Joke premature ejaculation

On the bus, I heard a mother teach her son to recite poems: "It is noon when weeding, and the mother is the hardest;" Play mahjong in the afternoon and fight the landlord at night. "

02

Friends say his daughter-in-law is particularly lazy. I asked him why. He said that his family lived on the third floor. Every time his daughter-in-law buys something online, she writes in her remarks: "Pregnant woman, it is inconvenient to move, please deliver it to your door!"

The little brother who sent the courier a few days ago finally couldn't help it. He shouted downstairs: "Three years! I put up with you for three years! Are you pregnant with Nezha? "

03

Chatting with my son one day.

Me: Son, did you know that you cried badly when you were born? Your father and I are arguing to death.

My son gave me a white look: well, the first time I saw you, I knew I had the wrong baby. Can I not cry sadly?

Me: ...

04

A brother asked, "What pants do you look young in?"

I replied, "I really can't think of anything younger than wearing diapers!" " "

05

A brother bought eye drops, ordered two drops at home, closed his eyes and rolled his eyes. When he opened his eyes, it was dark, and suddenly he could see nothing.

God, what kind of eye drops did you buy? Two drops will make you blind! He suddenly fell off the chair, kicked over the table and began to cry.

At this time, his wife scolded: "I'm getting more and more nervous. The power outage scared you like this!" " "

06

After fully releasing the second child ... a student made a mistake at school, and the teacher asked him to call his parents. The student said that his parents were not at home, so can my uncle? The teacher said yes.

The next day, his little brother, who just turned one year old, went to school. ...

07

My wife likes playing mahjong very much. To what extent?

Once, he was ill, couldn't take medicine and couldn't get an injection, so he took the "family property" and cooked a bowl of soup and drank it while it was hot.

08

The temperature plummeted that day, and a buddy wore less clothes. He passed a shop and saw the words written at the door: a mink 50 yuan, a down jacket 20 yuan, a summer dress 10 yuan, and a children's dress 5 yuan. ......

He went in and picked out three down jackets and two minks, left them for the boss's wife, and left for 200 yuan!

The proprietress is crazy, riding a big broken bicycle and holding a big brick. Stop it! I'm from the dry cleaner!

The classic phrase of laughing off one's teeth

1, I once threw a brick, but I did.

I admire myself so much that sometimes I kowtow to myself when I look in the mirror!

Some people believe in fate, others don't. This is not surprising, but the difference is that most people who believe in fate are mediocre, while those who don't believe in fate often achieve something.

4. You go, I won't stay; Come back, I won't take you in!

5, the setbacks encountered in feelings are all on themselves, simply saying: I have no talent for love.

6. The departure of leaves is not the pursuit of the wind, nor the retention of trees, but the arrangement of fate and natural selection; What should come will always come, and what should go will always go. Sometimes leaving doesn't mean ending, but-another kind of beginning.

7. For people with impotence, premature ejaculation is just a luxury.

8. I know there are many people who like you, and there is no shortage of me. But I like very few people, except you.

9. Don't torture yourself with past memories.

10, this society is cruel. When you make a mistake, no one will tell you, but will repair you secretly. As long as you don't find out, you will suffer for a generation. ...

1 1. People who understand you don't need to explain. People who don't understand you are not worth explaining. Ignore those unimportant comments and go your own way.

12. When I woke up, I felt like double-sided tape and accidentally stuck it.

13, there is no doubt that there is no road, all the way is comparable to all the way.

14. When I am free at night, I like to go out for a walk alone. I walked alone at night, looking at the long shadows under the street lamps, and I felt so lonely.

15, although I can't help all beings, I can harm all.

16. When I saw the food in the canteen, I felt that I had wronged myself if I ate it, and I suffered myself if I didn't eat it.

17, the story begins: "I will give you happiness." At the end of the story: "I wish you happiness."

18, if marriage is the grave of love, then-blind date means looking at feng shui to give the grave, confession means digging the grave, marriage means double suicide, empathy means moving the grave, and a third party means robbing the grave.

19, sometimes a woman makes trouble with you unreasonably, basically because she loves you.

20. If you can't be a father, don't get your woman pregnant.

2 1, the country depends on guns, the people rely on money, and men and women rely on sleep.

22, what do you want to eat in this weather, take it out to dry ~ ~

23. The children of the poor are the early masters, and the children of the rich are the early officials. Talking about mood phrases

24. You are safe in the world without me, and I pretend to be strong in the world without you.

25. QQ seems to wait for someone, but you are speechless. ...

26. Xiao San, is the man holding me in your hand very proud? I politely tell you that what you have is what I have left.

27. English songs listen to rhythm, while Chinese songs listen to artistic conception.

28. Before talking about friends, I first asked others if they had any friends. Now you have to ask others if they are gay.

Thank you for your rudeness, which made me learn to give up.

30. Before I entered your space, I was still considering whether to delete the visit record. When I got in, I found I couldn't get in at all.

3 1, this era can love fools, not nerds. Because a fool may be a genius in some way, but a nerd is definitely a fool.

32. Life is so fucking interesting, because life always fucking plays with me.

Be a pig in the next life, even if you are killed.

At the entrance of every university, hotels and Internet cafes are the most popular. Gao Fushuai goes to the hotel at night, and Diaosi goes to the Internet cafe at night. Come out at the same time in the morning, all propped up. The difference is that one is doing and the other is sitting. ...

(of a person) burst out laughing over the absurdity

1, turning cheap things into priceless things is the real king.

The train to hell has left. Please don't disturb.

We crossed other people's roads and stopped them on the way.

4. Go shopping with me. You are only allowed to see the goods, not the beautiful women, except me.

5. I struggled with fat and almost didn't sacrifice.

6. My mother said that the prodigal son will never change his money. Who will give me gold? I will change.

7. The world belongs to you, and this era belongs to you. Unfortunately, you belong to me.

8. Don't think you are Dao Lang with a knife.

9. Behind the scenery, it is either vicissitudes or filth.

10, my schizophrenia is cured, and I am very happy with you.

1 1, you are crazy, he is a fool, wandering on the cliff.

12, your appearance is not accurate, and your proportion is not good.

13, what age is it? I have no sense of hooliganism.

14, fools don't say fools are stupid, and bad people don't say bad people are bad.

15, you don't understand your heart, but you kept me waiting for a thousand years!

16, once over-dependent, has now become jealous and unfamiliar.

17, climb the hillside when the sun comes out, and want to sing after climbing the hillside.

18. One day, I will make a positive result and take away all your evil spirits.

19, I'm not lady gaga, I won't.

20. Everything was vented today, and we all took out the garbage.

2 1, what you said can be ignored, and the person you like should change every day.

22. The advantage of being short is that you can wear pants as pants.

23. I am the host. No matter what others think, I am still me.

24. Being suppressed by life, I suddenly had the idea of becoming a monk.

25, the old saying goes: A threesome, there must be a light bulb.

Laugh one's teeth off with shocking words

Guide: I can't stand beriberi. Go to buy shoes some day. I don't know whether the girl in the shop is well-trained or the manager requires that she must kneel down to help me change my shoes. I tried the first pair and tried the second pair. When I offered to try on the third pair, my sister said with tears in her eyes, "Brother, the shoes here are not suitable for your temperament. Why don't you go next door and have a look? "

1. My girlfriend bought me a baked sweet potato in the street. I asked her, "If I am as worthless as the sweet potato seller in the future, will you still stay with me?" She replied faintly: "It is my ex-boyfriend who sells sweet potatoes."

2. The leader made a report on the stage, and a waiter with big breasts came to pour tea. The leader was fascinated. The secretary coughed to remind, and the leader patted his head awkwardly and said, "Look at my tits, where have you been!" " "

My husband is a chicken. I took his hand and said it was chicken feet, pointing to his head and saying it was chicken head. Pointing at his eyes, he said it was corn, and when he talked about his neck, he paused. I said chicken neck. My husband suddenly became anxious when he heard this. He jumped up in disgust and corrected me: Have you no education? It's called a chicken neck! Wait ... something seems to be wrong ...

During the lunch break in the dormitory, everyone sat on the bed and chatted. Suddenly, one of my roommates asked, "What is the biggest difference between men and women? Please summarize it with an idiom? " The other roommate didn't even think about it, but directly replied in a dignified tone: "It's uneven." Then, he sat there 10 minutes without talking.

I am the people's police. I just opened the door when I came home from work today. My five-year-old son took his mother and shouted, "The police are coming, run …" Xiong Haizi, come here. Dad promised not to kill you!

6. With the rise of online shopping, the interests of some entities have been harmed, so some entities have launched anti-e-commerce demonstrations. The reporter interviewed an old man in the parade: "Grandpa, what do you do?" Old man: "I am a farmer!" " "The reporter asked strangely," farmers? Then you should sell vegetables and fruits, and e-commerce cannot harm your interests! " The old man said, "Who said no! I sell cucumbers ... "The reporter interrupted:" So do cucumbers ... "The old man interrupted:" Now girls are buying toys anonymously online, and my cucumber business has plummeted. This has not harmed my interests! ! "reporter: ...

7. Q: "What do you think of the smog in Beijing?" A: "I think the smog in Beijing is still good …" Q: "For example …" A: "I used to look for the bathroom when I was in a hurry, but now! Don't worry too much ... "

8. A beautiful junior asked me: Senior, do you have a girlfriend? When I was excited, I answered truthfully: no, my junior lifted her skirt and turned to ask me, senior, is it beautiful? My heart beat faster, I nodded wildly and said, beautiful. Junior said happily: My boyfriend gave it to me.

9. The man picked up a magic lamp on the beach in Shichahai, Beijing, wiped it, and an elf came out. The genie said, "Thank you for saving me. I can grant you three wishes. " The man was shocked and lost his voice: "Who? Who is it? Who is talking? "

10. I feel carsick because I'm going on a business trip in a few days. Let's go to the drugstore. I was riding an electric car, and my boss was at the door of the drugstore, so I asked, "Do you have any motion sickness medicine?" The boss said, "Are you dizzy in this car? It is time to take medicine! "

1 1, go to the toilet with a sister in winter. My sister said that I would never be a woman in my next life. I said yes, I have to have my period and have a baby. Who knows that person will say, take off your pants and freeze PP when you pee in winter …

12. after dinner, I nervously said to my daughter-in-law, "daughter-in-law, why do I always wash the dishes?" I want democracy. " The daughter-in-law thought for a moment: "Well, in the future, our family will guess boxing, and whoever loses will wash the dishes." Democracy? " I nodded at once. The daughter-in-law added, "Let's guess now. But I warn you, you can only make a fist. If you dare to do anything else, you will die. "

13, I asked my mother, "How can I become a principled person?" Mom said, "Money is the principle." I couldn't help but get lost in thought, and then sighed deeply: "Unexpectedly, our whole family is unprincipled."

14, I like a girl for a long time. Today, I confessed to her. I said, "I like you. Although I have nothing to give you, I will make you happy. Be my girlfriend! " Seeing her indecision, I said firmly, "I still have two kidneys!" " "

15, when my roommate came back from circumcision, we all comforted him to have a good bed rest. Don't look at those messy things and stretch the thread. The next morning, our cell phone alarm was replaced by teacher Cang's gasp.

16, tired of playing with hands. I said, "Husband, it's so boring. Are there any interesting domestic games? " The second-rate husband stretched out his paw: "Come, rock, paper, scissors!" " "I was speechless!

17. Walking with my mother, I saw couples walking around. My mother said, "Look, all the good dishes are arched by pigs." Why do I sound like a pig when I am single?

18 my daughter suddenly wanted to eat cucumbers at night, so she went to the public water room to wash two. It happened that several girls were washing clothes there. They looked at me and the cucumber in my hand. I was so nervous! In order to clean cucumbers, I stood in the water room and ate both cucumbers! Back to the dormitory, my roommate asked me, "didn't you go to wash cucumbers?" What about cucumbers? " Don't ask, the world is in chaos!

19, one of my buddies is a heavy smoker. Once, the goods got drunk and fell half to death on a motorcycle. I went to the hospital to see him with a bandage on my head, but the first sentence when I met him was "Give me one first". After the smoke point is lit, a picture appears: in the warm sunshine, a incense burner covered with bandages is curling up smoke through layers of bandages!

Wang Sicong: "Dad, look at that ..." "I bought it in buy buy" "That's Tiananmen Square ..." "Ahahahaha ... smog ..." Is it your mother's fault that the smog in Beijing is so serious?

2 1. In the biology class of senior three, the teacher asked, "Where is the fertilization process?" One or two students directly answered loudly: "in bed ... in bed!" "

22. I am away on business and want to buy anti-inflammatory drugs. I met a big sister and asked her, big sister, where is a drugstore near here? Big sister: buy a set? Me: Oh, no, I buy medicine! Elder sister: It would be nice to buy a set. Drugs do harm to your health. Me: I buy anti-inflammatory drugs. Elder sister: Is it swollen?

23. I went to a rich second generation buddy's house to play. I don't want to miss this rare opportunity, so I dress up like a girl. At lunch, my buddy went to the toilet, and his mother suddenly said to me seriously, "Tell me, how much money do you want to leave for my son?"

24. Beijing disappeared from the satellite map again. Obama angrily threw the top secret report on the table. "What is this advanced weapon? Such a big city disappears without seeing it. " How terrible is the smog in Beijing? Even you dare not go? "Iron man, hulk, Batman and others bowed their heads in shame. Suddenly Wolverine suggested: "Optimus Prime can! He doesn't need to breathe! " Optimus Prime said silently, "My limit is really fucking limited! "

25. "Doctor, why do I sit up with one leg straight and one leg bent every morning, and my back aches when I stretch my hand forward!" The doctor asked, "Why do you do such difficult movements every morning?" "This, this is a difficult action to wear pants every morning?"

26. Accompanying personnel attended the court. It's my first time to go, and I'm quite nervous. After entering, everyone sat very seriously. After the judge appeared in court, someone suddenly shouted "All stand up"! At this time, my brain was pumping, and I stood up and shouted: "Hello, teacher!" " ! The audience burst into laughter.

27. My wife and I were awakened by the noise coming from downstairs in the middle of the night. I took out a baseball bat from under the bed and held it in my hand. They quietly walked down the stairs and found a super beautiful girl in our living room. My wife got a sudden blow on the head, and she doesn't remember what happened after that.

28. I just went downstairs to have a midnight snack and put a loud and smelly fart in the elevator. To hide my embarrassment, I glared at the man next to me. I kept staring at him until the buddy finally got impatient and said, "What the fuck is B? There are only two of us here! "

29. Being single for too long, I finally found a girlfriend to accompany her to buy clothes. She went into the dressing room to change. When I was confused, I thought I was going out alone, so I went back, went back. ...

30. In the early morning, my wife sent a circle of friends: my husband was on a business trip, but my husband tossed me all night. I'm just on a business trip! As for bringing up a son, it hurts!

Editor's note: I was washing my face in the morning when my son suddenly shouted "invincible iron head" and then rushed at me with his head down. As soon as my brain is pumping, I pick up a stainless steel washbasin to block myself. "Bang" followed by the son's cry and the wife's roar.