Loss is a process. In order to do a better job, after writing this, I don’t think about it anymore.

Text/Mengchu Ningqi

August 8, 2018, Wednesday, the second day of the Beginning of Autumn.

In the morning, as soon as I got on the bus, my phone vibrated. It was my mother calling. On weekdays, she usually doesn't call me during the day for fear of disturbing me at work, so I answered her call.

My mother asked me if I had called her. She called back and the call actually went to my mobile phone.

I said no.

My mother said that she is going to Fengcheng now and my grandma is in the hospital. It is quite serious.

I asked what was wrong.

My mother didn’t answer directly, and then put down the phone with a few words. The last time she treated me like this was after she learned that my dad had been burned.

During the day, when I was reciting the words to the newcomers at work, my mind suddenly drifted to my grandma, and then I thought about my mother's abnormality. There was a moment in my mind, and the newcomers recited it to me. I didn't hear the content. After reacting, I realized that I was too unprofessional. I was ashamed and hurriedly adjusted myself and re-entered the work and the role of my position.

On the way home from get off work that night, I called my mother and asked her how my grandma was doing. I only heard three words, and I knew it was really serious - cerebral hemorrhage. My mother also said that grandma never woke up.

I worked at my job until Friday night. After work, I went straight to the train bound for Fengcheng...

August 11, 2018, Saturday 11:10

The weather is not so hot anymore, but my grandma passed away.

One month after my 80th birthday, my grandma suffered a cerebral hemorrhage on the night of the Beginning of Autumn. She was in a coma for four days and was critically ill. Rescue efforts failed.

She has no pain or suffering. People say that she did good things in her previous life and gained blessings in this life. My grandma is blessed. We all try to think like this.

My grandma married my grandpa when she was 16 years old, and she had my mother when she was 20 years old. She nurtured five children throughout her life and raised two grandchildren. She also took care of her great-granddaughter during her confinement period.

My grandma has been taking care of children all her life. She has never enjoyed the care of her children for a day. She just went there suddenly and quietly on a Saturday without much delay for her children. Going to work, this is what the old man wants.

I can no longer hear her Hebei accent, no longer can I hear her loving words for calling us juniors "Weng Da Zaizi", and can no longer hear her fast-talking words at night. "Quietly, quietly."

When my mother and I were sleeping in my grandma's bedroom, in the dark, I looked at the ceiling and the furnishings in the room, imagining her sleeping and lying down every day. Here, what I see is the same ceiling, and what I see is the placed things. I am so close to her, but I can never see her again.

I held my mother’s hand and stepped into the door of Phoenix Mountain Funeral Home with my aunt.

I saw the old aunt already wearing white mourning clothes, sitting sideways on the bench at the door, as if she didn't see us, holding a tissue to wipe her eyes.

We were greeted dumbly by the person in charge and wrapped filial piety belts around our waists. My aunt and my mother were the first to step into the hall. The two daughters burst into tears in front of their mother's coffin.

For the first time, I saw my strong mother covering her face with her hands, calling for her mother, and crying loudly.

I couldn't help but take a step and wanted to hug my mother. Then I thought, at this moment, let her cry. Letting her release is the best way for her. I also stood alone. , shifted his gaze, lowered his head and cried, losing his mother for her, and losing his grandma for me.

After that, I held my mother’s hand and sat on a bench at the door. I don’t know what we said to each other or where the others were. I don’t have a deep memory. I only have one impression. , my mother and I were both wondering when my brother would arrive.

That is my uncle's brother, who was raised by my grandma and sent him to college. His relationship is equivalent to my grandma's "biological son".

In the afternoon, I don’t know what time it was, my brother finally flew back from Qingdao, but he couldn’t see the old man for the last time. My brother looked confused when he entered the funeral parlor. According to my aunt later, He said that after his younger brother picked him up in the car, he got the news of his grandmother's death while driving. He replied: "I don't know how to tell my brother.

”

So, my brother always thought that the car was going to the hospital instead of being taken directly to the funeral home to see his grandma.

My brother entered the hall, knelt down and hugged her. Holding the coffin and shouting: "Miscellaneous, I'm late. "

Then, he walked to the front of the coffin crying, knelt down on the ground, and hit his forehead on the ground with three hard muffled sounds.

Look at this scene. Before my eyes were dry, another wave of rain fell.

Then, in the afternoon, the whole family gradually arrived. We were busy on weekdays and hadn’t seen each other for a long time. We didn’t speak to each other. We didn’t say hello, we were silent, and we were watching together for the first time, sitting or standing in silence under the same roof.

I leaned on the doorframe and stood facing each other. Outside the gate, looking at the farthest place, I was thinking blankly. As for what I was thinking about, I don’t know. When someone handed me water, I took it, then opened the lid and raised my head to drink.

Later, my grandma's grandchildren went to visit the cemetery together, and my grandson, granddaughter, and several elders stayed at the funeral home to burn paper and give money to grandma.

It is the custom in Fengcheng that there is no need to keep a vigil at night. My daughter and daughter-in-law gathered the clothes that my grandma loved to wear when she was alive. According to the gentleman in charge, they cut the pockets and collars so that they could be burned to her old man later.

They gathered them together and talked at the same time. Looking at my grandma's daily affairs and learning what she said, we juniors sat in the back and listened silently, and then wiped our tears silently. We were not sad, we just missed her.

There is also my grandpa, who is 84 years old and deaf. He can’t hear what we say in normal voices. He asked, how is grandma in the hospital? We said that she is still lying in the hospital for treatment, and her condition is still the same. She has not woken up.

It is said that 84 years old is a hurdle, and no one dares to think whether he can bear it. No matter the elders or juniors, everyone works together to hide it from him

Grandma and grandpa have been living alone. We have been married for 63 years in 2018. They are the kind of couple who get more and more passionate the more they argue. My grandma takes care of my grandpa’s daily life and food. When we eat together, we can always see grandma unabashedly bringing grandpa’s favorite dishes to him. The closest position is convenient for my grandpa to eat. During the holidays, if someone gives my grandpa a few packs or cartons of cigarettes, he will put them into his hands with the front hand, and my grandma will snatch them away with the back hand and hide the cigarettes. She is afraid of me. My grandpa smoked too much and it hurt his health.

My mother said that my grandma had to be strong all his life. He seemed to have endless energy. He made dumplings, pancakes, steamed bean buns, and rolled noodles by himself. Don't be afraid.

When her children come to see her and do some work at her house, she always says in a Hebei accent, "I don't need you, I don't need you!"

If you go to her kitchen to cook! She would nag at the back about the food, worrying that you wasted money on water, electricity, oil, and gas.

The morning after my grandma passed away, my mother cooked it for my grandpa. During breakfast, while my mother was busy working, she told me: "If my mother were here, I wouldn't have to do it, she would do it herself. "I'm speechless and don't know what to say.

When my mother and my aunt were cleaning up my grandma's refrigerator, they brought out a plate of dishes. I don't know when my grandma made them. The two daughters I thought it was the last time I would eat the food cooked by my mother, so I took it out and ate it. In fact, it was already a bit bad. However, when I heard about this, I didn’t eat the food and I also felt sour.

In the evening, my grandma’s brother, my great-uncle, also came from a long way away.

The ceremony was held at 10:00 am on August 12, 2018. A ceremony of condolences and tears

Early in the morning, we were afraid that my grandpa would become suspicious, so we left home little by little and went to the funeral home. Grandpa walked to the living room and asked my mother where she was. My mother replied that she should go to the hospital to see me. Grandma. Before my mother and I left, I told my grandpa to go out and buy some groceries.

In the end, I left my aunt at home to take care of my grandpa.

At 10:00, Mr. After the coffin was opened, everyone could see the last side of my grandma's body. I didn't look forward to see my grandma's face. I only saw my grandma's feet. My grandma's feet were so small. I always felt that the person lying inside was not me. Grandma.

When I was crying, the whole family knelt down and listened to the professional cry song. I listened carefully to the lyrics, and the more I listened, the heavier they became. I couldn’t help but put myself in my mother’s perspective. Thinking of my mother's feelings, I lowered my eyes and burst into tears.

In the afternoon, it was time to send away my grandma’s soul. The white-haired gentleman also told us why we need to light incense three times at a time and not break it, because the incense on the left is dedicated to the immortal. The incense on the right is for the ghosts, and the incense in the middle is for the spirits of the dead. The incense is a signal for communication between living people and the spirits of the dead, so it cannot be cut off.

Each of us took some lifelike cows, horses, carriage sheds, boys and girls, etc. made of paper, and went up to the temple. Under the guidance of Mr. Baishi, we arranged everything, consecrated everything, and cut everything. The horses and people were thrown out of the car, and they shouted in unison: "Mom, get in the car!"

A fire, the fire was fierce in an instant, the fire was soaring into the sky, heat waves surged, and people's faces were burned. It hurt so much that we didn't dare to go near them anymore, they were burning, and the old uncle told us to leave and not look back.

Later, the white-haired gentleman said that the fire ignited quickly and fiercely, which meant that she had contained it. I felt quite relieved when I heard it: Grandma, have a good journey, you will never have to use it again. Thank you for your hard work.

After returning to the funeral parlor from the temple, the white-haired gentleman asked us to put away the incense as it was no longer needed. I also thought that my grandma’s soul was really gone and there was no need for communication signals.

In the evening, we returned home and listened to our eldest aunt telling us that grandpa ate seven dumplings during the day. The aunt saw grandpa wandering back and forth in the bedroom and living room and said she would take him out to watch chess. Grandpa said : "How can I have such thoughts."

Grandpa went out and was about to go to the hospital. My aunt stopped me and said that the clock at home was broken. Dad, please fix it quickly. So, my grandpa sat at home repairing the wall clock for two or three hours, which was considered as keeping him pressed for another two or three hours.

We have seen grandma’s mourning hall. When we close our eyes, we just stay in that scene. If grandpa also saw that scene, how could he bear it? Therefore, we all want him to remember that grandma is still alive and give him hope.

Resurrection on August 13, 2018

Before the cremation, the white-haired gentleman unveiled my grandma’s body and kindly let everyone see her one last time. This time, I truly felt Seeing grandma's "sleeping face", it really looked like she was sleeping.

I held my mother’s hand, and she and my aunt cried hoarsely again in front of the cremation door frame. I stroked my mother's back from top to bottom and put my arms around my mother's shoulders.

With the ashes packed in them, the family prepared to place them in the cemetery. It is very high there, has a good view, has mountains and water, and everything the children can do is in place.

After the person died, there were all these red tapes. I was in awe of the gods and the underworld, but now I understand better. Whether it is true or not, for the living people, only after going through this Only by eliminating red tape can we truly cleanse ourselves from the heart, accept the loss of our loved ones bit by bit, and the living people will get some comfort.

Then, when the whole family came home, my uncle and my dad took out chess and set up the table to play chess. My brother brought a chair and asked my grandpa to come over and watch the chess game.

Playing chess was what my grandpa was most interested in. Every afternoon, his grandma would send him across the street to a place where a group of old men were playing chess, so that his grandpa could watch them play chess.

Grandpa pursed his lips, with the corners of his mouth turned up, as happy as a child seeing a toy. He sat there, first watching, and then playing chess with my uncle and grandpa.

He saw that we were all here, but he didn’t ask us, you are all at home, who will take care of your mother.

He seems to have forgotten my grandma. Now he is sometimes sober and sometimes confused, which is fine. My brother said that in the future, he will write something on a piece of paper for my grandpa to let him know: "I will transfer my milk to another hospital." We’re in Beijing, we need to be cured for a while.”

Let grandpa keep hoping. We want him to live a good life.

Later, my mother and uncle went to the bank and asked the counter to check my grandma’s savings. Grandma’s children didn’t know how much money grandma had, and the bank counter checked for a long time.

When the numbers came out, the whole family was shocked.

——A total of 47 passbooks, totaling 376,000.

Grandma, who always feels that everything she does wastes water, electricity, oil, fire, and gas. She always eats leftovers when she eats hot meals. The food in Dongjia Market is better than that in Xijia Market. It’s two cents cheap. If the clothes are torn, mend them with needle and thread before wearing them. Use the water to wash your feet and keep them for flushing the toilet. When eating in the living room, the lights in the bedroom must be turned off. Never turn on the lights if possible. Damn Hebei. I must emphasize to you that it consumes electricity.

My grandma was frugal all her life, and she saved 376,000. Her whole life...

My mother said that when she came home from the bank and announced this matter, your aunt cried, your uncle cried, your uncle cried,... I cried too...

I was also shocked when I heard the number my grandma had saved. This is what a mother is, right?

It’s heartbreaking.

A sentence passed through my mind. In an episode of the CCTV Reader Program, Dong Qing said:

"If parents are here, there is still a place to come in life; if parents are gone, there is only a way back in life." ”

Is there anything more important in the world than cherishing your parents’ presence?