Double reed lines

People bite dogs in the north and south streets.

Picking up dogs and chopping bricks, bricks bite their hands.

There was an old man who was only nineteen years old, drinking lotus root with wine in his mouth.

I had never seen such a thing since I was a child, and a tricycle was pulling a train.

hey! Does this sound like it to you? !

Today, I'm going to tell you a stand-up comedy, and there is such a disgraceful person in it.

when did this happen? it happened in the Qing dynasty. Say, there is such a rich man, with a wealth of money, and he is also one of the best figures in Beijing. The old man has two sons. The eldest son is very calm and capable no matter what he does. What about this penis? It's okay to be a man, but I have a small problem, so I can drink a little wine. How good is he? He hangs a wine gourd from the bedside, and when he wakes up at night, he opens the gourd and drinks a few mouthfuls. It's not good to go to the toilet. He puts a wine jar at the door of the toilet, and he has to drink a few mouthfuls after going to the toilet! ! !

That's it. He drinks every day and gets drunk every day.

finally, one day, the old man is dying, he is seriously ill and will die soon. He called his two sons to him, told him to finish the funeral, left the eldest son alone, and said to the boss, "I'm dying. My last wish is to ask your brother to give up drinking. Even if our family is rich, it can't stand his drinking method!" ! ！” The boss nodded yes. When the old man finished speaking, he died. When the two sons finished the old man's affairs, the boss began to give up drinking for his brother. Someone told the boss, the second brother hit a drunkard! ! ! I have to ask the old mage to do exorcism, but the boss believed me. Let me tell you, this is a sudden illness and disorderly medical treatment. I paid a lot of money to hire a group of wizards, but I didn't think these people were a bunch of two knives, reading the Grape Sutra at home all day. Who asked what the Grape Sutra was? In fact, it is what the liar read: "Eat grapes without spitting grape skin, but spit grape skin without eating grapes"! ! ! (chanting) In fact, they don't even know what they are talking about! ! !

That's it. The exorcism didn't work. I asked the boss to kick those people out. Some people say that the second child is a wine bug, and he has to bask in wine bugs. In the dog days, comrades, just hang a big living person with a rope to bask in the sun. Can you stand it? Don't worry about it. The boss is really cruel. It still doesn't work. It's gone again.

I don't know, but the boss is smart. He asked someone to find a sea tank. What is a sea tank? The sea tank is a big water tank that only five or six strong men can move in the early years. Why are you looking for such a big water tank? Don't worry, listen to me slowly! ! ! Boss got this vat full of old wine. When it was finished, he put the second child in it. He also got a big grinding disc to cover the mouth, and then put a seal on it. The seal said, "Brother sealed it only for abstinence, so it's time to seal the wine and stop getting drunk." After this, I left, which made the second child so happy that he could finally have a big meal. While drinking, he sang, "It doesn't matter if I am drunk, I am buried by the wine shop, and I am as happy as a fairy when I smell the fragrance of this Daqu"! ! ! (singing), listen to this word. It's not bad. But the second son's daughter-in-law can't sit still at home. If she is drunk to death, will she still live? ! ! I ran to the edge of the water tank overnight and knocked on the water tank. "Master, are you all right"? When the second child heard that his wife was coming, he was happy. "Hey, the seal of wife and brother doesn't need to be opened. If you still have a relationship, bring me a pickle!"! ! !

when his wife listens, hey! ! ! Why are you still drinking?

the old man of the warlord Han Fuqu

let me tell you something, please listen to it.

Speaking of this Han Fuqu, his hometown is Baxian, Hebei Province, and he was a filial son at home. Later, he became a local tyrant in Shandong, but he still did not forget his roots.

On one occasion, Han Fuqu celebrated his father's birthday, and Han Fuqu specially asked someone to take him from his hometown in Hebei to Shandong in order to please him. In his own house, it is a big banquet, a singing opera and a variety show. The old man was so happy that, on a whim, he had to ask the singer to give a piece of "Guan Gong Zhan Qin Qiong", so I won't talk about it, because the old man Hou Baolin once said that today I want to talk about this piece of Han Fuqu's father.

I don't know, there is a kind of old man like a son. Han Fuqu, his father, just arrived at Han Fuqu's house to see everything. On the old man's birthday, Han Fuqu called the gentry and nobles who ruled Shandong to celebrate his birthday. When the old man saw his son calling, he became very interested in this phone. How can this thing talk? This is really: "it's dark in a room, so it's easy not to open the window. You can shake it and catch it inside!"! ! ! Old-fashioned telephone, which generates electricity by shaking hands. The old man saw so many people coming to his son's house after a few phone calls, and a banquet was placed at home after a few phone calls, thinking that this is a good thing. Shake it and shout a few words to make it delicious. This is great! ! !

After the old man's birthday, he said to his son, "Boy, I know your filial piety, and Dad doesn't want anything, so just take the little house on the table back to Dad!"! ! ! Han Fuqu didn't know what the old man meant and didn't ask many questions, so he gave the phone to the old man. In this way, the old man returned to his hometown with his baby in his arms.

I don't have to tell you the result, so let's understand! ! !

the "path" and "thief" of the warlord Han Fuqu

In 193, Chiang Kai-shek transferred Han Fuqu to Shandong Province as the chairman. After arriving in Shandong, Han Fuqu was nicknamed "Han Qingtian". Because he often sits in the lobby of the provincial government to interrogate thieves, drug traffickers, gamblers and other criminal cases, he is more and more embarrassed about the judiciary, and his trial is not based on the law, but on personal emotions and arbitrary behavior. When he was trying the case, there were military judges of the law enforcement team standing on both sides. He called the prisoner to stand at the entrance of the hall, looked intently for one or two minutes, looked at the prisoner's face and looked at his face, and said little. He carried the prisoner down with his right hand, then stretched his hand to the right, and the soldiers of the law enforcement team pulled the prisoner to the right and stood there, pulling him to be shot with the prepared execution car. If his right hand goes up and he swings his hand to the left, the law enforcement team will pull the prisoner to the left to stand, which is considered innocent and ready to be released. No matter how many prisoners there are, he always looks at each other, looks at his face, and signals that he is finished.

On one occasion, the Shandong provincial government took part in a consultation with a servant named Xiao Dao hired by Sha Yuebo, who was only fifteen years old at that time. Sha Shen proposed to send him to the provincial government to deliver a letter to Secretary-General Zhang Shaotang, just as this "Han Qingtian" was sitting in the classroom to interrogate a group of thieves. At that time, the path was curious and stood on the right side of the lobby. The law enforcement team actually put this little page who was looking at the case on the execution car. The child was frightened and shouted, "I am a messenger!" " What did Han Fuqu ask when he heard it? The law enforcement soldier said, "Report to the chairman. He said he was a messenger." Han immediately replied, "The messenger should also be shot!" It turned out that "Han Qingtian" mistakenly thought that he was delivering letters to bandits. The child was so scared that he couldn't speak any more, so he was dragged out and shot. Afterwards, when Sha Yuebo didn't come back from the trail at lunch, he asked Zhang Shaotang, secretary-general of the provincial government. At this time, the Military Justice Department checked the list of the dead, but there was one more body. After investigation, it proved that the trail was killed by mistake. After being informed, Shayuebo hurriedly cried to the provincial government to find Han Fuqu, saying that the law enforcement team mistakenly pushed the trail into the car and shot it. "Han Qingtian" smiled and said, "Now he is a path. If you don't kill him, you will be a thief in the future! I don't want to embarrass Sha Shen either. Give his mother 5 yuan to live on. " That's how it ended.

do you think this man is a different bastard? Warlord Han Fuqu's trial of grain case

There is more than one thing that people can't guess in Han Fuqu, and there is also the Shandong grain case, and Han Fuqu's practice is even more incomprehensible.

At that time, China was in the midst of war, and warlords from all sides were constantly plundering the people, resulting in different degrees of famine all over the country. In Shandong Province, which was under the jurisdiction of "Han Qingtian", the people were even more miserable. Merchants from all over the country took the opportunity to hoard and raise the food price to a high level, which made the people even more miserable.

in view of this situation, in order to recuperate, warlords all over the country strictly ordered grain merchants not to raise prices arbitrarily, and those who violated it would be engaged in military law. However, where the profit lies, people are eager for it. In order to get rich, grain merchants still secretly raise prices. As a result, many unlucky grain merchants were found out and lost their lives in vain.

in Shandong province, several grain merchants who secretly raised prices were also caught and immediately taken to the suburbs for execution. At the time of hearing the news, Han Fuqu was playing mahjong with his concubines at the president's office. When he heard a report, he jumped up at once, even without wearing shoes. He pulled a horse with no saddle on his bare feet. After getting on the horse, he raced to the suburban giving ceremony.

When Han Fuqu arrived, the firing squad was raising their guns at several shivering grain merchants. Han Fuqu quickly stopped shouting, then jumped off his horse and untied several shocked grain merchants himself. He said to them, "Guys, it's my fault that Han was badly treated and frightened. I apologize to them, and please don't care."

Several grain merchants stared at Han Fuqu's strange face in amazement, wondering if they were in a dream: "Chairman Han, aren't you going to shoot us?"

"How could I shoot you?" Han Fuqu burst out laughing: "You brought grain and rice for the people of Shandong, and the Shandong elders feel great kindness. If I don't be authentic, I can't bite the hand that feeds me, so I'll shoot you, right? This is all because my men are ignorant and neglect a few people. "

"But Chairman Han," said the grain merchants with a bitter face, "we raised the grain price for sale without permission, which violated your military orders."

"Ha, ha, ha," Han Fuqu laughed on his back. "Isn't it just a price increase? Go up, go up, go up. You can go up at will, go up as you like. Whoever dares to give you a hard time is just giving me a hard time." He shouted loudly.

In fact, people still don't understand what he thinks! ! !

Quit smoking

The horse has thin hair and fat hooves,

The old couple sleep to earn a hot kang,

The old man wants to sleep in the bed,

His wife refuses to let him die,

The old man says I picked the firewood,

My wife says I burned the kang,

The old man says he prefers to sleep,

(clapping to wake up the wood)

Today, I'm going to tell you such a stand-up crosstalk, which is not happening now. That one asked when it happened. It was 6 years later, and that one asked how you knew about it after 6 years. You, don't worry about it.

There is such a person in this paragraph whose surname is smoking, which is called smoking addiction. Why is this called smoking addiction? He loved smoking since he was a child. He stole cigarettes from his father when he was a child, and he was addicted to smoking under such a name since he was a child. When he grows up, no one can take care of him. He can smoke five or six packs of cigarettes a day. Not only does he smoke, but he is also ridiculous. How to say: "two packs of cigarettes in the morning will make you feel refreshed for one day, two packs of cigarettes at noon will make you happy, and two packs of cigarettes at night will make you a living fairy." Don't you think he's unlucky?

One day, the city where this smoker lives has become a smoke-free city, and he won't even be allowed to smoke. Now he is addicted to smoking! ! ! What can I do? (Performance, expressive movements) Alas! ! ! With it, we don't live here anymore. Let's move to another place, prepare dozens of sacks of cigarettes, and build such a small house on the big desert, where I can smoke as much as I like. Others don't know! ! ! From a distance, there is only a yellow smoke. "Yo! ! ! What does that mean? Why is there still yellow smoke in the desert? " I don't know if he is smoking there. But it didn't last long. In a few months, the whole country became a smoke-free country, so there was no choice but to go abroad by boat to smoke. He sat on the boat and looked at it from a distance. It was really "a lonely sail and a blue sky, only a little red cigarette butt"! ! ! Well, that's it. I've taken myself abroad. It took less than two years to smoke in foreign countries, and the World Health Organization declared the earth a smoke-free world. Look at this guy. You can't watch him choke on cigarettes, can you? Let's send him to the moon on the last consultation! ! !

just like that, he went to the sky to smoke! ! ! He spent 16 years on the moon, and one day his family took him back. When he came back, he saw that this is a white hair and a white beard! ! ! I came down with a sack of cigarettes. Someone asked him, "What are you talking about? Why are you still carrying a cigarette?" Look at this one, with tears in his eyes, tears swirling in his eyes, and his mouth trembling slightly and saying four words: "I don't have a light"! ! ! !

I'm covered, you're covered, and you're felt.

if you have money, I will help you. if I have no money, I will use your money.

if I commit a crime and go to jail, you can mix with me inside.

if you commit a crime and go to jail, I will send you a box lunch every day.

when you swear by this, I will die after you; When I broke this oath, you died before me.

As the old saying goes, "Dogs don't eat when people are evil." Listen, if people are restless and always think about taking advantage of themselves, that dog doesn't like it.

well, two days ago, there was a guy in our tea house, let alone who he was. During the performance, two people had a few words in the background, and something went wrong when they got to the stage.

The eight-fan screen we talked about the other day, it's time to talk about children. One of the performers made a mistake and said, are you arguing with me? I left you on the stage. What do you call this character?

It was his turn to say, you should treat me like a child. He didn't say anything, but opened his mouth and said, "You, just treat me like a little girl."

The teaser had just read the words of a child and was about to say it. When he said "little girl," he was stunned. Why? I didn't do this when I was afraid of beating my grandfathers. What should I do? I can't do this, and I hate it in my heart. I gnash my teeth and think,' OK, boy, you want to disgust me, ok, I'll show you what my uncle can do'. That's clever. My brain is spinning fast. Now I've caught a few sentences and opened my mouth to say it.

' You can't compare with a little girl'

I said in my heart,' What can't compare with you? You are really a little girl'

When I heard this, I asked,' Wow, it's ok, it depends on how you pick it up'.

' Oh, why can't I compare with this little girl?'

"Let me tell you something. I was thinking that at the beginning, in the Tang Dynasty, there was a woman whose real name was Zhu and her name was Mulan. Later, due to the emperor's conscription, she attacked the Huns. Because there was no elder brother at home, and her father was too old to bear the hardships of military service. She resolutely changed into a men's clothing pseudonym' Mulan' to go out on behalf of her father. In the army, he was upright and brave, and made great contributions to the Tang Dynasty. After returning to China, the emperor named her as a high-ranking official in the palace of ten thousand families. She was not confused by money, so she resolutely returned to her hometown. Later generations left a poem of Mulan to show her filial piety, which is really a little girl with the highest filial piety. Did you compare this little girl? "

when he heard this, he said,' Hey, he's really dealt with. No, I still have to give him a hard time.'

hurry up and say, "If I can't compete, you can just treat me as a troublemaker."

Hearing this,' OK,