Humorous jokes.

In the unit's toast, a leader said, "I wish you good health ..." Hold your breath, and there will be no more words.

Once I booked a hotel for my boss and wanted to ask if there were any services such as free internet access, but I couldn't figure out how to say it, so I asked him, "Do you have any special services here?" "

The other party: "What? Special service We are a regular hotel! " -__-! ! ! !

Third, the old four in the dormitory got out of bed and looked for slippers for a long time. No, I asked everyone: Where are my slippers?

4 shopping, suddenly my friend exclaimed: "Wow! Virgin bookstore! "I was frightened. I looked up and saw a plaque with four big characters written on it.

-Foreign language bookstore-_ _!

I once went to buy mutton kebabs.

Hold out four fingers and say "three kebabs" to the boss.

The boss received "How much?"

I held out three more fingers and said "four" ...

Our general manager is surnamed Zhou. I was driving as soon as he called. When I get nervous, I say, "Premier Zhou ..."

My surname is Zhu, the computer room of the management unit. Someone once called my mobile phone: "Sir Chicken, are you in the pigsty?" I was yelling at that guy.

8 Waiting in line in the canteen, I heard a boy next to me say, "Master, a bowl of bullet cauliflower soup!" " "(Porphyra and egg soup) Haha, I laughed and sprayed soup.

One day, I ate slowly in the rice noodle shop and was hungry.

Finally, I couldn't bear to strike the table and roar. I wanted to say no to rice noodles, so I lifted the table! The result said, "Boss! ! ! ! I'll eat the table without rice noodles! ! ! ! The whole store was silent for 3 seconds, and then burst into laughter under the table ... shame. ...

10 My parents quarreled, and my father said angrily, "I'll go out!"

1 1 High school plays basketball. After getting the ball, A selflessly passed it to B, and B scored easily. After a while, B got the ball and A shouted to pass it to him. B threw it himself. As a result, A shouted angrily: I was really blind just now ... The audience was dizzy with laughter.

In the impression of 12, the monitor in primary school was extremely serious. A self-study class, the classroom was crowded with people. After several times of maintaining order, the monitor was finally fed up. He stood up, patted the table and shouted, whoever makes any more noise will break his mouth! ! ! ..... class be quiet.

When we were in 13 university, we asked a buddy how Manchester United was. He said excitedly, "Manchester United lost and Beckham took two yellow plates!" "

14 Don't work in porcelain without a golden hoop.

17 when I was in college, I heard a girl order: master, stir-fry a plate of hot and sour potato shreds, not potatoes!

19 cooking at noon, my mother made me a pot of carrots: "Go, cut the carrots into diced meat!" " "

A colleague asked me yesterday. How to write festivals? I replied: add a festival section under the grass prefix and remove the grass prefix! All the staff burst into laughter! I haven't reacted yet.

When I was looking for a job, the examiner asked me when I would graduate. I wanted to say 2000, but when I got excited, I said, "Two thousand years ago. . . "

What's more, the examiner sighed and said, "Confucius' student. "

Just after school started 10 minutes, my deskmate raised her hand and said, teacher, I want to go to the toilet. The English teacher said unhappily: How old are you to go to the toilet?

I remember once buying a fruit called Elizabeth. I opened my mouth and said, boss, how much is Shakespeare? The boss froze on the spot.

Drinking with leaders and others, he raised his glass and said loudly, "Let's die together!" " My brain was too hot. ......

On one occasion, the photographer of our newspaper interviewed the star of Anonymous and told him how he met the star at the meeting. The boss looked at a pile of photos on the table and made a joke: I see you have become his royal photographer. But the boss's southern Mandarin is not clear, so he pronounced "Yu" as "Japanese". From then on, this poor photographer was called "everyday photographer" by us. He worked overtime, and of course he became a "night photographer".

Boss, do you have a toilet paper hunger card?

I'm from the logistics department. After the new year, customers call to ask when the goods will arrive before the festival. Because the holidays were so chaotic these days, I couldn't figure out the contents of the order, so I asked, What are you?

A friend of mine has just watched The Legend of the Condor Heroes, and he is very interested in "fighting the dog to win the battle" and often plays jokes on others.

One day, as usual, he. Kicked a man and shouted "kick the dog's leg!" " Everyone laughed wildly, and he felt embarrassed, so he kicked again and shouted, "Dog kicks!" " "

When I was in high school, I went out to work during the holidays.

I want to find a job as a waiter in a restaurant.

I'm nervous because I'm a child, and this is my first job.

Originally I wanted to ask the manager if he needed a job, but I also wanted to say that it would be more subtle to ask him if he needed manpower. The result said, "Manager, do you need a beater here?"

I almost found a hole to get into.

Once I went to the market to buy food and prepare for dinner. A Korean friend bought lettuce 2.4 yuan. He gave all the change to the vendor, but he was still short of a dime, so he said to the vendor:

"I gave you all my hair, so I have no hair."

Vendor remained, along while, answer:

I don't want your hair.

The manager usually says to smokers at meetings: smokers are strangled! !

I remember when KFC went out to spread its wings and spread its fragrance, because I didn't see the advertisement and heard what others said, I always thought it was Liu Xiang who endorsed KFC. When I get to Ken, tell the waiter that I want Liu Xiang to fly high. ...

I went to a small shop for dinner with some colleagues after work the other day. There were quite a lot of people in the shop at that time. A fat waiter is as busy as a bee. A colleague shouted "waiter ~ ~" and the girl ran over: "What are the accounts of several nodes?" At that time, we all fell down and went to this restaurant for dinner. When ordering food, we shout "waiter pays the bill" and then shout "order!" ! "

I met my colleague in the bathroom at noon, and suddenly I didn't know what word to say hello to. The tie asked, "Have you eaten?" After asking, I was annoyed and embarrassed. The colleague replied, "Yes, and you?" I'm dizzy ~ ~ ~ ~

4 1 my colleague asked about the exchange rate between RMB and Japanese yen, and he said, how can apes exchange it with Japanese yen?

42 Dormitory brothers watched Prison Break. When a man took a blade out of his mouth to kill someone, the boss suddenly jumped out: "I'm K, I can still talk with my mouth hidden in the blade, and I'm convinced ..."

One day at noon, my mother asked my brother to move the dining table to the side. My brother hasn't moved for a long time. When my mother was in a hurry, she said this:

"Did you hear that? ! I told you to move the table two kilometers to the side! =_="

After the impassioned speech of the trade union chairman, the last sentence reached a climax: Comrades, let's do our work better this year than next year! The whole audience fell.

I called a friend I haven't contacted for a long time and learned that he was "suspended with pay"

There are so many beauties in Jiangshan, and countless heroes shoot eagles. . . . . .

I went to the cinema to see Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Before the movie started, there was a trailer for Transformers. When I saw the fanatic leader, I couldn't remember Megatron. His team was called Decepticons. Because I was so excited, I was a little exclaimed, "How handsome! It's eight days in the south! "

What's terrible is that it was suddenly very quiet at that time without any movie sound effects, and many people stared at me and laughed ... what a pity!

Have dinner with a group of friends

One of them was probably betrayed by his brother, so depressed that he drank a lot of beer, and then stood up with a red face and shouted, "Brother! Not for sale! "

I think what I'm trying to say is that brothers are not for sale

At that time, more than a dozen people at our table were lying down.

I'm so tired that I've run out of strength to eat shit. ...

1. Once a second-class bus, a BMW passed by, and a tall man next to it said to the people around him, "Look, that's IBM."

2. A friend of mine is an intern in Unicom. One day, an old man came up and said, "Can you get me a mobile card?" Then the friend said without looking up, "Master, someone is coming to smash the venue!" " "

3. Colleagues may be nervous when they meet customers. As soon as they opened their mouths, they said, "Hello, Miss Liu, what's your name?" anxious ...

4. In the past, the geography teacher was a man, which was particularly violent. Whoever talks and is distracted is punched, but he didn't hit the girl. A new girl doesn't know equality between men and women. Once, she stole cartoons in class, was found by the geography teacher, and came forward without warning. The girl turned pale with fear and shouted, "indecent assault!" ! "Our geography teacher waterfall Khan. ...

6. On a windy day, the bicycle fell down one after another. I only heard a classmate say while helping the car: whose Mercedes-Benz crushed my BMW? ! ……

8. Last time I was abroad, I saw a handsome guy selling cakes in the street. When my friend and I bought it, we said he looked like Elvis Presley. When he heard us talking about him, he asked us what to say. I thought about it for a long time and translated it into "King Vivi".

9. The girlfriend in the dormitory was chatting with a netizen. The other end of the phone was obviously excited: "Hello, I'm Wang Xiaoliang. Guess who I am?" Can't faint ...

10, learned a sentence from a friend, "I'll give you ten words-get the fuck out." I remember when he said this sentence to a group of us for the first time, he saw that all the people were counting whether there were ten words under their fingers ... What's more, I told N friends with this sentence that more than 90% of them would hesitate for a moment, say a word silently or move their fingers slightly, and then say with a smile, Shit, it's really ten words. It works every time!

1 1. One day, the monitor told me what to do on Saturday (there were many things that week). After that, my deskmate shook my arm violently: "Come on, tell me, what day is Saturday?" ……

12, I am a female colleague, especially strong, and I often work hard in the workshop to compare a bunch of male compatriots. One day, I saw Mr. A, who couldn't move anything, skillfully moved a box of goods, laughing that Mr. A was too weak when he moved. A gentleman held his breath for three minutes and said, "No matter how fat your woman is, there must always be a man who can carry you to bed." ...

13, when I was in middle school, the mid-term Chinese test paper was translated as "tyranny is fiercer than tigers" in classical Chinese, and occasionally translated as "exorbitant taxes and levies are fiercer than teachers!" I didn't find the sweat until I found the paper! The head teacher drew a big red circle on the word "teacher"! I got 2 points for that question and deducted 5 points!

14, power failure, my dad's mobile phone is still charging. He looked for something with a candle. I asked him what you were looking for, and when he said how to charge, the green light went out.

16, we slept with a junior who came to chat with her. Junior asked her, "I've always heard about the frog prince. Why not a frog?" The three of us were cheated at that time, and the junior explained to her because there was a fairy tale called the frog prince. The classmate said, "Oh, that's the way it is. Is that frog and toad the same thing? " Hey, is that called toad or Khan? "Xue Mei sighed and said," Khan, toad is a tribal leader of ancient ethnic minorities. "At that time, we were blue in the face. ...

17, once I went to dinner with my friends, the clerk in that store was very dragging and rolled his eyes and asked, "What do you eat?" A friend said that you have any specialties here, and the clerk said, "Everything!" " "My friend was anxious and said," Then give me a plate of tomatoes and stir-fry tomatoes! ! ! "

18, I called my dad's office once to find him. I didn't think it over because I was in a hurry. I got up and shouted, "Dad, are you xxx?" As a result, I couldn't say anything with a smile on my face.

20. I have a good classmate with a slightly darker skin and her boyfriend with a slightly whiter skin. One day, the poisonous queen in the dormitory suddenly said to her, "You can't do this, you'll have zebras ..."

2 1, the same poisonous queen, met a brother in his early 30 s one day and graduated from our department. At present, my brother is most concerned about grasping the tail of youth. This time, the queen of poison tongue really wanted to praise others, but as soon as she opened her mouth, she said, "What a young middle-aged man!" "

22. One of my classmates may be nervous for the first time. He may want to ask the patient, but Gao Shou and your last name turned out to be: "Grandpa, what's your last name?" I'm dizzy! The patient is unconscious!

23. The meals in our school canteen are divided into soft meals and hard meals. One day, after careful consideration, a boy in front of me in the canteen said, I'd better eat soft rice. ...

25, my classmate's friend, relatively dull, may have a good face. A few years ago, I went to the North Film Examination and was admitted. What shall we ask him when I come back? He said that the examiner pretended to be an idiot and they all pretended to be the same. We said, how do you pretend? He said, I'm not pretending. I just walked around and was chosen. ......