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The psychological roots of excessive self-blame and guilt

The psychological roots of too much self-blame and guilt

The psychological roots of too much self-blame and guilt. Nowadays, if the pace of life is getting faster and faster, people are becoming more and more stressed. , not only adults have pressure, but children also have pressure. One is pressure in life, and the other is pressure in studies. Today I will talk to you about the psychological root of excessive self-blame and guilt. The psychological root of excessive self-blame and guilt 1

What is the reason for the formation of self-blame mentality

Almost everyone will be blamed by their parents for doing something wrong when they were young. But sometimes, parents do not separate things from people when blaming their children. For example, they will say: "You broke the vase again, you are such a bad boy!" In this way, the child will associate things with their own value, I feel like I have done something wrong and am no longer valuable. Some parents do not say this, but their children will be very sensitive and can feel the harm caused by what they have done to others, so they start to blame themselves. When such children grow up, they will especially hope that everything they do is flawless.

Self-blame and self-deprecation are both quite painful. It means that a person has to be his enemy all the time and constantly criticize himself. When he is in this kind of inner conflict, he will put a lot of energy into self-struggle, and he will shrink back because he is afraid of making mistakes.

What are the symptoms of excessive self-blame?

Self-blame means self-blame. Excessive self-blame goes beyond the scope of what we usually call self-criticism, but falls into the category of delusion of self-blame. People with self-blame delusions usually devalue themselves excessively, baselessly believing that they have made serious mistakes, and that they are worthless and have done nothing.

Some people in life are accustomed to putting all the responsibility for many things on themselves, and some magnify their shortcomings, and even baselessly believe that they have committed an unforgivable crime. It can even involve relatives and friends, and cause the country and people to suffer heavy losses, so they feel that they should be despised or cast aside. They can recognize their own shortcomings or faults, but they cannot tolerate or even endlessly find fault with themselves. These are all manifestations of excessive self-blame.

I can’t think of committing suicide. Learn to give up and let go of what needs to be let go. Once you let go, your heart will feel lighter. If your heart is tired, give your soul a vacation. Your eyes should see more beautiful scenery, your ears should listen to more beautiful sounds, and most importantly, you should use your heart to experience beautiful things. Our hearts will not be tired. May you be in a good mood every day.

How to comfort someone who blames himself

1. Listen to the other person’s distress: Due to differences in life experience, family background, education, etc., everyone has a different way of dealing with distress. understand. Therefore, when trying to comfort someone, you must first understand their distress. To comfort people, listening is more important than speaking.

2. Accept the other person’s world: The biggest obstacle to comforting people is often the comforter’s inability to understand, appreciate, and identify with the distress that the person concerned feels. People tend to limit the definition of suffering to what they can understand. Once it exceeds this range, it is unreasonably "suffering".

3. Explore the path the other person has taken: Comforters often feel obligated to propose solutions for the other person. As everyone knows, everyone who is tortured by distress has almost gone through a series of continuous attempts and failures before seeking comfort. The psychological roots of excessive self-blame and guilt 2

1 Why do you feel guilty?

Guilt can be a normal reaction, but abnormal guilt is another matter. Guilt that cannot be digested, guilt that simmers in the mind, guilt that is not your fault but you still feel, these types of guilt are all common in adult children of borderline parents. So how does this feeling of guilt arise?

This feeling of guilt may come from one of the following aspects, or a combination of several factors:

The need for control. Feeling responsible for everything indicates that you want to feel power and control in situations that are beyond your control.

For example, a girl felt responsible for her father's multiple suicide attempts. This may be because she is too young to realize that her father's actions were based on his own choices.

She may also live in constant fear that one day she will come home from school to find her dying father lying on the floor, or worse. Feelings of guilt and responsibility can make her feel like she still has some control over her unstable life.

The role you play or have played in your family. When you stop playing your assigned role and speak out about your feelings, you may feel guilty for breaking the surface and exposing everything to others.

For example, a child with a borderline personality who is considered a good child by his mother may feel guilty after talking about his childhood in psychotherapy. As a child, he was the housekeeper of the family and his mother's friend, so he would feel like he was betraying his mother when talking to his therapist and talking critically about his childhood.

Too weak boundary awareness and projective cognition. If your boundaries are not clear enough, it will be difficult to tell where your responsibilities and obligations end and your parents' responsibilities and obligations begin when dealing with your parents.

Parents may subconsciously project their own guilt onto their children; patients with borderline personality easily feel guilty. In order to avoid this feeling, they project guilt onto their children and make them feel guilty. A very straightforward choice. This phenomenon is called projective cognition. Here is an example: One day, a woman became unhappy with her child and lost her patience.

When the child said, "I'm hungry, when will we have lunch?", the lady suddenly shouted, "I can't believe you are so selfish. Didn't you see that it's not even lunch time yet?" ?” The woman was actually projecting; what she was actually saying was, “I’m tired and I don’t want to move anymore, let’s make lunch or something, but that’s selfish of me. I cannot accept this idea, so I will say that this idea comes from you and it is your fault."

The child always believes what her mother tells her, and she tries to understand why. The mother will get angry over a normal thing like needing food when she is hungry. He may draw the following inferences:

(1) The mother is angry because of her;

(2) It was selfish of her to make this request. Once you realize these two things, unhealthy feelings of guilt begin to build up.

2 Reasons for Guilt

Adult children may want to know whether their borderline parent is consciously using guilt as a tool because that is how they feel. . We will talk about parental responsibilities later, but whether they do it intentionally or not, patients will always induce guilt in others in various ways.

They will:

◆ Control your environment and minimize unknowns.

◆Criticizing other people’s wishes or desired results is immoral.

◆Refuse to take responsibility for one's own actions, refuse to accept one's own feelings, and are unwilling to face one's own thoughts.

Given the experiences you had while growing up, it may be more difficult to figure out the source of your guilt when you look back on them with mixed feelings. Guilt can show up in families in subtle ways, and a few unforgettable moments are not enough to illustrate the role it plays in family relationships. In fact, it’s those countless moderately positive experiences that reinforce your feelings.

Adult children may feel guilty and responsible for their borderline parent. Here are a few reasons why they may feel guilty:

Reality Know the difference

It is not okay to know the difference; borderline parents will impose their knowledge on others as the correct knowledge. For example, Micah told his parents that he would help them paint their house if he was free that weekend and not too tired. What his parents heard (and that's what they hoped for) was, "I'm going to help you paint your house." When the weekend came, Micah decided not to do this and informed his parents of his decision. His parents responded, "Oh, but Micah, we were counting on you. You said you would come. What would we do without you?"

Criticism and accusation

Unkind accusations and false blame can also trigger feelings of guilt.

If you constantly hear people tell you that you messed up, that your behavior was inappropriate, that you shouldn't have done it (or should have done something you didn't do)... you'll start to believe that you've failed them, and should be held responsible for this. You may even begin to wonder if you feel their accusations are wrong because you forgot that you actually did it. Your parents' beliefs play a huge role in your feelings of guilt.

Find yourself in a lose-lose situation

No matter what you do, it is wrong. For example, if you defend yourself, your parents may tell you why you are so "stubborn" or ask you to stop being so blind or sensitive. If you don't defend yourself, he may feel that you are acquiescing to his accusations. No matter what, you are the one who suffers.

You will start to feel that the responsibility lies with you and feel guilty. Lili remembers being criticized several times for things she didn't do. Whenever she defended herself and her parents didn't believe her, she would cry out of sadness. At this time, her mother would laugh at her, "Why are you crying? Are you sad because you were caught? Baby, you are quite ashamed."

In another example, Xueli Remembering her mother's most recent birthday. "She told me not to buy her a gift - she wanted me to save the money to renovate the house. On her birthday, I sent her a card and called her. She said glumly on the phone that the card was nice. , but I am a little disappointed. You know, your sister gave me a big bouquet of flowers."

Denial and projection

Borderline parents deny the impact of their actions and blame you in turn. . For example, your parents might make a cruel joke on you and if you don't laugh, they'll say, "Don't you think my jokes are funny? Why are you always so serious?" Or if you catch your parents doing something When something bad happens, they will project their feelings and say things like, "You think I'm difficult to get along with? If you weren't so narcissistic, you would find that the difficult person is actually you."

Play the victim’s parents. You may have heard words like, "I have paid so much for you, but you..." "You don't know how much I have sacrificed..." "I knew you would treat me like this..." "No matter how you treat me , I will love you."

Suppressing feelings

Because they think you are responsible for something, your father or mother may be cold to you, or become extremely angry until Until you admit your mistake and apologize.

3 Stop and Think: Guilt

Think about the role guilt plays in your life and in your relationship with your parents. What are you guilty of? Make a list of these things, and don't beat yourself up in the process, and don't think, "I know I shouldn't be blaming myself for this..." You may feel guilty for:

You may feel guilty because of the following situations:

◆ Not spending the holidays with your parents***

◆ Rejecting your parents’ request to visit or communicate

◆The sacrifices your parents have made for you over the years

◆Be proud of your achievements

◆The anger your parents burst out on last Thanksgiving

◆Accept help or gifts from others

◆Hope that your father or mother will die, "go away", or disappear from your sight

To help you think, you also Try this exercise adapted from the book No More Walking on Thin Ice.

Use your own experience to complete the following sentences:

◆I feel guilty for wanting/not wanting to....

◆I feel guilty for what I did/did not do....

◆I feel guilty for feeling/not feeling….

◆I feel guilty for saying/not saying...

◆I feel guilty for believing/not believing....

◆I feel guilty for questioning/not questioning...

◆I feel guilty for having/not having....

◆I feel guilty for showing/not showing...

◆I feel guilty for what I did/did not do to….

◆I feel guilty for what I should/shouldn’t have done.

Think about why you feel guilty about the things on the list (again, “why”, not “should”). What role does guilt play in your family, and how does it reinforce your sense of responsibility for something?

4. Admit your feelings, that’s all

One of the positive effects of guilt is that normal guilt can help you correct your mistakes. But how do you know if your feelings of guilt are normal and if your guilt is caused by something you did (or didn’t do)? This question is difficult to answer. Because there may indeed be some real elements in the accusations made by parents with borderline personality traits.

For example, your parents may say, "Why do you always have a bad face when you talk to me? Why are you angry with me? How have I ever failed you?" Your parents' questions indicate that they are unwilling to admit it. Hold yourself responsible for your anger (they use denial and projection as defensive tools). But the part about them saying you "don't have a nice face" when talking to them is probably true. Stop and think: Should I feel guilty?

It can be confusing to analyze each case one by one, but there are methods that can help you analyze your feelings of guilt and figure out whether you should let go of them.

Answer the following questions:

◆Is the criticism of me appropriate to the mistakes I made? (No matter what, you should admit that no one is a saint, and no one can make mistakes.)

 ◆Have I ever violated the boundaries that others have told me?

◆Have I ever made a promise and then not kept it?

◆Am I really responsible for this? Can I control the outcome?

◆What is my purpose or motivation?

◆What intuition do I have about the development of the situation and my own responsibility?

◆Assuming a similar situation, would my close friend (or idol) think that I should be responsible for this?

◆Are my words and actions the result of self-defense or self-protection?

There are also some questions you can ask yourself:

◆ Even though you are not responsible, you still feel guilty. What consequences does this bring to you? Is this feeling sucking your energy and energy, taking up your time, and affecting your health?

◆Did feelings of guilt contribute to your relationship with your parents in some way? Does this make you feel like you have more control over things? Does guilt fuel your life in other ways?

◆What do you hope to gain by eliminating feelings of guilt and need for responsibility?

If you think your feelings of guilt are normal, consider how you can correct your behavior. If you find that some of your feelings of guilt are abnormal, then you need to take steps to get rid of these feelings and stop taking on more responsibility than you deserve.

5. Get Rid of Guilt

One of the keys to getting rid of guilt is to truly understand the fact that you cannot control what other people think. If your father views you as the worst child in the world because you refuse to take his side in a family war, think about it, that's not something you can control. If your mother tells you not to buy her a birthday present and then feels disappointed because you don't, you don't have to feel guilty.

You don’t have to always explain to others, or respond to every accusation and criticism of you. A simple "That's terrible, I'm sorry you feel that way" is enough. Randy Clegg and Paul Shirley put together a list of words you can use when you feel you need to explain yourself or defend yourself.

We have made some changes to this list:

◆I’m sorry, but I can’t.

◆I’m sorry this makes you sad.

◆I just can’t do it.

◆I understand your thoughts, but I still can only reject you.

◆That is your choice; I also have my choice.

◆I know I have done that for you in the past, but not this time.

◆What you said makes sense, but my answer is still "no".

◆I understand how you feel and hope you can find other solutions.

You may want to practice these words in front of a mirror, a trusted friend, or a therapist so that you can confidently say them your way, with the right tone and body language. You may still find it difficult to actually face this situation and surrender and say, "Okay, never again." But if you don't accept those emotions that are not yours to bear, your self-esteem will increase accordingly. The psychological root of excessive self-blame and guilt 3

The psychological root of excessive self-blame and guilt actually comes from the education that everyone receives since childhood, because from the time when we are sensible, our parents will begin to educate us. You must know that honor and disgrace distinguish right from wrong. Generally, when children do something wrong, parents will say something like "Is it shameful to do so"? They feel that this will make the child feel ashamed and belittle the child's feelings. As a result, the child's self-esteem will be hurt and he will feel that he has done something wrong. If you do something wrong, you must be ashamed. It must be your own fault.

But in fact, if you cannot understand wrong behavior, if things go on like this, your children will be like this when they grow up. Once they encounter something wrong, they will look for the reason in themselves and feel that it is all their own problems. There will be a lot of self-blame and guilt.

If you keep thinking about one thing and can’t get rid of it, you can try to divert your attention and do things that interest you. You can also go out and see more. This way Just take your time. Of course, if this happens for a long time, for more than three months, it is recommended to go to the hospital to see a psychologist.