2 jokes, be funny.

1. An aunt went to buy tomatoes and picked three. The stall owner weighed it, one and a half kilos, three dollars and seventy cents. Aunt said, "just make a soup, you don't need so much." After that, I took off the biggest tomato. The peddler quickly took another look at the scale. "221 jins, three pieces. Just when I couldn't see the past and wanted to remind my aunt to pay attention to the scale of the stall owner, she calmly took out 70 cents, picked up the big tomato that had just been taken away and turned away.

2. A male teacher said angrily to a girl who was sleeping in class: I'm so tired up there, don't move down there! If you don't cooperate, you won't even respond If you have nothing in your stomach in the future, don't blame the teacher! As a result, the whole class fainted

One day, I met a foreign guest, and he said, "I'm Hong", and the foreign guest said, "I'm Fang Qi!" !

Zaizai was repaired by his father. He ran to his mother to complain: "Mom, what would you do if someone hit your son?" Mom: "I want to avenge his son!" " "Aberdeen:" ... "

An old lady can't read, but she likes listening to the radio. The weather forecast must be listened to every day. One day at dinner, I asked my family, "I have a question." Do you know where it is? It rains almost every day there. "

6. A little mouse on the cliff waved its short front paws and jumped down again and again, trying to learn to fly. The mother bat next to her looked at it and said anxiously, Dad, don't tell it, it's not ours!

7. My friends and I went to the top of Mount Tai to watch the sunrise. A friend pointed to the sky and said, "I see it!" " "I saw it too!" At this time, someone in the distance came out with trousers and scolded: "See it when you see it!" " What are you yelling about? "

8. Ghost: God, I want to be as white as an angel and have wings when I am reborn next time, but I still want to suck blood.

God: Then reincarnate as a nurse.

9. A friend sold popsicles in the park for the first time through work-study program, so he was embarrassed to shout. Then suddenly someone shouted "sell popsicles ~ ~ ~ sell popsicles ~ ~". Hearing this, my friend shouted happily, "Me too ~ ~ Me too ~ ~".

10. Soon after the ant and the elephant got married, the elephant died. While burying the elephant, the ant wept bitterly: "Dear, why did you leave so early?" I will bury you if I don't do anything else in my life! " "

1 1. If a boy secretly loves a girl, he has the courage to ask the girl what kind of boy she likes.

"Like-minded" girls answered, and even asked several times, it was the same answer.

The boy was very discouraged and said, "Can you have a flat head?" .

12, one day, I caught the last bus out of breath and shouted: master! Master, wait for me ~

Suddenly a passenger poked his head out of the window and said to me slowly, Wukong, stop chasing.

13, one day I had a physical examination, and one of the questions was to guess the name of a bird by looking at my legs. A student really couldn't understand it, so he tore up the paper in a rage and was ready to leave the examination room. The invigilator was very angry and asked him, "What class are you in? What's your name? " A student lifted his trousers and said, "Guess, guess."

14. After the beautiful Mongolian actress finished her performance, the leader took the stage to receive her. Then he took her hand and asked her if she was cold and warm. She refused to let go for a long time and asked kindly, what's your name? The actress replied excitedly, "Maragobi Matsumoto".

15 A man bought a parrot that can only speak two words. One day, when the master was not at home, a ventilator knocked at the door.

Parrot: Who is it?

A: Gas converter.

Parrot: Who is it?

A: Gas converter.

……

There is a man lying in front of his master's house. The master wondered, who is this?

Inside the door: gas converter

16, a person saw a pile of things on the road, squatted down to smell it, said it might be poop, touched it with his hand, licked it in his mouth, and said it was real poop, but fortunately he didn't step on it! ~

17, the doctor asked the patient how the fracture happened. A: I felt sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes with a telephone pole, and I shook them ... A man thought I was electrocuted, so he grabbed a wooden stick and gave me two.

18, a professor was teaching in a foreign country: "Don't be afraid of being dirty in scientific research. . . "Then he squatted down, poked the cow dung on the ground with his finger, and then put his finger in his mouth and licked it clean. A classmate quickly said, "I'm not afraid of being dirty." . . "Then I poked the cow dung on the ground with my finger and licked it in my mouth. Professor: "Besides, I should be good at observation. I just poked dung with my middle finger, but I licked my index finger. . . "

19. In a public toilet, Mr. A was constipated and couldn't pull it out for a long time. Then another man, Mr. B, rushed in, just squatted down and pulled happily. After listening, Mr. A said, "Dude, I really envy you. You are so happy." Mr. B said, "What is there to envy? I haven't taken off my pants yet ... "

20. A gentleman was practicing riding a bike when a pedestrian came up to him. A gentleman panicked and shouted, "Stop! Stop! " The pedestrians stopped in a daze. But a gentleman rode so badly that he knocked down a pedestrian. Pedestrians got up and got angry: "You told me to stop! You have a good aim, don't you! "

2 1, beautiful sister, 2 years old. One day, I called her mother and the little guy answered the phone. Out of courtesy, I also want to say hello to her. "Honey, where's mom?" "Go to Huaguoshan!" "..." "Honey, what are you doing?" "Aunt, you are so funny. I'm not calling you! "

My colleague's son, 4 years old. A classic saying: "When I was young ..."

22. There was a car accident on the expressway-a tortoise trampled a cow to death. The police are investigating the cause of the accident and say, snail: How did the tortoise hit you? The lying cow in plaster recalled sadly: I don't remember, he was too fast!

23. A polar bear stayed in a daze on the ice and began to pluck his own hair when he was really bored. A ..........................................

24. My colleague's daughter is a little beauty embryo. When she comes back from kindergarten, her mother often asks her, "Beauty, did anyone call you that today?" The little girl sighed: "I guess they see me too much, so they think I'm not beautiful."

25. A couple gave birth to a little boy after contraceptive failure. When the baby was born, he clenched his fist and kept laughing. The nurse broke his fist and found birth control pills in it. Then the little boy said, "You two want to kill me, it's not that easy, hahahaha ..."

26. Two people go to the mountain to play. A man accidentally slipped and fell off a cliff. His companion shouted anxiously, "how are you, brother?" Is there anything wrong? " I only heard the person who fell answer "I don't know, I'm still falling ~ ~ ~".

27, I also topped, riding a bicycle alone, with my hands on my chest, a traffic policeman saw it and said, Good palms! The man replied, hello, comrades!

28. The monkey asked the fox how to describe the elephant's fart with a song. The fox said: Ku Kuiji's Ant said: "Fuck, I thought it was a power train." : when > yes. "

29. The two brothers were chased by the tiger, and the younger brother really couldn't run, so he said, "Don't run, brother, let's kill this beast." The eldest brother said, "Don't talk nonsense, I can't run, just run past you."

30. Noodles were beaten by steamed bread. I asked my cousin for instant noodles for revenge. When I saw the bean bag, the instant noodles were beaten to pieces. When I came back, I said to the noodles, Don't worry, I've finished.

3 1, a fashionable woman was walking on the bus. When she saw it was empty, she took out a paper towel and wiped it for a while. She was just about to sit down and fart. A man next to her smiled and said, "I'm Kao Hua. I'm so fucking clean. I have to blow it after I wipe it."

Penguins are bored, so they want to go to the North Pole to play with polar bears.

Walking, walking for many years, almost there, suddenly remembered that the gas at home was not turned off properly.

So I went back, walked for many years, turned off the gas, set off again, and walked for many years.

Very not easy to come to the door of the polar bear, knocking at the door:

-Polar bear! Come out and play!

Polar bear:

-Stop playing.

33. In junior high school, a math teacher talked about equation transformation. On the platform, he rolled up his sleeves and shouted: Attention, students! I'm going to change! ……

One night, a naked man called a taxi and the female driver stared at him. The naked man was furious and shouted: You have never seen a naked man! The female driver was also furious: I see where the fuck you lost!

35. Boyfriend and girlfriend sleep in the same room, and the woman draws a clear line: animals cross the line. Woke up and found that the man really didn't cross the line, and the woman slapped the man hard: you are not even as good as an animal!