Jianhu emergency, who has funny jokes? Urgent need

1. Short funny jokes 1. There was a man who looked like an onion and cried as he walked. 2. Two people fell into a trap. The dead are called dead people, and what are the living people called? Answer: Call for help! 3 What are cloth and paper afraid of? Cloth is afraid of 10,000, and paper is afraid of 10,000. 4 There was a fat man who jumped from a tall building and became a dead fat man. 5 Teacher: How to reduce white pollution? Classmate: Make the lunch box blue. 6 One day, a buck ran faster and faster, and it turned into a high-speed buck. 7 Miss: Business is hard to do now! Boss: Why? Miss: Bird flu. 8 Tiger Which is the worst: leather, elephant skin or lion skin? Answer: Elephant skin. Because of eraser (poor) 9 Question: What is that thing with 3 heads and one foot? Answer: A monster with 3 heads and one foot! 10 Once upon a time a Marshmallow was very tired. He said: I feel like my whole body has softened. 11 One day, the little yellow duck was hit by a car while crossing the road. He shouted: "Quack!" From then on, it turned into a small cucumber. 12 Xiao Ming: Ah Kang, a shark eats mung beans, what does it become? Kang: I don’t know. Xiao Ming: Stupid. Mung Bean Paste (Mung Bean Shark) 13 The elephant asked the camel: Why does your breast grow on the back? Camel: Stay away from death. I don’t talk to the thing with a penis on my face! 14. How to make the drink bigger? Recite the Great Compassion Mantra. 2. Short funny jokes 1 Two dung beetles discussed the welfare lottery. A said: If I want to win the jackpot, I will I bought all the toilets within a radius of 50 miles and had enough to eat every day! B said: You are so vulgar! If I win the jackpot, I will keep a living person and eat fresh food every day! 2 One day, my mother-in-law was riding in the car. She was halfway there The mother-in-law didn’t know the road anymore. The mother-in-law spanked the driver with a stick and said: Where is this? Driver: This is my butt. 3 Once upon a time, a man was fishing and caught a squid. The squid begged him: Please let me go, don’t let me go. Bake it and eat it. The man said: Okay, then let me ask you a few questions. The squid was very happy and said: You take the test, you take the test! Then the man grilled the squid. 4 A: That man is here What? B: He is shivering. A: Why is he shivering? B: He is cold. A: Oh, it turns out that shivering means cold pulling. 5 A sausage was locked in the refrigerator. It felt very cold, and then I looked at it He looked at the other one next to him and said: Look, you are frozen like this, your whole body is covered with ice! The other one said: Sorry, I am a popsicle. 6 There were two sausages in the refrigerator. After a long time, one of the sausages shook. , Wow! It’s so cold! The other sausage said in surprise, Huh? How can you talk if you are a sausage? 7 Xiao Ming had his hair cut. When he went to school the next day, his classmates saw his new hairstyle and said with a smile: Xiao Ming , your head is like a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged, so he ran outside and cried. As he cried, he flew up. 8 One day, Xiao Mei and her boyfriend went for a drive. The car was almost out of gas. Go come on. Suddenly a gust of wind blew her boyfriend's hat away. Xiaomei's boyfriend said to her: I'll pick up the hat, you help me come on. As soon as her boyfriend ran away not far, he heard Xiaomei shouting behind him: Come on ! Come on! 9 One day a girl went to have her fortune told. The fortune teller saw that she had a tattoo and said, "Your boyfriend is called Xiaoliang, right?" The girl said with angry eyes: This is hate. 10 An orangutan passed by. In the woods, I accidentally picked up the excrement of a gibbon. The kind-hearted orangutan cleaned up the excrement of the ape. Soon they fell in love. Others asked how you got together? The orangutan replied: It was ape dung (fate)! 11 MM got lost looking for the university I met a gentle professor. MM: Excuse me, how can I get to xx University? Professor: Only by studying hard can I do it. 12 The polar bear and the penguin played together. The penguin plucked out all the fur on his body. After plucking out Finally, he said to the polar bear: It's so cold! After hearing this, the polar bear also pulled out all the hair on his body. He turned to the penguin and said: It's really cold! 13 When ants go to the desert, why do they leave no footprints but only one? Line? Answer: Because it rides a bicycle! The ant came home from the desert. He didn’t notify anyone, but his family knew that he was back. Why? Answer: I saw his bicycle parked downstairs. 14 Music

In class, the teacher played a piece by Beethoven. Xiao Ming asked Xiao Hua: Do you understand music? Xiao Hua: Yes. Xiao Ming: Do you know what the teacher is playing? Xiao Hua: Piano. 15 A pair of corns fell in love. So They decided to get married. On the wedding day, the corn could not find his wife. The corn asked the popcorn next to him: Have you seen our corn? Popcorn: Honey, she is wearing a wedding dress. 16 Little Penguin One day he asked his grandma: Grandma, grandma, am I a penguin? "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asked his father again: Dad, daddy, am I a penguin? "Yes, you are." Penguin, what's wrong?" "But, but why do I feel so cold?" 17 The director and the section chief *** took the elevator. The director farted and said to the section chief: You farted! The section chief said: It's not me. Let it go. Soon the section chief was dismissed. The chief's reason was: You can't take on such big things, so what's the use of you? 18 A woman encountered a robber and trembled and said: I'm from X school. I just graduated and I don't have a job. After hearing this, the robber cried bitterly and said, "Sister, I am also from X school. Please take your student ID card. The one who robbed you in front of me is from X school. Don't worry, I will never rob one of your own!" 19 The host asked: Can cats climb trees? Eagle answered: Yes. Host: Give an example. The eagle was in tears: That year, I fell asleep and the cat climbed the tree. Later, there were owls. 20 There was a man who had gastrointestinal problems. Well, he came to the hospital to see a doctor. He said to the doctor: I poop whatever I eat. I eat watermelon and pull watermelon, and eat cucumber and pull cucumber! The doctor thought for a while and said to him: I think you can only eat shit! 21 African Cannibals What does the chief eat? The chief is sick, and the doctor told him to be vegetarian. So what does he eat? A vegetative state. 3. Longer jokes (but very funny) 1. A blind beggar is begging on the street wearing sunglasses. A drunk man The man came over and thought he was pitiful, so he threw a hundred yuan to him. After walking for a while, the drunk man turned around and saw the blind man trying to distinguish the authenticity of the hundred-yuan note. The drunk man came over and took the money back and said: You fucking man I don't want to live anymore, how dare you lie to me! The blind beggar looked aggrieved and said: Brother, I'm here to look at it for my friend. He is blind and went to the toilet. In fact, I am mute. "Oh, that's it." So the drunkard threw Put down the money and staggered away. 2 One day, the teacher took a group of children to the mountain to pick fruits. She announced: Children, after picking the fruits, we washed them together and ate them together after washing. All the children ran to pick the fruits. When the gathering time came, all the children gathered. Teacher: Xiaohua, what did you pick? Xiaohua: I am washing apples, because I picked apples. Teacher: Where are you, Xiaomei? Xiaomei: I am washing them. Tomatoes. Because I picked tomatoes. Teacher: The children are all great! What about you, A Ming? A Ming: I was washing my cloth shoes because I stepped on poop. 3 The investigation team went to Antarctica to visit 100 penguins, and saw penguins 1 I asked, "Penguin, what do you usually do? Penguin 1: Eat, sleep, and play beans." Seeing Penguin 2, he asked again: Penguin, what do you usually do? Penguin 2: Eat, sleep, and play beans. Dou........ saw Penguin 99 and asked: Penguin, what do you usually do? Penguin 99: Eat, sleep, play Doudou. When the 100th one came, the inspector said: You usually do the same. Do you play Doudou when you eat and sleep? Penguin 100 said: No, the inspector said: Why don't you play Doudou when you eat and sleep? Penguin 100 said: Because, because, because I am Doudou, 4 Someone has just been abandoned by his girlfriend. By chance I caught my ex-girlfriend flirting with my new girlfriend, and the more I watched, the angrier I became. I wanted to humiliate them. So I greeted them politely, and said to my girlfriend Xinhuan contemptuously: Hey, you don’t mind my used goods? Just when he was doing it for himself. When he was proud of his creativity, his ex-girlfriend laughed and said: Every inch on the outside is old, but everything on the inside is brand new! 5 There is a penguin whose home is very far away from the polar bear’s home. If you had to walk, it would take 20 years to get there. Yes One day, the penguin was bored at home and was going to go find the polar bear. Then he went out. But half way down the road, he realized that he had forgotten to lock the door. It had been 10 years since he left, but the door still needed to be locked. Lock it

. So the penguin walked home and locked the door. After locking the door, the penguin set out again to find the polar bear. It took him 40 years to get to the polar bear's house. Then the penguin knocked on the door and said: Polar bear, polar bear, the penguin is here to play with you! The result After the polar bear opened the door, he said to him: Let's go to your house to play. 6 Conversation between two college students A: You are from Xinjiang B: YES A: Wow. It's so far away. A: Has Xinjiang been liberated? B: No, we are in class A: It turns out you can speak Chinese! B: Well, I just learned it on the train when I came here. A: Do you still eat raw meat? B: Our boss invented flint wood to make fire, and we eat barbecue . A: Next time I travel to Lhasa, I will stay at your house. B: No problem, but my home is a little far from Lhasa. A: How do you come to school? B: Riding a donkey to Beijing and then taking a plane. A: Then It must take a long time to arrive, right? B: I’m used to it, just leave half a year in advance! A: Why not ride a horse? B: In Xinjiang, those who ride horses are the poor people. Like the ones we passed the exam, they all rode camels and donkeys. .And there is no college entrance examination in Xinjiang. The exams are all archery competitions. Put up a sign one kilometer away and write "Tsinghua" next to "Beida". Then a person has three opportunities. The first time I shot Tsinghua, the second time I shot Peking University. It failed. Finally, just to be safe, I shot the nearest sign, which was this school. A: Do you use RMB? B: No, I had never heard of this before I was admitted to college. A: Then you don’t buy it. Something? B: We took a fancy to other people and went there with sheep on their backs, using the sheep as money! A: It’s almost the Chinese New Year, is it allowed to set off firecrackers in Xinjiang? B: Who still sets off firecrackers? We all threw grenades and buried landmines for fun! The movement was very festive. 7 The little white rabbit jumped to the bakery and asked: Boss, are there a hundred buns? Boss: I'm sorry, there are not so many. "That's it." The little white rabbit left dejectedly. Second One day, the little white rabbit jumped to the bakery, "Boss, are there a hundred buns?" Boss: I'm sorry, there are still no "That's it." The little white rabbit left dejectedly. On the third day, little white rabbit The rabbit jumped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have a hundred buns?" The boss said happily: Yes, yes, there are a hundred buns today! The little white rabbit took out the money: Great, I’ll buy two! 8 The hunter went hunting with his hunting dogs on horseback. He wandered in the woods for a whole day without finding any prey. When it got dark, he was unwilling to keep riding in the woods. The horse suddenly said: You don’t even let me rest. Do you want to exhaust me to death? The hunter was startled when he heard this. He immediately rolled off his horse, took the hunting dog and ran away. When he ran to a big tree to catch his breath, the dog patted his chest and said to him: I was scared to death. , the horse can actually talk! The hunter was scared to death on the spot. Shameless plagiarism. The original poster is not enough. I still have some. You can add Q and I will pass it on to you.