of things that my father was beyond normal people, my mother made a cruel decision to abandon me and break up with my father, but my father said that he would take me to jump off a building with him, threatened me with death and wrote a long threatening letter to my grandparents. I learned all this from my mother and grandmother when I was in high school and college. After listening to this, I had mixed feelings, and my dislike for my father went further and I became afraid. My mom ended up with my dad without me. Who would have thought that what she did to my mother before was just the beginning. Later, my mother said that my father wanted to turn on the gas and force her to die together, and he also wanted to strangle her with a rope. I know my mother was abused by him, because there were too many violent slaps, and one side of my mother's earlobe was much thicker than the other. Every time I know these things, I want to cut him to pieces. There are too many more.

Uncle Zhu's old house has three big rooms, one is all workers, there are five beds on the ground, and my brother sleeps in the attic. Part of the space in the middle gate is separated by templates, with two beds, and the dining hall is by the door. The other room is also separated by wooden boards, and each room has a soft bed as a place for my parents, my sister and I to sleep. There is a big color TV in the open space outside. At that time, I always watched Hong Kong movies, played Teenage Ninja Turtles, Contra and Super Mary with my brother and my cousin who worked with my father. I sometimes sleep in the studio with my grandfather. I sleep inside and he sleeps outside. At that time, I remember that I was seven or eight years old, and it was always cold in the middle of the night when I slept with my grandfather, because he always grabbed all the quilts when he slept, and he couldn't pull them, and he was frozen up many times. You want me to come, as long as it is grandpa's business, it is also beautiful. Later, my dad came back later and later, got up later and later, and the fortifications were not arranged. After a long time, the workers all left. When they left, they kept asking for money, but there was no money. Relatives in Hubei wrote IOUs with grandpa's help and left. Relatives in Guangxi have also finished their accounts and left. I remember that Uncle Wu and Uncle Wu both worked as muddy water in Guangdong with their father, but like my father, they all left. My dad's trust in others was exhausted in those five years. There are no workers behind, no one does what they take over, they can't make money, they are in arrears with their wages, and they still borrow money to eat, drink and gamble outside. I still remember that once my mother had no money to ask my father for some food expenses during the Spring Festival, leaving only 200 yuan on the ground for my mother to pick up. He took 20 thousand to go out to eat, drink and gamble. In the end, I had to cooperate with Henan people and other mainlanders, but my dad never changed his mind and ended up in more debts. Once, those workers in Henan pulled a group of people to collect debts and wanted to beat my father. My dad, the skater, actually made a lot of phone calls and asked local friends to support the scene, which was to avoid this paragraph. I remember my dad called those people in the open space outside. I think this paragraph is really ugly. Those workers couldn't get the money and had to leave.

There was a Sichuanese or something. He is very dirty. When I came into contact with my dad's adult videos, I was very ignorant of sex. Early contact at a young age makes me curious and ignorant. Once when I came home from school, my family went out to build a house. He said that he was ill and had a rest in the house. He tricked me into the workers' room, made me take off my pants and lick my lower body and tried to insert it, but it was very painful, and finally I gave up. Later, he took off his pants and let me touch his lower body with another playmate who is two years younger than me. I felt sick and curious at that time. After twice, I don't know why I was too scared to go near him again. Later, at noon, everyone had dinner together. He drank too much and said that his family had stolen his things. My father drove him out with his luggage. Ever since I came into contact with male organs, I have been inexplicably afraid of close contact with men. I slept with my dad one night, and my dad put his hand in my pants. My father has never done such a thing to me, but it seems that he really did it in a confused state, and only once, but it still left a shadow on me. I slipped my hand out and got out of bed. I dare not sleep with him. At that time, my aunt happened to come to see us. My mother, my aunt and my sister sleep in the back room. After I got out of bed, I dared not make a sound. I sat on the floor in the back room and slept on my knees, but the noise still affected menstruation. She asked me gently: Tingting, what's wrong with you? ? I said: nothing, I dare not sleep, I am afraid, I want to sleep with them. This is the dirtiest and most indescribable thing I have hidden in my heart for many years, and I have never mentioned it to others.