Opening remarks of humorous story competition

My old Zhan Tou always criticizes The Story, because jokes don't laugh and humor isn't humorous. Recently, crosstalk and sketches are also in short supply, and laughter is lacking. The old man is incompetent, so he dares to present his latest work and have a joke and humorous football friendly match with the jokes and humorous world of The Story. Please' criticize' me.

The headline in the sports report page of Xinmin Evening News one day:

Laughter Football Friendly Match "Beat the Stone with Eggs"

National Laughter Football Stone Team vs. Amateur Egg Team (Note: This is an egg, not a genital egg. )

Huang Jianqiang, a national emotional commentator, is specially invited to give an explanation.

(Huang Narrator: You see, your name is taken. If you throw an egg at a stone, you will surely lose. )

Huang: "Look, in the opening 23 minutes, the players and stars of the national team used five' I didn't laugh' to go straight to the goal of the Egg Team, 5-, long live the national team! Long live! "

Huang: "It's only been a minute, and a cold shot (cold joke) from' Little Pig Run' here pulled back a point, five to one."

The egg side asked for a time-out. (According to the newly revised constitution of the International Laughter Football Association, the laughter football match can also be suspended. ) There is a more wonderful report later-

So the egg coach Lao Zhantou called all the funny basic players to seriously discuss the countermeasures and how to break the opponent's goal, so as to attract the whole audience to laugh.

First of all, Ma Lao, Ma Sanli Lala Lao Zhan said, "What's up! I will give him a' tease you'. " Old Zhan Tou said, "Good is good, older and colder."

Hou Baolin also leaned in and said, "Then I will tell him that Guan Yu will fight Qin Qiong again." Old Zhan Tou said, "That's old-fashioned." Aside, Ma Ji grumbled: "I told you earlier, changing the name of the Egg Team to the Universe Team, what a scenery it is. With the name of the Universe team, there is no doubt that it will win."

At this time, Zhao Benshan and Gao Xiumin also came together and said, "We have abducted and sold cats and cars, otherwise, we will come together and sell Longquan Villa." Old Zhan Tou said, "Who doesn't know that Longquan Villa has already been mortgaged to Fan Wei?"

In the spirit of counting eggs, Yan Shunkai, the "Zhang Sanqi" here, is checking that the number of goals is 5+1=6. Song Dandan said, "I will give him a twin, which will turn the super-life guerrillas into a super-life army and make everyone laugh. How? " Everyone said, "I can't stand a fine of more than 1 thousand."

over there, Guo Da shouted "rice for rice" and sang "Sister, go ahead boldly" in Qin opera, saying, "I shouted at the front of their goal and scared the goalkeeper Wang Dalei down." At this moment, Cai Ming came over unhurriedly and slowly and said, "It's no use shouting at your throat. Listen to my brilliant plan! Hire 2 migrant workers to the beacon tower of the Great Wall and light the wolf smoke to ensure that everyone laughs. "

At this time, the pause time is pressing. Jiang Kun pulls old Zhan's head aside and says, "Before it's too late, give me a kit when Guo Degang comes. Open it quickly." At first glance, the beard of Lao Zhan was so angry that it read, "It's really no good. Scratch the other person's diaphragmatic fossa or scratch the other person's sole with your hand, and you will definitely laugh."

At the last moment, Old Zhan Tou thought that he had to follow this clever plan, so Old Zhan Tou took the lead and led a group of comedians to make a rude laugh at the other team. Unexpectedly, instead of laughing, it caused riots among the fans. At that time, I went to the diaphragm and a middle-aged woman accidentally touched the other team's breasts, which caused a great disaster. The woman shouted, "Stop the old pervert!" A loud catch of the old pervert caused everyone in the audience to burst into laughter. Hi! Now I see, Guo Degang's coup has worked.

this cry, catch the old pervert! Don't say it really worked, which not only caused a burst of laughter, but also really arrested Lao Zhan's head.

Due to the riots of the fans, old Zhan Tou was dragged into the police station, and someone identified him and played hooligans in public. Old Zhan Tou was usually eloquent, and at this time he was incoherent. What did he say: "The Story Club will testify for me. Jiang Kun knows that what Ma Sanli said was a bad idea for you. It was only a touch, and it was true, but I apologize, not intentionally.

The policeman said, "Look at you, dressed like a gentleman, and your hair is all white. People who are going to be buried are still doing such immoral things. If I hadn't dragged you to the single room quickly, you would have been torn to pieces by the angry crowd, with all the human and material evidence, and you kept saying that you were innocent. It seems that you don't want to go out. "

At this moment, old Zhan Tou saw several Football magazines on the policeman's desk. Knowing that the other person was also a football fan, he had an idea and said, "No, no, no, I'm a veteran football coach, and all I bring are male compatriots. I've never been like the entertainment circle, and there are many beautiful women. We can't have sex. After one day of training, I'm exhausted and bone-broken.

Unexpectedly, the young policeman changed his face and said, "Hi! Hi! Hi! Are you an old fool, or are you pretending to be a garlic? Your black whistle, black market trading and black ball gambling in football are black enough. On the contrary, because there are many beautiful women and you don't care about a little oil, you rarely see women. You can't walk when you see women. Don't say anything beautiful, let's talk about something real. " A few words put old Zhan's head in a stuffy place, and he was speechless for a long time. The policeman got up to answer the phone.

when I came back later, the policeman pointed at Lao Zhan's head and nose and said, "Good! An old scoundrel is so slippery that he plays me. There is no such person in the author of the story. Ma Sanli has long since passed away. Jiang Kun said that this kind of liar has been seen a lot. Guo Degang people are performing in Hong Kong. Where do you have a truth, how can people believe you? "

Old Zhan was so helpless that he thought that the last time he accidentally broke into the women's toilet, he escaped a bullet (see my essay' Little Pickpocket and Old Sex maniac'). This time, the evidence was conclusive, and the public was furious. The situation was serious and doomed, so he had to lament alone: "I was unlucky. I was involved in a storm of flirting with women for fun and challenging a friendly football match. What an injustice! Now, why hasn't anyone come out and speak up for me? ！” The policeman said disdainfully, "If you have anything to say, say it quickly."

At this moment, Old Zhan suddenly trotted, walked towards the window, pushed the window open, looked up out of the window with a nervous look, and the policeman grabbed him and said, "What are you doing? ! Why, want to jump! " "Let me see, there is no heavy snow in the world. I am more wronged than Dou E. Why can't God stop it for six In the snow?"

This time, the policeman chuckled. This stupid old man is so thoughtful that he wants to ask God to testify for him. Just at that moment, a policeman came in and handed in two documents stamped with a big red seal. After watching it carefully, the police slowly looked up and said in confusion, "Old Zhan Tou, do you know how to go home?" ！”

At this moment, the second monk Zhang was at a loss, and the situation took a turn for the worse. He should be released immediately and go home. I saw a unit certificate and a hospital certificate on the table. It reads: Zhan Zeheng, a retired employee of our unit, is 8 years old and suffers from severe Alzheimer's disease, which is manifested as follows; Please pay special attention to incoherent speech, unconsciousness, mental disorder and out-of-control actions. This is to certify that at such a time.

When he left, Old Zhan Tou shook hands with the policeman and said goodbye, only to hear the policeman who closed the case muttering, "It's really strange now, everything is fake, even Alzheimer's disease is fake, it's amazing!"

The curtain of the comedy "Football Friendly Match" slowly descended.

It says: self-writing, self-directing, self-boasting, self-acting, old red star 8 old man Zhan Zeheng 28 Spring Festival

The aftermath of this self-writing comedy:

Jokes, humor-football friendly match (latest report)

When the fans rioted, our reporter interviewed the fans of both sides exclusively, as follows;

A young fan of the Stone Team scolded him: "bumpkin, he still wants to compete with our guns (either Jack, Lucy, Tom, Linda, old John and Holmes). It's strange not to lose. It's not your invulnerable Boxer era. Modern warfare depends on missiles. Do you know, boy?"

A female fan of the Egg Team shouted back: "Good boy, foreign slave philosophy, worship foreign things and flatter foreign countries, and you have the nerve to show off. We bumpkins have advanced missiles and atomic bombs. We use them for self-defense. Try attacking."

another fan of the Stone Team loudly scolded: "Our 13 jokes all made people laugh, unlike your 12' gossip' jokes, people just didn't laugh, and they stopped laughing for five times in a row. They also called themselves' cold' jokes and moved a large number of comedians out to save the scene. As a result, there was nothing they could do. In the end, they had to rely on the brutal and rude funny method of scratching the diaphragm fossa and the soles of their feet."

Another member of the stone team shouted with a pinched mouth and disdain, "Take some jokes made of bean curd dregs and dare to touch our stones. It's a bit of a dare to shake the tree. You'd better go home and learn your skills before you do it!"

Jokes, Humor-Football Friendly Tournament (latest report)

An exclusive interview with the reporter of Old People Morning Post showed that the egg team lost 5-1 in this game, and the old coach is going to go to the deep mountains again to learn from the teacher, improve his' laughing' skills, and make a comeback for challenging the stone team again.

the coach summarizes the failure experience; First, there are not enough jokes, and 12 gossips, and they are also labeled as' cold' jokes. First of all, they are cold and can't heat up. Second, there are not many people who have not paid advertising fees.

But there are also gains. First, the current trend prefers hot to cold, noisy to quiet. Got it. Second, the joke burden should be close to life, which can make people laugh. Third, it can only be sent to the police station by scratching the diaphragm fossa and scratching the soles of the feet.

It is said that after this game, Xu Wenchang, Ji Xiaolan and Ma Sanli all wanted to accept old Zhan Tou as an apprentice.

According to the Old People Morning Post, the old Zhan Tou has been searched everywhere recently, but he has disappeared. It is said that he was seen in the NBA stadium where Yao Ming returned, and an insider revealed that although the game was wonderful, there were still many criticisms behind it, so most of the audience kept their wits about them and stayed at a respectful distance.