Jokes about turtle girls

1. A farmer went whoring, and Ji said, "The lawn is ten yuan once, the chair is twenty yuan once, and the bed is fifty yuan once. The farmer threw out fifty yuan, and Ji smiled and said, Mr. Good mood! The farmer said, "a P 50 yuan, five times on the grass."

2. A woman urinated in the toilet, and a drunk went by mistake after drinking. When he heard the sound of urinating, he said, don't come, I really don't drink! The woman was too frightened to pee again. She couldn't hold back and farted. The drunkard said, shit! Who the fuck opened another bottle!

In the afternoon, I work alone in the office. A colleague in front ate too much at noon and farted wildly. It's so loud that this man can't help it. He cursed: "You can't hold it, *" Finally, there was a moment of peace. When this man was refreshed, he suddenly saw the heir in front of him shaking wildly and asked, "What's the matter with you?"

The man replied, "I'm afraid to disturb you." I'll make it vibrate ... "

The Tang Priest met a banshee in the west, and observed her breasts and buttocks, so he wanted to have sex. When the banshee saw it, she exclaimed, Elder! My little girl is afraid of having sex when she menstruates! Hearing this, the Tang Priest folded his hands: Amitabha, I'm here to learn from the scriptures!

(a classic of four monks and a group of women)

5. A couple came to the wishing pool. The husband bent down, made a wish and put a coin back in the well. My wife also wanted to make a wish, but when she bent down, she accidentally fell into the well. The husband was startled, then smiled and said to himself, what a fucking spirit!

(It is estimated that many married men will think so, too. Unfortunately. . . Alas)

6. The husband came home and found his wife and doctor lying in bed. Doctor: Don't get me wrong, I'm taking her temperature. Husband: If the thing you inserted into my wife has no scale, you are dead.

7. A woman refused to marry her boyfriend because of her small breasts. Man: Do you have steamed bread as big as it? The woman said: Yes. On the wedding night, the man rushed out of the door and shouted at the sky: Oh, my God! Wangzai steamed buns are also called steamed buns! ! !

(In pity. . . At least I told the truth before marriage, and the steamed buns are real! Now we are dazzled by the fake and the real! )

8. Talking about an old man chatting with a young vampire. The young man said, "Alas, life has been rather depressing recently, and I haven't drunk blood for a long time." The old man said, "Me too. Recently, I can only pick up some tea bags in the ladies' room and soak some boiled water. "

(What exactly is a tea bag? Go home and ask LP! :)

9. Two dwarfs are making love in their own room. One of them is almost over, only listening to the other room, 1, 2, 3, alas ...................1,2, 3. Hey, when he got up in the morning, he asked the dwarf, "Come on, man, do it all night?" The other replied, "Shit, I didn't jump into bed all night."

10. Two turtles, after making love, made an appointment to meet again next year. The next year, the male turtle came to see the female turtle, already waiting, but the female turtle cursed: You have turned me upside down for a fucking year.

(I would like to give this document to those smelly men who sleep after s ... hehe! Don't scold me. . )

1 1. The condom said to the sanitary napkin: Sister, don't go to work. As soon as you go to work, I will have no business for seven days! Sanitary napkins versus condoms: Big Brother, you are satisfied. If you fucking leak, I won't have a job for ten months

12. At night, my wife was sitting on the bed, her hands and feet were moving, and she suddenly grabbed her husband's little penis and tried to take off her clothes. The wife asked: Why? Dave asked, what are you doing? Wife: I will take my driver's license test tomorrow and practice shifting gears.

I want to hire her as a private driver and strongly demand to go out and sit in the co-pilot seat! ! ! )

13. the Monkey King studied classics and hooked up with Bai Gujing. Because the Tang Priest didn't succeed, I went to Bai Gujing Cave House at night when I was begging for alms. I had sex twice at night because there was no light. After that, the Monkey King sighed with emotion: "tmd, goblins are goblins, and the hymen is so hard." Bones scolded "You are impatient, I haven't taken off my underwear yet"! !

(after laughing, I wonder: can this be finished? )

14. Revolutionary Diary:1949 On September 28th, I was arrested. They tortured me and didn't confess!

On the 29th, they lured me with money, but they didn't move!

On 30th, they sent a female spy ..... I confessed!

The next day, when I wanted to talk, the fucking liberation!

What's wrong with liberation? Can we catch female spies after liberation? )

15. Whenever there is a new toy, Maruko should show off to Xiao Xin. Xiao Xin had no choice but to take off his pants and say, You'll never have this. The next day, Maruko also took off his pants and said, my mother said that as long as I have this, I can have as many things as I want!

16. Liu Bei and Zhang Guan are trapped on a desert island. A few days later, Zhang Fei wanted to chop down his brother to satisfy his hunger. Guan Yu said: SB, knead and cut, there is more meat! At this time, Guan Yu saw Liu Bei in SY and asked, Brother, what are you doing? Liu Bei: Order the whole sauce!

17. A little girl went to the bakery to buy breakfast. She said to the boss: boss! Buy a chocolate doll. Boss: Do you want a boy or a girl? Girl: A boy doll, of course! Because there are a little more places to eat.

18. One day, a chimpanzee accidentally stepped on a stool pulled by a gibbon. They had a one-night stand after the mother ape carefully wiped the stool off the chimpanzee. Afterwards, someone asked how they met. Chimpanzees sighed with emotion: "Ape dung (fate) is all ape dung!

(Inviting MM to dinner to adjust mood is best not to talk about this! ! ! ! Haha)

19. A man got on the bus and paid for the ticket, but took out a condom. A lady behind shouted, "Sir, your second brother's work clothes have dropped!" " "

Taxi drivers are often fined by the police. He especially hates the police. One day, his daughter-in-law comforted him and said, Husband, we will call the police when we have a child. If you want to get angry, call the police when you come back. If you are still not angry, call the police.

2 1. Professor Q: What do rotten radishes and pregnant women have in common? A student replied: it's all caused by bugs. Only get 60 points. Another student got full marks, and the answer was: it was all because he was late.

22. Dong Zhuo gave a banquet to entertain Lu Bu, Marotta and other confidants, with the story of Diusim as his companion. In order to test everyone's loyalty, Zhuo Mingchan painted his breasts black. During the dinner, the candle suddenly went out. When we looked again, everyone's hands were black and clean. Zhuosui enjoys cloth, smiles and likes to eat.

23. An adult man came to a hotel. He saw many beautiful cars in the garage and asked his boss why.

There are so many beautiful cars, the boss told him. I have a five-year-old son who does three things. If you can follow him.

Here, you can choose a car to drive away here. If you can't, leave your car. Many people can't do it, so. . he

I thought what a five-year-old could do was impossible, so I gave it a try. The boss took him to a room.

There is a beautiful naked beauty on her face. The child kissed her and he kissed her in return. Then the child touched the beauty again.

The whole body, he followed, and the third thing, the child took out his little brother and bent it three times. . . . .

(no more than I don't know, children have unique skills. )

24. A man and a woman met at the donation center and they started talking.

The woman said, "I came to donate blood, and they gave me five yuan."

The man said, "I donate sperm and they pay 50 yuan."

The woman listened and thought for a long time. Then they broke up.

A few months later, they met again at the donation center in the morning. The man took the initiative to say hello, "Hey, come to donate blood again?"

The woman shook her head with her mouth closed and made a "cry" sound. ...........

(Shit! I don't know what is in her mouth. I only know that she didn't sleep well last night! Hehe)

25. The elephant saw the camel and said, "Why does MIMI grow on your back?"

The camel said: *! I don't fucking talk to things on J8' s face.

The snake smiled: J8' s long face is better than MIMI's long back.

The elephant retorted: You are 8 years old and still have J8 on your face?

When the earthworm saw it, he said at the same time, Why does this guy grow J8 and have no face?

26. In an ancient mountain village, an ancient village was discovered. Because they have been isolated from the outside world for generations, just like people in Taoyuan, the outside world has a strong interest in them. So a beautiful female reporter went to this backward mountain village to interview the locals.

The object of her interview is an old man in his fifties. The female reporter was surprised when she learned that they had lived in isolation for generations, and then she recovered.

Strange, so she intends to describe the joys and sorrows of their isolated life.

"Excuse me, what's your happiest thing these years?" The curious female reporter asked.

"One winter, the third sheep next door was lost." The old man said.

"What is there to be happy about losing a sheep?" Female reporters are more curious.

After the sheep was lost, dozens of us went up the mountain with torches, searched for three days and nights, and finally found it in a corner of the back mountain.

The old man smoked a cigarette, narrowed his eyes and said with endless aftertaste.

"What happened after I found it?" The female reporter asked curiously.

"It was very late when I found it, and there was a tent in front of our house to rest in the snow. It is windy outside. We are bored. So everyone took turns to fuck the sheep. Cool! "

The female reporter obviously felt a little embarrassed, and she wanted to avoid this topic. So she interrupted the old man and asked if there were any other happy things.

"One winter, the new daughter-in-law of the old horse family in front lost her way in the mountains." The old man said.

"Did you find it?" The female reporter asked.

"We found dozens of people for three days and three nights, and finally found it in the back corner. So we pressed the tent to rest. It's windy at night in winter. We are all bored. So we take turns to fuck Ma Lao's new wife, not to mention how cool it is. " The old man said, knocking on his pipe.

The female reporter felt even more embarrassed. She decided to steer clear of this topic. So she asked, is there anything to be sad about these decades of isolated life?

The old man's face suddenly changed, his hands began to tremble, and he could hardly catch his cigarette. Two turbid tears rolled out of deep-set eyes. His lips trembled several times, and his body seemed to be shaking. After a long silence, he said:

. . . .

I lost it one winter. . . . . . .

27. Both husband and wife have lovers outside. They often go out alone for excitement and seldom spend the night together. As a result, one day both of them were at home, and both of them felt a little guilty about each other, so they were particularly warm. I don't want them to sleep until the early hours of the morning. My wife suddenly rolled over and sat up, shouting, Oh, no, my husband is back!

My husband got up at once, quickly picked up all the clothes and jumped out of the window. ...

28. Please don't bother me. I am a lout, and the meat is sour and not delicious. "Zhang Laohan leaned against the corner and there was no way out. Two ghosts had to force him step by step.

"Is it sour?" The male ghost grabbed Zhang Laohan's hand and bit off a piece of meat. Zhang Laohan screamed. The ghost chewed and chewed, and "pounced" on Zhang Laohan's meat. "Mama of, really sour, so bad, dead old man, you are lucky, get out!" Zhang Laohan was pardoned. He knocked dozens of heads on the ground. It's better to lose a piece of meat than to die. He was about to leave.

Another female ghost screamed "Stop!"

Male ghost is a bit strange "keep this old thing? Sour and sour, not delicious! "

The female ghost leaned over the male ghost's ear and said, "I want to eat sour ..."

The male ghost is even stranger. "Why?"

The female ghost poked the male ghost's head with her finger and said shyly, you bad guy, family, family are pregnant! "

(I depend! Can a ghost get pregnant? Give birth to a son must be called a ghost (turtle)! Hehe)

29. There is a place in Shaanxi that is not only poor, but also has a large population. The county sent an investigation team to investigate why the population grew so fast. A local villager replied: We are remote here. The leader asked: What does this have to do with the large number of people? Answer: There is no electricity. The leader is strange: this is not directly related! Villagers' solution: What are you doing without electricity?

30. My wife just came out of the shower and my husband was about to start taking a shower when the doorbell rang. After arguing for a few seconds about who should answer the door, my wife wrapped a towel and hurried downstairs to answer the door. She opened the door and saw his neighbor Bob. Before she could speak, Bob said, "If you take the towel off, I'll give you 800 dollars! The wife thought about it, took off her towel and stood naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob gave the money and left. The wife was confused and excited, and went upstairs wrapped in a towel. When she returned to the bathroom, her husband asked her, "Who was that just now? 」

"Bob next door!" She answered. "Good," my husband said. "Did he give me back the $800 he owed me? 」

This is a great event. I'll use it next time I pay back the money! No need for nothing)

3 1. Once upon a time, there was a monk who thought about Shakespeare all the time when he died. There was no such person at that time. Later, a scholar has been studying and finally knows: originally,

The monk has never touched a woman. He is reading: What is B?

32. The two complained that the subway was too crowded. A said, "Some time ago, my wife was squeezed and aborted while taking the subway." . B said, "That's nothing. My wife was squeezed pregnant a few days ago! " "

(It must be the brother posted below! ! ! ! I'm going to report to the spot owner and apply for enrichment)

33. I took a bus all day, and there was a family of three sitting in front of me.

Little boy: I want to sleep with my mother tonight!

Mom: If you marry your daughter-in-law, you will sleep with your mother!

Little boy: Hmm.

Mom: What about your wife?

The little boy thought for a long time: easy, let her sleep with her father!

Mom:! ? #￥%……

Dad didn't speak, his eyes were full of tears!

34. There is a town called Gao Chao Town. An old man got on the bus to visit relatives in Gaochao Town. After getting on the bus, he kept asking the female conductor: Comrade, is the climax here? Answer: No!

After a while, the uncle asked again: hey, I said, this lesbian, did you have an orgasm? Answer: Not yet!

A few minutes later, my uncle shouted, Comrade, why haven't I reached the climax after sitting for so long? The conductor was impatient and said to the uncle, what are you yelling at? I don't scream at orgasm, really. ...

35. A young man went for a ride with his girlfriend in a convertible. Because the speed is too fast, my girlfriend's thin clothes are gone with the wind ~ ~ It's really a great pity, and the extremes meet. Because the speed was too fast, the car turned into a ditch and the young man was stuck in the car. His girlfriend had no choice but to ask for help, but he was naked and had no choice but to take off his boyfriend's shoes and block his lower body for help. He finally found a gas station. The man at the gas station looked at the woman's face and the leather shoes blocking her lower body and said, Shit! He's in too deep. How can we get him out?

36. The cannibal father and son hunted, and the son caught a thin man. His father said, let go, there is no meat! His son also caught a fat man, and his father said, let go, it's too tired! His son was arrested again.

Beauty, her father said, take it home and eat your mother at night!

Men all over the world have a common problem. If you don't admit it, you will stick to me.

37. Reasons for 37.jj Jr' s resignation:

1, heavy manual labor

2. Working in the deepest part of the tunnel

You must stick your head in.

4. No holidays

5. The working environment is damp and dark.

6, wearing a plastic mask breathing difficulties

7. Dry until you throw up.

One day, the teacher wanted to see if there was any problem with a student's IQ in class, so he asked him, "There are ten birds in the tree. Shoot one, how many are left? "

He asked, "Is it silent pistol or some other silent gun?"

"No."

"How big is the gunshot?"

"80- 100 decibel."

"That is to say, the trembling ear hurts?"

"yes."

"Is it illegal to shoot birds in this city?"

"No offense."

"Are you sure that bird was really killed?"

"ok." The teacher is impatient. "Please, just tell me how many are left, okay?"

"OK, are there any deaf birds in the tree?"

"No."

"What's wrong with being in a cage?"

"No."

"Are there any other trees nearby? Are there any other birds in the tree? "

"No."

"Are there any disabled or hungry flightless birds?"

"No."

"Is it a bird in a pregnant belly?"

"Not really."

"Birds have flowers in their eyes? Guaranteed ten? "

"No flowers, just ten."

The teacher was sweating profusely, and the bell rang, but he continued to ask, "Is there anyone who is stupid and not afraid of death?"

"Everyone is afraid of death."

"Will you kill two with one shot?"

"No."

"Are all birds free to move?"

"Absolutely."

"If your answer is not a lie," the student said confidently, "if the killed bird hangs on the tree and doesn't fall off, then there is only one left. If it falls, there will be none left. " The teacher fainted immediately!

(China's spicy B! Watch out! Cute and tight)

39. A hunter was hunting and saw two birds in the tree. He shot down one with a gun and found it hairless. The hunter was wondering when another bird flew down and cursed the hunter: "Damn you! I just stripped her naked and you knocked her down! "

40. One day, the monkey and the rabbit were chatting. The monkey said, elephant fart, guess the name of a song. The rabbit said he didn't know, and the monkey said: This is Zheng Zhongji's "I miss it, I miss it". At this time, a turtle kept talking in the grass next to it; Shit, I thought it was the "pawn" of the power train!

4 1. A beautiful woman urinated urgently, urinated on the grass by the roadside, and then ran out of paper, so she wiped her genitals with leaves. The leaves are prickly and her genitals are very painful. The beauty said to the genitals, "I can't stand eating meat all day and eating green vegetables today!" " .

It's a pity that that place really eats meat and drinks soup! Friendly reminder: MM must not be misplaced.

Other non-meat hard objects are allowed in, otherwise Maya's brothers will have a good show again! ! ! Hehe)

42. My father told the little nun that his penis was the key to heaven and asked the little nun to keep it for him all night. The little nun was very happy and went back to tell the old nun that she had touched the key to heaven. When the old nun heard the little nun's description of father JJ, she was furious and said, "Damn TM, he told me that it was the horn of heaven and asked me to play it for him for 40 years!"

(Can you persist for forty years? Shit! It's really worth learning from our generation. I just need to be blindfolded for one night! In shame. . . )

42. Dr. World Bioengineering wants to do an experiment to compare the reproductive abilities of whites, blacks and Japanese. Three female orangutans were put in three rooms, and three were kept in the room. After a month, the white man came out, holding a little orangutan in his hand and proudly saying, look, the white man has strong reproductive ability! Two months later, the black man came out, holding a little orangutan in one hand: black people breed fast! After February, the third room remained silent, and blacks and whites began to laugh at the Japanese. After another three months, nothing happened and the doctor was a little impatient. Suddenly, the Japanese broke into the house, hugged a little orangutan and shouted angrily: Who the fuck released a male orangutan and took me so long to get it out?