How to summarize without anxiety

The word "anxiety" is no stranger to us. There are many things in life that can trigger this emotion.

I'm afraid I can't earn enough money, I'm afraid I can't afford to buy a house, I'm afraid I've chosen the wrong career, I'm afraid I'll be rejected, I'm afraid I won't find my ideal partner, I'm afraid I can't choose a good school for my children, I'm afraid I can't get along well, I'm afraid I can't realize my ideal, I'm afraid I can't live the life I want ... You're also afraid that "the times will abandon you without even saying hello". All kinds of "fears" will cause your anxiety, but the more anxious you are, the more you delay, the more difficult you are, the more anxious you are, forming an endless cycle.

? If you don't think these things are serious, you probably don't realize that you are also anxious. Imagine, have you ever experienced such a scene?

One night, you can't find your ID card. Are you sure it's at home, and you won't need it anytime soon? Even if you have an important job to get up early tomorrow, you can't help but want to find it right away. Although I know I shouldn't think about it, I can wait for it to appear on its own. I've had a similar experience before, and everything turned out inadvertently. But at this point, you are forcing yourself to find it. You will be nervous and feel that something is wrong if you can't find this thing. Only when you find it can you sleep, which is also a manifestation of deep anxiety.

? How can we get rid of anxiety and live more easily? The book How to Stop Anxiety gives us the answer. This book was written by three experts in the field of psychology. They have won the Outstanding Contribution Award in Psychology and the Outstanding Psychologist Award of Florida Psychological Association.

The book How to Stop Anxiety takes you to understand anxiety from daily stories and provides real examples and methods to help you fight anxiety. Compared with other books on emotional management, How to Stop Anxiety is a self-help book for the layman of psychology. It is light in style and clear in logic, and can really help those who are troubled by anxiety.

? The subtitle of this book is "Dedicated to you who are not calm when you are in trouble!" After learning this book, you can effectively relieve anxiety and treat life more calmly. We will interpret the essence of this book for you in three parts:

? First of all, you will know that the source of anxiety is fear. What kind of fear is the main source of anxiety? At the same time, you will know what the cause of anxiety is and how to express it with the simplest formula.

Then, I will introduce you to two very important methods: communication and setting boundaries, which can help you better cope with the anxiety caused by interpersonal relationships.

Finally, I will introduce a systematic way to stay away from anxiety and help you overcome deep-rooted anxiety and fear.

Next, we begin to study the first part: let's face the causes of fear and anxiety together.

Anxiety arises when you feel threatened. This threat may be directed at your life, such as a car accident or robbery. However, more often, anxiety comes from some non-fatal factors, such as being fired soon, breaking up a relationship or losing something precious.

Sometimes, threats seem to have deadly power; Sometimes, the anxiety caused by threats is just a vague fear of the unknown road. It always points to the future and always conveys dangerous information.

If you are threatened by something you care about, you may not get it, you may not do it well, you may have unacceptable results, and you will be anxious. So the first element of anxiety is threat. You can also simply understand fear and fear. In this regard, the book gives three major fears that lead to anxiety:

The first is to worry about insufficient resources, such as lack of money. Why is everyone afraid of lack of money? Because money resources can give us a certain material foundation. Lack of money will limit people's choices, make them feel depressed, and even feel scared because their basic life is not guaranteed.

Being rich means freedom of choice. You can't do this or that because of lack of money.

Due to the influence of mainstream social values, money is equivalent to success and self-worth for some people; For most people, money also represents a sense of security and peace.

Because money can buy resources, resources mentioned here are not limited to material things, but also include time resources, energy resources, learning resources and so on. Time is not enough, energy is always not enough, and if we want to learn more but can't digest it, it will cause our anxiety.

The second is fear of the unknown, such as changing jobs or living in another city.

People are often fragile and naturally eager for stability. Unknown means uncertainty, and a person's life state is at risk of being broken at any time.

Although the unknown will contain some opportunities and positive things. But usually we turn a blind eye to this and focus on things that may bring destruction, stress and threats.

In fact, this is closely related to human evolution. It is precisely because of our strong sense of danger that we try our best to avoid or resolve difficulties and pass them on from generation to generation. This is the second common fear, and we often hear that "getting out of the comfort zone" is a manifestation of overcoming this fear.

The third is fear of rejection and denial. This is more common, such as the boss's bad evaluation of you, the object you like will reject you and so on.

The reason is simple: we all want to be recognized and respected by others, which means that our sense of value has been affirmed. Being rejected and denied will make us feel very sad and our self-esteem will be frustrated. An important interview, we are afraid of being brushed off; A major signing, we are afraid of being rejected; A grand speech, we are afraid not to be hated.

Rejection and negation are not terrible in themselves, but the consequences we have to bear. This kind of consequence is often infinitely magnified in our hearts, which intensifies our fears. The above is the first element of anxiety, the threat brought by fear. Let's look at another element: attention.

Another component of anxiety is worry. Without care, there will be no anxiety. Caring refers to caring about people or things. If this job is meaningless and you have other good alternatives, then you won't have so many expectations for it and you won't be so anxious to lose it. On the contrary, it is very different.

If you are a student and study is the most important thing in your life, then every exam is enough to make you nervous. Think about it carefully, all the situations that cause anxiety in your life-the boss's evaluation of your performance, whether your child can choose a good school, and whether he loves me or not-are because you care about the results of these things.

Before I did not speculate in stocks, the ups and downs of stocks would not cause any emotional fluctuations until I started to speculate in stocks; I am happy when the stock goes up, and I am lost when it goes down. Especially during the stock market crash, I was worried that my hard-earned money would be wasted.

Combining the above two elements, the formula of anxiety is: anxiety = threat+worry. You can recall what you have experienced recently that makes you feel anxious, what you care about, and what threats you feel. For example, the child's health, he is not well recently, and you love him very much and care about him very much.

? Now, you already know that anxiety stems from your worry being threatened; You also know that family and friends are very important to you and you care about them, so it is easy to infer that interpersonal relationships will be an important source of anxiety; Obviously, in real life, you can't control the people you love, all you can do is respond to them appropriately.

Then, let's learn the second part of this book: the way to point to the anxiety caused by interpersonal relationships: establishing communication and boundaries.

The book says: "Anxiety is usually a by-product of confusion, unclear boundaries, poor communication, unresolved problems and lack of control." This sentence means that when things are chaotic, people are more likely to feel anxious, and the natural enemies of anxiety are clarity and organization. This is especially true in communication.

? What is good communication? First of all, it must be clear, concise and focused. Whether you are communicating with your spouse, children or courier brother, you must convey the information clearly.

Advanced requirements are not ambiguous and leave no room for misunderstanding.

Finally, it is best to express your feelings in the first person, which can not only avoid blaming yourself and complaining about others, but also remind you not to forget to let the other person feel that you love him, value him and appreciate him in any suitable place.

What is the boundary? We humans have a psychological boundary, which ensures that each individual can exist as an independent person.

Everyone has their own independent life, independent thoughts, independent emotions and so on. Everyone has the right to choose his own angle and strength to perceive the world. Because this psychological boundary is invisible and intangible, it is often ignored. However, we can feel it when the border is violated. Especially close people.

? The boundaries in the family are unclear, often under the guise of "love", obviously imposing their own preferences and expectations. On others, I also put on a hat of "for your own good": parents force their children to study for your own good, which may actually alleviate their anxiety about future uncertainty; It is "for your own good" to stop your family from making new attempts. In fact, it may just project your powerlessness to the other party, and this projection itself may limit the ability of the other party; It is "for your own good" to constantly pass on your life experience to each other, which may actually hinder each other from truly facing the world.

? In short, when a family member lacks psychological boundaries, it is possible to naturally invade the psychological space of others, and the invaded person will make all kinds of resistance to protect himself. Therefore, there will be many conflicts between the bright and the dark, which will cause anxiety.

Impeccable boundaries will let the important people in your life know that you can't control them, and you are willing to respond to them by controlling yourself. For example, you can say, "If you hit me again, I'll call the police" or "I'll deduct money for overdue papers".

You can think about it. Who are you nervous about in real life? Did your parents urge you to get married or did your partner let you do what he thought? The other party violated your boundaries and made you a little anxious. What do you want to say to him most if you don't consider the consequences?

Considering the consequences and communication skills, how to set clear boundaries? It takes courage and wisdom. But first of all, you must understand that everyone has their own boundaries and deserves mutual respect. I look forward to your brave attempt to ease your anxiety.

The same is true at work. When your boss asks you to help him with the housework, you will feel that you are out of the scope of work and feel uncomfortable.

It sounds like a joke, but I have met such a boss. He asked the driver to help him pick up his wife and send the children, asked the financial staff to buy him very personal items, and asked the employees to work overtime to clean his house, but it felt natural. Obviously, he confused the boundary between work and life, and the source of confusion was his psychological interior, lacking psychological boundary.

The lack of psychological boundaries will lead to confusion in relationships. The boss mentioned above seems to confuse work with life. In fact, his confusion does not stop there.

First of all, his management must be chaotic. When a manager can't tell the boundaries between work and life, and can't tell the responsibilities and obligations that each of himself and his employees should bear, management will naturally be in a mess; Secondly, his employees will collapse in their hearts, because he lacks psychological boundaries, which leads to his unhealthy feelings in interpersonal relationships. You are you, I am me, and all the emotions are mixed together, and I can't tell who they belong to.

The most direct way to set boundaries in work is to clarify responsibilities. Play your social role well. Just like the superheroes in the movies, they actually live the ordinary lives of ordinary people in their daily lives.

It was not until the task came that we went into battle and released energy. You should do the same, don't worry about the pressure brought by unfinished work in life; Don't worry about things in life or other people's comments at work.

Above, we introduced a more intuitive way to relieve anxiety: clear communication and establish boundaries. It's all about direct, visible and easily felt anxiety.

However, sometimes, we are faced with less obvious chronic anxiety. Although the intensity is not great, it has long-term interference and influence on our lives. How to solve these problems? Let's enter the third part of the study: a systematic method to stay away from anxiety and help you overcome deep-rooted anxiety and fear.

? Your life is running normally, there is nothing to complain about, and there is no big change. Even so, I still feel unhappy in the morning, and it is difficult to have a pure rest and complete relaxation. An all-weather, persistent, unrealistic, obvious tension written on your face hangs over you.

Going home and lying in bed at night, thinking that life should have been different, this feeling is even worse than worrying about specific things.

If you have similar feelings, you may fall into the pit of anxiety. You may have been avoiding unpredictable, unchangeable and uncontrollable things, because they are not so urgent, but you know in your heart that they are important and you can't ignore them.

So I don't want to think on the surface, but I can't help thinking. The more I think about it, the more worried I am. The more I think about it, the more I feel. Sometimes it's a big event, and more often it's a small thing in daily life. For a simple example, do you have a slight obsessive-compulsive disorder of locking the door? As soon as I went out, I suspected that the door was unlocked and kept thinking. But when I went back to check, it was actually locked every time. A funny way is to do an action after locking the door to make sure that you have locked the door. For example, lock the door before going out. This confirmation can help you feel at ease. But after a long time, a confirmation action is still not at ease, so just after this gesture, put your hands up and make sure they are locked! After a long time, I found that these two actions have become a habit, and I still feel uneasy after finishing them. Finally, I have to finish a set of radio gymnastics before I can go out safely.

? Locking the door seems simple, but it represents your fear of insecurity, so you will be anxious. What is the difference between anxiety and fear? Theoretically speaking, it is very simple: anxiety is often caused by vague and unknown things from the future; Fear usually means stronger emotions, and the incentives behind it are concrete and equal to the present.

Studies have found that just expressing emotions can alleviate people's pain. Therefore, realizing that your fears are benign and not fatal will further alleviate the pain. So how to judge whether this fear is real or not and whether it is worth worrying about again and again?

If we want to further relieve anxiety, we need a systematic method to stay away from anxiety: exposure and response blocking therapy. This word sounds a little scary, and the medical explanation is "exposing patients to what they are most worried about, but not allowing them to react by escaping or running away." According to the research of behavioral psychologists, if you have to be exposed to the most fearful stimulus for a long time, you will get used to it and the fear reaction will naturally disappear.

? Exposure blocking therapy, which sounds more direct, why should it be included in the systematic method? Because it needs to grasp the scale of operation, it will be better to be operated by a professional psychological counselor. It is also a very effective method. Studies have proved that it is very effective for general anxiety caused by obsessive-compulsive disorder.

In fact, in daily life, many people can't calm down when they have troubles. If they are exposed to the problem, it is likely to help them realize that the problem does not really exist, so as to let go of the burden.

In practical application, we can adopt the method of preview in advance. Rehearse a scene you may encounter in your mind, expose yourself to a scene that scares you, and see what will happen and whether it will make you die of fear or anxiety. For example, if you are about to attend a report meeting, the result of the report will determine whether you are promoted or fired; You are about to give a speech in front of 200 people, which is an unprecedented experience; Tomorrow you will meet your future mother-in-law for the first time, but I hear she is very picky. Please select multiple scenes and preview them in advance. Think carefully about what will happen in these three imaginary scenes. If you can calmly analyze and practice seriously, you will find that it is not as terrible as you think.

Even if something bad really happened, you experienced it once in your mind, and you had expectations and preparations, didn't you?

The above is the research of the third part of this book. For chronic anxiety, you can face the problem directly and expose yourself to the scene of fear and anxiety is only the first step.

If you are willing to continue to study deeply: concentration, faith, mindfulness and meditation, there is always a way to help you.

The Bible says, "Don't worry about tomorrow, because tomorrow has its own worries". This sentence means that there are really many troubles in life and you won't feel bored at all. It's no use being bored. Many people spend their whole lives just waiting for the beginning of life.

How to relax? How to pay more attention to the present? The first thing to do is not to be anxious.

Ok, let's summarize the core content of this book:

First of all, we learned the formula of anxiety, and learned that what makes you anxious is not the thing itself, but your understanding of it.

There are two places where people can intervene in anxiety: either change their understanding of threats or change another variable of anxiety, your worry.

Secondly, we learned how to effectively reduce the anxiety caused by interpersonal relationships through good communication and establishing boundaries.

Finally, the systematic method to relieve anxiety makes us understand that I will feel nervous only when I think about what will happen or what has already happened, and I will not be so afraid when I really go to war.

Uncertainty, uncertainty is more anxious, and rehearsing in your mind can help you overcome this.

Psychologist Dr. Richard Carlson put forward two ways to deal with anxiety in his book Don't worry about trifles: first, don't worry about trifles; Second, everything is trivial. These two philosophical words also remind us that there are few things in the world, but our anxiety is real and many worries are actually unnecessary.

There are many things that will bring anxiety to others, but it seems normal to you; There must be a lot of things that seem anxious to you, but not serious to others.

You can look at the problem from another angle, or talk to your friends and teachers, so that you can look at the problem more rationally than others. What does anxiety mean to you? What does it inspire you? What do you find by analyzing other people's misconceptions?

? Through the study of this book, I hope you can be inspired and look at the problem from another angle. On the basis of today's learning content, it will help you to better relieve anxiety.