Jokes and stories heard by first-year students

Civilized language

Xiaoming raised his hand in class.

Teacher: Xiaoming? what's up

Xiaoming: Teacher, I want to shit!

Teacher: This is a civilized society. Please speak in civilized language!

Xiao Ming: Teacher, my ass wants to vomit!

Second,

Steal a car

There was a man whose car was always lost, so one night, he added three locks to his bike and put a piece of paper on it, which read: Let you steal it! ! !

The next morning, he was about to unlock the lock and go to work, only to find another lock. A piece of paper was posted on the car, which read: Let you ride!

Third,

irrigation canals and ditches

There are two brothers. My brother is lame and my brother is blind! One day, the blind brother was riding a bicycle, and his brother was sitting in the back seat. The two brothers are in tandem. Suddenly, the lame brother found a ditch in front of him. They were not far from it. So my brother shouted, "ditch, ditch, ditch!" " "(Go, go, go) The younger brother smiled and said," Whoa, whoa, whoa! ~~"

Fourth,

Shut up, please

Shut up and trouble are two little boys. They are friends, but sometimes they fight! One day, they each bought an ice cream. They accidentally dropped the ice cream, so he grabbed it and ran away. Shut up and chase for a long time, but I didn't catch up and began to cry. Just then, a policeman came up and asked to shut up: "What's your name, little friend?" Shut up and answer, "Shut up." The policeman was a little angry and asked again, but he got the same answer. This time the policeman was really angry and said, "Are you looking for trouble?" Shut up, nod and say, "Yes! That trouble robbed me of my ice cream. "

Five,

wind direction

I remember the first teacher who died because of me. At that time, I was in the first grade of primary school, and my teacher took us to the wild to do natural practice classes. Seeing the spring breeze blowing green, I asked, classmates, do you know how to tell the wind direction? I know, a little girl in my class picked up a leaf and floated into the air: picked up a leaf and floated into the air to see where it floated. The teacher praised it, very good, so who else would like to show it to you again? Me. I volunteered, picked up half a brick from the ground and floated into the air. ...

Teacher, it's blowing up and down now!

Six,

short-sighted

A patient with super myopia went to see a doctor and said to the doctor

I can't see anything,

The doctor took him to the door, pointed to Sun and said

"What's that?"

The patient said flatly

"Isn't that the sun?"

Doctor, ask me a question.

"Sir, how far do you want to see?"

Seven,

Fishing; catch fish

A rich old man was fishing by the lake with a fishing rod. First, he used leaves as bait, but no fish took the bait for a long time.

Later, biscuits were used as bait, but no fish took the bait for a long time.

I thought about it and changed the earthworm as bait, but no fish took the bait.

At this time, he lost his temper and took out 100 yuan from his pocket and threw it on the lake and roared.

"Buy whatever you want to eat."

Eight,

Chasing cars

I caught the bus in the morning, and when I got to the platform, the bus had already left. So I had to chase and shout: "Master, wait for me! Master, wait for me! " Then a passenger leaned out of the window and said to me, "Stop chasing Bajie."

Nine,

Extension ring

A very fat woman got on the bus and couldn't find a seat, so she had to pull the pull ring on the bus. Unexpectedly, the driver suddenly braked, and the fat woman pulled off the pull ring and jumped in front of the driver. The driver looked at her and the pull ring on her hand and said angrily, "There are three sets. Send the driver an autographed photo!" "

Ten,

like cleanliness

A beautiful lady took out a tissue from her bag and wiped her seat hard after getting on the bus. When she was about to sit down, she farted. A gentleman next to him listened and joked that the young lady really loves hygiene. After rubbing for so long, she still wants to blow!

Eleven,

Shenzhou VI

Tang Priest: This time we need to find a shortcut to learn from the scriptures!

Wukong: Flying is faster than riding!

Bajie: Shenzhou VI is faster!

Friar Sand pulled out his gun and said, I heard this thing will be sent to the west at once.

Twelve,

breathe

A motorcyclist likes to wear clothes backwards, that is, buckle his buttons at the back to keep out the wind. One day, he drove under the influence of alcohol, overturned and fell headlong on the side of the road.

When the police arrived, ...

Policeman A: What a terrible car accident.

Policeman B: Yes, I hit my head in the back.

Officer A: Well, he's still breathing. Let's help him turn his head back.

Policeman B: OK ... One, two, push, turn around.

Officer A: Well, I'm not breathing. ......

Thirteen,

human

Q: Who is the darkest cartoon character in the world?

A: Robot cat

Why: Because he can't see his fingers.

Q: Who is the most compassionate cartoon character in the world?

A: It's still a robot cat

Why: Because he always reaches out his round hand to people!

Fourteen,

Wife ~ ~ ~ cake

A man was starving in the desert when he found the magic lamp.

Magic lamp: "I can only realize your one wish." Hurry up, I'm in a hurry. "

Man: "I want a wife ..."

The magic lamp immediately conjured up a beautiful woman, and then said disdainfully, "I'm starving and I'm greedy for beauty!" " Pathetic! "Then he disappeared.

Man: "... cake."

Grandma's cake is a kind of cake.

15,

Dead Man

A man ventured alone in the forest and suddenly found himself surrounded by cannibals. So he shouted to the sky, "I'm dead, God help me!" " "

I saw a voice falling from the sky at the first light: "Not necessarily, you can pick up a big stone on the ground and kill the leader." So he picked up the biggest stone on the ground and threw it at the chief, just killing him. All the people stayed for a while, then glared at each other. At this moment, another voice came from the sky: "Now you are really dead."

16,

Win "Mao"

My mother and I are watching the Olympic Games.

Me: "Oh! China leads 12 points! Oh! We will win! "

Mom: "What's wrong with winning? You must win! No taste! ! "

Seventeen,

dirty word

Dad and I are hanging clothes.

I pointed to a dress and said, "Dad, whose dress is this?"

Dad: "Fuck you!"

Me: "Dad, swear!"

Dad: "Your mother's adult's."

Mom: "That's more like it!"

Landlord, give some hard work, it's all typed word by word! Tired, knocking for an hour! !