Looking for the most complete collection of Ultraman jokes! Be complete, no duplication, speed! ! ! !

One time Xiao Xi went to see a doctor and he said: When I was sleeping, I felt someone under the bed, and when I looked down, I felt someone on the bed again. I almost went crazy.

Doctor: If you come here once a day, I guarantee that the treatment will be cured in one year.

Xiao Xi turned around and left.

After a month, the doctor saw Xiao Xi and said: Why don’t you come to treat me?

Xiao Xi: I asked Xiao Meng to saw off the legs of my bed.

Once, Xiaomeng, Xiaoxi and Jack passed by a very smelly fox hole.

Xiaomeng: Let’s bet 1,000 yuan on who can go in longer.

2 people agreed!

Xiao Xi ran out within 1 minute of going in

Xiao Meng ran out after 2 minutes of going in

Jack still didn’t come out after 30 minutes of going in

>

The two people were wondering

Suddenly a fox came out and said: He is so powerful, his shit smells worse than mine, and he smoked me out

Xiao Xi went to give Ultra When my father was delivering food, he saw a cleaner (Taylor) cleaning the ditch and looked curiously

Taylor: What are you looking at? What's there to see?

Xiao Xi: My 1,000 yuan fell into here.

Taylor: Hurry up and deliver the food. It will be cold in a while! I thought: Haha, the money belongs to me!

=Xiao Xi passed by after delivering food and saw Taylor groping around in the sewage. Taylor: Are you sure the money dropped here?

Xiao Xi: Yes, Xiao Meng helped me fish it out here.

Once, Xiaomeng went to have a tooth pulled out. When the tooth was pulled out, the doctor's hand shook and fell into his throat.

Xiaomeng went to the throat doctor. The throat doctor said: It has fallen into the stomach. Let’s go to the doctor.

Xiaomeng went to the gastroenterology department for an X-ray, but the doctor said: It had already entered the intestines.

Xiaomeng went to the intestinal doctor but he said: It has fallen to the butt.

Xiaomeng went to a doctor who specializes in buttocks to check for a long time and said: The tooth is on the buttocks, go to the dentist to pull it out!

King of Ultra: Xiao Meng, what will happen to you if I die now?

Xiaomeng: I will be very sad.

The Ultra King said proudly: Why?

Xiaomeng: Because your plan to take me to the Internet cafe tomorrow has been cancelled

One day the father of Ultra was working

Xiaomeng yelled... ........

Father of Ultra: Don’t bother to give you 10 yuan to play.

Xiaomeng told Xiaoxi later.

Xiao Xi yelled...

After Ultra's father beat Xiao Xi, he said: Get out of here and don't bother me!

When the math test results were announced...

Ott's father: The one who got 0 points this time was Xiaomeng...

Xiao Meng jumped off the building...

Uttar's father: I haven't finished talking yet, it's Xiao Meng's deskmate Xiao Xi.

Xiao Xi jumped off the building...

Once Xiao Xi beat Xiao Meng until the energy lamp flashed

Xiao Meng cried Go to find Taylor

Xiaomeng: Taylor’s brother Xiaoxi beat me.

Taylor takes Xiaomeng to find Xiaoxi

Taylor: How can you make Xiaomeng’s energy lamp flash?

Xiao Xi: So what?

Taylor: If you want to be beaten, you must be beaten to death.

Author: Maple Leaf Reply Date: 2010-07-20 19:12

Taylor taught Xiaomeng fighting skills. Xiaomeng picked up the wooden board and kicked it for half an hour. , when Taylor came to inspect, he shouted:

My laptop and LCD TV!

Meng: There is no way, there are not enough wooden boards

Xiao Menghe Six brothers eat together. Next to Sophie is his most hated pepper, next to the first generation is coffee, next to Severn is curry, next to Jack is milk, next to Ace is vinegar, and next to Taylor is mayonnaise. (Disclaimer, this time It was a postgraduate endurance test, and I put the things I hate the most next to me.) Xiaomeng accidentally knocked over Taylor's mayonnaise. Taylor went to rescue him, but knocked down Ace's vinegar, and Ace touched Jack's milk. (And so on)

One day, Taylor fell ill. Xiaomeng and Xiaoxi wanted to help Taylor cook a pot of soup. They didn't notice that they took the recipe backwards and saw something added. What, strange to say, Taylor recovered from his illness, but Taylor went to the toilet no less than 200 times every night! Diga suddenly fainted while brushing his teeth one day. The reason was: Xiao Meng took a toothbrush to clean the toilet and gas pipes. , cars, sewers and all tableware

The little Aos participated in the military training and all they ate was pickles and dry rice. When everyone saw Ao Wang eating too, they didn’t say a word. Ao Wang secretly dug himself The meal was filled with all kinds of delicacies. Zoffei was preparing for exercise on the 2,000-meter-high diving platform. Xiaomeng and Xiaoxi had penetrated and wanted to give Zoffee a meal. Xiaomeng kicked Zoffei down. Xi drained the water in the swimming pool

(You can imagine the consequences)

Fei said to Aofu, "We can't let Xiaomeng and the others play on the computer. They play Grand Theft Auto. Today we are going to When they saw a car on the street, they drove away. In order to take revenge on Diga, Xiaomeng made an appointment with Xiaoxi to sneak into his house. The two brothers used scaffolding to climb onto the roof of Diga's house. Unexpectedly, as soon as the brothers climbed up, the house collapsed. The corner of the top collapsed. Xiao Di came out and saw that there was nothing, so he went back (because Xiao Meng and Xiao Xi fell in from the chimney when they were stamping). Leo: Taylor, take Membius Leave it to me.

I will train this boy's fighting skills well!

Taylor: Well, it’s not difficult...it’s just...

Leo: Just what?

Taylor: No... (Xiao Meng, take care of yourself)

.........

Silver Cross Team Headquarters

Member A : Mother of Ultra, she was injured by Leo with Leo Flying Kick and is currently being treated in the emergency room

Mother of Ultra: I know... I've been crazy busy lately... Leo's fighting skills are not just for free. Yes, poor Mebius, he has to be admitted to the hospital every two days... How is Severn doing?

Team B: While training Tiga’s agility, he mistakenly shot the Emery Ray into Tiga’s crotch... Lina, a member of the Victory Team, came to Ultra on the Feiyan 2. Xing searched for the star clusters and tried his best... At noon, everyone was eating lunch boxes worth 5 yuan. Meng said that what he was eating was 500 yuan. Everyone was shocked when Meng took out 100 boxes of lunch boxes from behind

Because Meng did not do well in the exam, he was asked to visit his home. Meng went to the store and bought a bottle of stiff cream and applied a lot of it on his body. The home visit was changed to a video home visit. It ended perfectly. On the second day, Xi discovered The dream didn’t come, so I called and asked. It turned out that the dream was too much and the body couldn’t move.

Max liked to eat stinky tofu, and everyone didn’t like to sit with him when eating. One day, Max He brought the sausage and asked everyone to have a piece of it. Everyone was "sent" out of the classroom along with their lunch boxes. The reason was that what he asked everyone to eat was the end...

Author: Maple Leaf Reply Date ：2010-07-21 21:13

Mephilas: "Hey, I want this school to perish on its own~~~Look at me using magic to make their interpersonal relationships just the opposite~~~"< /p>

The next day, Mephilas came to inspect his results excitedly~~He found Leo and Hikari on the playground

Leo: "Hey, this is not Xi Kali How are you doing, Kali?"

Hikari: "Senior Leo~~~Long time no see, I miss you so much!"

Leo: "Something to do next." Just come to me, don’t be polite~~~"

Hikali: "Yes, senior" (bow)

Mephilas: "Halo, this school used to be What exactly is it like~~~~"

In class, Ultra's father was describing the characteristics of the Baltan: "It is a domineering cosmic being with round eyes and a pair of large pincers. ~~~~"

As soon as he said this, Xiaomeng suddenly slammed the table: "Oh no, I found a large group of Baltans on the beach this morning!"

Ultra's father: "What? Is there such a thing? Is there some conspiracy? Zofi, take a few people over and have a look!"

Zofi led the four Ultra brothers and flew away~~ ~

They came back at noon, and Jack said excitedly: "I didn't expect a double happiness!"

Ultra's father: "Which double happiness?"

Severn: "One, the Baltans are not there.

Second, we have crabs to eat at noon~~~~”

One day there was a celebration party, and everyone ate and drank around the table, but there was not enough rice

So Zuo Fei Said to the waiter: "Ten bowls of rice! ”

The waiter thought it was too troublesome to carry ten bowls, so he brought a large basin of rice for them to serve themselves

As soon as the rice was served, Xiao Meng suddenly stopped talking. He trembled and said: "This~~~Is this one of the bowls~~~~"

Zaki: "Hahaha, I want to destroy this campus! ! ! "

Ace: "Who are you? "

Zaki: "That's right~~~"

Hikali: "No need to ask, he must be new here! "

Ace: "Then why is he so dark? ”

Xikali: “Stupid, I’m from Africa~~~~But I’m so cool!” ”

Leo: “Isn’t it the same when you first came here~~~”

Hikari: “Say it again (angry)~~”

< p>Zaki (Khan): "You~~~~~"

At this time Ultra's father came: "You guys, stop making trouble! "

Zaki: "Finally someone who understands is here~~"

The father of Ultra said seriously: "This classmate, you don't know that the school doesn't Do you want a tattoo? "

Zaki vomited blood and died

Xikali was dying in the fight with Bogaru, Xiao Meng quickly carried him back to the school infirmary

Mother of Ultra: "Miracles will definitely happen, you go first~~"

Xiao Meng: "Yes~~"

After Xiao Meng left, Ultra's Mother took off Hikali's armor: "You think I can't recognize the coat of armor, right~~~

Hikali: "Please, let me die~ ~~"

Mother of Ultra: "There is no way~~~~You haven't paid your tuition this year~~~Who should we look for if you die?"

< p>Jack: "Huh? Why is Xiaomeng so excited?"

Xiaomeng: "Seniors, I finally know the meaning of the color timer!"

Seven: " What's the meaning?"

Xiaomeng: "My friends on Earth said that its meaning is to make us remember that we are fighting desperately~~"

As soon as he finished speaking, Others laughed~~~

Taro held his stomach and said: "Oh my god, I am so happy that I can't stand it anymore~~~Xiaomeng, the real meaning of the color timer is to tell you that the enemy is too strong. ~~You have to run away~~~Do you understand?”

Xiaomeng: “I’m dizzy~~~”

Author: Maple Leaf Reply Date: 2010-07-22 20 :16

Taylor broke into the office: "Dad, something bad happened~~~~"

Ultra's father: "What happened?"

< p>Taylor: "I went out to play with the first generation, Severn and the other five, and unfortunately met the Hippolytes~~~The result~~~"

Ultra's father: "What was the result? "

Taylor: "The Hippolytes turned them all into tomatoes~~~"

Father of Ultra: "What? Such a thing could happen!" Notify your mother immediately!"

Taylor: "Are you asking your mother to save them?"

Utt's father: "What are you thinking, telling her not to go out at night? Let’s buy groceries~”

Taylor: “Ah”

Xiaomeng came back from her internship on Earth: “Seniors, I learned something on Earth~~”

Leo: "What is it?"

Xiaomeng: "Courage!"

Leo: "Do you still need to learn this thing?"

Xiaomeng: "Guess what is courage?"

Leo: "Defend Ampera alone~"

Xiaomeng: "Wrong!"

Taylor: "Challenge Zeuda~"

Xiaomeng: "Wrong!"

Zoffie: "Then what is courage?"

< p>Xiaomeng: "Watch a whole series of "Love in the Rain" continuously"

Xiaomeng fought with the Baltans and was defeated~~~At this time, Gauss came

Xiaomeng: "Senior, save me!!"

Gaoss: "Look, he looks like a scorpion. Maybe you can scare him away by imitating a few bird calls! ”

Little dream:

"I can't sing birds!"

Gauss: "I'll do it~~" After saying it, he copied it twice.

The Baltan star suddenly looked at the sky, and then hurriedly Escape

Xiaomeng (admiration): "Senior is awesome!!"

Gaoss: "That's right. I am not the biology class representative for nothing!!!"

p>

At this time, Taylor called: "It's not good!!! The volcano monster bird Barton is flying towards you!!"

Little Dream: "It turns out that Baltan is Running like this~~~"

Gauss: "I suddenly remembered that I still have something to do~~~ Let's take a step first~~~" After saying that, he ran away as fast as possible

There was only one left Xiaomeng was alone and stared at Barton flying in the distance~~~

After class, everyone sat together and chatted

The first generation: "Taylor, what are you doing with these two horns?" What is it used for?"

Tero: "This is not a horn, this is an energy antenna that can receive energy."

Tiga: " I don’t believe it~~~~”

Taylor: “Don’t believe it? Let me show you~~~~”

I saw him concentrate and start to absorb energy

After a while, a voice came from the sky: "Hello, listeners, this is FM 87.4 MHz~~~~"

Taylor: "Brother Seven, do you know? You You have always been my idol!"

Seven: "Really?"

Taylor: "My admiration for you is like a torrent of water~~ ~~"

Seven: "Really? (Piaolan)"

Taylor: "Especially your header attack, it's really shocking, it's so powerful! Can you lend it to me?"

Seven: "No problem, take it!" (Enjoyed)"

Tairo took it and ran away: "Brothers, I found the tool to cut the watermelon!”

Sai Wen: “Brother, come back here~~~~”

Xiao Meng: “Director, I have one. I want to ask you a question that I have been confused about for a long time..."

Ultra's father: "Ask!"

Xiao Meng: "Ultraman needs 20,000 years of practice before he can go there. Earth, but it only takes 10,000 years to master combat skills, so what are you going to do with 10,000 years?”

Uttar’s father: “That’s a good question!” Learn the skills of people on earth. You see, there are driver’s licenses, pilot licenses, professional titles, and English certificates..."

An hour later...

Utt’s father: "That’s it. "More, Xiaomeng, you must work hard, ten thousand years is very short..."

Xiaomeng: "I know...I know..."

Author: Maple Leaf Reply Date: 2010-07-23 17:38

GUYS Joke Collection

One day in the future, I was walking on the street and passed a garden. As a result, my left side was accidentally soiled by the soil shoveled by the gardener. Sleeves

"I'm sorry, sorry..." the gardener apologized hurriedly

"It's okay!" In the future, he used his right hand to dust off the soil on his left arm, then straightened his left arm and shook it (this set The action seems a bit familiar?)

I saw a flash of red light, our hero Ultraman Menbius stood awkwardly on the road, and the gardener next to him opened his mouth so much that he could throw a Basketball...

One day, Mirai was walking (he was too idle) and saw someone robbing a bank. "Damn it...transformed..."

The next day while walking, he saw someone stealing something.

"Transformation!"

On the third day, I saw someone posting small advertisements randomly

"Transformation!"

......

A month later, all the police and urban management officers in Japan were laid off

Yabo people: "Hahahaha! I am resurrected again! GUYS! Mebius! Today is yours Doomsday!"

Qishui: "Sorry! Today is a day off, please come back tomorrow.

Awa people: "Oh..."

Adjunct Officer Toriyama: "GUYS! SALLY GO"

(Everyone is busy with their own things...)

p>

Toriyama: "Captain Qishui, what's going on?

Qishui: "I'm really sorry, they have already reacted to my orders! GUYS! SALLY GO!"

p>

Team members: "GIG!"

Toriyama: "55555..."

Back to the first episode of the TV version...

The little girl The balloon flew away, and the future helped her get it back

The future (smile): "Here!"

The little girl: "Mom said, you can't talk to strangers!" Turn around Ran away

The next day...

Taylor: "Mumbius, why are you back?"

Mumbius said with a bitter face: "People on Earth are so difficult to get along with. They don't even talk to strangers! Then no one cares about me?" Mu Zhimei: "In the future, I will order curry rice for you again today!"

Mirai: "vomit~"

Mu Zhimei: "What's wrong? Why do you feel uncomfortable?"

Mirai: "I've been eating this all day, and now I feel like vomiting when I hear it..." < /p>

Mu Zhimei: "Then what do you want to eat?"

Mirai: "No appetite...give me a cup of coffee!"

Qishui: "vomit ~"

Author: Maple Leaf Reply Date: 2010-07-26 08:12

Father of Ultra: "From today on, you are Ultraman!"

Mumbius: "Ultraman?"

Ultra's father: "That's what people on Earth call us..."

Mumbius Yus: "Then... what do we call ourselves?"

Father of Ultra: "...human beings..."

Coming to Earth...

Passerby A: "Look at that! It's Superman!" (Hong Kong translation)

Passerby B: "No! It's Superman!" (Taiwan translation)

Dream Bius: "Who am I?"

Taylor: "Mumbius, today I am going to teach you my ultimate secret, 'Ultra Bomb'!"

Mebius: "Is that the special move you created yourself?"

Taylor: "No...this move was taught to me by an Earthling..."

Mebius: "What a powerful Earthling...who is he?"

Taylor: "Dong Cunrui.

"

Dark Emperor: "I am from Ampera!"

Genghis Khan: "I haven't called myself myself yet! Do you deserve it?"

Qin Shihuang: "If you want to be the emperor, you must first pass my test!"

Tang Taizong: "I am the strongest!"

Liu Bang: "No, I am the strongest!" "

...

In the end, Ampera was drowned alive by saliva... He never thought that the earth was a place rich in emperors.

Dream to the third place on the earth The next day...

Taylor: "Mumbius, why are you back?"

Mumbius said with a bitter face: "Everything on earth costs money. ,555555555I don’t have one, can you lend me some first?"

Taylor: "... ...".

Author: Maple Leaf Reply Date: 2010-07- 27 15:46

Unicron: "Hahaha, I will rule this planet called Earth today! Let’s take a look at the scenery from the window of the spaceship!"

Five minutes After...

Universal Emperor (trembling): "But... let's run! It's too dangerous here!"

Phoenix Nest at this time

Zheping: " Come and look at that! There is a mosquito here that looks like a spaceship!"

Author: Maple Leaf Reply Date: 2010-07-27 20:17

Long:" Captain, why do you call it 'Meteor Technology'?"

Qi Shui: "Because its time limit is too short, it is as fleeting as a meteor..."

Long:" Then with the development of science and technology, the time limit will become longer and longer, right?"

Qishui: "Yes!"

Someday in the future...

Team member: "Captain, please!"

Captain: "The ban on stellar technology is lifted, and the time limit is XXX billion years..."

Author: Maple Leaf Reply Date: 2010-07-27 20:18

Zamsha: "Jian... Duel with me!"

Jian: "I'm sorry, I can't be ranked yet! There are other masters who want to know me." You!"

Zamsha: "Are there any other swordsman masters on earth besides you?"

Sword: "Yes... I will introduce to you... this This is Miyamoto Musashi, this is Rurouni Kenshin, this is Ghost Eye Crazy Sword, this is Li Xiaoyao, this is Linghu Chong, this is Ximen Chuixue..."

Zam Xia Luo fled...

Jian: "Don't hinder me. Ever since I wrapped myself in this armor of revenge, it has been my mission to defeat Bogaru!"

Future:" If you continue like this, even if your revenge is successful, you will be wrapped in another armor called the Earth!"

Sword: "Don't worry, people on Earth can't make this kind of armor. !"

Future: "That's not necessarily the case, I'll take you somewhere..."

Five minutes later

Jian: "Where is this?

p>

Future: "Ultraman peripheral store... boss, come and wear the armor of revenge!"

Boss: "It's in North Point, pick a style yourself!"