Play a joke on a bachelor

1, a chef wrote on personals: I am good at flirting! Add salt when feelings are weak, sugar when feelings are bitter, and pepper when feelings are numb. I demand that the woman be full of color, fragrance and taste!

2. Luc traveled to China. He wants to visit the city on foot. Afraid of getting lost, he took a notebook and followed the road sign all the way.

As a result, I still got lost, so I had no choice but to ask the traffic police and tell them the road map he had traveled. The traffic police took his notebook and found many crooked words on it: one-way street.

There is a rich man who can't read. When he asked for a debt, he took out the IOU and pretended to watch.

The borrower smiled and said, "Look, it's upside down!"

The rich man shyly concealed, "I showed it to you!" " "

A foreigner went to a place on business and wanted to find a guest house, so he asked the passerby, "Do you know where the guest house is?"

Passers-by replied, "Do you know? What do you want with Mrs. Zhao? "

Outsiders say "sleep".

5. A friend introduced his hometown to the guests: water curtain cave in rainy days, Flame Mountain in sunny days, windy and dark tuyeres, and demon fog in foggy days.

The guest said: After your introduction, I know that all the people here are the Monkey King.

1 It's been so many days since the Asian Games, and the American team didn't win a gold medal!

2, the wife is a big tree, you must hug; Lovers are birds, don't feed them. My wife is a treasure. I told you not to make any noise. Lovers are grass, and whoever pulls them runs with them; It is said that beauty is good, and it is not easy to find if you don't make trouble or run.

3. When the community opens, the slogan reads: If you can't give mistress a home, please at least give her a suite!

4. donkey kong, the fourth successful person: expert guidance, noble help, God bless and villain supervision.

5, experiencing a love is like eating chocolate, even if you don't pay for chocolate, you have to pay for weight loss!

6, 1. Xiao _ Jie: from noble to vulgar; 2. Beauty: from stunning to gender; 3. Boss: From rare to everywhere; 4. Chicken: from birds to humans; 5. Comrade: From kindness to sensitivity; 6. Things: from personal privacy to public suffering.

7. Very meaningful professional expression: ① female directors: Stop! Do it again. 2 female traffic police: Don't stop if you sayno. Female conductor: A little further, it's empty. 4 female boss of internet bar: can't you get on? There are people waiting in the back. Female nurse: Go to bed quickly and take off your pants! 6 female teacher: If you don't do well, you will be fined one hundred times. 6 Female Mountaineering Commander: Climbing up means climbing up.

1. Mom is on a business trip and Dad is cooking. One day, the son asked, Dad, what's for lunch? Dad: It's not over yet. Who knows if it's burnt, raw or cooked?

2. A girl is in the third grade of primary school. Her mother bought her a new pencil case. Two days later, she found the pencil case missing and asked where she had gone. The girl calmly replied, "It's a breakup fee for her boyfriend ..."

My classmate was surprised to tell me that he handed in a blank sheet of paper and got 15. He bravely reminded the teacher whether he had made a mistake. The teacher told him seriously: This is a neat roll. ...

4. Father and son listen to music around the radio. Son: Mozart's music is great! Father: Son, you don't understand this. This is Beethoven's symphony! The announcer Qu Bi said: Thank you for listening to Northeast Yangko.

Dad sat on the bench in the park, absorbed in reading the newspaper. His son, who was playing beside him, suddenly pointed to the sky and said, Dad, the plane! Dad said casually without looking up, be careful, don't touch it with your hands!

1, doctor: Go and give a sedative to the patient who left the hospital today.

The nurse doesn't understand: why do you have to be sedated when you can leave the hospital?

Doctor: I have to pay the bill later. I'm afraid he can't stand it!

Doctor: Your blood pressure is very high.

A Dai: It must be caused by fishing.

The doctor is puzzled: Will fishing raise blood pressure?

A Dai: No, I fished in the no-fishing area yesterday!

The surgeon said discontentedly to the patient, "Tell me honestly, how much wine do you drink every day?"

Patient: "Four bottles of beer."

Surgeon: "Didn't I warn you that you are only allowed to drink two bottles of beer every day?"

Patient: "Yes, but the doctor also allows me to drink two bottles of beer every day!" " "

The patient went to the hospital, and the doctor told him to smoke less and drink less in the future.

The patient did, but when he checked again, his condition got worse.

The doctor said that you should quit smoking and drinking in the future. The patient said, "I didn't smoke or drink before!" " "

1. Huang chose a husband and asked Guo Jing and Ouyang Ke to write a composition. Guo Jing racked his brains to write 500 words, but he was nervous. Unexpectedly, Ouyang Ke only wrote 140, and Guo Jing won easily. Ouyang Feng was furious and slapped Ouyang Ke in the face: "s-b! Tell you to write Weibo every day! "

Talking to an old lady in the park, the old lady complained that her health was not as good as before. I said: nothing, look at your health, at least you can live to 90. The old lady said helplessly, I will be 90 in three months.

3. In a hotel in Zhengzhou, there was a fly in a well-sealed bottle of old village head wine, and the diners refused to pay for the meal. When the hotel asked the takeaway salesman to explain, the salesman said: This fly flew from the northeast, and we can't control it.

4. Degenerate to the point where I want to go to a nightclub on Monday night. I felt uneasy and prayed to Guanyin Bodhisattva: "Can I go clubbing at night?"

Sister Guanyin gestured to me with her right hand: "Good!" I don't feel so guilty.

In computer class, I found that my girlfriend's note on QQ was called W, so I asked her what it meant, and then she said it meant "mine", which moved me for a few days!

I played with her mobile phone today to see what my name is in her phone book. As a result, I saw a c, what does this mean … what does it mean … what's going on …

6. Call me a buddy and go to a restaurant for blind date.

The woman asked if there was a car.

The buddy replied: Yes.

The woman asked: What car?

Dude: Just Honda.

Woman: Oh, that's not bad, much better than Alto.

After dinner, the woman said take the car out and let's go for a ride.

The buddy decisively went to the hotel garage and rode out a motorcycle.

The woman was angry and scolded: Your dad, Wuyang Honda!

1, a classmate, a few days ago, on Singles Day, he sent a message to his favorite girl wishing her a happy Singles Day (I want to take the opportunity to express my confession). As a result, the girl replied, "I don't have to pass it, haha."

My girlfriend and I broke up, and we agreed not to contact each other until we died of old age. The next day, I checked the monthly subscription of mobile phones and found that there were 499 minutes left in the monthly subscription of point-to-point calls between us, so I sent her a short message: there are 499 minutes left in the monthly subscription of our husband and wife. Why don't we cooperate for another month and split up next month? Girlfriend said: Yes, it's cheap and can't be moved. ...

3. Girlfriend: Husband, my classmate asked me to go shopping. Give me some money quickly.

Boyfriend: Will you go out with other rich men?

Girlfriend puts on an S-shape and says, You underestimate me. If I go out with a man, do I need to bring money?

4. Girlfriend: I just think you are a potential stock and buy on dips. I don't know how many years have passed, and there is no upward trend at all. It was better to choose blue-chip stocks directly at the beginning.

Boyfriend: Be content. In your eyes, you will definitely buy PetroChina.

5. Girlfriend: Miss me?

Boyfriend: Yes.

Girlfriend: What do you think?

Boyfriend: I want to go anywhere

Girlfriend: Not now! ?

Boyfriend: Not if you don't ask me. . .

1, this afternoon, I had a headache and nausea. When my husband came back and saw me lying in bed, he quickly asked, "What's the matter? Do you want to see a doctor? " I was moved for a moment and just wanted to say thank you. The husband went on to say, "I invited some friends to drink tonight and invite you to cook." What can I do if I am sick? "

My wife ate a lot in the evening, but soon began to scold me.

I said, "I'm cooking and washing dishes. I didn't make any mistakes. "

The wife replied, "It's wrong for you to cook a good table and let me eat so much. I must digest it by educating you. "

The professor and his wife went shopping, and the wife asked him to wait for her in the men's lounge. He sat for a while, feeling bored, and found someone who was also waiting for his wife to play chess.

He brought a box of chess and was about to play it. He thought about it, changed to Go, and said to the man, "My wife has been shopping for a long time, so she should have time to finish a game of Go. I have never seen anyone who can go shopping better than her. "

The man said slowly, "Let's win two out of three."

A couple living in the suburbs received one hundred tulip seedlings from a friend in late autumn.

My wife has been urging her husband to plant seeds, and her husband always procrastinates.

Finally, the wife was desperate and planted it herself.

Of course, the husband is very happy-but when the flowers bloom in spring, he sees bright flowers arranged as "My husband is so lazy."