An insecure girl grows up.

This girl was born in the most strict era of family planning. She is the second child in the family. In order to have a boy, her mother went out to escape when she was pregnant with a second child and came to live in a deserted place. She can't have three children because she is afraid of being born a girl. So her mother was in a state of fear and anxiety throughout pregnancy. Apart from mental stress, her life is very difficult. She has no food to eat. She finally waited for ten months.

My mother secretly lived with the girl at home, but I didn't expect to be complained, so I had to secretly give her away. The girl was brought up by her aunt. She was seven months old when she went. This girl is very shy. She cries for her mother every day. It is very difficult to take care of her. Two months later, her mother came to see her. She recognized her mother at a glance and smiled at her. Aunt said it was never a smile. Her mother went home crying.

When she was a child at her aunt's house, she heard the most from her neighbors, that is, when the children would come home, so she never felt a sense of belonging. At that time, grandma's relatives often asked the girl in front of her aunt and mother, who is your mother? The girl is embarrassed, because she dare not tell the truth, saying that her aunt is her mother, for fear that her mother will be sad, and saying that her mother is her mother, for fear that her aunt will be sad! So she was embarrassed. One day, she finally came up with a harmless answer, that is, when others ask again, she will answer me that there are two mothers in two fathers.

When the girl was eight, she was old enough to go to school. She can't go to school without a hukou, so her father asked her where you want to go to school, to your aunt's house or home. The girl thought for a moment and said, Go home. Although she has never been to that home, she is very strange, but she knows that her aunt's home does not belong to her after all, so she came back when she was eight years old!

The next year, when she was nine years old, her father took her to the kindergarten to report for duty. The teacher didn't want her because she was too old, so she was placed in the first grade. However, in the first grade, it was very difficult for her not to study for a day. She can do oral calculations, but she can't do exercises. He thought the paper was a shuttlecock test, because the dialect pronunciation was the same, so she was dumbfounded when the paper went down, and she didn't know why she sent a paper with words on it. She didn't know how to put the answer in brackets, so she filled it in the blank on the back of the test paper and made teachers and classmates laugh at her. She doesn't know why she took so few exams, but she knows how to do it. When she took the test paper home, her aunt couldn't laugh. Then she told the girl where the answer should be filled in!

The winter vacation of senior one is coming, and the teacher has to pay the tuition for the next semester every day. She knows that there is no money at home and can't ask her mother for money, so she hides behind the door every day and refuses to go to school. Her mother thinks that her grades are poor and she is introverted and refuses to go to school. She just has no money at home, so she has to follow her, and she didn't go to school in the second semester and is going to repeat next year!

The next year, when she was ten years old, she began to go to the first grade again. This year, she knows where the answer should be filled in. Her grades are among the best. When she was in the second grade, her mother went out to work with her father. She lives with her sister and brother at home with her grandmother, and she does half the housework at home! My sister always thinks she is the boss, and she is smart enough to make her work more. My brother also thinks this girl is easy to bully, and sometimes she will hit her, but she never strikes back because she can't bear to hit her brother. My sister asked her to work, but she never refused, because she knew that if she didn't do it, she would quarrel, and adults who quarreled would be angry. She can only tell herself, do it, you won't die, and you won't be scolded or nagged if you do it, so she won't say anything.

Her parents told her that the only way out is to go to school, because her legs are not good (she can't bear the burden and can't run), she can't do farm work, she is introverted, she won't quarrel and fight, she will be bullied in the countryside, and even her husband's family may not be easy to find, so she can only find a way out by going to school, being a literate person, and finding a literate object and eating by culture in the future, so she works hard and can only find a good object by improving herself.

She did well in junior high school, but in the third grade, besides her leg pain every day, she began to have a headache. She can't read After reading it for a long time, my eyes are very painful and painful, which can only delay my study time. If she really wants to throw up, she will sleep on the table, continue watching after sleeping, and have no time to play. Because of lack of time, sometimes she can't finish her homework until 2 pm.

Her parents didn't know all this, and she took it on her own, because she felt that there was no money to treat her at home and she didn't want to embarrass her parents, so she decided to study medicine to treat herself.

When she volunteered for the senior high school entrance examination, she thought she might not make it to the third year of high school. She felt that she had a very complicated disease, so she chose a health school and studied medicine as soon as possible. Her grades in the senior high school entrance examination are good enough for her to go to a senior high school or a nursing class in a health school, but she wants to work as soon as possible, treat herself as soon as possible, and make money as soon as possible to reduce the burden on her family, so she chose a four-year technical secondary school instead of a five-year junior college and high school.

When she was in technical secondary school, she began to teach herself to a junior college, and later went to an undergraduate course. Many people go shopping on weekends or eat snacks and read novels in the dormitory. She follows her good friends and gets up at dawn every day to find a pine tree by the river and sit down to study, so that passers-by can't see it and no one will disturb her. This classmate's family is not rich. She often brings a cake and a piece of cake from home for dinner. The girl looks very distressed and often wants to share the food in the canteen with her. Later they worked hard together and went abroad. Now this classmate has lived abroad for a long time, and he is excellent!

When she graduated from school, she found it too difficult to get into the top three hospitals. She needs a background as well as a degree. She can improve her education by herself, but there is nothing she can do backstage. She didn't want to go to a small hospital, so she had to think of other ways.

On the day of her internship, a foreign expert group came to the unit and needed professional exchanges. Although medical staff have undergraduate, postgraduate and doctoral degrees, their spoken English is not very good. She was also involved at that time, which made her see an opportunity, that is, learning a foreign language well is a special talent!

Therefore, she studies oral English hard, listens to the tape and recites words on her way to work every day. Sometimes, she will be laughed at by her dormitory classmates because she worships foreign things and flatters foreigners. She can only recite it secretly in bed, because she doesn't want to be particularly respected, she wants to get along with others, and she knows what path she is taking, so she can only do so.

Many things happen. Two years have passed, and her oral communication has basically no obstacles, just in time for foreign recruitment in China, and she passed the written test and interview smoothly! She borrowed money to buy a plane ticket, got a visa and started living abroad!

The first year of living abroad is very hard, because many patients can't speak English and can speak Arabic, but her Arabic is zero-based, so now she can only learn and sell. In order to help her colleagues answer the patient's Arabic questions, she asked herself to help others in order to win the willingness of others to help her learn the language, so her daily workload doubled and she was very tired. In order to cope with the heavy workload, she eats one more meal every day to strengthen her physical strength.188617.

On the way home, she felt extremely weak and short of breath, and then fainted. Good people took care of her all the way. After getting off the bus, she gave the wine brought back from abroad to the good-hearted man as a thank you. Her body feels extremely weak.

She called her sister and drove to pick her up. My sister said that the car at home was sold and there was no car, so I had to take a taxi back by myself. When she heard this, she was desperate. She couldn't say a word. She didn't tell her sister about her current state because she didn't want to force anyone to do something she didn't want to do. She felt extremely helpless. At that moment, she felt that no one in the world could rely on her and love her unconditionally. She struggled to move the box forward slowly.

After resting for two months, she went back to work. This year, she thought her job would be easy, because Arabic is no longer a problem for her, and she just needs to finish her work.

But within a few days of work, she began to get sick, often fainting inexplicably, and every attack would be weak for several days! The frequency of seizures changed from once a month at the beginning to three times a week after half a year, or even once a day. She goes to work enthusiastically every morning. She doesn't know when she will suddenly have difficulty breathing, and she is dying. The class was very busy at that time. Originally, the patient couldn't handle it, and now she has to take care of it alone. She blames herself very much. She began to hate her body, her inability to give strength, her inability to keep up with the rhythm of her heart, and her existence.

In order not to cause trouble to others, she decided to quit her job and come back for surgery (it turned out that there was a tumor bigger than half a brain). Resignation means that her career abroad may be over, and it is difficult for her to make this decision. But not quitting means that she will have surgery there, and she can't continue to work without surgery. Surgery means risk. She is worried that the risk will fall on her. What she is afraid of is not death, but the collapse that her parents will never see after death.

She contacted the doctor in China and informed her sister to meet her at the airport. Because she will get sick at any moment, someone must be around. She went straight to the hospital as soon as she got off the plane. She didn't tell her parents that she didn't want them to be distracted by her. The doctor asked her parents to shave all her hair, and then asked her parents to sign the consent form for the operation. She consulted with the doctor and asked her to sign her own hair instead of shaving it all, because her mother was a tumor patient and could not let her know. The doctor reluctantly asked his sister to sign it.

During the one-month recovery after operation, she didn't go back to her hometown, but stayed at her sister's house. As usual, she calls her mother once a week to report her safety. Her mother found it was a domestic call and asked her why she didn't go home when she came back. She said: those who come back for the exam are now in the preparation stage, and they will go back after the exam.

At the end of her recovery, she was free to turn around. She went home. She is still too weak to speak. So my mother saw at a glance that she was ill, and then looked at her hair carefully. She stood there silently, and she could feel her mother's heart dripping blood, because her mother had brain cancer for two years.

When my mother saw the operation on her head, she thought it was the same disease as herself, so my mother stood there helpless and at a loss. At this time, my father whispered beside me, no wonder I felt the sound was wrong after making these calls. It sounds weak. They are not good at expressing themselves, but they can make people feel great pain inside. In order not to make mom and dad sad, she pretended to be relaxed and she wandered around them. She smiled and said to them, Mom and Dad, you are wrong. I'm just having a minor operation. It will be fine if it's over. I didn't tell you, because if I told you, you would be worried. Worrying doesn't help me at all. I'll tell you when it's over.

The illness brought her a lot of feelings. She feels that her mind and body are separated. She is mentally demanding, but her body is not that strong. She has been overdrawn and towed away. When the situation is serious, there is nothing she can do. She can only accept the fact. She can't work as hard as others. She needs someone around her to help her unconditionally when she needs help.

She never thought about getting married before, because the people she likes are excellent, but she is very inferior inside. She thinks that excellent people will despise her, so she is bent on success and wants to earn a lot of money to repay her parents and let them live a good life! But the reality is cruel, and the body makes her unable to do so!

After the operation, she prayed that God would let her find a suitable job in China, because she wanted to be with her mother, and she also prayed for a lover, because she needed someone to take care of herself. Originally, she had a lot of expectations for her lover, expecting him to be excellent, high-quality, enterprising, kind, emotionally intelligent and romantic ... but now she dare not expect it, because she not only has bad legs, but also has a bad brain. She thinks she is herself. So she lowered the conditions, as long as she can look at the past, has a college degree and has a formal job, she can love her.

Soon God gave her a response, found a satisfactory job in a week and found a suitable boyfriend in a month!

After talking for a year, she got married and gave birth to a child a year later. When the child was two months old, his mother got sick and died three months later. Since then, she has fallen into self-blame and depression. She is in Lacrimosa all the time except working hours. She blamed herself for not taking good care of her mother. She blamed herself for not curing her mother. Her lover doesn't understand why she blames herself, why she cries, why she is so sad and why she needs comfort from others.

His incomprehension broke her down, but she knew that she had no right to ask others to understand, so she couldn't blame him, so she had only herself to blame, because she asked too much and caused too much trouble. She is getting speechless with him. Because they have been on different channels! She can't feel happy at home, so she can only find a sense of accomplishment in class. She is afraid of Sunday, she only likes to work!

In this way, day after day, year after year, her depression became more and more serious. She didn't know she had depression at that time, because she didn't know about it. She just feels sick all over, suffering from insomnia for a long time, and can only sleep for two or three hours every day. She is anorexic, and obviously hungry, and she sticks her back. After two mouthfuls of soup, she couldn't swallow anything any more, and even felt sick when others opened their mouths to eat. The gastroscope was done 2-3 times. I ate a lot of Chinese and western medicine, but it didn't work. Vision loss, thyroid diseases, colds, pneumonia and headaches are basically unchanged. I looked at many departments and didn't get a satisfactory answer. Finally, I saw the neurology department. The doctor said that depression, take medicine, take it for two weeks and it will take effect.

During the months of taking medicine, her thinking became dull and she was quite happy. She didn't think about anything, but after all, she was a restless person. She doesn't want to live such a comfortable life. She needs quick thinking. She wanted to study, she pursued progress, she wanted a better working condition, so she stopped taking medicine.

After stopping the drug, although the state is not so good, it is not so bad, with a little bad temper, easy to get angry, anxious and tired. In order to relieve her state, she tried to adjust through exercise, but it took a long time to recover after exercise, because S's bent legs and congenital joint dislocation were too difficult to exercise, and it was very painful to exercise without exercise.

Every day from 9 am to sleep at night, I am in a state of pain and often need massage to fall asleep. Although the work in the class is not so tiring, it is also very hard for her, because even if there is pressure sitting on her waist and pelvis, pain is her daily life!

She loves her job very much, because it can bring her a sense of accomplishment. When she felt that there was no room for improvement in nursing posts, she wanted to leave. Because there is nothing to learn, she wants to try new fields. She likes foreign languages, and she wants to change her job, so that she can gain more medical knowledge and improve her foreign language ability. Her family doesn't support her job-hopping, because job-hopping may be hard, for fear that her body can't bear it. But she really doesn't want to take a look at her life. She doesn't want to do it.

A few days before she decided to jump ship, she went to Beijing. As a result, she couldn't stand up in a hotel in Beijing. After lying for three days in a row, she still couldn't get up. It seems that God doomed her to have an operation, so she informed the new unit that she couldn't come because of the operation, but the personnel reply was very touching. The personnel said that we would wait for you for four months and come back when you recovered. We have reserved this position for you. We need you, which makes her.

Four months later, she came to work in the new unit as scheduled. During the rounds, she found that many patients were uncomfortable, similar to her previous symptoms. They felt sick everywhere, but found no problem. She knew that this was a physical symptom caused by psychological problems, so she decided to study psychology to help these people!

In her spare time, she took the consultant's certificate, went to the hospital for further study, studied self-growth in an outside institution, and learned various technologies through online classes.

During this period, she suffered from depression for the second time because she lost a good friend. Her friend's departure, like her mother's, was a great blow to her. This time, because she has entered the psychological industry, she met a psychiatrist. She took the initiative to see a psychiatrist, who prescribed medicine for her.

But this depression is much more serious than the first one. Every time I go to the window, I can feel the feeling of wanting to jump. The feeling of dying is extremely relaxed. Life is so tired that I can't even breathe. I really can't sleep. The taste of insomnia makes people collapse. Obviously, I am very tired. I'm so tired that I'm about to collapse. I still can't close my eyes. As soon as I close my eyes, I fight in front of me. This is a horror movie, which makes people afraid. She dare not lie down in the middle of the night. She sat there crying helplessly. She rested her head on her lover's chest and had a good sleep. Seeing the concrete on the viaduct on the way to work, she often feels suffocated. She can only make the driver turn around and go to Taihu Lake. Water can calm her down until she is completely calm before going home. At that time, she often lay in the back seat of the car at work because she couldn't sit still.

Sometimes I dare not go upstairs when I get home from work, because tears are like running water that can't be shut up. I can't control it. I finally found a place where no one can cry, cry for my pity, cry for my loneliness and cry for my pain. I don't even have the right to choose to die, because I still have responsibilities. The child is too young for my stepmother to support, and I can only wish I were dead.

When I am about to collapse, I will go out quietly alone because I am afraid of scaring my children and family. Walking on the road, I will hit the green trees on the side of the road with my hands, and I won't feel any pain at all, because the mental pain is incomparable to the physical body. I will die on the road and obey my fate!

After using the medicine for more than a year, the symptoms are good and bad. The previous insomnia turned into drowsiness. She is only awake for two or three hours every day, and she is confused at other times. Her job is mental work, which makes her feel very difficult. The side effect of this medicine is not only drowsiness, but also thinking stagnation. For example, walking on the road, she will suddenly eat with chopsticks without lifting her legs, and suddenly stop in the air. She told the doctor about these symptoms, but the doctor saidno. However, her condition is getting worse and worse, and she needs more medicine. Such a reply made her feel hopeless. She has been taking medicine for a year and a half, and now she will continue to take it and add more medicine. She dare not imagine the future.

She decided not to entrust herself completely to the doctor. She decided to make some judgments and promises. She believes that drugs for psychological problems can't solve the fundamental problems, and psychological problems still need psychotherapy, but psychotherapy is too expensive. She heard that a good counselor costs 2000 yuan an hour. If she can solve the problem several times, she can still afford it, but if she can't solve the problem, the cost may be bottomless, because some consultations take years.

She was embarrassed to refuse the doctor's suggestion to continue taking medicine. She told the doctor that she was going to have a second child and had to stop taking the medicine? The doctor agreed and cooperated with her to stop taking the medicine. The desire to have a second child is getting heavier and heavier, because she deeply understands the benefits of having two children at home.

In her world, her mother was critically ill for the first time, she was abroad, her mother was critically ill for the second time, she was going to have a baby, her father was seriously ill, and she was seriously depressed, so her sisters helped her at home, so she decided to have another child to help her eldest daughter share the pressure in the future. She has a strong picture that she can only live to be 50 years old and die of a heart attack, so she decided to leave her daughter a person related to her.

After stopping taking medicine, she decided to adjust herself, let herself go, let herself go of her work, let her expectations for the future and let go of her temporary impulse. She told herself that if she didn't have a job, she wouldn't have one. If she has to be a cleaner, she can support herself. Her father raised her children, and she was only responsible for herself. In addition to being a cleaner, she will also be a receptionist, send and receive emails and coordinate express delivery. She can also make omelets for sale.

After preparing a back road for herself, she began to ask for leave to rest. She doesn't want to work at home for two weeks, and she doesn't want to do anything tomorrow. Today, she only did what she could, cooking, buying vegetables, planting flowers, cleaning, cleaning the house and lying on the balcony of the living room reading. Unexpectedly, her state suddenly reversed and her physical strength recovered very quickly. Two weeks later, she returned to work and started her original job.

Three months after stopping taking the medicine, she became pregnant. She doesn't know how busy she will be after giving birth to Bauer, so she wants to get better as soon as possible before Bauer comes out. After stopping taking medicine, she insisted on relying on her own thoughts. She firmly believes that no one can help her except herself, and she has no choice but to believe that she can. She studied as hard as chicken blood, got pregnant, and went to work in the morning.

When Bauer came out, she really gained a lot. She learned to explore herself. Besides sleeping, she realized herself. Sometimes she wakes up in the middle of the night, and when she has inspiration, she immediately gets up to record and continue to explore. After two years of continuous efforts, she got to know herself, found herself, and lived back to herself. Depression was completely cured!

Through self-exploration, she found that there were too many emotional rubbish and unreasonable beliefs in her subconscious (for example, he felt that she was an unlovable person, she felt that she was an unloved person, she felt that she was a useless person, she felt that she was an abandoned person, she felt that she was an extremely bad person and she felt that she was a poor person ...). Through repeated dredging and belief adjustment, she helped herself to loosen all the invisible ropes tied to her body. She hypnotized herself many times and went back to her childhood to heal the injured child. After self-psychotherapy, she came back to life!

After rebirth, she seems to be a different person, from an anxious mother to a gentle and firm mother! From an impatient wife to a considerate lover, her parent-child relationship, intimate relationship and family relationship have been greatly improved. From then on, she fell in love with exploring herself. She always knows her intentions, and she will write down any emotions at any time and go back to explore.

During the epidemic, she began to help her explore herself and deal with psychological problems. Every time she receives a visitor's feedback that the whole family has become harmonious through psychological counseling, she is extremely happy and full!

She regards everyone as a teacher now, and she is willing to learn from everyone with an open mind, not by reciting, but by learning from them the attitude towards life, looking at life and learning to let go of obsession!

Now she is full of gratitude for the gift. Grateful frustration helped her temper her willpower, improve her ability to resist stress, and appreciate the painful experience brought by illness. This is the resource of her career. I am grateful for the turning point brought by luck, let her know that there is no way out, thank you for the lessons you have brought him, and let her appreciate the scenery from different angles, thank her family for their unconditional support and spread unconditional love!

At this time, she has no illness, no pressure of material and desire needs, no anxiety and fear around her, no lingering thoughts, and no self-compulsion. Only when her mind is free, her work is smooth, her family is harmonious, and there is love everywhere, can she feel the joy and happiness she has never felt before!

She decided to change her lifestyle. She decided to live every day as if it were her last, without leaving any regrets for herself. She tried to help herself and others fulfill their last wishes. She is grateful for every day she lives, for everyone who accompanies or is accompanied, and strives to live today well and do what she should do today. She will no longer force herself to do anything she doesn't want to do, just do what she wants to do, try not to get angry, don't dwell on the impermanence of the world, and always follow.

The girl's name is Ni Yiqing. I hope her sharing can help similar people!