Joke, very funny.

At the beginning of a school roll call, a class teacher was ingenious and said to the students, "I read the student number.

Say your name so that everyone can get to know each other, ok? "

"No.001""Report teacher, my name is Jiao, my name is Jiao Pei." The teacher was a little dizzy and asked, "This?"

Who bought it for you? ""My dad ""What does your dad do? " "He opened a pig factory! "

"002" A girl stood up. "Report teacher, my name is Zhang and my name is Zhang Dekai."

"No.003" "Report teacher, I am Zhang Dekai's twin brother, and my name is Zhang Panda Kai." "Who is this?

You named it "My Dad". He sells pliers. "The teacher quickly took a sip of water.

"No.004" "Report teacher, my surname is Qu (this word is pronounced" Oh "), my name is Qu Ye, and this is?

My mother named me. She said that when I was born, I just played a computer game "Teacher's".

I feel a little uncomfortable.

"No.005" "Report to the teacher, fuck you" "How do you curse?" "No, teacher, I mean.

My last name is Gan, and my name is foster mother. My father makes wine. "The teacher ate a pill.

"No.006" "Teacher, my name is Gou, and my name is Gou Wuli" "Does your father own a steamed stuffed bun shop?" "Old.

Teacher, you are so clever! "The teacher is a little unstable.

"No.007", "My name is Kuai (Kuai, three times), and my name is Kuai Goods", "Don't tell me that your father runs a warehouse"

Teacher, you are too square. My father is a pimp. "The teacher's mouth has oozed blood.

"008" "Go to hell, teacher" "What? What did you say! " "I mean, my name is Ni, and I'm going to the temple.

My mother is a Buddhist. Is my name interesting? ""interesting, interesting. "

The teacher is about to cry.

"No.009" "Teacher, let's talk about it next time." "Why say it next time, you say it now." "No .. teacher,

My last name is Xia, and my name is Xia Huishuo. My father is a storyteller. "The teacher has felt very dizzy.

"0 10" "Teacher, my last name is Gao, and my name is Yin." "My name is Mei, and my name is Mei Conscience."

"My name is Wu, and my name is Kate." "My last name is Mao Rongrong." .......

The teacher turned to the sky and growled, "God, I met a group of students!" " "Blood gushed from his mouth and he fell to the ground and died.

"Qinyuanchun? Buy a ticket ":"Spring Festival travel rush is coming again, China has money for the plane, but no money for the station ticket. Look inside and outside the Great Wall, big bags and small bags. Up and down the river, migrant workers surge. Get up early, stay up all night, and strive to compete with ticket sellers. Need money. Look at the sea of people, one vote is hard to protect. Tickets are so hard to find, attracting countless heroes to compete. Yesterday, Qin Huang Hanwu fled when he saw this scene; Tang Zong Song Zu, also didn't recruit! A generation of arrogance, Genghis Khan had to ride his back. "

Celery was walking when he suddenly felt a pain in his stomach. Then he hissed. What did you say he took out? That's celery dung (diligence)! ! ! What color is celery (vegetable) dung?

Answer: yellow.

Because: Qin Shihuang (Qin Shihuang)

A friend's child went to primary school, and the teacher asked him to draw. The first three pictures show that the pig got lost and the mother pig found it. Let's draw the fourth picture. According to our idea, children must draw a picture of mother pig and pig living happily together. Little did he know that the children drew a bonfire with two roast pigs, one big and one small.

On the way to school with several classmates, classmate A accidentally stepped on a horse gourd cover and turned it over. Fortunately, we caught him in time, but his feet were still soaked in the poop in the horse gourd ... After I got him up, I observed the horse gourd cover, which was near my home, and it was okay to walk on it often. I tried to step on it with one foot, but it didn't turn over and I stepped on both feet. I said curiously to my classmates who were cleaning up the poop on their feet, "You don't know how it grows. You won't turn it over until I get up. " Then I jumped twice, and the lid of the horse gourd suddenly turned over … because other students were cleaning A's shoes, and no one came to catch me …

When I was in junior high school, I lived on campus and the management was strict. Some students can't bear loneliness, and secretly go to Internet cafes to play at night. Because the gate was closed, he had to jump off the wall, so the classmate jumped out of the toilet. I didn't expect the take-off force to be small, so I jumped directly into the cesspit. After two o'clock in the middle of the night, I walked twenty miles and went home.

1, where is it?

A friend asked his third-grade son, "Where are you in the class?"

"third." The son replied.

"Great!" The friend said enviously.

Son: "Just two can't beat!" " "

2. Bus fun

Everyone knows that there are two ways to pay by bus: coin or credit card. When I took the bus today, there was a MM in front of me. After getting on the bus, I took out a dollar from my pocket and rubbed it on the card reader. Then I put the money in my pocket and found a place to sit down and continue reading. After the driver reminded, MM blushed and the whole car was speechless. I laughed in the back, only to see MM brain-dead take out the bus card and put it decisively into the slot. ...

Step 3 answer blows with blows

Today, on the side of the road, a girl came over and looked like a college student, as if she wanted to ask for directions. When she came up, she called, "Uncle ..." Sweat! I'm not yet thirty. How can I be like an uncle? So I clenched my fists: "Sister-in-law, what's the matter?"

4. When a swindler meets a robber,

My friend bought an old fake gold necklace and wears it to work every day. Once when I came back from the night shift, I passed a remote place and suddenly saw two boys coming towards him on motorcycles! Seeing that they were going to grab the necklace, friends quickly picked it up and threw it into the grass next to them. The two robbers jumped off the motorcycle to look for it without hesitation, and then their friends calmly got on the motorcycle and rode away. The robber was stupid, and one asked, "Brother, what should I do?" The other said cruelly, "Call the police!"

5. Why didn't you eat shit at first?

The teacher asked, "since ancient times, who has never had shit in his life?" You take the next sentence. "

Student: "Who defecates without paper?"

The teacher was very angry and told the students to stand up. At this time, when the teacher saw that it was snowing outside the window, he said with regret, "It doesn't rain when it snows, but it turns into rain when it reaches the ground." How troublesome it is to turn into rain. Why didn't it rain at the beginning? "

The student said, "Teachers don't eat shit when they eat, but when they eat it, they become shit." . How troublesome it is to become a cockroach. Why didn't you eat it at first? "The teacher fainted on the spot!

6. It's chilling

One day, I found a checkers in win7 and played it all afternoon. At first, I kept losing. Later, I felt that I had made a good move. I saw two sentences pop up in the dialog box: "awesome! Good chess! "

I thought it was a stand-alone game and replied, "Wow, the computer can talk."

And then nothing happened for a long time. Finally, the other party sent a sentence: "Big Brother, I played with you all afternoon. It's chilling that you don't treat me like a human being. . . "

7. Name

There is a couple. The first child gave birth to a girl named "Zhao Di", the second child named "Youzhao", the third child named "Zaizhao" by the girl, and the fourth child was a girl. Father was angry and named her "stunt".

8. This crocodile has no shoes.

A Polish man was envious when he saw his friend wearing a pair of crocodile shoes. When asked, it was very expensive, so I decided to hunt a crocodile myself. He found a swamp, jumped into the water and struggled with a crocodile for a long time, and finally dragged the crocodile ashore. Then he sighed and said, "This crocodile has no shoes to wear and wasted so much time."

9. Who wants to be my girlfriend?

At the concert, a buddy excitedly said to the stars on the stage with a microphone: "I am your most loyal fan." I have attended almost all your concerts, and I finally have a chance today! " Can you take a picture with my girlfriend? "The star felt very moved and agreed without hesitation.

Then the buddy listened happily and asked the audience, "Great, so ladies, who wants to be my girlfriend?"

10, now you are really dead.

A man ventured alone in the forest and suddenly found himself surrounded by cannibals. So he shouted to the sky, "I'm dead, God help me!" " "

A voice came from the sky: "not necessarily, you pick up a big stone on the ground again and smash the leader to death."

So he picked up the biggest stone on the ground and threw it at the chief, just killing him. Then another voice came from the sky: "Now you are really dead."

1 1, me after 30 years.

In the composition "Me Thirty Years Later" in primary school, one child wrote: It's a nice day today. I drove a Rolls Royce from my husband's wedding anniversary, wore a three-carat diamond ring and a ruby necklace around my neck, and took my children to the Great Forest Park to play. Suddenly, a smelly, filthy and homeless old lady rushed out of the road. Oh, my God, she is my Chinese teacher!

Teacher's comment: You are standing in class this week!

Blushing is natural.

One day, the animals smelled an unpleasant smell in front of Guan Gong Temple. The snake said, "I am too young to fart so smelly." It must be a cow. "

The cow said, "I eat grass, and I won't fart so smelly."

The pig said, "People who fart will blush."

Suddenly, Guan Gong rushed out and drove the pig away, saying, "How many times have I told you, I was born blushing."

13, fortune telling

I saw a fortune teller on the street today and asked him to tell my fortune. He read my palm for a long time and suddenly looked up at me. Then he knelt on the ground and shouted, "Long live the emperor!"

14. Whose mobile phone is this?

A man heard a cell phone ringing in the locker room of the gym, so he picked it up and answered it. Another man said, "honey, I think that sports car is so beautiful, as long as 2 million." The man said, "buy it."

The woman added, "Dear, the price of the building I mentioned last time has been reduced to 6 1000 yuan." The man said, "buy it."

Woman: "Honey, I love you". Man: "I love you, too." The phone hung up.

The man shouted, "Whose mobile phone is this?"

15, seven courses of treatment.

When the Tang Priest and his party were in distress, Wukong pulled out his hair and became seven fake Tang Priests. Huang Paoguai couldn't tell the truth, so he immediately took him back to the cave and said to Princess Baihua, "Madam, I brought the Tang Priest back. Eat his flesh and you will live forever! "

Princess Baihua looked at it and wondered, "Why are there seven?"

Huang Paoguai said, "Maybe seven is a course of treatment ..."

16, the exam questions are too biased and too difficult.

Dad said, "Show me the report card." It took Xiao Qiang a long time to get out his report card.

Dad: "Geography 58, history 57, politics 59! What are you doing in class? "

Xiao Qiang: "The questions given by the teacher are too difficult."

Dad: "Where is it? Where is the difficulty? "

Xiao Qiang: "The geography exam is about places I haven't been to, and the history exam is about things before I was born. I didn't attend political meetings. How do I know? "

17, there is an error in the test paper.

Halfway through the final exam, the broadcast rang: "Attention, students, there are mistakes on the paper! Please look at the second item of the ninth question on page 4:' Li Lei walks at a speed of 5 kilometers per hour. How many hours did it take to walk 10 km?' Please change Li Lei into Han Meimei. Thank you. "

A puppy climbed onto the dining table of the army and onto a roast chicken. The army was furious and said, "If you dare to do anything to that roast chicken, I will dare to do anything to you." As a result, the puppy licked the chicken's ass and the army fainted. The puppy said happily, "Look who is cruel."

Making fun of the teacher: (1) In math class, a boy was picking his nose. The teacher said, "xx, stop digging. There are more and more such things. "

(2) Chinese teacher: I killed pigs in my last life, taught in this life, killed people in my last life, and taught Chinese in this life.

(3) teach you that I will live at least five years less. If my annual salary is 0.2 million/200 thousand, it will be 6.5438+0 million in five years, dear! In the future, you can publish a book called How We Murdered a Millionaire.

(4) There is a saying that "Huashan has been a road since ancient times." Going up the mountain is this way, going down the mountain is this way, and if there is any other way, it is free fall.

(5) All right, everybody, laugh quickly. I want to keep talking. By the way, I want to remind some students that although the teacher speaks very well, you must not be reluctant to upgrade. As far as I know, some students in this class have listened to my class for three years and are still in Grade One. Do you want to sign? If you want to, just say so. ...

(6) The geography teacher asked: Where does the river flow? A student suddenly stood up and sang: The river flows eastward. The teacher ignored him and then asked, How many stars are there in the sky? Students sing: The stars in the sky join Beidou. The teacher was out of breath: get out. The student said, let's go. The teacher is very helpless: you are sick. Student: You have everything. Teacher: You are singing a quiz. Student: The road is rugged. Teacher: You shout.

1 There was a trap crossing the road and I was accidentally run over by a truck. When he died, he looked at his body and said, "I was stuffed with bean paste, not meat."

There is a polar bear, because the snow is too dazzling, he has to wear sunglasses to see things, but he can't find sunglasses, so he crawls around the ground with his eyes closed until his hands and feet are dirty. Put on sunglasses and look in the mirror, only to find: Oh, I'm a panda.

3. A polar bear stayed in a daze on the ice. When he was really bored, he began to pluck his hair, one, two, three, and there was no last one left, and then he froze to death.

4. Once upon a time, there was a bird that passed through a cornfield every day, but unfortunately, one day there was a fire in that cornfield, and all the corn turned into popcorn! ! ! After the bird flew by ... it thought it was snowing, so it was very cold.

Xiaoming got a new haircut and came to school the next day. The students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head looks like a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged, so he ran outside crying and flew away.

6. The spider fell in love with the butterfly, but the butterfly refused it. Spider asks: Why? This is why! Butterfly said: My mother said that people who fool around on the Internet all day are not good people.

7. On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road. The banana walking in front suddenly felt so hot. He said it was too hot. I want to take off my clothes. As a result, he skinned it. As a result, the banana in the back fell down. Then peeled bananas become dried bananas ~

Where's Xiaoming? He will have an exam tomorrow, but he is watching TV in the evening.

Xiao Ming's mother asked anxiously: Have you finished all the books? There will be an exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming replied brightly: Mom, I finished reading it.

Xiao Ming's mother praised Xiao Ming happily: Good boy, then you must do well in the exam tomorrow.

Xiao Ming cried and said, Mom, I mean,' Mom, I think it's over'.

9. Pandas love deer deeply, but they are rejected when expressing their love. Panda roar ~ why? What's all this for? The deer said timidly, my mother said that those who wear sunglasses are all bad teenagers.

10 which is the coolest Chinese character? Thong (cool)

The towel said to the coin, son. If you put on a doctor's hat, you will be worth a hundred times.

The "ruler" said to "do": Sister, the results have come out. You are pregnant with twins.

The minister said to the giant: the same area as you. I have three rooms and two halls.

Contribute all the classic jokes I collected ... 1. Three white rabbits picked a mushroom, and the two big ones asked the small ones to get some wild vegetables to eat together. The youngest said I wouldn't go, so I left, and you ate my mushrooms. The two big ones said no, and the white rabbit went ~ ~ ~ Half a year passed, and the big one said no. Eat the other big one first and then wait ~ ~ A year has passed, and the white rabbit hasn't come back yet. The two major discussions don't have to wait for us to eat. Just then, the little white rabbit suddenly jumped out of the nearby jungle and said angrily, Look! I know you want to eat my mushrooms. 2. Many things will have various tastes after being cooked ... so cooking? # 123; Always very particular. But ... on the contrary ... something; It smells better if it's chilled. What is this? Electricity. Because ... refrigerator->; Electricity-ice-(fragrance) ... 3. Cars can fly. Please guess a drink ... coffee ... because ... (car)-(flying) 4. We say that a bear without a tail is called a koala, so what is a bear without a penis called? The answer is the female bear, because the female bear has no penis. 5. Once upon a time, there was a steamed bread ~ ate a meatball ~ turned into steamed bread ~ 6. Once upon a time, there was a rare steak and a rare steak in the street. Why don't they say hello? Because: they are strangers ... 7. Q: One day, a bird took 1 hour to fly from Kaohsiung to Taipei. But it took 2 hours to get back! Why? Because it is raining! So cover the rain with one hand and let it fly with the other. 8. Q: What chicken runs fast in the world? What chicken is slow? A: Chicken nuggets (quick)

Have fun! O(∩_∩)O~