I want to tell some jokes to my girlfriend, and some of them are sent to me. E-mail address is 459647898@qq.com, thank you!

A Fu teaches in a primary school. He is tall and dignified, but he stammers when he is nervous. During an invigilation, he found a classmate cheating. He angrily pointed to the cheating students and shouted, "You ... you ... you ... you ... you ... you dare to cheat, stand up for me!" ! "After that, nine students stood up.

A couple of lovers were caught by a savage in the mountains and said that you would let you go if you ate each other's shit. The lover did it. On the way home, the woman cried. The man asked her why, and the woman said sadly, you don't love me, otherwise you won't pull so much!

Two tigers, two tigers, want to get married, want to get married, all men, all men, really abnormal, really abnormal!

A beautiful woman is wearing a coat with the word "99" on her chest. The foreigner wanted to praise her, but he forgot how to say "9" in Chinese. So the foreigner said to the lady, "Miss, your two' nine, nine' s are really beautiful!"

A shop keeps a partridge hanging at the door. When customers came in, they said "welcome". A girl walked back and forth six times in disbelief, and the partridge said it six times. For the seventh time, the partridge said angrily, "Boss, someone is playing with your bird!" "

The ant saw the elephant swimming and said, Come on up! The elephant climbed up, and the ant looked at it and said, get down! Elephant Anger: What are you doing? The ant said, nothing. I lost my swimming trunks. Let's see if you are wearing them.

In a public toilet, Mr. A was constipated and couldn't pull it out for a long time. At this time, another man, Mr. B, rushed in and just squatted down, pulling slowly. After listening, Mr. A said, "Dude, I really envy you. You are so happy." Mr. B said, "What is there to envy? I haven't taken off my pants yet ... "

Weibo asked: Is there any good way to pursue the love of a bank counter MM? Boyou replied: save money ~ then if you don't take the passbook, she will stop you ... Bank sister: Hey, your passbook! The blogger replied with a smile: it's your passbook! ! ! !

During the summer vacation, the father said to his son, "Baby, it's a holiday. Dad will take you to climb the Great Wall. " The son thought for a moment and said, "forget it, I won't go." Climbing the Great Wall will cost you several pounds of flesh. The price of meat is so expensive now, save it. " Dad: ". . . . . . "

One day, the manager visited the business department and found a small clerk smoking, so the manager said to the small clerk: You can't smoke at work! Who knows the clerk answered unhurriedly: Yes, so I didn't work when I smoked!

Camping in the wild, in the middle of the night, A asked B: "We can see the stars all over the sky when we open our eyes. What do you mean? " B replied, "It means tomorrow will be fine again! What's wrong? " A: "Fool, our tent was stolen.

Xiaoming was expelled from school for fighting. A girl in the same class chased him to his house and said to him, "What shall I do if you leave? Xiao Ming's mother was anxious and asked him, "What's your relationship? Xiao Ming was puzzled and said, "It doesn't matter? ! I saw the girl say, "If you leave, I will be the last one. "? "

A fat lady said to her husband, "I'm going swimming." It is said that you can lose weight. " Husband: "That's a lie. Look at that whale.

The old couple went to take pictures, and the photographer asked, "Grandpa, do you want side light, backlight or full light?" Grandpa said shyly, "I don't care." Can you leave a pair of underwear for your aunt? "

A magician has a parrot, but the parrot always exposes the magician's magic. The magician was very angry. Once a magician traveled to sea, the ship hit a rock and sank, but the magician and the parrot didn't hang up. They grabbed a piece of wood and stared at each other. As a result, three days passed The fourth day, the parrot couldn't help it. He said, "Brother, I lost. Where did you say you changed the boat?"

On the Mid-Autumn Festival, I went to sing with a friend. A friend said to his girlfriend affectionately, "I give this song to my lover." (Singing) You asked me how much I love you ... Mooncakes represent my heart. " "

"When does the next train come in?" A child asked. "Naughty, I have told you five times. The train pulls in at 4: 44. " "I know." The child replied, "I like to watch your beard stand up at 4: 44."

A farmer's daughter is too ugly to marry! The farmer had to let her go to the cornfield as a scarecrow to scare crows. As a result, she got there and really scared away the crows! A few days later, the crow sent back the corn he had stolen before!

Late at night ... mother: you dead girl, you are only 15 years old, and you don't go home all day, not even your mother's 30th birthday! ! !

My son came home trembling: "Dad, I only got 60 points in the exam today." Dad is very angry: "Don't call me dad if you fail the exam next time!" " The son came back the next day: "Sorry, brother!

The beauty asked the doctor cheerfully, "I want to have breast enhancement, but what effect will it have after breast enhancement?" The doctor calmly replied: "There are generally four results after breast enhancement! 1, big difference 2, big difference 3, big difference 4, big difference! "

The husband can't stand the torture of his fierce wife, so he runs away from home and lives in a hotel. The owner of the hotel opened a room for him and said ingratiatingly, "Living in this room will make you feel at home." Hearing this, the man shouted, "God, please change my room quickly!" "

After their quarrel, the couple reconciled. The wife said: I'm sorry! I scratched your face and left a scar. What should I do when walking on the road? Husband replied: it doesn't matter, I just need to hold a cat in my hand.

I just saw on the school forum that the new grade 1 1 primary school brothers and sisters are coming soon. 10 senior sister discount promotion, 09 senior sister free of charge, 08 senior sister has been removed. ..

1. A gecko got lost in front of a securities company when a crocodile just climbed up to eat it. In desperation, the little gecko hugged the crocodile's leg and shouted, "Mom!" " Crocodile is stupefied, immediately burst into tears: "Son, you've just been trading stocks for half a month and you're so thin?" ? ! "

2. My wife spent a lot of money on plastic surgery and turned into a beautiful woman to go home in a few days! When he came in, he said to his puzzled husband, "What? Don't know me? " The husband paused, then said in surprise, "Come in quickly, my wife is not at home."

After working in the company, several computers get together to fight the landlord, and the water dispenser also plays. He loses every time, but he still insists on taking part every day. The sofa didn't understand, so she asked the chair, "The water dispenser is lost every day. Why are you still playing so hard? " ? The chairman said, "Are you out of your mind to ask such a question?

There are five eggs in the refrigerator. The first said to the second: Hey ~ Look ~ The fifth egg has Mao Mao ~ ~ It's terrible ~! The second said to the third: Hey ~ Look ~ The fifth egg has Mao Mao ~ ~ It's terrible, it's terrible ~! The third said to the fourth: Hey ~ Look ~ The fifth egg has Mao Mao ... The fifth egg heard it: get out ~! Lao zi is kiwi fruit ~! ! !

6. Xiaoming: "Wow, why is your face so swollen?" Xiaole: "Alas, I was bitten by a mosquito when I was boating with my father yesterday. . . "Xiao Ming:" So swollen, you must have been stung by it for a long time? " Xiaole: "As soon as it stopped in my face, it was killed by my father with an oar." Xiao Ming: "! ! ! "

7. You are beautiful. You are very beautiful. Parrot has a round nose and legs, and its personality is a bit like Zhang Fei. Its beard and eyebrows are like running water. It is most afraid of seeing your mouth open, and people born with buck teeth will fly in fear. When they see you, they will shrink back and shout that they have met a ghost.

9. A man was starving in the desert when he found the magic lamp. Magic lamp: "I can only realize your one wish." Hurry up, I'm in a hurry. " Man: "I want a wife." The magic lamp immediately turned into a beauty, and then said disdainfully, "I'm starving, greedy for beauty!" Pathetic! " Then he disappeared. Man: "... cake."

There is a fight between rice and steamed buns, and there are many people in the rice. When you see something with a package, you hit it, and no one is spared, including sugar packets, meat packets and steamed dumplings. Zongzi was forced to the corner, but in desperation, she tore her clothes and shouted, you see clearly, I am undercover!

When you enter the examination room for the college entrance examination, you need to write the word "benefit", but you can't write the word "benefit" or think about it. . . . . . Surprise! Bring a bottle of drink into the examination room during the exam. The bottle cap has the words "Thank you for your patronage", which should be the same as the word "En". Sneaking, pretending to drink water, unscrewing the bottle caps one by one. Dizzy! ! ! ! I saw the cover impressively printed with "another bottle"! ..

When I was a child, my parents took me home one day and caught me in the middle when I was walking. I don't know which nerve took the wrong line, so I sang a song for smoking, "A chicken in my left hand and a duck in my right hand." My father glared at me and slapped me. Who knows, my mother sang "Let me vomit blood at once." There is a toad in the middle, gnome male-",a virtue. "

I went on holiday and stayed with a distant relative for two days. There is a custom that children's urine is the cleanest, so they use boys' urine to cook eggs, saying it is healthy. I dare not eat, but people are very enthusiastic and keep urging me to eat. I have no choice but to say, "I don't like eggs." My relatives are cuter. Hey, have some soup.

Little dandelion cried and asked her father, "Dad, Dad, why should I fall in love with the same sex?" Dad patted the little dandelion on the shoulder and cried together, saying, because there is no English in the world. . .

One day, I took my little nephew to Yuquan to worship God. I am burning incense and my father is lighting candles. When my nephew saw the candle, he immediately shouted to the idol: Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you! Then the Taoist priest nearby collapsed. . . . . . (simple children can't afford to hurt ~)

Yesterday, I changed the alarm clock of my mobile phone to my favorite song. As a result, the alarm clock rang in the morning and I woke up. Then I listened to the alarm song more and more, and then fell asleep intoxicated. ...

At three o'clock at noon, when the scorching sun was in the sky, the supervisor gave an order: chop! Suddenly, the condemned man burst out laughing, and the executioner asked, Why are you laughing? The condemned man hesitated for a moment and said, The expert is right. A smile every day can prolong your life by 5 seconds. . .

Once I sat at the counter, so I didn't have to fill out the form. A MM took 100 yuan in cash. After typing the list, I asked her to sign it After receiving it, I saw that the signature was actually "100 yuan"!

The teacher frowned and asked a truant student, "Why did you skip class?" The student replied sweetly: "I suddenly found myself handsome in the morning, so I looked in the mirror all day and found myself really handsome!" "

The company has a new internship assistant. Every time she comes, she always likes to bring some snacks and so on, and there must be several bags of Snickers at a time (the kind that sweeps away hunger, you know). After several times, whenever she came to the company, everyone would say: holiday ... holiday is coming ... we have food!

African black girls travel to Shanghai and stay in hotels. Fire in the middle of the night. The African woman ran out quickly. A fireman was surprised to see it and said, my god, it's all burnt, running so fast! ! -

There is a little girl whose head looks like a brick. One day, she asked her mother: Is my head a brick? His mother doesn't know what to say, just say you go to the well and take a picture. Hardly had she reached the well when she heard someone shouting at the bottom of the well: Grandson, try again!

Southerners often regard people who weigh things as relatives. One day, I heard this conversation in the vegetable market. An aunt shouted at a housewife: I don't believe you, come and kiss me, I don't want money!