Why do many women blindly choose to tolerate domestic violence instead of calling the police?

After reading this book, I am sweating all over.

Pro-gobai

1. What is mental abuse?

After reading in the morning, lie on the sofa with your head up, close your eyes and rest for a few seconds. Open your eyes and look at the sky, a gray cloudy day. Suddenly, I saw a flock of birds flying from floor to floor, changing their formation and disappearing. I think: I don't know whether their world is competitive, whether it is as hurt and warm as the human world.

Anyone who has seen the animal world or documentaries should know that the competition in nature is not milder than that in the human world.

The documentary "Africa" tells the story of a whale-headed stork raising a chick: the first chick is only three days older than the chick, but it is loved by its mother, always fighting for food, and bullying the chick while her mother is away.

This is not just a battle between two birds.

Their mother came back and saw their struggle. Chickens came to seek comfort from their mothers. But the mother has made a choice: only the first baby can drink water.

Generally, whales only keep one chick at a time, and smaller chicks are just spare tires. Now that the chicks are big, adults know that it is best to spend all their energy on raising a healthy chick. The water level in the swamp fluctuates, so fishing depends on luck.

So raising two chicks at a time is too risky. Young birds must be abandoned and left to live on their own.

Cruel and realistic natural competition.

After watching the cold violence, it seems that I have experienced one nightmare after another. It seems that those scenes are both familiar and far away. It seems that those words once echoed in the ears of the closest relatives. It seems that they or people around them have experienced or are experiencing such pain.

Cold violence is the most horrible book I have read recently, and there is no one.

Mental abuse is a cold violence, which is different from physical abuse. This kind of behavior can hurt people invisibly, leaving no trace, which is difficult to define and obtain evidence, but it will do great harm to the mind of the abused.

Mental abuse is "clean" violence, and no one can see any traces. Physical violence provides external evidence: witnesses, police and injury reports. However, mental abuse, there is no evidence to prove what actually happened.

The author of this book is Marie France Hirigoyen, MD, French psychoanalyst, psychotherapist and victim research expert. He used to be a visiting professor at the University of Paris V, specializing in mental violence and mainly studying mental abuse in the workplace. She actively promoted the legislative process of psychological violence in workplace and family in France.

This book is the author's main means to discuss the different stages of mental abuse in family and workplace, and makes a detailed analysis from different angles of abusers and abusers. Finally, she clarified the consequences of mental abuse, and put forward some suggestions mainly for the phenomenon of mental abuse at home and in the workplace.

2. Analysis of mental abuse in daily life

Profound words and expressions,

You don't have to get your hands dirty,

It can also kill and humiliate people.

Humiliate people of the same status,

Is a great pleasure in life.

French humorist Pierre de Progus.

I always remember complaining about the bad food at night. My mother gave me a casual look and said, "Agreeing is giving birth to a daughter." Other people's daughters can go to the county to take part in the composition contest. Why not my daughter? Thinking about eating all day. "

At that time, my aunt gave birth to a baby and she went to help take care of it. I should be away from home for a few weeks. I'm glad to know that she is going home. When I came home from school, I saw my mother cooking in the kitchen. I am very happy to ask my mother what to eat for dinner. I don't like her cooking. She said this after I complained. Hearing this, I blushed and felt that I had not won honor for my parents, and I still had the face to eat good food.

It seems that at that time, all our honor and disgrace were linked to academic performance. We never felt that our parents had made any mistakes. Of course, what my parents did was for our own good, but until now I'm not sure if it's mental abuse.

But I know that I care about what she said, and it has an impact on me. The time and extent of the impact are far beyond her imagination. Even she may have forgotten.

For example, this kind of mental violence can be seen everywhere in daily life. Children who like to cry never call others "cry baby" without asking why, and call others "goblins" if they like to dress themselves up. "They think about eating all day, and their grades are very poor. It's useless at all. " "The clothes you bought are so ugly. What is it?" ...

Until now, I am in my thirties, my mother will still criticize the clothes I bought for being ugly and having poor taste, and even say that I am ugly in front of my mother-in-law, husband and children, and I can't buy anything. So my most direct expression to others now is to express my feelings in cash.

I didn't know it was a kind of mental violence until I read this book. And I am glad that I seem to have a strong heart for so many years. But I know: in fact, this problem has not been completely solved.

Only they know that when they are extremely depressed, all these words that they think are nothing will pop up. Others say that my problems are all shot at me from all directions like bullets. And I don't have a shield at all, but I still attack. And keep asking yourself: what is my question? What's the matter? How to solve these problems?

At the same time, I also know that I can't pretend that none of this happened. If you don't care about yourself, others won't care about you. You don't defend yourself, let alone have no one to protect you.

Fortunately, before I read this book, I began to resist saying me in the name of "being good for me". However, everyone has his limitations and no one is perfect. People are more likely to think from their own standpoint, all from their own interests, and all think it is good for them.

I don't hate anyone. After listening to their comments on me, I began to think and analyze. Those are just comments, those are just for their own consideration, and they won't care.

I just don't understand, this is also for the good of children, why not say something that children can accept, maybe children can accept it better?

Ai Alia Nliller, a Swiss psychologist, once pointed out that "being good for children" stifled their free development, which led to the suppression of their childhood will, which led to their repressed true feelings, creativity and rebellion. This will sow the seeds for more obedience in the future, whether for individuals (mental abusers) or for groups (joining gangs or political parties). The karma planted in childhood makes people easy to be manipulated in adulthood.

Abusive parents don't really kill their children, but they will constantly degrade their personality until their children become worthless, as if they don't exist. In all these cases, you will find something in common: no trace, no bleeding, no body. The child who lost his soul is still alive and everything is as usual.

Of course, we will not report our parents for these verbal violence. What a shame and shame it is for our parents. And parents are always good for you!

3. The relationship of mental abuse and the parties concerned

The masochist often suspects that everything is his own fault: "What did we do to make him hate us so much?" .

Perhaps because the author is a woman with a unique and delicate thinking, she constantly emphasizes and verifies through practical examples: in real life, most abused people hope that their goodwill can soften their abusers, but it turns out to be the opposite, and too much goodwill has become unbearable provocation. There is nothing special about the abuser. They are all replaceable items, but they appear at the right or wrong time and make the mistake of tempting themselves.

Abuse process: the temptation period of mental abuse-hatred appears-abuse begins to take effect-the abused person has no way out.

In this process of sadism, the abuser does not regard his partner as a person, but as an object, and this object has the characteristics he wants to steal. People under his control will provide life energy as his nutrition. In order to possess this satisfying nutrient, the abuser does not hesitate to invade the spiritual space of others. Facing the person who seems to have what he lacks, the narcissistic abuser will feel intense jealousy and envy.

The narcissistic abuser, burdened with childhood experiences, has never been able to develop into an independent individual, so as to covet others to have a mature and independent personality and realize themselves.

What abusers envy most is actually the lives of others.

The next step of jealousy is possession. The advantages that abusers want are rarely material, but spiritual abilities that others can't steal but are not easy to master. For example, love can keep us alive, sensitivity, creativity, charm, musical or literary talent.

The abuser has no real subjective consciousness, so he thinks he has no responsibility. He has no one else and no ego in his heart.

As the American poet Gertrude Stein said, "There is nothing in it."

Abusers can get great pleasure from pointing out the shortcomings of the abused or provoking their violence. Abused people feel cornered and have to do something, but they can't because they are controlled by the other party, so they can only try to find their freedom with extreme gestures or serious emotional outbursts.

The most terrible thing is that outsiders feel that nothing is normal. Just a few words, only those who have really experienced it can appreciate its horror. Instinct is often known to two people, and only the abused know it.

Predatory attack: the abuser chooses the target, pesters the prey like a predatory animal and plans the attack. The abuser will never let go of his favorite prey, and even say, "From now on, my only goal in life is to make the other person unable to live." Then he will devote himself to achieving this goal.

Once this vicious circle begins, it can't stop itself, so the pathological relationship between the two sides will only continue: the abuser is becoming more and more violent, and the abused is getting weaker and injured.

The most terrible thing is that there is no evidence to prove what actually happened. Only they know the inner hurt and pain of the victims.

4. Sequela of mental abuse and related practical suggestions.

"He must have done it because he was unhappy. I will reassure him and cure him. " The protective instinct of motherhood arises spontaneously. He thinks that only he can understand each other's behavior and rely on him. Missionaries, for example, are most likely to be regarded as masochists and think that they can understand, defend and forgive everything. He believes that a good talk will lead to a solution. On the contrary, the abuser (refusing to participate in any form of dialogue) firmly clamped him down.

Consequences of the "loss of liquidity" stage

be afraid

muddled

doubt

pressure

afeared

lone

Long-term consequences

wound

dyspnea; respiratory distress; breathing difficulties

divide

Subsequent development

Many psychoanalysts believe that everyone is a little vicious inside, which is our consciousness of protecting ourselves, but abnormal narcissists are just to satisfy their destructive impulses.

Like a thought of good and evil. The biggest difference between an abuser and a masochist is that the masochist is kind-hearted and will feel sad, guilty and self-reproach on his conscience. And the abuser has no such feeling at all.

Life is never as simple as we thought. But there seems to be such a fact. If we all put people in the right position according to the symptoms of various diseases, it seems that everyone has various small problems. If you doubt whether you have been mentally abused, you can ask a psychoanalyst for help.

Finally, practical suggestions and psychological positive responses are put forward for couples, families and workplaces. (see the picture below)

According to different stages, the author also recommended different movies for everyone to better understand what mental abuse is. The film is as follows:

David mamet, Spanish prisoner.

Francis giraud in Action (Passagec te, 1996)

5. Rebuild respect and gain a new life

Abuse in competitive groups is inevitable. Don't be afraid, don't run away, look them in the eye.

Many abusers will show weakness on the surface and anger the abused. To outsiders, this seems to be the problem of the abused. Many times, the abused do not realize that they have been hurt and fall into such a vicious circle. How do people who are deeply involved get rid of it?

Cold violence makes a comprehensive and detailed interpretation of this kind of mental abuse. I think it's worth seeing.

Any kind of mental abuse is pain that can't be expressed in words in real life. However, these pains cannot be understood by others, and only those who have experienced the same mental abuse have a deep understanding.

If you want to get rid of the abuser completely, you must leave them resolutely and decisively, face up to your abuse and actively repair your inner pain.

It may be difficult to get rid of the abuser, but as long as the abuser realizes and starts to do so. A free and beautiful life must not be too far away.

However, the new life is not smooth sailing.

Big Twitter:

Can you test whether you are a narcissist according to the following test? (Excerpt from Cold Violence)

Narcissists have at least the following five symptoms:

1. Overestimate yourself

2. Have illusions about unlimited success and power.

3. Think you are unique, "rare in the world"

4. excessive need for praise from others

5. think that everything is owed to you by others.

Use related people

7. Lack of empathy

8. Always envy others (except this, nothing else has arrived, hehe, especially what other people have eaten)

9. Show arrogant attitude and behavior.

(PS: Although I have protested to my mother many times, my mother will still criticize me. However, her old man's house also plausibly said, I am your mother, even if you are old, I can still talk about you. I want to cry when I hear such stubborn words! )