Liu Xiahui jokes daquan

20 passages from James Wang Jiesheng's Non-anthology

Huang Junsheng is recognized as the "godfather of Ci" in Hong Kong. He has composed many classic songs handed down from ancient times, such as Shanghai Beach, Laughing at the Sea, Under the Lion Rock, A Man Should Strive for Self-improvement, My China Heart, Ghost Story of a Ghost Girl, Qian Shan Wanshui, Under the Lion Rock, Forget about Smoke and Water, Love in Years, etc. Zhan Shu's works can be summed up by the word "chivalrous". Whether it is the theme song of TV series, philosophy of life or all feelings, his chivalry, heroism, righteousness and national spirit are all revealed. 1At about 4: 50am on October 24th, Mr. Huang Jiren passed away in Hongkong.

"No Anthology" is the most popular anthology in David Henry Hwang, setting a record for the republishing of Hong Kong bestsellers. David Henry Hwang's literary talent is flying, his personality is free and easy, and he is called the four great talents with Jin Yong, Ni Kuang and Cai Lan. He is called a "genius" among the four, and his ideas and creativity are always amazing. David Henry Hwang is rich in works, one of which is still the best-selling single in Hong Kong, and that is No Collection. This collection of adult jokes told by David Henry Hwang in his early years has been reprinted 6 times/kloc-0 times, and no one has broken it so far.

I have heard many songs written by Mr. Huang Junsheng, and I am deeply touched. And "no anthology" also has a different taste. So choose one of the classic passages to collect!

1. Elephant trunk

The idiot saw a turtle egg and asked the vendor what it was. The peddler said it looked like an egg. Fools go home and hatch like eggs in a quilt. For a long time, I couldn't figure it out, so I asked my stupid wife to explore what was seen. The silly wife looked at it and said:&; Uot soon! I see the elephant trunk! & ampuot

2. There is too little not written.

There are short jokes in the first film of Xu Guanwen and Samuel Hui brothers, so it's best not to touch words to enjoy them.

That's the Xu Shi brothers in the bathhouse. Xu Di Guan Jie said to Xu Xiong Guan Wen:&; Uot Hey, why are your eyes so big and small? & ampuot

Brother Xu answered:&; Is uot ugly? & ampuot

Xu Di said:&; Uot No, it's just not very pretty &; uot。

Brother Xu said angrily:&; Uot, have you read a photo book? The book says that men, big and small, must be developed! & ampuot

So a man who bathed beside the Hsu brothers looked into the water and suddenly felt at ease. The whole person is on cloud nine and will be developed soon.

This is a very unwritten joke, but it is not elegant; This is an advanced unwritten joke.

However, the audience in the theater didn't respond at all to this scene that made Wen laugh wildly. Is the audience too small?

3. The Lion Heart King and the Chastity Belt

It is said that when European kings and noble warriors went through the Crusades, they were afraid that their helmets would change color after years of coming back, so they invented a chastity belt to lock the lower part of women so that those who intentionally invaded private territory could not enter.

Richard, the Lionheart King, was naturally unwilling to use the ordinary chastity belt because of his prominent position, so he specially asked his blacksmith Shi Mifu to design a new style. If a foreign body invades, the organ will tilt and break in two at once.

After the lion heart king was captured, he was released back to China. He immediately looked at what the queen was wearing and found that the chastity belt mechanism seemed to have been used many times, knowing fairly well. Because the forbidden palace of the lion king is deep and strict, outsiders are not allowed to enter, so only the aristocratic warriors in the court can have the opportunity to invade the queen. So they called people together and made an inspection around the round table. Everyone knows not to take off You Ke. As soon as he flew together, he found that all the samurai had only one word left, and only one Darth Vader was intact. Of course Lionheart is angry. So he ordered all beheadings, leaving only the black knight who was not a eunuch to find another reward in his room.

After beheading, the lion-hearted king said to the black knight:&; Uot's lonely king has dozens of confidants, and you are the only one who is loyal. Others are the ones who made mistakes in the crisis. I am very happy with your loyalty, and I hope you will get rich rewards. Just state what you want, anything will do. The lonely king now orders you to be honest. What are you willing to reward? & ampuot

The dark knight didn't dare to speak for a long time. The Lion Heart King asked him many questions. The dark knight began to speak, his mouth moved, but his words were gone, his lips were open and he could not speak. Darth vader, his tongue is broken!

Step 4 be willing to cut a piece

It is said that a local king in the Middle East went to a restaurant in Bao Dao, met a wine girl and fell in love with her amorous feelings, so he wanted to get a job measuring pearls.

When the wine girl saw a fat sheep, she opened her mouth and asked for a price:&; Uot, I want 10 million dollars! & ampuot

Mother tongue is not pure, a:&; Uot is willing to pay! & ampuot

The wine girl pushes her luck:&; Uot and a 100 carat diamond ring. & UOT Tu Wang answered:&; Uot is willing to send it! & ampuot

Originally, the wine girl had achieved her goal, but she still didn't want to, but she didn't want to offend each other too much, so & a difficult problem arose and stumped it & uot;

I hope your penis is at least a foot long. & ampuot

When the local king heard the language, his face was reluctant; But now my daughter is really better than the 3,000 beauties in the harem, so she thought about it and answered:&; Uot, okay! I want to cut a piece! & ampuot

5. Short stories

I remembered a short story.

The kindergarten teacher complained to the student's father: Mr. uot Bi, your son Xiaowen is cursing at school all day! & ampuot

Dad was so angry that people slapped him. Xiaowen's brother was in tears, but dad still wouldn't give up. He thundered loudly:

& ampuot！ Why are you crying? Swear like everyone else, and I'll fucking kill you! & ampuot

From this short story, I thought of the double standards of this world, father and son, husband and wife, men and women, all of which are [I can't be you].

Fathers can call names, but sons should obey the rules; A husband can be lewd, a woman can be played with, and a wife can't steal Han; Men can hook up with each other and have sex with each other, but women should behave themselves.

Some people say that this is because they hate bad things, so they don't want others to repeat the same mistakes, so they set double standards, forgive and severely blame others. However, in an uneducated [unwritten point of view], this is downright selfish!

6. The story of the old woman

An old woman, without love in her life, decided to commit suicide. But because I didn't know enough about suicide, I asked my friends.

The friend said:&; Uot, you shot several times in the left and right chest with your gun, and you were killed immediately. The pain lasts only a few seconds. & ampuot

A few days later, my friend saw that the old woman was still alive, but her left foot was lame, so my friend asked for details.

& UOT, don't you want to kill yourself? & uot&uot thought! & uot The old woman replied:&; Uot, but your method won't work! & uot&uot Why&; Uot friend asked.

& UOT, I don't know. & uot's mother-in-law replied:&; Uot, you told me to point the gun at my left chest, and I fired three shots. Maybe I'm not a good marksman and my position is half an inch lower. As a result, the chest is not straight and the kneecap is broken! & UOT, the mother-in-law, was originally called grandma by everyone.

Somehow, after she was fifty years old, everyone called her papaya milk behind her back.

7. The story in the ovary

It is said that there are four eggs, talking about the future in the ovary.

The first one said:&; Uot If I am lucky enough to be an adult in the future, I must look like Leslie Cheung! & ampuot

The second one said:&; Uot is not good! I want to be Chow Yun Fat. & ampuot

The third said:&; Uot I don't want to be a man, I want to be a woman, and I'd rather be Joey Wong! & ampuot

After the argument, the fourth one said:&; Uot, stop arguing! Look who's here. & ampuot

Three eggs turned around and said in unison:&; Uot is Mai Jia! & ampuot

8. The story of the porter

One year in the late Qing Dynasty, there was a county grandfather who was born in abject poverty. His father used to be a sedan chair bearer.

After the county magistrate became a magistrate, of course, he didn't want anyone to know his origin; So, when I took my father to enjoy happiness, I begged him not to tell me that he was the father of grandpa in the county.

Father didn't want to be the boss at first, but later he came to his senses. After all, it hurt his son's reputation as an official, so he kept silent, never said he was the father of the county grandfather in front of people, and enjoyed his retirement with peace of mind.

But is it easy to enjoy happiness? County grandfather's father is used to being a sedan chair bearer and working. Once he has nothing to do, he feels bored. Finally, I couldn't stop, so I said to my son:&; Uot son, this is really not good! & ampuot

& uot Why not? Grandpa in&UOT County asked Dad.

Then grandpa's father said that he would rather be a sedan chair bearer again. At first, the county grandfather refused, of course, but the old sedan chair bearer insisted. Finally, the son agreed.

But it's not good to ask dad to carry others; So the father and son agreed to let the father carry their son's sedan chair.

The official sedan chair that the county grandfather sat in was a big sedan chair for four people.

Of course, a sedan chair for four people needs four people to carry it.

That is to say, in addition to grandpa's father, there are three bearers.

These three porters, young and strong, are the best porters in the county.

Of course, the three young bearers were dissatisfied with the old bearers.

There are many reasons for dissatisfaction. The first reason is that the old bearers are not strong enough. The second reason is that the county grandfather obviously favors him. Not only is he not harsh, but the food is also very good. He eats big fish and meat, chickens, ducks, pigeons and geese for three meals a day, and occasionally adds some vegetables.

With these three grievances, the three bearers took the opportunity to complain to the county grandfather.

Hearing this, the County Grandfather explained to the three bearers:&; Uot, please calm down, I don't know, old sedan-chair bearers and Xiaguan's wives often do this! & ampuot

After listening to the explanation, the three bearers retired with great satisfaction.

But then he sneered at the old sedan chair bearer. Finally, the old sedan-chair bearer had no choice but to ask:&; Uot Fuck you, why are you doing this to me? & ampuot

The three bearers said,&; Uot damn it, you old ghost, you think we don't know, you are lucky because he fucked your wife! & ampuot

The old sedan chair bearer flew into a rage. Uot, he fucked my wife? Damn it, don't ask his mother, I fuck him every night! & ampuot

9. The story of lame myna

There is a walking bird and beast shop. One day, a male myna hung in front of the door, and the price was 10 thousand Hong Kong dollars.

A myna costs 10,000 yuan, which naturally attracts people's attention. Moreover, it is strange that this myna is lame in both feet and only stands on the crossbar with the penis. So this incident didn't attract much attention. I wrote a close-up for this myna, introduced it in detail, and explained the characteristics of this myna: this lame myna can understand everything from astronomy to geography, and its IQ is 20 times higher than that of the average person.

The day after the article was published, a middle-aged man walked into a bird and beast shop and bought this myna with cash.

Myna is naturally grateful:&; Master uot, you spent a lot of money. When I come back, I swear I will listen to you in the future. & ampuot

The master said:&; Uot is great, in fact, I have another purpose when you come back! & ampuot

Starling replied:&; Uot, I'm willing to go through fire and water. & ampuot

The master said:&; Uot, I suspect that my wife will cheat on someone after work every day. I want you to monitor everything at home, pretend not to talk in front of my wife, and tell the truth when I come back! & ampuot

Starling said:&; Uot, of course! But why not invite them? & ampuot

The host replied:&; Uot, I spent more than 10,000 yuan, but I can't find any clues, so I have to work for you! & ampuot

Starling said:&; Where's the servant at uot's house? & ampuot

The host said:&; The servants in uot's family are all my wife's confidants. & ampuot

Starling said:&; Uot then you don't have to worry, in short, everything is on me! & ampuot

So the master took the starling back. It is quiet at night. The next day, the master went to work. I managed to get home after work. I saw myna's face gaunt, and the bird cage was covered with feathers from myna.

The host quickly asked:&; Uot, what happened? Did you see anything? & ampuot

Starling said:&; Uot look, I see some, but not in detail! & ampuot

The host asked:&; What does uot see? & ampuot

Starling replied:&; Uot, as soon as you went to work, your footman Ah Fu immediately entered your wife's room! & ampuot

People got angry and said:&; Uot Damn it, it's him. So what? & ampuot

Starling replied:&; Uot then he took off his clothes, naked! & ampuot

The master gnashed his teeth & this moment: uot What about my wife? & ampuot

Starling:&; Uot and then your wife began to take off her clothes. She took off her coat first, then the skirt, then the bust, and finally the underwear. & ampuot

At this time, the master was angry and sad, and quickly asked,&uot, what happened to the two of them? & ampuot

Starling speechless, it took half a ring before answering:&; Uot, I didn't see it! & ampuot

The master said angrily:&; Uot, why? Are they closed? & ampuot

Starling said:&; Uot is not like this. It's just that when I saw your wife take it off, I couldn't stand it anymore. I fell off the crossbar, hit my head on the bottom plate of the birdcage and fainted. & ampuot

10. The story of the road

Another man was driving in the desert of some country. He was very thirsty. After driving for several hours, he finally saw something in front.

A small cafe by the road. So my friend stopped the car. Strangely, the parking lot of this cafe is full of all kinds of big cars, including Mercedes-Benz, BMW and Rolls-Royce.

When my friend entered the cafe, he found no one in it. After drinking coffee, he kept asking the waiter.

Moderator: "Hey, man, why are there so many cars parked in your parking lot, and each one is expensive?"

The host replied, "My four-year-old son won a bet with the guests!" " "

My dear friend's curiosity came: "How to gamble?"

The host said, "It's very simple. My son is a genius. He gambled with his guests for ten rounds, as long as they could do ten things with him.

Guests can choose a car to drive away in our parking lot: if they lose it, they must leave the car and walk away.

My dear friend keeps asking, "Can I see your son?"

The host said, "Yes, but, sir, I advise you not to gamble with my son."

My dear friend is naturally unconvinced: "Why?"

The host replied, "I think you lost in three rounds?"

My dear friend is even more unconvinced: "He looks down on me! I don't believe what a four-year-old can do! I am afraid that his genius is not a genius! "

The host advised again: "You'd better stop gambling!" ! There are no buses here either. If the bus loses, you have to walk forty miles to get a taxi! "My dear friend, of course, there is nothing to say:" I insist on gambling! " "

So the master called his four-year-old son out. Dear friend, this so-called [genius] boy looks like a fool with a runny nose at first sight and doesn't care at all. After the gambling contract was signed, the host asked my dear friend and son to put on their clothes first.

Then press the bell on the wall, the door opened and a blonde of thirty-six, twenty-one and thirty-six came in. this

A blonde, dressed like a man and a genius, is all [shroud].

So the little genius first slept with the naked blonde and kissed each other for five minutes. My dear friend, of course, follow the steps, not just follow them.

Do it, add ingredients, and kiss the blonde for another ten minutes.

The host said, "This is the first thing. You are dead."

The second thing is to kiss, but this time it is not a kiss on the mouth, but two things under the mouth and on the anus and navel. As a result, my friend won again, winning the beauty, because he kissed the little genius for twenty minutes more.

Then the third round begins. The master ordered his son to say, "Bend your little thing with your hand three times."

My dear friend, as expected, I lost the third round.

1 1. The legend of the scale

Among the women in China, Hakka women have always been very diligent and extremely hardworking. They work hard and complain. Under the scorching sun, they operate in Tanaka and seldom complain. There are few such examples among women in other places. Why are they like this? It is said that there is a story.

Once upon a time, there was a Hakka who was very rich, but later his family came down to work in the fields, but it was hard to work in Tanaka. So the man went home at sunset, fell asleep after dinner and refused to perform his solemn ceremony with his wife. In this way, the lady has a husband, and if she doesn't have a husband, she becomes a widow. But at that time, the woman's family could not ask her husband about it, so she was speechless. But after a long time, I can't care so much anymore. I asked my husband questions.

& UOT Hey, Dad, A Niu, what are you doing? We haven't done this for seven or eight months. & uot&uot I know! & uot's husband's answer

& UOT, why ...&; Uot & uo, alas! I have no strength! & uot's husband sighed.

& uot; How good were you before &; Uot's wife said. & uo How many people have served in our family before? Now that we have all the money, we have no strength to work in the fields! & ampuot

& UOT, you are talking nonsense! & UOT A Niu's mother refused:&; Uot her husband goes to work in the fields every day! & uot&uot; They are used to it! & uot A Niu replied:&; Uot, I'm not used to it! & ampuot

I don't believe that farming is so difficult. I'll show you tomorrow! & ampuot

This Hakka lady is also an activist. Early the next morning, she really went to work in the fields and worked all day. Her face is not red, and she is out of breath! Not only has he not changed his appearance, but he looks stronger.

& uot is not difficult at all. You lied to me ...&; Uot A Niu's mother said.

& uot wife! Of course you don't work hard! & uot Zhang Tian replied:&; Uot, you're not like me! & ampuot

What's the difference between & uot? & uot As a wife, is it so easy to accept her husband's explanation?

& uot, of course not! & UOT's husband said:&; Uot, you are as light as a swallow. I hang that scale every day! & ampuot

& uo I don't know what you are going to say! & uot's wife said.

& UOT, I have that bag! & uot husband's finger:&; Uot, you don't have that bag. You don't know how difficult it is. If you don't believe me, you can hang weighing scale on your body tomorrow and have a look on the spot the next day! & ampuot

So [Action] A Niu, the mother of Hakka eldest sister-in-law, naively put a scale on a certain part of her body and went to the fields the next day for careful verification.

Going home at dusk, my husband asked as soon as they met:&; Uot, what's wrong! & ampuot

My wife is too tired to talk back.

& UOT Mom, A Niu, do you think I can stay with you without working hard, and you will ...&; Uot's husband said.

Therefore, this kind Hakka woman is responsible for the work in the field.

And gradually spread. After Hakka women, they replaced men's work in the fields!

12. A bunch of legends

It is said that women only need to wear low-cut clothes to cover their bent legs.

Abalone is the most nourishing yin. One banana and two walnuts are the best for tonifying kidney at the same time.

The most ideal woman, that sentence should be placed horizontally, not vertically, because once it is horizontal, the more legs are stretched, the tighter things are.

People who say [there is plenty of time] do it for [tonight is short].

Giving birth to a daughter is called making tiles, because tiles are chess pieces.

Adam is the founder of streaking.

Some women are afraid to eat snakes for fear that they will drill holes.

If girls are not stupid, the whole world will be old aunts.

A girl who kisses with her eyes closed, because she doesn't like people who kiss him.

A girl who kisses with her eyes open is to see if her eyes are closed.

When you are bitten by a rattlesnake, you will know who your real friends are.

Mary has a little sheep because a ram sleeps in Mary's bed.

Your boyfriend gave you perfume, probably because you have body odor.

The difference between a lover and a husband is day and night.

When a woman wants to catch a man, she should shake the bait like a fisherman. .......

A dancer calls her beautiful boyfriend [Niu Liu] because he has no bones.

The first thing Eve said to Adam was:&; Uot for you, you idiot! & ampuot

[] used to be my son's curse.

The director of Paradise doesn't like Paradise because there are no friends there.

[Romeo! Romeo! Are you there? ] is the call of pregnant Juliet.

The couplet at the entrance of the Catholic cemetery in Hong Kong [My body will return to my hometown tonight, and his body will be the same as yours] was originally said by the escaped sperm to my brother who did not run out.

Peng Zu told this song to his three wives.

Because she has her period.

13. Kaifeng

The following story is true. The hero of the story is the son of a respected person in Hong Kong's cultural circles.

The young gentleman recently fell in love successfully and married the daughter of a bank tycoon.

The wedding banquet is full, and the guests are naturally celebrities. And speeches, and magistrates.

After the sheriff made a speech, the groom answered.

I saw the groom beaming, and when he looked forward, it was indeed a well-proportioned tree, and he looked around casually. When the sound is started, the rhyme is extremely sonorous.

However, the content of the speech was amazing.

The reason for the surprise is that the groom is very honest.

What the groom said was:&; Uot, we owe JP A, B and C to host the opening ceremony for us ... "

14. Roast pig

It turns out that in Guangdong, there should be no roast pig at the wedding banquet. The roast pig came back from the Three Dynasties, that is, three days after the bridal chamber, the groom [identified himself to the bride] and then took [children's towel] as circumstantial evidence to carry the roast pig over the bride's house on the day of [returning home].

But nowadays, most wedding banquets are held in front of caves. There must be roast pigs. I wonder if the groom is full of confidence in the bride or has other feelings?

15. Special feelings for roast pigs

There is a wedding banquet in front of the cave, but there is a roast pig on the table. Looks like the bride and groom. Before the official opening, they came to the private inspection, and the result of the private inspection proved that "my road is full of petals-I swept it for no one else, and now every door is open for you", so a roast pig dish was added above the wedding banquet to show that the bride tonight may have been there, but she is in Na Yue.

16. Marry a virgin

The custom of many nationalities insists that the groom should marry a virgin. But rarely ask the groom to agree.

This is naturally unfair. Obviously, this is a crime committed by the patriarchal social tradition.

In fact, a big man wants to marry a virgin only because he lacks self-confidence-he is afraid of his sexual ability, not as good as the elder who broke the melon for the bride's first night.

17. Legend

They say that if you want to get what you deserve, you must commit a crime first. ......

Happiness and anxiety differ by more than 20 days.

If she always comes on time. ......

Yuan Mei lewd said.

In the evening, I watched [anecdotes] and got Yuan Zicai's explanation of [lewdness], which was quite wonderful. Hand in hand, money reads aloud, lecherous illiterate friends.

[Those who cherish the fragrance of jade and are not tempted, saints: those who cherish the fragrance of jade and move, people also: those who don't know the fragrance of jade, animals also. People are not saints, but what about those who are interested in color? People are different from animals because they love jade and cherish fragrance.

Reasonable scholars in the world often take lewdness as a warning: Can reasonable scholars be saints? Pretending to lie is not as good as an animal's ear!

There is no Liu Xiahui in the world. Who can sit still? However, Liu Xiahui said it was neither chaotic nor bad! Love between men and women, great desire to exist: the heart of the creatures of heaven and earth, so.

Qilu has no concubine, but he is a villain: Xie An is a prostitute in Dongshan, and he is a gentleman. Lust has nothing to do with character. Why talk about it? ]

19. The color must be bad.

I remember an anecdote that I didn't write, which can be used as evidence of [color can't be bad].

Seeing the notes of the Qing Dynasty, I still remember that Shen Zhiren of Huzhou was appointed as Yunnan Post Road and was ordered to split the mountain for 80 miles. This mountain was isolated in Shan Ye at that time and has been inaccessible since the Han and Tang Dynasties. The servant is very poor. One day, when the mountain was cut down, a beautiful woman suddenly rushed out. The soldier was working in the cave. Among them, the young men with boiling blood saw more trees than women, so they immediately put down their work and ran out of the cave to watch the women screaming. The old man is premature, or pretending to be old or heavy, acting like he doesn't care, and still staying in the cave to operate.

But suddenly, with a bang, the cave collapsed, the lecherous was safe and sound, the soul sat on the sofa, his eyes were eating ice cream, and his life was safe and sound. Those who are indifferent to lust have suffered heavy casualties, with dozens of victims.

This shows that men of my generation can't be horny!

Besides, even if you die of lust, it is better than dying of lust. It's fun and enjoyable!

20. surname

There is a lantern riddle, and the riddle is very unwritten.

Everyone in India is several feet tall. Men ride on women. Monks already have this thing, but they don't need it after they become monks! ]

The answer has been announced, and readers are advised to ask.

Hope to adopt ~