What are you going to do tonight?

Classic joke: 1 1=? One day, the teacher asked Xiao Min, "What is 1 1?" He said, "I don't know." "Ask your family." The teacher said. Xiao Min came home and asked his mother, "How much is/kloc-0?" Mother said impatiently, "Get out! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! "Mandy went to ask dad again. Dad was watching the ball game and just scored a goal. "Cool! ! ! ! "He went to ask his brother who was in love and said to his girlfriend on the phone," I'll wait for you downstairs. " The next day, the teacher asked Xiao Min, "What is 1?" He said, "Get out! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! "The teacher slapped him. He said, "Cool! ! ! ! ! ! "The teacher said," Get out! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! "Xiao Min said," I'll wait for you downstairs! ! ! "

Classic joke: The girls in our hospital turn three times, the girls in our hospital turn one time, the secretary and dean jump off a building, the girls in our hospital turn two times, and the water in the Yangtze River will flow back to the girls in our hospital for three times, so don't worry about recovering Taiwan Province Province!

Classic joke: Birthday gift When my wife has a birthday, her husband bought her a pair of jewelry. After reading this priceless jewelry, her wife said, "Honey, isn't it more affordable for you to buy me a Mercedes?"

"Yes," the husband blurted out, "it's a pity that Mercedes-Benz is not fake!"

Classic joke: Free love A family has a new house. Everyone wants the bride and groom to talk about how they met and got married. The bride said with shame, "We are free to fall in love." The groom quickly added: "Yes, it is free love. I gave your mother all my savings for more than ten years and set you free. "

Classic joke: One day, a handsome boy and a beautiful girl in northern Jiangsu met on the train. After a classic "darling deaf hole, leek fried green onion", the little handsome boy took out a deck of playing cards and played with the pretty girl:

Handsome guy: QQ? (Tell me about it)

Pretty girl: Q45? (talking about what)

Handsome guy: Q2 1! (falling in love)

Pretty girl: 8Q! ! (Not talking)

$%……!

When the train arrived at the station, the handsome boy refused to give up, so he took out his playing cards:

Handsome guy: 3QQK? (Say it again)

Pretty girl: 948Q! ! ! (Don't say it)

Handsome guy:-%RMB ...)

Classic joke: The confession of a middle school student is in my heart, and the teacher is the fiercest. Class ends at seven or eight every day.

When I got home, my father was the fiercest, beating me black and blue every day.

My mother is the fiercest when my father is away, and my homework never relaxes me.

After mom left, I was the fiercest. He rummaged through everything and had a drink if he wanted.

Classic joke: Have you ever thought of being loved by ghosts? I remember that morning, I got on the bus and accidentally saw a female classmate from Zuo Ying High School in our school. I took one look at her and was immediately attracted by her, with medium hair and big bright eyes. When I was staring at her, she accidentally found me, so we both bowed our heads in embarrassment. So when I go to school every day, I will definitely catch the time when she gets on the bus, in order to get a look at her. Almost a week later, something strange happened. I didn't see her every day.

Two weeks later, I saw her again, but this time she was really blind and pale. Besides, she didn't even get off at Zuo Ying North Railway Station (usually here), nor did she for the next few days.

One day, I finished my math and had a big meal. It's past eight, so I'm going to wait for the bus. After a while, the bus came and I got on it. As soon as I got on the bus, I saw the girl again and sat in the back with a straight face. I was so tired that I sat down and fell asleep. Suddenly, I woke up from my sleep, feeling breathless, and my eyes could only be opened slightly, but I couldn't call it out. I was scared, so I closed my eyes. Strangely, when I closed my eyes, the discomfort disappeared.

I had a vague premonition that I would get off at the next stop, so I got up the courage and tried to open my eyes. Good, but there is one thing that caught me off guard. I saw a man, grabbed the female classmate, and suddenly she was struggling to scream. The driver didn't look back, which was ridiculous. I ran to the driver and told him that there was a fight behind him. We both looked back at the same time, and suddenly my hair stood on end. I saw that female classmate. Looking at me with a strange look, and that person, long gone, I was suddenly confused. I immediately called the driver to stop, and I rushed out of the car and ran desperately to my house. Suddenly, I saw another person in front of me, pale. Oh, no, it's her again She was standing right in front of me. My legs are weak. I kneel on the ground and close my eyes to see what you want. I'm not wronged. Why bother? Strangely, as soon as I finished reading, my fear disappeared. I broke my eye again and she disappeared. I went home in fear and trembling.

The next Sunday, I had a whim. I wanted to see it, so I asked some friends, and I had already painted her face. A friend asked, remembering that she was strangled by a man on the bus a few weeks ago. Hearing this, I accidentally broke out in a cold sweat.

At night again, I hid at home and dared not go out. Suddenly, I heard someone go upstairs, in a cold sweat. Strangely, I seem to see her, but I don't seem to see her. At that time, I couldn't stand it. I felt that she came to me in tears and said something seemingly insignificant, but I got it. The general idea is as follows: "I'm sorry! It's a big blow to your spirit! At that time, when I was still alive, I fell in love with you the first time I saw you, and now it's ... "In the middle, I suddenly woke up, and from then on, no matter day, night, road or bus. I have never seen this girl again ... I wrote this, and I was in a cold sweat and DC. I will never forget this adventure.

Classic joke: what a wonderful thing it is that corrupt officials are greedy behind their backs, trading power and money, and playing with immortals at ease.

There are ten layers of armor inside, and there are fences and traps outside. I can't move with my back against the mountain, and I have an iron umbrella on my head.

It is difficult to expose greed, but it is difficult to punish it.

Thieves can penetrate the armor, thieves can drill through the fence, it is difficult to report theft, and bribery is exposed.

Fight poison with poison to see a good show, a wonderful little corrupt official!

I hope the thief will turn over a new leaf and form a thief anti-corruption team.

Classic joke: corrupt officials' view of "friendship" is that lovers are too tired, ladies are too expensive, and friendship is the most affordable. There's nothing wrong with having a "reunion". Breaking up a pair counts as a pair.

Classic joke: The Ten Love Legends on a Chinese Odyssey, Huada, contains all kinds of love, which is really varied, colorful and full of five poisons ... I divide it into five times and two kinds, one by one:

Supreme treasure's love for Bai Jingjing-love at first sight

It can be said that from the moment I saw Bai Jingjing, I was one of the most precious people. Some plop plop, emotional sublimation at the edge of the cliff, making eternal promises to each other, and finally being separated by cattle. In big words, this love is: "On a dark and horrible night in a month, I am the supreme treasure, and you are Bai Jingjing. Wonderful love begins with this fire on the bridge. As soon as I turned around, you suddenly pointed at me and my whole hand caught fire. You have to fight for me, fight for it, fight for it, fight for it, fight for it, fight for it, fight for it, fight for it, do you see? I can describe the future development by "turning Gankun around", because A Niu Wang Mo suddenly appeared.

At that time, after you had a fight with Niu Wangmo with a keel in your hand, you took me back to Pansi Cave. The so-called time flies, which is really good, because it's only a blink of an eye, and we get to the point. The top of the broken rock is the time when feelings erupt. At that time, I tried my best to touch you, and you tried your best to touch me, making a vow of never parting. Unfortunately, happiness is always short-lived, and what you get is endless pain and sigh. Why did you die? I just used moonlight to turn back time and find out the truth. Finally, I found out that you committed suicide! I can finally save your life at the last minute! But the last time I went back in time, the box of moonlight broke, and I coughed and went back to 500 years ago … that's it. "This love is fruitless because the Supreme Treasure has changed his mind, so the Supreme Treasure is really a lover.

The love between the Supreme Treasure and Xia Zixian's daughter-there is no classification of fate.

This is also the most touching love story in "Big Talk", a love story with a tragic ending. Five hundred years ago, the Supreme Treasure was ordered by Xia Zi to have three hemorrhoids and pulled out his purple sword. This fate seems to be arranged by God, but God also doomed them not to be together forever. That tear heralded the tragic end. The Supreme Treasure told Xia Zi the most beautiful lie, but it was not his truth, only when he saw it. Tears in his heart made him realize that this was a moment that should last forever, and it had come and gone before I knew it.

Two Principals and Thirty Sisters in Spring —— Fengzi Wedding Ceremony

Although the second husband has long said that "you still care about me and love you for ten thousand years at such a critical time", Sister Chun still called the second husband "xianggong" (also called him a wet nurse, hehe) after giving birth to Tang Priest.

Supreme treasure incense-forced marriage type

Niu Wangmo gained the upper hand and married his sister to the Supreme Treasure. In fact, this is also a misunderstanding, because the Supreme Treasure was not the Monkey King at that time, but it also made Xiang Xiang drool.

The Monkey King and Princess Iron Fan-Types of Extramarital Love

To tell the truth, I think the original the Monkey King was really playboy, and even Princess Iron Fan liked it. Isn't it bad taste? Maybe it's different, and the Monkey King is good at talking. For example, she is called Princess Britney Spears of Tieyuan, hehe!

Niu Wangmo and Princess Iron Fan —— Types of emotional breakdown

Niu married, and Princess Tiefan fell in love with the Monkey King, a small white face, but the lich king was still a little afraid of his wife in the afternoon, but with hands on, of course, Niu still had the strength to fight.

The Monkey King and Bai Jingjing-chaotic eating patterns.

Five hundred years ago, the Monkey King was really a playboy who cheated Jingjing's feelings. If it weren't for the Supreme Treasure, I'm afraid Jingjing would still have a heart for the Monkey King. The Monkey King's feelings for him are very similar to those of Xia Xueyi, the golden snake's husband.

Friar Sand and Fragrance —— A Show and a Retreat

This pair is always reminiscent of Wei Xiaobao and Princess Channing in Duke of Lushan. When Xiang Xiang and Friar Sand exchanged bodies, Xiang Xiang said, "Brother! (Being punched by Friar Sand) What a manly man! (Another punch) I like it! " What do you mean it's not a performance?

Supreme treasure and blind gay types

This is indeed a bit abnormal, and it is the wishful thinking of the blind for the supreme treasure. The blind man said, "(as intimacy) people are infatuated with you!" Hehe, it's really disgusting. When the Supreme Treasure took a fancy to Bai Jingjing, the one who cried the most was, of course, the blind man who was infatuated with him.

Chengtou men and women-everlasting type

The happiest couple in "Big Talk" have happy endings, which can also be said to be the afterlife of Supreme Treasure and Xia Zi. They are the Supreme Treasure and Xia Zixian. They can't be together when they become immortals, but they can be together forever after being entrusted to the world. The love between Supreme Treasure and Xia Zi, after 500 years, is earth-shattering and immortal.

The love story of "big talk" is over forever, that is:

Meet through time and space.

For a long time in the world, I only worshipped Yuanyang, not immortals.

Classic joke: The man in the closet is very sad-he comes home from work and finds a man in the closet.

I was fooled-my wife said he came to see the wardrobe and believed it.

Stupid-treat a man warmly, accompany him to have tea and chat, and ask him to come and play often after he leaves.

Wake up-after he left, it suddenly occurred to him that this man had been to the closet five times this month.

Angry-borrowed 500 yuan from me when I left.

Fortunately, this man is a big shot. If he had just started, he would have run away. It's okay!

Comfort-first curse why he didn't suffocate in the closet, and then kick and vent his anger in the air.

Bad luck-I fainted when I "beat" him.

Lucky-I found a sock left by that man in the closet, which is my favorite color.

Unfortunately-the other one can't be found anywhere.

Revenge-sprayed a lot of roofies in the closet.

Mistake-I accidentally inhaled ecstasy and was in a coma for two days, and my bonus was deducted.

Harvest-I came home from work and found the door locked. I knocked on the door for a long time and no one answered.

Prey-after entering the door, I went straight to the closet and found something.

Accident-there is still a man lying in the cupboard, who is the manager of our company.

Dialogue-Why is the manager in our house?

The manager came to our house to inspect your life! Did he say anything?

Everything he says is fine, except that the wardrobe is too small and stuffy. You can consider the company's contribution to repair it.

Disappointed-after the manager left, he searched in the closet for a long time to make sure that old boys left nothing, such a ghost! ! !

Opportunity-the manager will have a meeting that day, and the manager's wife invited me to her house.

Miscalculation-the manager came back early, and it suddenly occurred to him that the manager's "meeting" could not be held today, and his wife went back to her family.

Helpless-it seems that the manager's wardrobe is also going to have a look.

I happened to meet two colleagues in the closet of the manager's house.

Consensus-We all agree that the wardrobe in the manager's house is really good, big and spacious, with good air, so it's no problem to hide more people.

The manager opened the closet and saw us. He just said lightly, "Why, there are only three people today."

I see-I finally know why people are managers and we are just clerks. Look at their indicators.

Classic joke: Portrait of wife A wife wanted to draw a portrait, and her husband found the best painter for her. When she sat down to draw a picture, she made a request to draw her necklaces, earrings, headdresses and other things, but in fact she didn't wear these gold and silver jewelry.

The painter agreed, but asked, "Why?"

The wife replied, "just in case, you know, I may die before my husband." He will remarry soon, and let his new wife find these treasures! "

Classic joke: Dogs and husbands complain, "Dear, you named our puppy after me, so I often make mistakes."

"No, my voice is very kind when I call the dog."

Classic joke: Children shouldn't sleep, because Tom always listens to his father's story before going to bed. .....

Dad: "Once upon a time, there was a frog ..."

Tom: "Dad, I don't want to listen to fairy tales today. Can I tell science fiction stories? "

Dad: "Well, in space, there is a frog ..."

Tom: "Forget it, Dad, in order to celebrate my eighth birthday, can we talk about the restricted level?"

Dad: "All right! Don't let your mother know. There is a frog with no clothes on ... "

Classic joke: the degree of embarrassment is embarrassing at a friend's house: I want to shit.

The more embarrassing thing is when I was at a friend's house: I found no toilet paper after defecation.

An embarrassing thing when I was at a friend's house: the stool couldn't be washed down.

The most embarrassing thing when I was at a friend's house: the stool couldn't flush down and the water overflowed the urinal.

Classic joke: Imagine how many men meet when a man is pregnant, without shaking hands or saluting, without greeting or smoking, just patting the other person's belly and asking, "How many months?" When is the expected delivery date? "

If one day, men can really have offspring in their bodies. What will our society be like? At that time, even in ordinary families, couples could exchange roles with each other. There are four people in the family. The eldest is born by the mother and the second is born by the father in October. Couples can even get pregnant at the same time if they want. Now that my mother is pregnant, doesn't she often complain that her husband doesn't understand and care? At this time, there is absolutely no need to worry. Any husband can't take care of his wife when he is pregnant, so let him have one himself!

The couple will attend the prenatal training class for pregnant women together, go to the hospital for fetal position examination, give prenatal education to their children together, and finally lie in the delivery room to give birth together. By then, there will no longer be "obstetrics and gynecology" in hospitals, but "gynecology", "gynecology", "obstetrics" and "obstetrics" will be divided into men and women like toilets. When the doctor put on gloves, prepared the instruments and everything was ready for delivery, the nurse opened the clothes of the pregnant woman and was shocked-it turned out to be a "pregnant husband".

After the child is born, the couple will have confinement together, have maternity leave together, and feed the child together. This last point is still difficult for men, but I believe that at that time, various drugs such as breast milk in the emulsion will emerge at the historic moment and will certainly sell well. When children grow up, they should go to school and be taught. When filling in the application form for admission, it is slightly different. In addition to the columns of father and mother, another producer is needed to show the difference. But when children go to school, they are in trouble at the beginning of the first class. The first new words taught in school are "dad" and "mom". Although it is only two words, no matter how the teacher explains it, the child just doesn't understand. Because for them, there is really no difference between "father" and "mother" at home except their looks. This lesson can only be made up when they grow up and have some understanding of the physiological differences between men and women. Some friends may think I'm full of crap, daydreaming.

But please don't forget that society is developing. If a primitive man finds a pair of fashionable streamlined air-cushion sneakers, he may use them to hold food or give them to his lover as a symbol of love, but he may not wear them on his feet. Maybe at that time, we often met this scene in the street or in our daily life at home: two men met, without shaking hands, saluting, greeting or smoking, just patting each other's belly and asking, "How many months?" When is the expected delivery date? Or in the early morning, when the couple get up, one says to the other, "Hurry up, we'll be late! We have an appointment to give you a prenatal examination at nine o'clock. "But" that "said unhurriedly in front of the mirror," then wait for me to shave!

Classic joke: You are Song Wu Lao Wang and Lao Zheng are good friends.

One day, Lao Wang was scolded by his wife, and he dared not refute it; Lao Zheng knows this joke.

He:

"Hey, waste you are a man, but also afraid of his wife; People call me a cat,

But my wife sees me like a tiger! "

Lao Zheng's wife heard this in the house and ran out angrily, holding Lao Zheng in one hand.

Ear, drink a way:

"You are a tiger. What am I? "

Lao Zheng suddenly collapsed and mumbled, "You ... you are Song Wu!"

Classic joke: Vomiting eldest brother, the second child flies, the second child gets airsick and keeps vomiting.

A bag is full, so the boss has to get it. When he came back, he found that the whole plane was vomiting.

The boss asked the reason, and the second child said, "I think this bag is full, so I had to drink half of it and throw up."

Classic joke: the small wine that leads the drinking revolution is drunk every day, which destroys the party style and the stomach;

Drunk girl and wife back to back;

The wife went to the Commission for Discipline Inspection, and the Commission for Discipline Inspection said:

It's not right to drink or not. We get drunk every day.

Classic joke: The most cruel scolding was that day in the car, a beautiful girl suddenly shouted at a gentle white boy: "Rogue!" " The young man seems dishonest. The young man was very wronged and immediately refuted. The two sides began to quarrel.

Later, I heard the girl scold: "You are a big hooligan, and you have been a hooligan since you were a child. Your mother just gave birth to you, so don't forget to look back. " After listening to it, the passengers were silent for a while, and then burst into laughter.

Colleagues shook their heads and said that swearing can be so ugly for the first time. This is really a curse, and no one can beat him. After the boy was scolded, his mouth was open and he couldn't say a word.

After listening to this, we all lamented that this curse is really an eternal curse, probably unprecedented, and it is said that there is really no malicious swearing to fight back.

At this moment, I suddenly heard the man say loudly, "You are the big rascal! You are still in your mother's belly, just go and see your father three times a day! "

Hearing this, everyone fainted.