I am 53 years old and still not married...

I am 53 years old, probably the oldest among the respondents. As a supervisor in a company, my salary is neither too high nor too low. I have always maintained above the average salary in Shenzhen. I don’t like children. , I was also very afraid of marriage, so I chose not to get married and have children. Mainly because I yearn for freedom, don't like children, and also have frigidity.

Because I have a strong personality, my parents didn't dare to speak against me because they always had to quarrel, but they still had regrets. Although they didn't force me later, they left with regrets. He never saw his daughter get married in his lifetime, and he could not have a grandchild. My brother was stolen when he was a child and his whereabouts are still unknown.

Since they left, I have been confused and empty, and have fallen into deep thinking. Is it right or wrong for me to have persisted for so many years? Why don’t I try to find a good man and give birth to a child? This family brings joy and energy. At least, I still have a family now. I still have a family in my 70s and 80s.

The result of my not choosing to do that is that now I have no family, no family, no family, no family, no family. I don’t know if you understand this deep feeling of loneliness. ? When I was young, I was very independent. I dared to come to Shenzhen with my fellow villagers and had no dependence on my family. Loneliness was only a temporary loneliness. I got used to it once I got used to living in this city, because at that time, I still had my parents in my hometown, and I still had expectations every year. Being able to go home, the strange thing is that now, the loneliness that I felt when I first came to Shenzhen comes again one after another, and I still linger because I have no family ties to help me dispel it, and I can't go home.

It turns out that the reason why I have not gotten married for so many years is not because I am independent and strong, but because my family and my parents are here, and they gave me the confidence not to get married.

Some people say that without children you can be free and travel wherever you want? But how many people really like to travel? Are you willing to travel all the time? Those who think that traveling is so good all day long are just because they are tired from work and stressed. Traveling is just a way to relax. I have been to many places and even got tired of traveling. I am already tired and want to go home, but now I have no home. . Now I don’t even dare to travel, I feel like I’m wandering.

To avoid losing freedom when you are young, you will pay the price in middle age and old age, either freedom or loneliness. There are not so many people in the world who have the best of both worlds.

When I post travel photos in the space, I will get the envy of my relatives and friends, saying that it would be great if I am as free as I am. They have children to take care of, or some are going to take care of grandchildren soon, but they also I have said that they would not be willing to change my previous life. They still think family is the most important thing.

A home without family is not a home, it is just a place to live, even if it is yours. Some people are relatively lucky, and their parents may still be there when they are 50 or 60 years old, but by that time, their parents will be almost 80 or 90 years old, and they will not be far away. Sooner or later I will face the day I am now.

When you are in a bad mood or lonely, go out with friends. Because we are in the city, gatherings are not convenient. They all have to work. Either they are busy with work, I am not free or they are not. They have no time to take care of their children, have to accompany their husbands, or have appointments with other friends. The time often does not match up, and they always feel that they have fewer and fewer friends now.

I am not worried about old-age care. After all, I have savings, and I will have social security and pension in the future. I am also worried about old-age care. I am afraid of inflation, and I am afraid that the social security and pension will be exhausted in the future, and I don’t dare to spend money arbitrarily. It is such a wonderful thought to say that a person can spend what he wants. At my age, a childless person would not even dare to spend money. Those who dare to spend money frivolously must either have really rich families or be stupid. Anyway, at this age and with this income, I don’t dare to spend money frivolously. I don’t dare to invest randomly for fear of losing everything. I lost more than 200,000 in P2P investment before. Inflation is inflation. Bank deposits are more reliable than any other investment.

Before 2008, I saved more than 400,000 for my own retirement. At that time, I was naive and thought it was enough. At that time, it was equivalent to more than 1 million today, but inflation was too strong. The current 400,000 It only lasts me 6 years. I don’t know if the money I save now will be spent in 10 or 20 years.

I have been sick before, but I don’t have to worry about money. I have insurance and savings. My mother used to take care of me when she was still alive. Now that she is gone, I can only take care of myself. I once had uterine tumors. I didn’t know who to call during the surgery. In the end, I had no choice but to call my cousin to help take care of me, but she was obviously not so willing. After all, I didn’t raise her, and she also had her own life, her own family, and of course Call the caregiver, but there are some things where just calling the caregiver is not enough.

As I get older, there are more and more various diseases. I can still sign my own name for such a minor operation. I don’t know what to do when I can’t sign in the future. I am also afraid that I will suddenly develop dementia and be at the mercy of others. I really hope they don't torture me, just give me a break and I can contribute.

I found that I actually like children. I asked them to bring out the grandchildren of my friends and the children of relatives. It was only then that my motherly love burst out. Maybe I am that kind of child. A grandma who doesn’t love her son or daughter but will love her grandson. Although my friend didn't say anything, I felt that she saw my loneliness and might privately pity me. At this time, it seemed so ridiculous to not get married because I didn't like children when I was young.

I used to think that I was independent-minded and didn’t want to engage in old-age care. But now I feel that those who say raising children to provide for old-age are really just for someone to provide for them in old age? Not necessarily, maybe some people just want to leave a family for themselves during their lifetime. Having family around gives them motivation and hope.

I have seen nursing homes. If I don’t live to be 80 years old in an expensive nursing home, I won’t be able to afford it, not counting inflation, rising costs and other factors. General nursing homes are not that good. Most nursing homes are lifeless and lifeless. They seem to have only one purpose left, which is to wait for death. I am scared when I see them. I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life there.

The house is very quiet now, so quiet that it is eerily quiet. There are only the sounds of dogs and no human words. There is no midnight snack or sugar water when I go back. In the past, when my parents were here, they would still talk, but now it is so quiet. horrible. I can only work overtime tomorrow and sleep when I get home. Hearing the laughter of children from the neighbors made me feel a little lonely again. There is a dog at home, which is my only sustenance, but now I really want to give up the dog. I am not cruel, because in two years, she will be ten years old and will be gone. Then it will be another heavy blow. I don’t want to keep a dog anymore.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had home-cooked food. I used to want to work overtime to earn more money, order takeout, and go out to eat with my colleagues. My parents wanted to prepare a meal for me and they never went back to eat. But now I don’t even want to cook anymore. What’s the difference between a cold meal and a takeaway meal? You only learn to cherish when you lose.

The Chinese New Year is the scariest part. My relatives asked me to celebrate the Chinese New Year with them, but I didn’t want to go there for the first time. It was just for comparison, so I could only go out to travel to escape, or go out wandering to celebrate the New Year.

From the age of 30 to 40, there was more happiness than pain. Because I had a high income and was still young, traveling around seemed wonderful. My peers who were married and had children all envied me.

But when I am over 40 years old, my parents are getting older, and I am getting older too. I cannot compete with young people, and I dare not tell them about the pressure. The pain begins to outweigh the happiness. I am getting more and more lonely and painful, but I still can't tell my friends. I'm afraid they will laugh at me, and I'm afraid they will be pitiful. I can only pretend that I am cool and free, and there is no one to talk to, so I can only find a ** *Talk to friends who don’t have many friends.

Before my parents passed away, I was an independent and strong woman, and I did not rely on them. I always thought that they could not live without me, but now I know that I, who have no children, cannot live without them.

My life was full of sunshine when they were alive, and I could marry whatever I wanted to have children. Only then did I realize that the reason why I didn’t get married was because they were still there, and they were still with me, but I almost forgot that they had also left. One day, after they are gone, I will face a long life of loneliness.

After your parents pass away, it is even more painful, because you have no family anymore, only relatives, but relatives are relatives after all. I always thought that I would face this situation when I was over 60, but I didn't expect that it would happen earlier. I arrive home every day. When I was young, I was never afraid of living alone in Shenzhen, because at that time I knew that my father and mother were still in my hometown.

Now I finally understand why my peers don’t dare to choose my path, because they have long foreseen my current pain, and would rather be young and sacrifice more freedom and more pain. , do not want to be old and have no family members, and the sky should not respond and the earth should not work. Or just out of habit.

No matter which path you choose, you will regret it. If you get married and have children, you will regret it when you are young. If you are unmarried and have no children, you will regret it when you are old. You will always pay the price of your choice. Most of the people on Zhihu are young people. , the DINK people are not as old as me now, and I don’t want to mislead young people, making you think that being unmarried and having no children means that DINK means all kinds of freedom, all kinds of good things, all kinds of coolness. I will only lie to my friends, not you. There is beauty, but there is also regret and pain, but I also believe that you are not so stupid as to think that there is only happiness.

Those who are in a similar situation to me are even worse than me who have no money, and those who are richer than me are slightly better off.

In your later years, especially those who are only children, you will be like me. In the reincarnation of heaven, your parents will be old. You may be lucky. Your parents will be 80 or 90 years old, and you will be in your 60s. Try my pain now. But I think the blow I faced at that time would be greater.

I always thought I was strong, but now I feel like it would be nice if my brother was here. At least I have a family, but it’s useless and I don’t want to look for him anymore. It’s useless to have a brother who has no feelings.

Some things can no longer go back. I no longer have the motivation to fight. For myself, for what, in order to survive? Pursue freedom? The price of freedom is endless pain, ending your family early and becoming a loner. In a normal family, this day may never come in a lifetime. Either there are children or there is an old couple.

Now I have been trying to find my brother, but I have no feelings, and I feel that it is useless to get him back. Without my parents, can our relationship be cultivated again? Then treat him as if he is no longer alive. It’s different from having a brother all the time.

Envy comes and goes, it’s just that I inside the besieged city want to get out, and you outside the besieged city want to come in. They all think it's better outside.

It’s okay to have a job now. Like a maniac who works overtime, I will go home as late as possible. I had sugar water to drink when I went home the year before last, but now I don’t. After retirement, I may adopt a child from a relative. , they will help take it with them during the summer vacation, and you can ask them to come over to finish it. You can also make up classes in Shenzhen.

It is not realistic to adopt a child now. First of all, I don’t have time to look after him and take care of her. To be honest, I want to make more money while I can still work. Money is important to me now and it is work that eases my mood.

I don’t know why I started to like children now, and I don’t know if I would like them if I really gave birth to a child? Just like now, I may feel that vigorous vitality. I only realize the cuteness of children when I am old. Now I often ask my cousin’s grandson to come over and play. I buy a lot of things for him. I hope to retire and help her raise a grandson. Or a granddaughter, maybe she won’t be so lonely. I don’t want anything, and I won’t let her take care of her in old age. I just hope that they can remember my kindness and come to see me more in the future.

I have only been reading Zhihu without answering. I am a little surprised that it suddenly became popular. Zhihu, which was originally quiet these days, has become so restless. Thank you young man for your advice. In fact, I also read some of the answers from many girls who did not want to get married. They urged marriage and argued with their parents. Coupled with the influence of some things around me, I suddenly felt deeply and wrote this answer. To be honest, I'm not that pessimistic. After all, I still have a job. It's just that deep-rooted loneliness. After working hard in Shenzhen for more than 30 years, I'm back. It's like going back to the confusion and loneliness I felt when I first arrived in Shenzhen decades ago. helpless. I don’t lack friends, I just don’t have a home.

The main thing I want to say is, you either have a partner or a child, you don’t want anything at all. You only have the confidence now that your family is here, and you need to spend time with your family. Friends at work are important, but family is even more important. I feel now , the time spent with them is still too little. I didn’t have the conditions to take care of them before, but now I have the conditions to take care of them. They didn’t enjoy happiness for a long time, but they left.

Those who are urging marriage, please also understand your parents well. Don't be as ignorant as I was before, quarreling or having a cold war with them. Sit down and talk, don't break their hearts, they are also doing it for your own good. They can't tell you any big truths, or you won't listen to them when they tell you the big truths. It's like the ignorance of youth. Don't be rebellious and hurt your parents' hearts like you were in adolescence. Only when you grow up and become a parent do you regret your youthful impulses.

Source: Zhihu, the author is anonymous, just listen to a story!