200 points for the funniest joke. ...

At the annual water-splashing festival, everyone throws water at each other to show respect and blessing. Suddenly a man scolded: "tmb, who threw me?" The person next to him advised him: "You are lucky to be splashed with water." The man scolded: "that idiot threw boiling water at me!" " "

duck's egg

One day, in the distance, I saw a rooster chasing a hen with a feather duster in his hand. I'm confused. After careful inquiry, I realized that they were a couple, and the hen had just laid a duck egg.

I am a female soldier.

... a chief reviewed the military parade. Chief: Hello comrades! Soldier: Hello, sir! The chief patted a soldier's chest and said, how well this muscle is trained! Soldier: Sir, I'm a female soldier!

Die because of one sentence

An eagle found a rabbit and ran after it. The rabbit ran desperately until it was cornered, so he made a plan and said to the eagle, "Sister Eagle, you don't have a bra." .......

be haunted

One day, Xiaomei got up in the middle of the night to go to the toilet. Suddenly, she met a female ghost, and the female ghost said, "Look, junior, I have no feet, I have no feet." Xiaomei: "

That's nothing. Look, senior, I don't have breasts. I have no breasts.

dead

Komatsu ventured alone in the forest and was suddenly surrounded by a group of cannibals. At this time, Komatsu was very scared, so he muttered to himself, "I'm going to die this time, God, help me." Suddenly, a voice came from the sky: "Not necessarily. You picked up the big stone on the ground and killed the leader. " So, Komatsu did it right away. Then a voice came from the sky: "Now you are really dead."

make a wish

It is said that a man was killed in the vast desert. A few days later, he didn't find water or food. He was dying. At this moment, he suddenly picked up a magic lamp from the desert. An elf appeared in the magic lamp at once. It said to the man, "I can realize a wish for you." Hurry up, I'm in a hurry. " The man said, "I want a wife ..." As soon as his voice fell, he heard a bang in the sky. The genie conjured up a beautiful woman and said, "You people are starving and want to covet beauty!" " ! Really sad! "Say that finish and suddenly disappeared. At this moment, I only heard the man say weakly, "... cake." "

see a doctor

... one day, Xiao Wang was uncomfortable down there and went to the hospital for examination. The doctor asked, "What happened to that guy below you?" Xiao Wang said, "Don't laugh when I take it off for you!" "Doctor:" Well, take it off, and I promise not to laugh. "So Xiao Wang took off his pants and showed them to the doctor. When the doctor saw that his penis was as big as fire, he couldn't help laughing. Xiao Wang said unhappily, I promised not to laugh. People have been swollen for several days, and you are still laughing. "

Liu guanzhang

Liu Bei, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei are all depressed because of their short genitals. So I found Zhuge Liang, a military adviser, and asked him to help me pay attention. Zhuge Liang suggested that they go to America again. Liu Beixian went to change another one and was very satisfied. When he came back, he told Guan Yu that this one was easy to use, so Guan Yu also changed another one and came back to tell Zhang Fei that this one was easy to use. Zhang Fei also went to get another one. When I came back, I found Guan Yu and said, "Second brother, I can't do this well." Guan Yu: "Impossible, please take off your pants and let me have a look." Zhang Fei took off his trousers. Guan Yu smiled and said, "Haha ... the one you changed is mine."

Bat little k

... a group of bats haven't sucked a drop of blood for a long time. One day, the little K bat flew back from the Woods, and his mouth was bloodshot. Everyone gathered around and asked excitedly, "Little K, tell me where you sucked your blood?" Little K: "Do you want to know? Come with me. " So, little K led everyone to fly to the Woods. Suddenly, little K stopped, pointed to the big tree in front and asked, "Have you all seen the big tree in front?" Everyone happily replied: "Yes, yes!" Little K: "Shit, I didn't see it just now!" " "

Inverted.

On the African prairie, a group of ants climbed onto the elephant's back to play. The elephant feels itchy, so it shakes its body. The trembling ant was shaken to the ground. Finally, only one ant gripped the elephant's neck tightly. The ant below shouted: strangle him, strangle him, demo, it's fucking backwards!

the ant and the elephant

... the weather was fine in the morning, and an ant came out to bask in the sun. At this moment, an elephant is coming from there. The ant saw the elephant creep into the soil, showing only one foot. The squirrel resting next to him asked, "Brother Ant, what are you doing?" The ant said, "Shh! Keep your voice down, I want to stir it. "

The Bear & The Hare

One day, the bear and the rabbit were defecating in the forest. They didn't speak. Suddenly, the bear asked the rabbit, "Brother, do you think it doesn't matter if your hair touches the stool?" The rabbit snickered for a while and said, "Never mind, it will be clean after washing." So the bear did not hesitate to wipe his ass with a rabbit.

Gather friends

... college students looking for friends, gender: male. Conditions: I have a car and a house and a fixed income every month. If you are interested, please contact me. Because the hand is strong, please seize the time if you are interested. Note: 6-person dormitory; Automobile-bicycle (pollution-free, environmental protection); Fixed income-monthly allowance for poor students in 24 yuan schools.

Not a crime

... it's not illegal for girls to eat. No matter how fat, you have the right to gain weight. Slim is actually gaunt behind, and people who love you won't care about your waistline. Taste the long-lost taste of food. Even death is a kind of beauty!

1: There was an ugly girl who couldn't get married, hoping to be trafficked, and finally had a dream one day.

If she is kidnapped, the kidnapper thinks she is ugly and sends her back to her original place, this woman.

The kidnapper insisted on not getting off the bus, biting his teeth and stomping his feet, saying, Let's go. . No car! ! !

Spiders love ants deeply, but they are rejected when they express their love. Spider roar: Why? What is all this about? The ant said timidly: My mother said that people who stay online all day are not good people!

3 your happiness, I will build; I will make up for your confusion; I will satisfy your greed; I will give in to your willfulness; I'm the only one who cares about you. I am a professional pig farmer. (To be continued)

You want to invite me to dinner. If you don't meet my requirements, I'll write your mobile phone number on the wall and add two words in front of it: apply for a certificate.

Last night, I had a dream, and the Lord said that one of my wishes could come true. I took out my globe and said I wanted world peace! The Lord said it was too difficult! I took out your photo and said, make this person beautiful! God sweated and said, "Bring me the globe and let me have a look!"

Do you want to get rich? Do you want to get lucky? Do you want to be an official? Do you want to become famous overnight? Do you want to be young forever? Do you want people all over the world to be crazy about you? ——————————— Stop dreaming, wash your feet and sleep!

7 rainy days, wet, so wet ... every night, you just stare at the cold window and stare at it. I came over and said to you softly, "Wang Cai, go in. The person who sent the bone won't come today.

"

This may be the last time I send you a text message. I hesitate to tell you. I'm going to America in the near future, and all the formalities have been completed. I can't help it, really Bush said he couldn't deal with Saddam without me.

One day I went to the zoo to see orangutans, and I threw up. Another day, you went to the zoo to see the orangutan, and the orangutan vomited! The same person, why is the gap so big? (To be continued)

10, monkey hunting apocalypse: I lost a furry little monkey. Features: dirty, covered with runny nose, carrying a mobile phone, and reading text messages. I love monkeys and reading short messages. Write back to my master quickly! Master misses you so much!

1 1. When I heard that you were trafficked, I was really scared. Although you grew up with dementia, it is harmless to society. Who is so bold as to dare to sell you? I'm worried about him. It's strange to sell it!

12, I told my mother: I like you! After spending so much time with you, I feel I can't live without you. I want you to come to my house every day to accompany me! But my mother didn't agree. She said: no dogs at home!

13, I changed my job, and now I work in a bank, not far from you. Come to me when you have time, call my name at the bank, and I'll know! I changed my name. That's too vulgar. I'll call sister Qiang first.

14. I saw on the internet yesterday that the model of your mobile phone was extremely radioactive. I was shocked. I was just about to inform you that it's useless for people with IQ below 50. I felt a sort of surge of relief. Don't worry, keep using it.

15, Top Secret Document of the 16th National Congress: In order to improve the quality of our population, the state has decided to eliminate a group of retarded and ugly children who look like Guo Sun. Please pack your things and go quietly! Don't thank me! Be safe! (End)

Remember the military training under the tree that year? The coach said to the students, "Count off in the first row!" You looked at the coach in surprise, and the coach said loudly, "Count off!" " "So, reluctantly, you turned and hugged the tree!

The latest news: The main transmission route of SARS is currency in circulation. For the health of you and your family, please clean up all your cash and seal it in plastic bags. I will collect it at home for a small fee.

On the journey of our friendship, sometimes you can't see me by your side. It's not that I forgot you, much less. But I choose to walk behind you. When you accidentally fell down, I ran up and stepped on my foot!

Shall we go on a date on Saturday Please grant my sincere request! Because I really want to go to the seaside with you and listen to the sound of the sea. I'll take you to climb the highest stone near Shanghai and kick you down!

Yesterday, I dreamed of you. Really, the sky is so quiet, the sun is so bright, the sea is so boundless, and you are standing on the blue seaside. I stabbed you with a stick. Hey, this little bastard has a hard shell.

Love is empty, love is empty, I wander in the street; People are empty of money, and a single evil cause is troublesome; Things are different, business is empty, and it is crazy to think about it; Life is not easy when the mobile phone is empty and there is no money to charge it; Anyway, all four are empty.

When I turned to leave, you cried helplessly behind me, and the heartbreaking pain made me suddenly understand how much I love you. I turned around and hugged you: this pig is not for sale.

I saw you that day, in the supermarket! You quietly put your hand on the barcode scanner, and the screen shows: pig's trotters 8 yuan. Do you think the machine is broken? Looking from the face, the screen shows 5 yuan, pig head!

When you pick up the mirror and look at your round face, high nose, charming eyes, sexy mouth and blessed ears, you will sigh loudly-pig! ! ! !

Are you lonely? If so, why do you go downstairs to buy ropes and sticks, tie ropes to sticks, and wave sticks on the roof when it is windy, and people will ask you? Just say: I have a seizure. . .

People are really tired when they are alive! Standing thinking about sleeping, getting on the bus and waiting in line, unrequited love is really painful, eating is tasteless, drinking is easy to get drunk, working is particularly tired, robbery is not enough, and you have to pay taxes to earn money, alas! Even texting pigs costs money!

Just a gust of wind, so eternal, just a dream, so real, you bowed your head and said nothing, but I couldn't calm down. I finally can't help telling you, please tell me next time you fart!

One night, a naked man called a taxi and the female driver stared at him intently. The naked man was furious and shouted: You have never seen a naked man! The female driver was also furious: I see where the fuck you lost!

Dear users, your phone bill is less than 0. 1 yuan. Please pay the phone bill in the near future: selling children, women, rice, iron and blood, land, houses and wives. Thank you for your cooperation! China Telecom

Valentine's Day promotional gifts: Dear male customers, during Valentine's Day, you will buy a set of home brand moisturizing underwear for your lover and give your wife a set of ordinary home brand colored cotton underwear, and only the colored cotton underwear and the full price will be reflected on the credit card. Jiahui underwear zhuangui

I wrote your name all over the sky and was taken away by the clouds. I wrote your name all over the mountain and was taken away by the wind. I wrote your name all over the street, Gao, and was taken away by the police.

In Chinese class, the teacher called a sleepy classmate to answer the questions. The classmate was in a daze and couldn't say anything ... The teacher said, "Is that okay?"? I won't scream either! " Classmate: "cheep"

Dear users, because most of your short messages are sent to the opposite sex, which has caused a very bad impact on society, we have suspended your short message function. Please bring your own bench tomorrow and go to the nearest police station to learn stylistic knowledge!

Yesterday, I dreamed of God, who said he could grant me a wish. I took out my globe and said I wanted world peace. He said it was too difficult to change. I took out your photo and said I want this person to look good. He thought about it and said that I would take another look at the globe.

You go! Find someone worthy of your love … I don't know you and your feelings well enough. I know that some things can't be forced and some distances can't be crossed. Just like yesterday, I really can't believe you left with someone else for a bone.

I think what you think; Wear clothes without styling; I don't get along with anyone; No matter where you go, you are not welcome; I can't keep up with Lenin in thinking; Don't steal if your heart is fine; Pneumonia is atypical!

Monkey finding notice: I lost a hairy monkey. Features: dirty, covered with nose, holding a mobile phone, I can read text messages. I love monkeys. Write back to my master as soon as possible! Master misses you now.

6 When I met 9, I said: Take two steps and practice handstand. 0 meets 8 and says: If you are fat, you will be fat. Why should you wear a belt? 7 meet 2 and say: come on, don't kneel down again, I won't marry you; I haven't seen breast augmentation for several days!

One day, I met a foreign guest. He said, I'm Hong, and the foreign guest said, I'm Fang Qi!

Not every flower can represent love, but roses can; Not every tree can withstand thirst, but poplar can; Not every pig can read text messages, but you did. Congratulations!

You are the sun in my heart, but it is raining; You are the moon in my dream, but it is covered by clouds; You are the most beautiful flower in my heart, but it has already bloomed; You are Chang 'e in the sky, but your face landed first. ...

What's going on here? I called your mobile phone just now, and after the bell rang, the phone prompted a voice saying: The other party is streaking, please redial later. I can't believe it! Dial again and say: Sorry, the subscriber you dialed is out of service area, please redial later.

In my eyes, you always look carefree, eating with relish and sleeping soundly. . . I really envy you. Sometimes I think it's good to be a pig.

Today, I was watching a DVD, and my mother came in with another book and said, tell me what these words mean.

Mom: What does this "I don't know" mean?

I said, "I don't know."

Mom: I sent you to college for several years. How come you don't know anything !

I said: no! I don't know! !

Mom: Still mouth shut! ! ! ! $@%! #$^&； %#$%@$%@#$%! ^%^! ^%$^#&； ..................................................................................................................................................................................

Mom: You're telling me this. What does "I know" mean, mean? You should know. Tell me about it.

I said, "I know."

Mom: Tell me if you know.

I said, "I know."

Mom: Are you finding fault? You just cleaned up a little, didn't you?

I said: I know!

Mom: I know you haven't said it yet! ! Don't pretend to understand! & amp*$%^@$#! % $ @% # * $ # $% (another beating)

Mom: Be careful. You spent so much money to send you to college, and now you can't do anything. You can put on airs in front of my mother for a while. Ask you the last one, you can explain it to me. If you can't tell me I'm cleaning you up, you can translate something for me: "I know but I don't want to tell you."

I fainted, picked up a pillow and hit it on my head for more than 30 times, hit my head against the wall for more than 40 times, slapped my mouth with my hands for more than 50 times, and kicked the corner of the table for more than 60 times. When I was bloody, I asked my mother: Are you satisfied now?

So her old man came to ask me again: "Son, what do you mean, I am anonymous, don't fool me?" "

Me: "I'm bored, so leave me alone."

Mom: "looking for a beating, talking to your mother like this" (so I was beaten)

Mom asked again; "I didn't hear anything, repeat. What do you mean? "

I said, "I didn't hear you clearly. Say it again. "

Mother said it again: I didn't hear anything, repeat it.

"I didn't catch that. Say it again. "

The result was tied.

Mom asked again, "What do you think?"

I said, "What did you say?" (beaten again)

Mother asked again, "What do you mean by looking it up in the dictionary?"

I said, "Look it up in the dictionary."

"Look it up in the dictionary. I asked what you were doing." (beaten)

Mother asked again, "you'd better ask some physical conditions." How do you translate it? "

I said, "You'd better ask someone else."

"You are my son, I ask others why, looking for a fight."

"ah! God help me! "

"Play with your mother, and God won't save you! (beaten)

I ask you again: "Use your head and think again. What does that mean?" "

I said, "Use your head and think again."

"Son of a bitch, you dare to hit me" and then you want to do it.

I quickly said, "It means that only mothers are good in the world."

"Well, that's more like it. I'll make you something to eat later and ask you tomorrow.

Read at your own risk.

A man woke up in the morning and found his wife dead in bed. He jumped up quickly, looked pale, stumbled downstairs and shouted, "Ah Mei! Wish! "

The maid replied, "Sir! "what's the matter

"A boiled egg is enough for breakfast!"

One day, a man walked into a bar, followed by a pig. . . .

The pig lost all four legs and replaced them with four wooden sticks as artificial limbs. . .

The bartender in the shop asked the man, your pig is really strange. Why does it have no feet?

The man replied, my pig is very powerful. I thought our family was still poor and lived in a hut, but this pig finally came.

The hospital sniffed around and found oil, which made me rich, built a house and built a swimming pool.

The bartender was too surprised to speak. After a while, he asked again, by the way, what happened to his foot?

The man said: You know, my pig is very powerful. One day, my five-year-old child drowned alone in the swimming pool. As a result, he jumped into the swimming pool, took my son out and gave him mouth-to-mouth resuscitation!

The bartender was even more surprised and asked, then why his feet? . . . . .

The man began to get a little impatient: I told you, this is a very powerful pig. One day, my house caught fire in the middle of the night. It woke up the whole family and put out the fire alone! !

Bartender: Sir! I'm asking you why your pig has no feet. . . .

The man replied with an unhappy face: if you have such a powerful pig. ......

Will you eat it all at once?

Little x went to the bird market again. Found a parrot with a price tag of 3 yuan money.

So he asked the seller: Why is your parrot so cheap?

Vendor: My parrot is stupid! Shit, I've been teaching for a long time. Up to now, I can only say one thing-"Who is it?"

Xiao X thought it was cheap anyway, so he bought it.

When he got home at night, he thought, "I don't believe in teaching, and I don't believe in teaching!" " So little x taught it to say something else all night.

But in the morning, the parrot still just said, "Who is it?" So little X got angry, locked the door and went to work.

After a while, a gas collector (Z for short) came.

Little Z, "Knock, knock ..." (knocking at the door)

Parrot: Who is it?

Little z: gas inspector.

Parrot: Who is it?

Little z: gas inspector.

Parrot: Who is it?

Little z: gas inspector.

In the evening, little X came back. I saw a man lying on the ground in front of my house, foaming at the mouth.

Little x: yo ~! Who is this?

I heard it in my room: the gas inspector.

Xiao X especially likes parrots. One day he went to the bird walking market and found a parrot with a price of 30,000 yuan.

Curious, he asked the buyer: Why is your parrot so expensive? Buyer: My parrot is very clever! various

Yao will say.

Little X bought it as soon as he heard that he was so clever.

He was very happy when he came home at night. Just play with this parrot.

X: I can walk.

Parrot: I can walk.

X: I can run.

Parrot: I can run.

X: I can fly.

A man kept a parrot. The parrot was so strong that all the other birds in it were killed by it.

Later, the master brought back an eagle and put it together. When the owner came to see it, the parrot's hair hung outside the cage.

The host said, "Not this time."

But on closer inspection, the eagle died, and the parrot said naked, "This grandson is really amazing. If you don't take off your arm, you can't beat Yating. "

There is a bird lover who likes parrots very much. One day, he passed by a bird shop and found a parrot being auctioned inside. He decided to buy it because of its beautiful fur, so he shouted, "I am willing to pay 10 dollars for this parrot!" "

Then someone bid: "I am willing to pay 20 yuan dollars!" "

The bird lover didn't want to give the parrot away, so he called 30 yuan ... but another voice seemed to be against him until the bird lover called 200 yuan. ...

The man was happy to buy a parrot, but it suddenly occurred to him: I spent so much money on this parrot. If it can't talk, wouldn't I lose a lot?

So he went to ask the boss, "boss ... can you talk?"

Then he heard the parrot shout, "Can't talk? ! ? ! Who do you think was bidding to you just now? ! ? ! "

A bird dealer has three parrots. A customer came to have a look, pointed to the first parrot and asked the price.

"1000 yuan." The bird dealer said.

The customer asked in surprise, "Is it so expensive?"

"Of course, because it can use Windows."

"What about this?" The customer pointed to the second one.

"2000, because it can use UNIX"

"Oh, what about the third one?"

"3000。 Will it ...? " The bird dealer shrugged his shoulders and replied, "I don't know what it will be." He pointed to the front.

Two parrots, "but they all call it' CTO'."

A man was walking in the street and saw a businessman selling parrots. Seeing that the parrot was beautiful, he asked the businessman if the parrot could talk.

The businessman said, "Of course! Don't trust me. You hold its right foot. "

The man shook the parrot's right foot according to his words. Only the parrot clearly said, "Hello! Hello! "

The man was very happy. The businessman said, "Hold his left foot again."

The man shook the parrot's left foot as he spoke, only to hear the parrot clearly say, "Goodbye, goodbye ..."

This man is happier. He bought this parrot at once.

After returning home, I am in heaven. Touch the parrot's left foot for a while. Touch the parrot's right foot for a while.

The parrot also obediently said: Goodbye. Hello.

It suddenly occurred to him: What would it say if I put its feet together?

As soon as he grabbed the parrot's foot.

Only the parrot said loudly, "xxxx! You want to throw me to death! ? "

1, there was once a eunuch. .....

Below/below/below .....

It has gone down. ......

2, tell you a story, the beginning of the story is terrible, the middle is very funny, and the result is very sad; The story goes like this:

Once upon a time there was a ghost. .......

I farted. .......

dead .......