Tell a few funny jokes

1. I went to deposit money at noon While waiting in line, a beautiful woman asked me at the back: "Save money?" "Yes!" "I just want to withdraw money. Anyway, if you want to save it, you might as well give it to me without waiting in line. " I thought it made sense, so I gave her the money. 2. Get on the bus in the afternoon, take out the bus card and bump into the slot. One day, I found that my mobile phone was missing. I searched my bag and every corner of the house, but it didn't work. I sat on the ground in frustration, took out my mobile phone from my pocket and sent a short message to everyone: I lost my mobile phone. My neighbor forgot his key, turned it over from my balcony, found the key in the house, turned it back, and then opened his door. What's even more amazing is that I met on the balcony from beginning to end and didn't feel anything wrong. Well, our heads must have passed through the same door. 5. I remember the first time I confessed to a girl, I was so nervous that I said, "Well, that, XX, I'll be your girlfriend." 6. A young colleague asked for a bottle of Sprite at work the other day and poured it for everyone. When it was his turn, the bottle was empty. So my colleague shook the Sprite bottle and said to the waiter, "Is this still available?" The waiter ran over, took the bottle and examined it carefully. He said sincerely, "No more." 7. Have dinner with two enthusiastic female colleagues in the company (plump type), who have arranged for me to be introduced. I want to say: you two matchmakers are really enthusiastic. As a result, you two fat women ... 8. You play Warcraft. The counselor rounds the room, furious, grabs the mouse, drags the desktop shortcut of Warcraft into the recycle bin, empties it, and says, let you play again! 9. Today, my dad called my mom's cell phone, and my mom was busy, so I answered it. Me: Hello Dad: Hello, where's your dad? Me: Huh? Dad: What is your father doing? Me: Hmm. . . Dad: Oh, please ask him to call me back when he is finished. 10. Once everyone was playing mahjong, and the power went out, so they lit candles and continued to play. Later, someone was too hot and shouted "Hey ~ turn on the electric fan". Everyone quickly advised, "No, no, the candle will be blown out. 1 1. I like this pair of gloves. The boss wanted 35 yuan, and I said I'd take 30 yuan. The boss insisted on 35 yuan and refused to give in after several rounds of talks. I thought about it and gave one to 50 yuan. He quickly gave me 35 yuan. . . . 12. A topic requires the following four sentences to be connected with related words: 1, Zhang Haidi's sister is paralyzed; 2. Sister Zhang Haidi studied tenaciously; 3. Sister Zhang Haidi learned a lot of foreign languages; 4. Sister Zhang Haidi studied acupuncture. The correct answer should be: "Sister Zhang Haidi, although paralyzed, studied hard and learned not only many foreign languages, but also acupuncture. As a result, one child wrote: Sister Zhang Haidi was paralyzed despite her tenacious study of acupuncture and many foreign languages. I found a more fierce child writing: Sister Zhang Haidi not only learned a foreign language, but also learned acupuncture. She studied so doggedly that she was finally paralyzed! 13. When cooking at noon, my mother gave me a pot of carrots: "Go, cut the carrots into diced meat!" "14. My name is Zhu, and I manage the computer room of the unit. Someone once called my mobile phone: "Director Chicken, are you in the pigsty?" "At that time, he scolded that guy 15. A leader led everyone to drink, raised his glass and shouted, "Let's die together! "Everyone (...) 16. I remember once buying a fruit called Elizabeth. I opened my mouth and said, boss, how much is Shakespeare? The boss stayed at 17 on the spot. A rice noodle shop: Boss, two onions instead of rice noodles. Boss (tears streaming down her face): Do you want rice noodles or onions? 18. Once I went to the market to buy food for a dinner party, a Korean friend bought lettuce, 2.4 yuan. He gave all his change to the peddler, and he was still short of a dime, so he said to the peddler, "I gave you all my hair, so I have no hair." The peddler was silent for a long time and replied, "I don't want your hair." "19. Once I was chatting in the canteen, I suddenly found myself dropping a grain of rice outside and secretly felt sorry for the farmer's uncle's waste of food, so I picked it up and ate it. But then I found out that this meal didn't seem to be mine ... 20. Xiao Qiang gave a speech at the rally, and the people below were all listening attentively. Xiao Qiang said, "I hate two kinds of people the most! One is racist, one is black and the third is illiterate! " The people below were sweating like a pig. . . 2 1. After swimming yesterday, I opened the trunk directly, threw the key in, and then closed the trunk ... 22. I went to my good friend's house to chat, and when her father came back, she opened her mouth and called "Auntie". Embarrassed, her mother appeared again, opened her mouth and called her "uncle" ... and then she doubted her IQ infinitely. 23. Once I went to buy Regan Noodles, there was a couple in front of me. I was thinking, "coriander, why do men want coriander and women don't want coriander ..." My boss asked me what to eat. I answered loudly without hesitation: "Coriander! ! ! "24. I went to school early in high school. My mother always completes my schoolbag and takes it to school early, usually steamed buns. My mother cooks porridge when there is no class on Sunday, and I don't know what's wrong. I picked up the porridge and threw it into my schoolbag ... 25. One day, when it came to buying roast duck, her old man said without thinking, "As soon as I get off work, there will be many people buying roast duck. "I picked up the phone, excited: I'm Zhou Chunmei. . . Zhou Chunmei: You are Zhou Chunmei, so who am I? . . 27. Once I had breakfast at school, a classmate swiped my card in front of me, but the machine didn't respond. I said gloomily that the machine was broken. I said, let me try. The machine really didn't respond after swiping the card! He changed another one, still the same, very angry! I just wanted to put the card in my bag and found a bank card in my hand. I laugh wildly! He pointed at me and laughed even harder, so I took my ID card! 28. When I was in college, I started school one year. The people in the fifth dormitory called the dormitory of the railway station to see if there was anyone, so I asked the people in the fourth dormitory to pick it up. " Hello, fourth, my fifth, is there anyone in the dormitory? "Old four dozed off in a daze:" Ah, old five, you have the wrong number. This is the school next door to you. "Oh, sorry, wrong number." After a while, the fifth man looked at the number dialed by his mobile phone and thought it was right. He retaliated: "You old four, fool me, there is no one in the dormitory." Then I went to the company with another Shi Shiran. I was hungry at noon and wanted to eat snacks. I opened the cupboard and found a bag of garbage inside. 30. I took the subway into the gate, brushed my mobile phone on the gate, and kept telling the people waiting for me why I couldn't brush it out. The machine is broken. . . Sweating. . . 3 1.20 years ago, my mother sent my one-year-old sister to kindergarten on a 28-inch Phoenix men's bike. When she arrived at the kindergarten, she made a mantis gesture, shook her legs and felt something. She wouldn't push the car forward. After a few steps, someone shouted "Comrade, this comrade ..." My mother turned her head and saw my one-year-old sister lying on the ground in a sitting position. After that, my sister refused to take my mother's bike for more than 20 years. She hated it for more than 20 years ... 32. She likes to eat all melon seeds. The magic height is one foot and the height is ten feet. After eating all the pills, I poured the melon seeds on the plate into the trash can and looked at another plate of melon seeds in a daze. 33. The monitor stood by and shook his mouse, or stood by. I shook it hard for a long time and found that I was shaking my mobile phone ... 34. I went shopping by bike and entered the store without locking the car. Come out after shopping, lock the car and get ready to go by bike. . . 35. When I was a child, I liked to bite the nib. One day, I felt something was wrong, especially salty, and then I found that I took a sip of ink. 36. Once I peeled apples, a long batch didn't break. I am very proud. I threw the apple into the trash can and sent it to my mouth with the skin! 37. When I scrambled eggs and tomatoes, I smashed the cooked eggs at the edge of the bowl for a long time and told my wife that the eggs were bad. 38. Last time I had a cold injection, the nurse almost took off my pants. I fainted once in the company. I wanted to go to the toilet, but I unconsciously walked to the machine of pure water and looked at half a bucket of water. I didn't even react. I zipped up my crotch with a "Z" ... Suddenly I reacted violently, I zipped up with a "Z" and nothing happened. Fortunately, there is no one around. On second thought, I guess I was too busy at work. . . 40. At the picnic, I lit the last cigarette in my cigarette case, threw zippo directly into the fire, put the cigarette case back in my bag, and still had a barbecue. Then a bunch of sparks exploded, burning two people's clothes and destroying two bowls of jiaozi 4 1. I lit a cigarette with my mobile phone as a lighter and pressed it with my mobile phone as a TV remote control. 42. While cooking, the phone rang. After answering the phone, I put it directly in the dish basin. As a result, it went into the pot with the food. Then I looked at the mobile phone in the pot for a long time before I took it out quickly. Fortunately, lettuce was fried at that time ... if Mapo tofu ... it would be over ... 43. When I was in college, I went home with my roommate and changed clothes together after entering the door. Suddenly I saw a Xiao Qiang. She went to pia and took it away. . . When I got to the elevator, I "woke up" and found myself wearing only underwear. She ... . . . . Only wearing pants. . . . Fortunately, there is no one in the corridor. . . . 44. I washed my hands in the bathroom before eating. Seeing the mirror, my brain suddenly shorted out. I skillfully picked up the cup toothbrush, squeezed the facial cleanser on the toothbrush, and hummed a little song to brush my teeth. I wonder why the toothpaste tastes wrong today. 45. On the first day of work, someone called the manager (female) and gave him the phone by the way. Mom, someone asked for you and answered the phone. 46. Once in a computer class, I sent a message to my boyfriend and bravely shouted to the teacher, "Husband! My computer is not networked! " The noisy classroom immediately quieted down. Five seconds later, everyone burst into laughter. The teacher is a little old man in his fifties. 47. My sister has a mobile phone and a PHS. One day, she changed a new mobile phone card. A colleague asked her what her new number was. She said she forgot, so she dialed her PHS with her changed mobile phone. While dialing, I continued to chat with my colleagues. After PHS rang, she answered and asked, "Hello? ..... hello? ..... You talk, don't talk, I hang up! " All the colleagues present were stunned. Then she hung up and said, "psycho, don't talk on the phone." 48. One day, a classmate went to visit Zhongguancun, and a stall owner leaned in and asked, "Do you want a hard disk? Cheap "students took it and said," How hard is it? " 49. I remember when I was in the fifth grade of primary school, the class teacher asked a group of junior one students: Where are you from? The classmate said, "Yi people" and then asked the second classmate, "What about you? "A: The Second Family 50. Guest A: Boss, is the iced soybean milk hot? 5 1. A friend went to buy home appliances and saw a weighing scale on the ground. This friend is fat and wants to try the scale when he sees it. So I stepped on it immediately, with a bang. It turned out to be an induction cooker. 52. That was the first time I used a bus IC card. After I got on the bus, I showed my card to the driver and went straight to my seat. No, the driver said "read the card", so I read the IC card carefully: "Hefei bus IC card ~ ~", and the driver said "read it over there", so I went to the place pointed by the driver and read it hard: "Hefei bus IC card ..." 53. The fourth student in the dormitory got out of bed and looked for slippers for a long time. No, I asked everyone: Where are my slippers? 54. Waiting in line in the canteen, I heard a boy next to me say, "Master, a bowl of bullet cauliflower soup! "! " (Porphyra and egg soup) Haha, I laughed until I sprayed the soup.