A funny play by the president of the United States

You can consider pantomime or double reed, stand-up crosstalk or double crosstalk. In fact, it will be good for two people to work together. As long as the script is interesting, the performance effect will be good, especially the double spring. Please print out your favorite script and invite your partner to be present.

Look at the manuscript at the back, you two can cooperate two or three times, which is the simplest, although it takes two people.

Script 1:

Double reed "joy begets sorrow"

Prologue: Today, the two of us will perform the double reed. It's interesting to say this double reed. One person needs to perform in front and the other person needs to say the lines behind. Seen from a distance, it looks like a person. This requires two people's performances to be very tacit and very cooperative, otherwise the double spring will not be called double spring. Come on, come on, put on your makeup. As the saying goes, people wear clothes and saddles, people are unsuccessful and people are not beautiful. After this man succeeds, let's take a look again. It is better not to succeed! Next, we will bring you a new work called "Happiness Makes Sadness". I hope you like it!

A: The city of life is precious, but the price of love is higher. In order to earn RMB, I am willing to become a shemale. I haven't introduced myself. My surname is Zhao, nicknamed Zhao shemale. Friends present will call me by my nickname when they see me later. Ask me what my nickname is and tell everyone that my nickname is shemale. I am a shemale, I am a shemale, am I really a shemale? (Stop, stop! ! You come out, how can I come out in your mouth and become an adult demon? Am I a shemale?

Sorry, never, never!

My surname is Zhao, and my name is Zhao Zhixiang. The media said that I look very special and my face looks like slippers. Because of this, many singers sang a popular song for me for this reason, which quickly became popular, ah! It was Rollin Wang who sang "I am not Zhao Zhongxiang" with such great influence. Thank you (stop! Is this a song sung by Rollin Wang? People sing "I am not Huang Rong", what kind of cultural performance is this! Never! ) My job is selling. I have unique skills in selling products. I talk glibly, speak straight, and finally I act like a spoiled brat if I can't do it. My biggest feature is my good health. I have never been to a hospital in my life. Yesterday, I went out to sell, targeted one, and said I wouldn't buy my product for a long time. I walked more than 300 miles with him and finally sold a bottle of brain black essence, which was mentioned in the entry and won the first prize in the first sales essay competition of Guangxi University of Finance and Economics. To celebrate the success of the promotion, I took a bite. Yeah! Doctor! Cut off your appendix! ! how much is it?

B: Two thousand!

A: 2000! Ah! Doctor! Don't cut your appendix with that knife! You came straight here! I will give you my whole life!

B: So you said a lot of money?

A: 80 at most!

B: Eighty! All right! 80 is 80!

Oh, my God! Cheap! ! 2000 was counteroffered to 80 by me! Do you want to pay for everything you bought? 80 yuan, cut your appendix! I chopped the fish head yesterday for more than 80 yuan! Tomorrow I'm going to call the whole family together to have my appendix cut! There are 80 doctors here! Hurry up! Hurry up! Under pressure!

B: How hot is it? Strike while the iron is hot! I'm in surgery! Get ready! Ah! By the way, do you want anesthetic?

Oh, my God! You want to kill the pig. Why? Nowadays, you have to use anesthetic to kill pigs! Why don't you kill me!

B: You only have 80 yuan! Where is the anesthetic?

A: It's anesthetized! Why don't you get anesthetized! If I'm not anesthetized, my screams will kill me!

B: Anesthetic! Then 800 yuan takes a shot!

A: 800! Doctor, what are you doing? Still want to play XO

B: imported anesthetic! Local anesthesia!

B: Doctor, is that brand of anesthetic so powerful?

Answer: Smile Jiuquan brand anesthetic, it feels like death after playing, and it's gone.

Doctor, do you have anything cheaper?

A: There are all cheap ones! The effect is not guaranteed! When you wake up, you wake up. Where you should be numb, you are not numb. Where you should not be anesthetized, you have been anesthetized for a long time! It is irresponsible of me to affect your physiological function and marriage life after going abroad!

A: Ah! Imported, imported doctor! Playing Jiuquan brand anesthetic with a smile, the side effects of cheap goods are too great! I can't carry it!

B: Good! Give it a try! Does it still hurt?

Oh, my God! Whether it is money or money, goods are goods! If you shout numb, you will be numb!

We're ready to gut! Ask your opinion, does this scalpel need disinfection?

A: Doctor! Knives are not sterilized!

B: Disinfection needs 500 yuan!

A: That's not necessary! I brought a lighter! That knife burns on that fire twice!

You are really a patient! !

That can't be helped! It's no use meeting a doctor like you!

B: Open the box below! Oh, dear! Oh, dear! It's bleeding! Oh, you are bloody! How high! Do you want to stop bleeding?

A: Of course we have to stop the bleeding! Why don't you stop bleeding, doctor?

Do you use hemostatic gauze or rag?

A: Doctor! You have a rag to stop the bleeding!

B: That hemostatic gauze costs 500 yuan!

A: ouch! You can have a lot of money! Stop bleeding first! It's killing me

B: That's right! If you have this attitude, it will be easy for me! Stop bleeding first! Open the wound! Find the appendix and cut it off with a knife! Congratulations! The operation was a complete success! One last question! Are you going to sew it up?

Doctor, what are you going to do to make me go out empty-handed? If you go out, you must attract flies.

Script 2: Double Spring

Character: A 1, B 2 props: a chair, a box of makeup powder.

1: It's finally our turn to perform for you.

2: By the way, hey, by the way, you just said below that you would test me. Now let's test it in front of everyone.

1: Hehe, well, do you know what "double spring" means?

2: double spring? Just two yellow eggs ~ ~!

1: demo, and two yellow duck eggs?

2: No, I'm joking with you. Would I not know the double reed? Double reed is a performance form of Quyi.

1: You know, then tell me more specifically ~ ~ ~

2. To put it simply, the double spring is a form in which one person plays in front and one person speaks behind. You can't say what you want to play, and you can't act what you say.

1: So ~ ~ Do you think you can perform the double spring?

2: Of course.

1: yo yo yo, then I have to test you well today. I'll say it in the back and put it in front of you. How's it going?

2: Nothing, just come.

1: ok, we'll start as soon as you clap your hands.

(2) Sit in a chair and clap your hands. )

1: My name is Wang Erlang, the winner of the top ten singers. What? You don't believe me? Then I will sing you a song. You can have it.

Pay attention (sing) (at this time, it sounds a bit strange, so stand up. )

2: Come out! Are you singing? He is also the winner of the top ten singers.

1: Hehe, I won the last prize that time. Hey, hey, you can't perform. table

If you can't act, just say it ~

2: Who says I can't perform? Just ~ ~

1: ok, ok, I'll change it. Now change it. What do you do when I say it?

2: No problem!

(2 Sit down again and clap your hands. 1 Say it again)

1: Hold your chest and abdomen, lift your hips and raise your head, then close your eyes, stretch out your right hand, bend upward at a 45-degree angle, stretch out your fingers, stretch back, open your mouth, put it in your mouth, bite, and bite hard.

2: Come out!

1: What's the matter?

2: What's the matter? Do I need this hand as much as you do?

1: Didn't you say no problem?

2: No problem, no problem, my hand is gone! ~

1: Hehe, ok, I'll change it again.

(Sit down again)

1: Why do I feel something itchy on my face?

I hit my left face with my right hand and my right face with my left hand.

Reach out your right hand and hit your left face.

Hold out your left hand and hit your right face, …

Hold out your right hand, hit your left face, hold out your left hand, ...

(At some point, bilibili got up and left ...)

1: Come back, it's not over yet!

2: I will become a pig's head if I fight any longer.

1: It's time for curtain call.

2. Return to the scene and make a curtain call together.

Script 3:

Such a pair of springs

Props: a chair, white paint, a handkerchief soaked in water.

(At first, A entered the stage from the left to the middle of the stage)

A: On the occasion of the national celebration of the 55th anniversary of the founding of People's Republic of China (PRC), I would like to take this opportunity to wish you good health, happy family and all the best.

Good evening, distinguished guests, friends, ladies and gentlemen!

Who are you? Come here to make trouble!

B: I am getting old.

A: Where are you from?

I have an old yellow car.

A: I already know what you said about Lao Huang What are you doing at the customs?

B: Isn't this our literary evening celebrating the National Day in my heart? I'm here to perform for you, secretary tribe.

A, ah, you can also perform programs?

B, why don't they hit it?

Zhong, what are you doing here?

B, I'll show you a double spring.

A: Double spring? Do you know what a double reed is?

I really don't know. Then tell me what a double reed is.

A: Double spring, that is, "two yellow eggs".

Bah, what a mess.

A: I'm just kidding. In fact, in simple terms, the double reed means that one person talks in the back and one person plays in the front. You can't say what you want to do, and you can't do it if you say it, so you can "teach by example."

B: After listening to what you have said, I dare say that these two reeds are very knowledgeable. Why don't we give you a performance?

Well, how about giving it a try? You talk in the back and I'll play in the front.

B: OK, clap your hands then, and let's begin.

A: (Applause in the chair)

B: Lao Huang, I am 33 years old and my weight has exceeded 330. Ask me why it's so heavy. It's not a policy of * * *, I can drink and eat more! I won't say anything about the food at noon today. It's really delicious. There are flying in the sky, running on the ground, frying, steaming and roasting, which makes my eyes blind. Regardless of him, I took a bite of meat and soup. I ate meat and soup.

A: Scratch when it itches!

No, you can't talk.

Ah, if I go down again, I'll be exhausted! Why don't we change? I said you play.

B: Just change it. No one is afraid of anyone in this world, but I have to do it first.

A: My friends, as the saying goes, the clothes make the man, and the horse depends on the saddle. This man, who doesn't dress up in his old age, just doesn't look good. There is an uncle Li next door who is over 70 years old. Since seeing Zhao Benshan's sketches, he has paid special attention to dressing up. Hey, don't tell me that since Uncle Li dressed up, his waist has been sore, his legs have stopped hurting and his feet have stopped cramping. He went up to the fifth floor without breathing, and when he walked into the street, he could attract a group of old ladies to make eyes at him. Hey, how is it harder for this boy to change clothes than for that big girl to get on the sedan chair? Hey, Huang, are you ready?

Okay, here we are.

Let's have a look at his clothes. Oh, my God. ...

B: How about that? Very handsome.

You'd better not dress up.

What are you talking about? It's officially started this time.

A: You can carry out anything I say, but don't. You can't carry out what I say

B: I'll play whatever you say. Only you can't say it. There's nothing I can't play.

A: Friends, at first, he had to listen to me. I told him to go east, but he was afraid to go west. I told him to chase the dog, but he didn't dare to drive the chicken away.

Why do you talk so much nonsense?

All right, let's get started.

Answer: Hold out your chest, close your hips, raise your head, then close your eyes, extend your right hand, bend upward at a 45-degree angle, extend your finger, stretch back, open your mouth, put it in your mouth, bite, bite hard.

Fuck you. I'm crazy. I- ...

Didn't you listen to me?

B: Whatever you say! Listen to you. I lost my hand.

A: Don't be angry! I just want to see if you can act. It's official now.

B: Come on.

See what I can do to him. (to the audience)

There is a sun in the sky-big, big, big.

(Singing) There is a guy on the ground-(Talking) Hot, hot, hot.

I don't know, I don't know, I don't know why I'm so hot, so hot.

I took out my handkerchief to wipe my sweat,

Drink a glass of cold water to clear the fire,

Take off your coat and blow,

Pull down the tie and let it cool;

(Singing) The north wind is blowing, and there is snow in the wind.

Count to nine, it's cold, I stamp my feet,

What's wrong with me? I don't have a fever. I'm at a loss. I really should make a phone call in such cold weather.

A: I reached out my right hand and hit my left face. I reached out my left hand and hit me on the right face.

A: Put out your right hand and hit your left face.

Hold out your left hand and hit your right face. ...

A: Hold out your right hand, hit your left face, and hold out your left hand. ...

At some point bilibili got up and left. ...

Answer: Come back, it's not over yet!

If I keep fighting, I will become a pig.

It's time for curtain call.

B return to the scene and make a curtain call together.

Bow, over.

Script 3: Crosstalk

Happy New Year!

Hello, happy holidays!

B: Huh? Festival? What festival? Is today your birthday? Congratulations! Congratulations! Bring a red envelope! A: What a mess! His birthday has already passed!

Oh, it's not your birthday! So what day is it today?

No way. You don't even know what day it is.

Why should I know? Is today important? A: Of course! This is a holiday for all of us.

Oh, I see, today is National Day!

A: Ah, it's not 1 October1day yet.

B: That's Women's Day! Let us wish all mothers in the world a happy holiday.

(singing: mom, mom, honey ...)

A: Wait, wait, wait. Wrong again!

Is that labor day?

A: (Laughter) Did the 7-day long holiday of 5. 1 make you sleepy? (touching each other's forehead)

B: Go, go, you are so stupid! Isn't today Children's Day?

A: Ah! Are you kidding? ! ! !

B: I won't fool you. How can students laugh?

A: Ah! I'm a clown?

B: Look at your figure. You are not a clown. Are you an elephant?

A: Well, well, I won't argue with you on the big holiday!

Let's wish all the students a happy holiday!

Yes, but I can't!

A: Ah! What are you up to?

B: There are activities at school during the day. What can I do without me?

A: How about the evening?

Guess what I'm doing?

A: A rare holiday. You must watch TV!

B: vulgar! Your score is too low!

Ah, your score is very high. How tall are you?

B: You're welcome. I'm only a mile tall.

A: Ah! You are a star! No respect! No respect!

It's nothing. It's just an occasional show or something It is rare to show your face on the screen! In fact, you can too!

A: Me? May I?

B: Of course! Let the vast number of young friends have a look: look at this little head, smarter than a smart rest,

Look at this little mouth. More beautiful than a flower fairy. Look at these little eyes. ...

Please stop. Besides, I want the Japanese!

B: She's a super beauty anyway!

Are you kidding? I have to ask you first.

B: Is there anything else to ask? Only you! How can I be so good? I make people blush!

However, male students usually call me cherry maruko.

B: (Secretly: Is she a cherry ball? I'm still taro watermelon! )

Great! I really found the right person today. Come on, let's go to the TV station. (Pull by hand)

A: Hey, hey, don't pull me yet, you did! We have to hurry!

A: Your family doesn't own a TV station. Your dad is a big star. Who will let me in as a pupil?

Yo, you don't believe me, do you?

Yes, one of our pupils wants to be on TV, so Cecilia Cheung and Nicholas Tse have long been unemployed? Let me guess. People won't even let me in the gate.

B: Then let's talk to the doorman's uncle!

A: Say it well? Do you want me to die in the street like a beggar: "Uncle, have pity on me, please pull, I won't live if you don't let me in!" "

That's because they are used by bad people. We don't have to be so miserable!

What should we say? We can only say, "Uncle, let's go in! We're not young, we're over 20!

B: Huh? Over 20?

A: Yes, two people together!

Do you still think he is senile?

A: Then he said, "Uncle, if you let me in, I will give you a big bottle of Wahaha." ? Drink my Wahaha,

The food is sweet. Mom, I want to-wow, ha ha!

Look at you. You are not famous yet. You advertise like a star! I'm telling you, it's not necessary!

A: Can I really get into the TV station?

B: Nonsense, to tell the truth, we are the hosts of today's "June 1st" gala!

A: Hey! We can also be hosts?

Sure, why not? My hair is longer than that of Li Yong, and my Mandarin is 100 times higher than that of Liu Yiwei. Why not?

So what will happen this year?

B: Listen to me this year.

A: Huh? Are you still the chief director?

B: that's not worth it! Last month, I wrote a letter to the TV station asking for the opinions of my classmates.

Talk about our thoughts and ideas in detail, alas! Guess what, people really adopted it!

Really?

B: They all praised me for my courage to participate, and also said that I have a sense of reform and innovative spirit. That's amazing! Small ambition is big!

A: Wow! Students, let's applaud our big star!

B: (takes a sausage out of his pocket as a microphone) Thank you, thank you! Everybody's applause! I must do better than Sister Juping!

A: Hey! It really is like that!

B: (takes a bite) Ah! It tastes great!

A: Cough, cough! Why did you eat first? Tell me about the "June 1" party!

B: The main idea is that the big studio should be decorated into a beautiful fairy tale world. There are hundreds of birds forests, colorful wooden houses, exotic flowers and grasses, glass palaces and all kinds of big building blocks, which are shining with wonderful aura and colors under the changing computer lights.

A: It's really beautiful!

B: With classic children's songs from all over the world, it's really poetic!

A: The stage must be beautiful, too, right?

B: Of course! They are all the best schemes selected from the designs of small painters in various countries, and then integrated together.

Wow! That's simply beautiful! It is easy to get lost if you are not careful!

What's on at the party?

B: Wow! That's great! Let me introduce the cast first.

A: Who's there?

B: Here is the hero chorus "Singing the Motherland" in one hundred patriotic movies, which is performed by 65,438+000 young actors.

A: Good! Carry forward the patriotic tradition and strive for the rejuvenation of China!

B: This is a large-scale song and dance program "Our Common Festival" performed by famous cartoon actors at home and abroad, such as the Monkey King, Snow White, Magic Pen Ma Liang, Xiao Sanmao, Flower Fairy, Baby Cucumber, Black Cat of the Sheriff, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck, Smurfs, Transformers, Doraemon, Crayon Shin and so on.

A: Good! It symbolizes the world children's grand meeting!

B: There are small chorus, small ensemble, small dance, sketch, small acrobatics, small martial arts, small cross talk and small drama.

Magic, games ... Anyway, you can do anything but pee!

A: Nonsense!

B: There are also young reporters interviewing the top ten teenagers. The host invited our space hero Uncle Yang Liwei to meet with you.

Children thank parents, teachers and children artists who have worked hard day and night for our healthy growth!

A: Yes! Should, should!

B: Children's representatives from poor areas are also invited to take the stage to accept our holiday gifts and blessings.

We are hand in hand and heart in heart.

B: Young calligraphers, painters, photographers, poets and inventors perform live!

A: What a rich program!

B: Yes, the applause at the scene is definitely louder than snoring!

Who are the guests invited to the party?

B: Celebrities from all over the world are here! Even Grandpa Annan, Secretary-General of the United Nations, is here.

Unfortunately, three important people are missing.

Who's missing?

President George W. Bush of the United States.

What a big shelf this old boy has!

B: What! I was burned in the backyard by the Iraq war.

How can you come and play with us?

A: Who else is there?

B: Former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein!

His house caught fire, too?

Your house is on fire! Our old comrade-in-arms Lisa is on trial at the International Court of Justice! Besides, George W. Bush is not allowed to come!

A: Hey! What a pity! Who's the other one?

That is the famous terrorist leader-bin Laden!

A: It should be bin Laden, right?

B: It's all the same anyway.

What happened to him?

B: At present, I am hiding in a cave. If I call him, he won't even answer, and he doesn't know the address when he writes!

We really don't know how to contact him!

A: He'd better not come!

B: Why?

A: When he comes, there are only two people left in the big studio!

B: Where did everyone go?

A: At the sight of old bin Laden, he ran away!

B: Then why is there another one?

A: That's the big star!

B: Who is it?

A: Isn't the host not afraid of death?

B: Ah! It's me ! !

A: Who else is there?

B: I won't do it! I'd better run quickly!