Several major pain points of intergenerational education have spoken out the voices of countless mothers!

Separate child care is destined to be a controversial and controversial topic in our tim

Several major pain points of intergenerational education have spoken out the voices of countless mothers!

Separate child care is destined to be a controversial and controversial topic in our time.

Nowadays, young and middle-aged professionals generally live in a high-pressure, fast-paced and highly mobile social environment, and Separate child care has become a "forced" choice for more and more families. Statistics show that in families where both husband and wife work in first-tier cities, the proportion of grandparents participating in the third-generation upbringing is as high as 80%. Some families even adopt the "all-inclusive" model. Grandparents should not only take care of their grandchildren's food, clothing, housing and transportation, but also undertake most of the educational functions. Parents are like supporting actors or even cameos, and the time and quality of getting along with their children are seriously lacking.

As for the situation in Separate child care, most people agree that it is not worth the loss. In the book "The most beautiful education is the simplest", Mr. Yin Jianli pointed out that "intergenerational education has split the connection between life", which impressed him deeply. In fact, the greatest advantage of Separate child care is to liberate young parents and make time for their career development and social leisure. However, it has a great influence on children's education itself and family ethics and affection, and improper handling may even bring a devastating blow.

It sounds chilling, doesn't it? It is not good for old people to pay so much for their children and grandchildren.

In fact, it is not the old people with babies who are bad, but the disadvantages of this model itself.

For a long time, Separate child care has been criticized by several key words: doting, backward and simple.

Yes, it's easy for grandparents to spoil and arrange their children, and it's easy for them to be self-centered, willful and overbearing, lacking self-control and independent spirit. For example, many old people can't help their children crying and buy snacks and toys for their children, but they are full of complaints while saving money. Although the child has got it, there is still a sense of lack in his heart, so he repeatedly has the desire to buy; Some old people pay attention to rules and courtesy verbally, but when their children need to restrain themselves and suffer a little injustice, they may not be able to do it in action; Others chase after the children and feed them, bringing all the toothbrushes and toothpaste at hand, as if these are not the children's own business, but the adults' business.

Yes, grandparents do have outdated ideas. For example, urinating easily disrupts the development rhythm of children's own physiological functions, which has been abandoned by many young parents, but the older generation may still not accept it; Many young parents are exposed to the natural, gentle and beautiful educational concept of "free children are the most conscious" and are willing to give their children the freedom to explore all kinds of things and even do some minor harm, but in the eyes of old people, they are "too spoiled" and "spoiled".

Yes, it is really impossible for grandparents to take care of their children in a scientific and subtle way. Many things can only be simplified by past experiences and feelings at that time. In the face of disobedient children, few old people can escape the trilogy of reasoning-criticism-scolding (beating) to listen to their inner voices, accept and channel their emotions.

However, these spits do not seem to touch the root of the problem. If a good role order can be established in the family, if every family member can hold the belief of self-improvement and harmonious communication for the healthy growth of children, even if Separate child care must exist, the problem is not unsolvable.

And this is exactly the hardest thing to do.

Therefore, I think the fundamental crux of Separate child care lies in relations and boundaries.

My best friend, Xiao Qi, once had a baby with her for a while.

Xiaoqi is the only daughter of a happy family. She is gentle and sensible and works in a foreign company after graduating from college. Because her husband is a "phoenix man", Xiaoqi's family conditions are very good. After marriage, the young couple live with their parents-in-law. After the son is born, it is natural for his parents-in-law to take on the heavy responsibility of raising grandchildren. At first, Xiaoqi's parents, who were promoted to grandparents, were in high spirits and took care of everything for the busy young couple. Xiaoqi is very satisfied with the busy and warm little life of a family of five.

However, with the passage of time, the hard work and busyness of bringing a baby exceeded expectations and the endurance of the elderly, and the feelings of complaints and dissatisfaction gradually rose and increased. Especially Xiaoqi's mother, every day when they come home from work, she turns on the vomiting mode, endlessly telling how tired she is at the end of the day, how hard her baby is, and how her later life was messed up by her baby. She blames her daughter and son-in-law. "You go out at 7 o'clock every morning, come in at 7 o'clock in the evening, and often work overtime or have something to go out on weekends. It's so comfortable to throw all the children at us! "

The young couple are considerate of their mother's hard work and always kindly comfort them, but after a long time, they will inevitably be wronged and depressed: we know that you are hard, but we are not idle! Do you know how stressful young people are at work now? Besides, as long as we all take care of the baby at home, we have done our best. How can you say that all the children have been thrown at you? Xiaoqi's mother thinks that she is so selfless, but she can't get the gratitude of her children, which is really chilling.

In this way, the contradiction between mother and daughter gradually escalated, from occasional bickering to a big fight over trifles every once in a while, and the son followed suit, and the family cried and grabbed the land. Xiaoqi's husband can't explain clearly. Faced with the negative energy that haunts his ears every day, he can only complain to his wife privately, so the relationship between husband and wife is also affected. Unharmonious family relations have a direct impact on children's personality. The five-year-old son has grown into a sniveling, silent "prick".

Xiaoqi has made a lot of efforts to change this situation. She communicated with her parents through oral communication, WeChat communication and even letters, asking her mother to listen to her opinions more and complain less. However, this did not work.

Once, relatives gave the little guy a can of tadpoles. The little guy was so happy that he couldn't put it down. But the next day he found some bodies, and he showed a sad expression. Xiaoqi held her son in her arms, trying to ease his mood, and then told him the growth law and reproduction skills of tadpoles. Unexpectedly, my grandmother threw out a disdainful sentence, "What's the fuss? If you die, you die. This thing won't live long! " Afterwards, Xiaoqi carefully hinted to her mother: "Mom, I don't think what you said before is appropriate. Maybe it doesn't matter if a few tadpoles die in the eyes of adults, but such a young child should cultivate his respect for nature and life ... "Xiaoqi's mother was furious:" Don't do this! I've worked hard to bring up the children all day, and you have to be picky. Is there such a truth in the world? ! "

There are countless such bridges. As long as you and your mother show a little disagreement, you will be severely reprimanded. Xiaoqi realized that she and her mother could no longer communicate rationally and peacefully. Every day, the family is exhausted by wayward and unruly children, who often consume energy in contradictions, which further worsens the situation of children, as if they have entered an infinite cycle. Due to overwork and depression, her body also has many problems. Xiaoqi, who is in high spirits in the workplace, can't shave her sharp hair at home and thinks that both mother and daughter are good losers.

I can especially understand her situation and mood, but I can't answer her question well, because at that time, I was also facing the dilemma of Separate child care.

Like Xiaoqi, I am also a busy office worker. After my daughter was born, my mother helped me take care of her. My mother is a capable and confident person, and she is strong in family life. When I was growing up, I deeply realized her ever-present concern, accompanied by ever-present control and intervention. Take stock of her three most common sentences: "Just listen to me!" ; "How could you ..."; "What you do is not pleasing to the eye!"

After my mother became a grandmother, she was really conscientious and meticulous, and her daughter's food, clothing, housing and transportation were very suitable, which made me very moved. It is precisely because of this that she is particularly tired, because she has too many things to worry about, doesn't like it, and can't help it.

I often take my daughter out for sightseeing on weekends. My mother almost always has a problem with my arrangement, either the road is too long to tire my children or the cost performance is low. She often nags and blames her when we go home before we go out, and sometimes cancels the original arrangement for her daughter without consulting me.

When I take my daughter to complete the manual labor and voluntary labor arranged by the kindergarten, my mother always likes to overthrow me and my daughter. Once, I asked my children to complete a charity work within their power. I took my daughter to the community lawn to pick up waste plastic bottles. My daughter was very enthusiastic, but my mother stopped drinking immediately after she found out, and gave me a hard lesson: "It's so dirty, you can think of letting children do this!" " On another occasion, children were asked to draw a picture with crab shells. The mother was dissatisfied with her daughter's idea and had to overturn it. Although her daughter did what she wanted to do, she was obviously depressed that some of her labor achievements were denied, and she didn't say a word for a long time.

There is a strange phenomenon in our family. Mom is always rejected by her own mother, and she is not a good mother. Sometimes my daughter is playing with something alone, and she is very focused on disassembling it. She didn't come to work as an adult. I am also happy to take time out to read a few pages in my spare time. My mother thought it was wrong and began to teach me: "How can you be a mother? It doesn't matter if the child plays alone for so long! " I said innocently that I knew what she was doing, I was sure to be safe and she was happy. That's all. What else do you need to do? Seeing that she couldn't move me, my mother rushed up to her and said, "honey, this is not the case." Look what my grandmother has done ... "Even my daughter's braids are often taken down and combed again. She said to her daughter," Your mother can't comb her braids well, so low, only you can tie them high! "

My mother habitually interferes with and denies everything I do to my daughter. After a long time, my daughter didn't trust or respect me as a mother. When she disagreed with me, she said she wanted to talk to her grandmother, as if her grandmother was the only criterion of truth.

We have no intention to belittle and deny the great efforts made by our ancestors and their children. On the contrary, we are always grateful. It is their selfless dedication regardless of return, and it is this deep love based on consanguinity that provides comprehensive care for children's childhood, adds a warm family background, and relieves the worries of hard work for young parents. The hard work all the year round is hard to report.

However, for the healthy growth of the next generation and the happiness and harmony of the family, we must face up to the problems and contradictions in Separate child care and try our best to solve them.

Everything has its inherent natural password and exquisite design. If you violate this password and design, you may get short-term benefits, but you will definitely get long-term troubles and future troubles in the future. The reason why Separate child care is easy to fall into a thankless predicament is that it violates the role order of family education.

In my family, the main problem is the lack of sense of boundaries. My mother is used to controlling me all the time, without distinguishing between "my business", "your business" and "our business", and then extending this control to her granddaughter. She didn't realize, or didn't want to admit, that in the process of her daughter's growth, I was the protagonist and she was the supporting role. My daughter's education direction, principles, paths and methods are mainly decided by her parents. When I am too busy, she just needs to help me.

The old people have fulfilled their responsibilities to society and family, and their physical strength, energy, ability to learn and accept new things have all entered a period of decline, and they should have lived in peace. Educating the third generation is an extra task and a reluctant thing for them, and it should not be taken as a natural obligation. Parents are the first guardians of children, and no one can replace this role.

The taboo of multiple standards and multiple voices in family education, especially the opposing voices standing at the "two poles", will make it difficult for children to establish objective and rational judgment standards and develop vulgar thinking that everything is comfortable and beneficial to them. However, due to the significant differences between the two generations in living environment, educational background and way of thinking, it is impossible to expect the differences between them to be completely eliminated.

Therefore, as long as there is a little possibility of overcoming difficulties on your own, try not to let grandparents take care of the baby, just let them enjoy playing with their grandchildren from time to time. The two generations have their own space and life, and they are independent and caring for each other, which is the most ideal state.

If it is really necessary to introduce the Separate child care model due to various factors, then parents should also give full play to their wisdom and rationality, clarify the relationship, draw a clear line, ensure that every family member is in his place, and create an enlightened and harmonious environment for the growth of children.

Fortunately, we are all self-help parents. For the sake of our children, we are willing to do our best to comb the pile of hemp rope that life has thrown at us into a patchwork, exquisite and beautiful thread group.

After a painful struggle, Xiaoqi made an epoch-making decision for her: the young couple bought a house independently and separated from their parents.

Although many things have to be undertaken independently in the future, compared with the previous relationship of intertwining and consuming like vines, Xiaoqi feels that the effort is worthwhile.

Before moving, Xiaoqi had a long talk with her parents. First of all, she sincerely thanked her parents for all they had done for their grandchildren and daughter-in-law, and then told them in detail her plans after setting up a new home, asking them to believe that they were capable of running their small family well.

Both husband and wife adjusted their jobs appropriately. Xiaoqi changed her job with flexible working hours, while her husband applied for a transfer to a similar position to spend as much time as possible with her children. Xiaoqi's parents still help them with their children, but they have changed from leading roles to supporting roles. They just send their grandchildren to kindergarten every morning and evening and arrange dinner. Xiaoqi and his wife pick them up after work. Taking my son out to play, visiting friends and attending interest classes on weekends is full and enjoyable. Of course, if something really happens, they will naturally "deposit" their son with their grandparents.

Slowly, Xiaoqi found a change that surprised her. Mother returned to her former gentleness and generosity, and the old couple went to the university for the aged to study flower arrangement and Chinese painting. Every weekend and holiday, they take their son back, and the old couple are happy, and all kinds of complaints, accusations and dislikes before disappear completely.

So, did Xiaoqi's son encounter any problems because of the lack of all-weather care from his ancestors? Not exactly. On the contrary, because the family structure has become simple, it is easier for family members to reach an agreement on things and practices, and the atmosphere has become mild. On the contrary, the son is much smarter and easier to take. And because parents are busy, it is impossible to serve everything in place like their ancestors. The little guy reduced his dependence, his self-care ability grew rapidly, and he could sleep alone at night.

After clarifying the relationship and eliminating the sense of giving and unfairness, Xiaoqi's parenting path has finally embarked on a virtuous circle. Recently, she told me with emotion that this change is also a process of self-cultivation and transformation, and it started from the day when she lived independently with her son. She felt that she really grew up.

As for myself, although due to the limitation of objective conditions, I have not been able to live separately from my grandparents for the time being, I have also made positive efforts in "establishing boundaries".

I had several serious and in-depth conversations with my parents, frankly expressed my confusion, distress and worries, and held a constructive attitude to discuss and determine a solution acceptable to both sides.

First, establish the principle of "taking me as the mainstay". I decide the important issues of children's education. As long as I am at home and have time to take care of my children, the elderly don't have to "always online", let alone easily interfere with parents' education and management of their children.

Second, family members should not blame each other in front of children, especially grandparents should try not to deny their parents in front of children, and vice versa. Communicate privately if there are differences, and then give a unified voice to the children after obtaining opinions acceptable to both parties.

Third, conform to the child's nature, calm down, "mind off", reduce unnecessary cumbersome constraints on safety and moral bottom line, and let the child grow up in a principled and relaxed atmosphere.

Although this adjustment is not long, we can already see some gratifying changes. My image and prestige in my daughter's eyes are gradually improving, and my grandmother feels that it is easier to take care of the children than before.

It is said that the elderly in China are a particularly great and difficult group. After raising children, they will continue to worry about the third generation, and they will never stop worrying about their own lives.

As young parents, we are deeply grateful and respectful. We will also educate our children. Grandparents take care of you very hard. When you grow up, you should know how to be grateful and repay them.

At the same time, we also have some heartfelt words to say to you:

Please firmly believe that we will always be close relatives connected with your blood. The arrival of the third generation will change the customary family structure and mode of getting along more or less, and will lead to some contradictions and differences, but please don't doubt that we will always love you and appreciate your heart.

Please firmly believe that the best parent-child relationship is to get close first and then separate, and still love each other after separation. Thank you for your contribution is not in contradiction with clarifying the relationship and establishing boundaries in Separate child care. The former is emotional ethics, while the latter is methods and tactics. This is not only for the growth of children, but also for your happy and peaceful old age.

Please firmly believe that if you want your children to be happy and safe in their later years, then please rest assured that you will give us the initiative to raise the third generation. Maybe we are inexperienced and not comprehensive enough, maybe we will encounter many difficulties and make a fool of ourselves, maybe we will go through a painful adaptation period, but please believe that in the end, children and parents will benefit. The sooner you work harder, the less you have to worry about your children in the future.

Finally, please firmly believe that we will first examine and improve any problems and contradictions encountered in intergenerational education from our own perspective, and try our best to communicate, solve, improve and take responsibility. We should never put the blame on you. Because, we are the first responsible person for parenting.