The collision between Mandarin and dialect is a joke played by dialect. What does this passage mean?

A big brother in Shandong is squatting in the market with a big cock. At this moment, a middle-aged woman came over. Shandong's eldest brother immediately greeted him and said, "Big pick, big pick, how many to buy?" The eldest sister-in-law with red head and black hair said angrily, "rogue!" " Brother Shandong said, "Sixty cents, sixty cents, you buy a basket (meaning testicles)."

Henan Province

Lao Dong, a native of Henan, came to the south for breakfast. As soon as I entered the door, I asked, "Miss, how much is it to sleep (bowl) in jiaozi for one night?" The waiter was very unhappy and said, "No, only steamed bread." Old Dong said, "Oh, just touch (steamed bread)." The waiter was so angry that he scolded, "Rogue!" Lao Dong was extremely surprised: "Sixty cents? Too cheap! "

Sichuan Province

A soldier was captured, and the officer promised to grant him three wishes before killing him.

The soldier said I want to have a word with my horse. The enemy agreed.

The next day, the horse came back with a beautiful woman, a soldier and a woman.

The police officer said there were two more wishes. The soldier said I want to have a word with my horse. The enemy agreed.

The next day, the horse came back and brought back a beautiful woman. That soldier is also a rabbit? Grab the flail?

The officer said you had one last wish. The soldier still said I wanted to talk to my horse.

The officer was very surprised and went to the stable to eavesdrop. He saw the soldier holding the horse's ear and shouted, "I told you to take a woman (brigade), not a woman!" "

Guangxi

Some people in Guangxi speak Mandarin with inaccurate pronunciation and often with obvious local accent! Common reading: empty becomes public, mouth becomes dog, wind becomes crazy, which leads to the following

joke

When friends are far away, they usually eat a plate of snails for dinner. The host picked up one and said, man! He abandoned it, picked up another one and said, it's a male again! The mouth is not short.

Goo: It's a man again! My friend was surprised and thought: awesome! Guangxi people are too powerful! Even the male and female snails can see it!

I also invited my friends to dinner. People in Guangxi have a little cold and find themselves sitting under the air outlet of the air conditioner. They said, I have a cold and can't sit next to a mad dog. Change seats after that, my friend.

No, what do you mean? I am a mad dog?

Hunan

A township head with a strong Hunan accent came to the village to make a report:

No pickles, I'll pick up a piece of shit and lick it for you. ......

On the podium, a teacher with a provincial accent recited a poem named "Spring Sleep" with great emotion.

And ask everyone to write it in a notebook. The word goes like this:

Wochun

Mume smells flowers, lying on branches hurts and hates the bottom.

Far away, lying like water, it is easy to reach Chun Lv.

The shore is green, the shore is green and the shore is dark green.

I didn't expect a Shandong classmate's notes to learn to write like this:

I was stupid.

I'm uneducated and have a low IQ.

Who am I? A big donkey!

I am a donkey, I am a donkey, I am a stupid donkey!

Beijing dialect joke

A man flew and asked the stewardess for a bottle of mineral water. He didn't come. He was annoyed when he heard someone shouting behind him, "Where's my XO? If his mother doesn't come, ask his mother to smoke! " Thought: Who is so awesome? Looking back, it turned out to be a parrot. I saw the stewardess running over and said, "Sorry, I'll be right there." Sure enough, I immediately brought a bottle of XO, but the parrot roared: "Fuck your screen, you are deaf, I want fucking mineral water, fuck you!" The stewardess quickly said, "I'm sorry, I'll change it for you right away." The man thought to himself, "They are afraid of crossing the line, so they stood up and shouted to the stewardess," I'm C 'ao, and you're blocking the conversation. When will you bring the mineral water I fucking want? Tell me to waste you! ***!” The stewardess said, "Please wait a moment. "After a while, the stewardess brought a big man, and the stewardess pointed," That's him! " "Big strong threw this man out of the plane. The man fell and thought, I, a master, am not as proud as a parrot. The more I tried to light the fire, I suddenly saw the parrot being thrown down. The parrot passed by him and said, "You can't fly, are you still so awesome?"

Tianjin studies English.

A big brother in Tianjin studied English and remembered how much he said when he asked for the price on the first day. second

When buying food in the market, I thought about showing off and asked: Is it delicious? The vegetable seller is stupefied! Independent thinking

Yes, I asked again: Is it delicious? After thinking about it, no, ask: Is it delicious?

Selling "Oh Oh" (Sichuan joke)

The old people told such a story when they put on the agricultural gate array. One day not long ago, in front of Qingyang Palace, an old woman sat down with a piece of paper in front of her, which read "Oh, oh, two points for one point". Passers-by were dumbfounded and wanted to sell something. They all think that the old lady must be a table tennis skull, and she is crazy. Some courageous people ran over and asked in a low voice, "Grandma, what are you doing?" I can see it. "That old lady basically doesn't speak, but at most she says" buy one ". "There are more and more people watching around, and it is getting hotter and hotter. You said yours and I said mine, but no one bought it. One baby didn't believe it and said, "Hey, I'll make a plate!" " "Speaking of which, I took out 2 cents, which was too much. After receiving the money, the old woman dug out a toilet paper bag from the back pocket behind her and handed it to the baby. Now everyone is wondering, only to see that after the baby opened the paper bag, there was another paper bag inside, and after opening it, there seemed to be something inside. When the last one opened, I saw a fly "hum" and flew away to beg, only to hear everyone "oh-oh".

Eat (Tianjin)

I ate coal before it was sunny. I happened to meet a buddy in the street and said, "Alas! Lao Zhao, you ate for nothing. " I said, "Ni Mei." He said, "Good, why don't we eat white together?"

After "walking all over the floor", I was puzzled. They found a fruit seller and asked for 2 yuan of fruit (that is, 20 yuan). I ate 15 skin by myself. He said, "I'm white. Lao Zhao, how many days have you not eaten? You really are Geller. I said, "Just a few skins and a few fruits. I'll treat you to donkey meat and sausage when you come back! "

Inner Mongolia joke

The reporter came to the field in Chifeng to interview the old farmer.

"Grandpa, what are you doing?"

"What about hitting your hand?"

(The reporter doesn't understand) Q: "Why?"

"Muraca!"

(the reporter still doesn't understand, change the subject):

"Grandpa, what do you want to grow this year?"

"Want to plant some sorghum and millet on our land?"

The reporter asked: "Grandpa, can sorghum millet germinate when cooked?"

The old farmer was anxious: Why are you blind in Lu Lu badminton? Your sorghum millet can sprout when cooked!

A county magistrate with a strong accent went to the village to make a report:

"Rabbit, shrimp, pig tail! No pickles, pickles are too expensive! ! "

Attention, comrades and villagers! Stop talking and have a meeting now! ! )

After the county magistrate finished speaking, the host said, "Please give me sausages and pickles!"

Now, please talk to the township head! )

The township head said, "Rabbit, the dog ate today's meal, and everyone is a big jerk!" "

Comrades, that's enough for today. Let's make a big bowl! )

"Don't pickle, I pick up a shit to lick for you. . . "

Don't talk, I'll tell you a story. . . )

Taoyuan dialect is very strange and has a high ending. For example, "ju" is pronounced "pig".

Go to the propaganda department of the county party Committee first and contact the personnel bureau for an interview. The propaganda department called me to make an appointment and put me on speakerphone.

Propaganda Department: "Hello, are you a pig? (Personnel Bureau) "

The other party: "No, you are mistaken. I am not a person but a pig (Personnel Bureau), and my mother is a pig (Grain Bureau). "

I tried to hold back my laughter and my stomach hurt.

The next day, I attended the briefing of the county government. Roll call before the meeting.

Moderator: "Which units have arrived?"

So the participants signed up one by one:

"I am a wild boar (Public Security Bureau)."

"My name is Pig (Education Bureau)."

"I am a pig (post office)."

"I am a typical pig (telecommunications bureau)

I heard a joke about dialects from a friend yesterday. One morning, he called his colleague and asked, "What are you doing?" My colleague replied, "I come to Dalian occasionally." In Hangzhou dialect, "Dalian" and "washing your face" mean the same thing. The friend replied, "Oh, I'll wait for you downstairs." Before his colleague could respond, the phone hung up, so ... after waiting for a long time, his colleague still didn't come down, and he called his colleague again: "What's wrong with you? Why does it take so long to wash your face? I have been waiting downstairs for a long time! " Colleagues are in distress situation: "Hello, I am in Dalian."

I came for nothing-once I went to the countryside of Laiwu City, Shandong Province with an American student from a university to inspect the quality of farmers. Arriving at a village in rural Laiwu coincides with the market. International students and I went to the market with great interest. Then I saw an old lady selling cats on the roadside. Foreign students saw the old lady put the cat in the cage and didn't know what she was doing. He went up to the old lady and asked, "Good morning," and said in very nonstandard Chinese, "Are you dressed-alas-dry-safe-grateful?" "The old lady replied in Laiwu dialect," Playing with the cat pen. No one calls business "fiddling" and "hedging". ) American students were shocked. He didn't expect an ordinary old lady in rural China to speak "English". To show his gratitude, he took out a bottle of Nongfu Spring as a gift and gave it to the old lady. The old lady refused again and again, saying in dialect, "I have nothing to come" (it sounds like saying "I love you"). Foreign students immediately said gratefully, "I love you too."

I just don't talk-this is a real conversation between two officers. It is true in history! One day, the curator of a museum, Qin Daoshi, had something urgent to call the health minister Huang, who had a strong accent. Dean Qin: "Is the minister there?" Minister Huang: "I just won't talk about it." Dean Qin felt puzzled and then said, "Is Minister Huang there?" Minister Huang: "I just forgot! (Huang) "Dean Qin is really angry:" I have something urgent to find him. Why did you forget without saying anything? Are you teasing me? I tell you, I am asking you (Qin doctrine), I want to talk to the minister! " Minister Huang was scolded and angry! He replied loudly, "Don't ask me! (He seems to be asking you after listening to Qin's teachings) I just forgot (I am Huang Helu), and I just don't talk about it (I am a minister)! "

Yunnan dialect. Two Yunnan tourists went to Beijing to play. They heard that Beijing roast duck is very famous and decided to eat it. Just sitting down, one of them said to the waiter, "Go and get two roast ducks to jilt!" " "After waiting for a while, they saw a waiter waving a roast duck in front of them and left. One of them couldn't wait, so he called the waiter and asked them why they didn't serve their roast duck. Which waiter said, "didn't you ask me to bring a roast duck to jilt?" "Note: ("Shuai Shuai "means" eat "in Yunnan dialect)

A Shandong man went to Beijing on business. He came to a restaurant to eat onion sauce. So he said to the waitress, "Miss, peel an onion for me!" " "Miss was puzzled at this, but she did it anyway. It was a long time before the young lady came out. She put the tray on the table and said sweetly, "Sir, here are the eight onions you asked for. "At that time, Shandong was a smash hit, and he was blue in the face. Everyone on the side laughed.

Two Sichuanese traveled to Beijing and looked at the map in the car. "We will kill Tiananmen first, then Zhongnanhai ..." Unfortunately, it was reported by people in Beijing. After getting off the bus, he was handed over to the public security organ, explaining the situation and being released n days later.

Standing in Tiananmen Square, looking at people coming and going, they were speechless. A couldn't help it: "Why don't you talk?" B: "How dare I speak if you don't speak?" The words sound just fell and he was sent to prison again!

Two Sichuanese traveled to Beijing before the National Day, looked at the map in the car and chose the tourist route.

A said to B, "Let's kill Tiananmen first, then Zhongnanhai ...". This "kill" is a local dialect in Chengdu, which means pointing. Wherever you kill people, you go.

B replied, "If we want to, we will kill all the way along the route you said." ("Qu" is pronounced as "Qi" in Sichuan dialect)

Unfortunately, two Sichuanese in the same car were reported. Yes, killing Tiananmen Square and Zhongnanhai is not counter-revolutionary. Immediately after getting off the bus, he was handed over to the public security organ, and he was released n hours later.

Party A and Party B came to Tiananmen Square, watching people coming and going, speechless.

A couldn't help it: "Are you silent?" (Hey, what do you mean, talk?)

B: "How dare I speak if you don't even speak?"

As soon as the voice fell, he was handed over to the public security organ by plainclothes police. (Because of "talking", of course)

A week later, they walked out of the gate of the detention center. You look at me, I look at you.

A said, "Leha is at home, and his bags are empty. Where can we get some bullets? " (Leha, this time; Bullets refer to RMB, which point: where) ... The armed police at the door rushed up and pushed them to the ground.

Therefore, the Ministry of Public Security issued a document: In order to ensure the smooth progress of the celebration of the 60th anniversary of the National Day, Sichuanese are forbidden to speak Sichuanese in Beijing!

This is of course a joke, but it also reminds friends in Sichuan that promoting Putonghua is the direction.