A joke about counting money

Little Nutbrown hare said, "My mother calls me Little Nutbrown hare, which is very nice!" "

The pig said, "My mother calls me a pig, which is nice!" " "

The dog said, "My mother calls me a puppy, which is nice!" " "

The chicken said, "You talk, I'll go first!" " "

The rabbit said, "I am a rabbit!" " "

The pig said, "I am a son of a bitch!" " "

The chicken said, "I am a son of a bitch!" " "

The dog said, "You talk, I'll go first!" " "

The cat said to me, "I'm your grandmother's cat. It looks good!" " "

The dog said to me, "I'm your grandmother's dog. It sounds nice!" " "

The fish said to me, "I'm your grandmother's fish. It sounds nice!" " "

The bear said, "You talk, I'll go first!" " "

Lang Ke said: "People call me a ronin, which is very nice!"

The samurai said, "It's nice to be called a samurai!"

The expert said, "It's nice to be called an expert!" "

The swordsman said, "You talk, I'll go first!"

Jimmy Lin said: "My fans say my idol is Ying."

Andy Lau said: "My fans say: My idol is Hua."

Jacky Cheung said, "My fans say my idol is called a friend."

Jordan chan said: "You talk, I'll go first!"

The senior math teacher said that I will teach senior math this semester.

The college physics teacher said: I teach big this semester.

The information management teacher said: I teach asset management this semester.

The socio-economic teacher said: You talk, I'll go first.

Peking University said: I am from Peking University.

Tianjin University said: I am older.

Shanghai University said: I went to college.

Xiamen University said: You talk, I'll go first!

General Li Zongren said: I am a benevolent man!

General fu said to him: I am just!

General Yu Dayou said: I am a man with great potential!

General Huo Qubing said: You talk, I'll go first!

The door of Lao Zhang's house is made of logs. Lao Zhang said: My door is a wooden door.

Lao Li's door is made of plastic. Lao Li said that my door is made of plastic.

The door of Lao Wang's house is made of stone. Lao Wang said that the door of my house is Shimen.

Liu's door is made of steel. Lao Liu said: you talk, I'll go first!

Bai Yu said: My name is White.

Jade jade said, my name is jasper.

Redjade said, My name is Redjade.

Apricot said: you chat, I walked first!

The students of normal college said: I am from normal college.

The students in vocational colleges said: I am from vocational colleges.

The student of the Air Force Academy said: I am from the Air Force Academy.

The students of the technical college said: You talk, I'll go first!

2. Secretary of the county party committee: "Rabbit, shrimp, pig tail! Without pickles, pickles are too expensive! " Attention, comrades and villagers! Stop talking and have a meeting now! After the secretary of the county party Committee finished speaking, the host said, "Please give me sausages and pickles!" (Translation: Now please speak to the county magistrate! The county magistrate said, "Rabbit, the dog ate today's meal, and everyone is chinemys reevesii!" " "Comrades, that's enough for today. Let's make a big bowl! County magistrate: "Don't be a pickle, I'll lick a piece of shit for you." Stop it, I'll tell you a story. County magistrate: This shit may be eaten by someone. Some people may know this story. County magistrate: Don't worry about not eating (don't worry about not understanding) County magistrate: I'll pull it for you now-

One day, when the teacher came into the classroom, the students all stood up and shouted, "Good morning, teacher!" "

The teacher said angrily, "Good morning? What shall I do in the afternoon? Not good? "

So the students shouted together: "Good afternoon, teacher!" "

The teacher said angrily, "What about my evening?"

The students shouted together again: "Good evening, teacher!" "

The teacher nodded and said, "That's it. Now shout it again! " "

The students shouted: "Good morning, teacher, good afternoon and good evening!" "

The teacher said, "Sit down! Today we are going to review antonyms. Let's practice like this. When I say something, you say the antonym loudly. Start now. "

Teacher: "The weather is fine today."

Student: "The weather is terrible today."

Teacher: "There is sunshine everywhere."

Student: "There are clouds everywhere."

Teacher: "The road is crowded with people."

Student: "There is no one on the road."

Teacher: "Young."

Student: "Old."

Teacher: "Stand."

Student: "Lie down"

Teacher: "There is a young man standing on the road."

Student: "There is an old man lying on the road."

Teacher: "I found a dollar."

Student: "I lost a dollar."

Teacher: "I found a dollar and gave it to the teacher."

Student: "I stole a teacher and lost a dollar."

Teacher: "No, you can't say that!" " "

Student: "Correct, you should say so!" " "

Teacher: "Wrong."

Student: "Correct."

Teacher: "that won't do, it's illegal!" " "

Student: "This is ok, this is a legal act!" " "

Teacher: "I was wrong."

Student: "We are right."

Teacher: "Listen to the teacher, what the teacher said is right!" " "

Student: "Listen to us, everything the teacher said is wrong!" " "

Teacher: "You are so stupid."

Student: "We are very smart."

Teacher: "Stop!"

Student: "Go on!"

Teacher: "You stop now! Stop it! "

Student: "Go on now! Say it! "

Teacher: "You stupid pigs, I said stop!" " "

Student: "We are all geniuses, we say go on!" " "

Teacher: "You listen to the teacher!" " "

Student: "The teacher listens to us!" " "

Teacher: "all students have to listen to the teacher!" " "

Student: "The teacher should listen to the students!" " "

Teacher: "now you stop practicing!" " "

Student: "Now let's continue to practice!" "

Teacher: "Are you endless?"

Student: "We finish what we started!" "

Teacher: "Then stop! Stupid pig! "

Student: "Then we should continue! Genius! " ..................................................................................................................................................................................

4. Aries

Mother often tells the sheep: "Don't sway when wearing a skirt;" Or the little boy will see the underwear inside! One day, Yangyang said happily to his mother, "Today I played on the swing with Xiaoming, and I won!" Mother said angrily, "didn't I tell you?" Don't put on a skirt! " Yang Yang proudly said, "But I'm so smart! I took off my underwear so that he couldn't see my underwear! "

Taurus

Melon vendor: "Come and eat watermelon, it's free if it's not sweet!" " "

Hungry Niu Niu: "Wow! Great, boss, have a sweet one! "

Gemini

Mom told Shuangshuang to get up: "Get up quickly! The rooster has crowed several times! "

Both of them said, "What does a cock crow have to do with me? I am not a hen! "

cancer

On the bus, crab crab said, "I want to sleep with my mother tonight!" Mother asked, "Did you sleep with your mother when you married your daughter-in-law?" Crab crab said without thinking, "Hmm!" Mom asked again, "What about your daughter-in-law?" Crab crab thought for a long time and said, "It's very simple. Let her sleep with her father!" Mom: "! @#$%^&*(……-"

Look at dad again, tears are already in my eyes!

-Leo

The lion lion went to grandma's birthday party. When it was time to eat Shoubao, the lion asked, "Why do we eat Shoubao like a donkey?" They listened to the face big change. Then the lion opened the birthday bag, looked at the bean paste inside and said, "Grandma, look! There is also shit in it! " Everyone fainted, vomited and vomited.

Virgo

Curious about navel everywhere, ask dad. Dad simply explained the reason why the umbilical cord connects the fetus and the mother, saying, "After the baby left the mother, the doctor cut off the umbilical cord and tied it in a knot, which later became the navel." Everywhere: "Why doesn't the doctor tie a bow?"

libra

Father said to Tian Tian, "Don't go to school today. Last night ... your mother gave birth to two brothers for you. Just tell the teacher. "

Every day I answer: "Dad, I only said I gave birth to one; The other one, I want to stay until next week! "

Scorpius

The scorpion was bitten by a mosquito as soon as it fell asleep. He got up to catch mosquitoes, but he couldn't get out. No way, he pointed to the mosquito and said, "well, I'll go out if you don't go out!" " With that, he left the room, slammed the door and said proudly, "Hum! If I don't come back tonight, I will starve you to death! "

-Sagittarius

Pat: "Dad, why do you have so much white hair?" Dad: "Because you are naughty, Dad has a lot of white hair." Shooting: ... (doubtfully) Shooting: "Then why do grandfathers have white hair?" Dad:! @#$%^&*(……

Capricornus

One day, Jiejie and her mother went shopping together. Walking on the road, it suddenly began to rain.

Mother took Jie Jie's little hand and said, "It's raining, run!" " "

Jie Jie asked slowly, "Then it won't rain ahead!" ? "

(Capricorn who understands reality and is too lazy to change)

Aquarius

Aquarius asks his mother, "Why are you called Mr. Jiang's ancestor?"

Mother said, "Because' ancestor' is the name of the deceased."

Bottles and jars said, "Should the deceased grandmother be called' fresh milk'?"

(A natural water bottle with unique thinking, always unique)

Pisces

Dad told the fish that he often went hungry when he was a child.

Fish-fish had tears in his eyes and asked sympathetically, "Oh, Dad, you came to us because you didn't eat."

Home? "

5.

[Turn] Joke 2 (Turn)

A Chinese teacher from Shandong Province read an ancient poem "Wochun" by Lu You to the students and asked them to dictate.

The Chinese teacher read aloud as follows. A student dictated the following.

Wo Chun, I'm stupid.

Mume smells flowers, I have no culture.

I hate the bottom, I have a low IQ,

If you hear me lying like water, ask me who I am.

Eduardo Chun Lv. A big donkey.

The coast is green, I am a donkey,

The coast is green, I am a donkey,

The coast is like a dark green. I am a stupid donkey.

Wochun, I'm stupid,

I have no culture, because I lie in the plum blossom and smell the flowers.

Weave and paint the sky. I can only farm.

The fish kissed Shi Shui and wanted to know who I was.

Answer Chun Lv with a lying stone. I am a big donkey.

6.

[Turn around] Funny.

1. Title: While ... While ... Teacher's comment: Does he want to take it off or wear it? )

2. Title: textbooks

Children write: class is boring. (Teacher's comment: Pay attention to the lecture in class)

3. title: innocence

The child wrote: It's really hot today. (Teacher's comment: You are so naive)

4. Title: Among them

Children write: My left foot is hurt. Teacher's comment: Are you a centipede? )

5. Title: Look.

The child wrote: What are you looking at? Never seen it! (Teacher's comment: Don't procrastinate too much! )

Example: You (singing) and I (dancing)

The child wrote: How are you? My teacher commented: Are you writing an English translation? )

7. Make sentences as usual. Ex.: People praise me (), but actually I ().

The child wrote: others praised me (very handsome), in fact, I (wearing a mask) teacher commented: What mask is so easy to use? )

8. Title: One by one

The child wrote: After work, my father came back one after another. Teacher's comment: How many dads do you have? )

9. theme: first ... then ... for example: eat first, then take a bath.

Children write: goodbye, sir!

10. It's raw

The child wrote: On the night of the power outage, it was dark everywhere, and I was so scared that my skin was raw! (Teacher's comment: Seeing this sentence, the teacher admires you. )

1 1. Title: Prosperity-a metaphor for beautiful growth.

The child wrote: My brother is thriving. Teacher's comment: Son, is your brother a vegetable? )

There is a better one. Children write: bustling confession. Teacher's comment: Don't watch too many series. )

12. Title: Sure enough

The child wrote: I ate fruit yesterday and then drank cold water. Teacher's comment: This is a phrase. You can't make a sentence alone. ) The child said: I'm not finished yet, teacher. Sure enough, I have diarrhea at night! (Teacher ...)

13. Theme: Delicious

Children write: delicious fart. (Teacher's comment: ...)

14. Title: In addition,

Children write: A train passes by, besides, besides ... (Teacher ...)

7. A person went to the public toilet, and the person next to him was on the phone and said, "Are you here?" The man felt very strange and thought, what's wrong with this man? He asked me if I would like to go to the bathroom. So he said, "Yes, I am." The person next to him said, "What are you doing here?" The man thought, what can I do when I come to the toilet? He said, "Of course I'm here to shit." The person next to him said, "When are you leaving?" He said, "Of course I'll leave when I'm finished." "Will you come to see me after I finish?" "Are you crazy? I'll see you when I'm finished? " "Why don't I go and see you!" The man said, "You psycho, I'll come to you after I finish, and you'll come to me later. Who are you? " The person next to me finally couldn't help it and said to the other party, "I'll hang up first." There's a psycho next to me. He will answer whatever I say. Really! Hey! "

8. One day, the teacher asked Xiaoming, "1+ 1=?" Xiao Ming didn't know, so the teacher told him to go back and ask his parents. Xiao Ming first asked his father who was trading stocks, "It's up, it's up!" " Then I asked my mother that she was quarreling with her neighbor and said, "Leave it alone!" " Xiaoming went to ask grandpa again. Grandpa is singing: "forward, forward!" " Xiaoming went to ask his sister again. She's in love. She said first, "Honey, where are we going?" He said, "Let's go, dear!" Xiaoming had no choice but to ask his younger brother who was playing with toys, "I am invincible donkey kong!" " "

The next day, the teacher asked Xiao Ming 1+ 1=? Xiao Ming said, "Yes, yes!" The teacher said, "What are you talking about?" Xiao Ming said, "Don't worry!" The teacher said, "You stand at the back of the classroom!" " Xiao Ming said, "Forward, forward!" After class, the teacher said, "Come with me!" Xiao Ming said, "Honey, where are we going?" The teacher said, "Go to my office!" Xiao Ming said, "Let's go, dear!" " The teacher was very angry and said, "Who do you think you are?" Xiao Ming replied: "I am invincible donkey kong!" Say that finish, the teacher fainted! ! !

9. One day, Xiaoming's grandfather was ill, and his mother asked Xiaoming to write a letter to his grandfather. Words that Xiao Ming can't write are represented by "0".

It should be a letter like this:

Grandpa:

When you are sick, you should eat more food and be nutritious. Don't waste what your uncle, aunt, father and mother give you, and your body will get better.

Grandson: Xiaoming

Xiao Ming wrote:

00:

When you are born, you should eat more, and don't waste the 0 given by your uncle, aunt, father and mother, so that your body will get better.

0 Zi: Xiaoming

Grandpa received this letter, and he read it like this:

Eggs:

When laying eggs, eat more eggs, eat more nutritious eggs, and don't waste the eggs sent by your uncles, aunts, parents, so that your eggs will get better.

An egg: Xiaoming

After reading it, grandpa thought that one day, it began to rain. Dad said to his son, "son, if someone comes to borrow an umbrella, you can refuse him." I'll hide in the room first! " As soon as dad hid in the room, a man came to borrow an umbrella. The son said, "No, you borrow one, he borrows one, and our family will have no umbrella!" " Say that finish, the man went away. Dad came out and said, "At this time, you should say,' If you have an umbrella, your bones are scattered and your skin is broken. "I've thrown it away," "Dad said, and I'm hiding in it again. Then the neighbor came to borrow the cat. The son said, "There is a cat whose bones are falling apart and its skin is broken. I have already thrown it away! " The neighbor listened and left. Dad came out again and said, "You should say,' Recently, the cat is weak and is going to have kittens. "It was tied up in the warehouse." "Then Dad hid in the room again. At this time, my father's colleague came to see my father, and my son said, "Recently, my father is weak and is going to have a baby, and he is tied up in the warehouse!" " My colleague left with a smile, and my father was dizzy in the room! ! ! Xiao Ming gets angry when he scolds him.

10. The copywriter died and the whole family died.