Essay: Memories of Youth

When I met Zhu Qian, I was still a grass growing in a lush campus. I am a little reckless, with the sensitivity and sadness of my youth.

The summer vacation of my sophomore year came, and I found a well-paid job. I was in charge of computer learning for nine children in the summer camp of a computer training center. Zhu Qian is the academic director of the training center.

He is a famous genius in the Chinese Department of our school. He is a senior, two years older than me, and has long hair. He is a handsome guy with great personality and infinite charm. Many people think he is an art student when they see him. He always tells them with a smile that I am engaged in literature. Because of this relationship, we soon became familiar with each other. He is like a seed accidentally blown into my heart, and even in the hot summer, it takes root tenaciously.

He likes to ride his bike to the lake near the camp alone in the early morning. With the singing of woodbirds, he begins to recite English and beautiful poems. At noon, he will have dinner and chat with young teachers and talk about teaching arrangements and travel plans. Sometimes, the joke makes people unable to close their mouths, and the food in their mouths can be spit out. At dusk, when the sun is about to set, he will take his children to play football on the playground. A patchwork football will fly diagonally across the sky with Xia Hong's laughter.

I appreciate these memories every day and regard Zhu Qian's words and deeds as warm sunshine and moist rain and dew. As long as he is happy, I will have unspeakable happiness in my heart. He made me interested in boys for the first time, as if I suddenly had such a crazy idea and wanted to pursue him. For the first time in my life, I feel that he is the kind of boy I want to pursue. Is my long-awaited prince charming.

So every morning, even if I am sleepy again, I force myself to get up at 6 o'clock and go to the lake for morning reading. I often pretend to meet him inadvertently, say hello and go to one side to read aloud. That year, I was 19 years old. Because I had him in my heart, I felt that life was particularly meaningful. In the face of such an encounter, I am full of joy but at a loss, and I don't know how to deal with this feeling. All I can think about is a boy named Zhu Qian. Whenever I see him, I always smile at him unconsciously and feel that he is all to me. Just like a crystal cup filled with sweet grapes and wine, it feels so beautiful and sweet.

I am ashamed of my first love, and I listen to cicadas on summer nights. Sometimes, I am always awakened by a strange feeling, perhaps because I miss it day and night. I always dream of him holding my hand and walking slowly by the pond. Occasionally, I will snuggle up to him and smell the smell of his unique man.

The summer vacation will soon be over, and Zhu Qian and I are both back at school. We still interact as friends. But I didn't confess to him, because at this time, I heard many people say that my classmate Su Meng is Zhu Qian's hometown, and the relationship between Su Meng and Zhu Qian is so complicated and even incredible in the eyes of most students. Many students know that Su Meng likes Zhu Qian very much. They stand together really like a pair of golden couple, as if they were made for each other. Su Meng is also a famous talented woman in our department. She is the first in almost every exam. When she was a freshman, she actually passed Band 6. But we have never seen Zhu Qian walking hand in hand with her. Zhu Qian seems indifferent to Su Meng's persistent pursuit. Everyone can't figure out why. Talk about friends again. Too close contact makes people who like them envy to death. Besides, men and women in love. But they just don't like it. They are almost as inseparable as everyone else. They are all free.

In fact, I don't want to know what happened to them, but I know that since I left that summer, Zhu Qian has been getting farther and farther away from me. Sitting behind Su Meng in class, there is always a sense of inferiority. Compared with Su Meng, I am not as beautiful as her, and I have no proud talent. In my opinion, they are so well matched. Why should I be the third party among them? I think I should give up. Maybe giving up is the best choice I made this fall.

Every day, I only dare to secretly follow them, secretly watch Zhu Qian talking to Su Meng with a smile, and only dare to write down Zhu Qian's name again and again in my diary, so that he can slowly melt into my hands.

Gradually, I became less talkative and only used one diary after another to kill time every day. My classmates are used to my silence, and no one will know how painful and desperate I am.

I believe that first love is an imperfect process in life. For me, this is not first love, but unrequited love. The pain of unrequited love is incomparable to first love. Someone once said that the biggest sorrow of loving someone is that you stand in front of him and he doesn't know that you love him. Things are often so cruel. It seems destiny takes a hand.

Soon, I graduated from Zhu Qian. On that maddening summer night, Zhu Qian invited many friends to gather in the karaoke bar near the school to sing and dance together. I sat in the dark corner of the karaoke room, and I looked at him and Su Meng sadly, watching them singing love songs in front of the screen.

Everyone was drunk that day, and finally Su Meng sat in the chair next to me, humming an old song vaguely. Zhu shallow sitting opposite us has been laughing, seems to have something to say.

At this time, I don't know who played a prank, and the lights in the room and on the screen suddenly went out. I grabbed Xu's hand in horror, but I was held by a gentle big hand and fell into a familiar embrace.

The melody of Love Dust was still playing in the ballroom, and suddenly there was a gentle wet kiss on the cheek.

It's Zhu Qian. He's whispering to me: Silly girl, in fact, I've always liked you. Promise me that you will study hard and I will come back for you when you graduate.

My heart was pounding, and the sudden ecstasy knocked me down. I pushed him away shyly and flustered, and in the darkness of laughter, I felt my whole face burning.

Then the light came on. I saw Zhu Qian standing in the middle of the room and picked up the microphone. Our eyes met across the crowd, and he gave a naughty and meaningful smile, and then calmly turned away.

At this moment, birds are singing, and Yinger is singing in my heart. I think I am the ugly duckling who fled over the fence into the forest. Because of Zhu Qian's love, I no longer shrink back in the withered grass, but long to be an elegant black swan. I told myself that even the excellent girl Meng didn't get the favor, so I must be better than her. When Zhu Qian comes back to me, she can spread her wings strong enough to fly with him and me.

A few days later, Zhu Qian left school. When he left, we said nothing about the agreement. I didn't even go to the station to see him off. But I know I must live a wonderful life for him. When I really become a black swan, I will stand proudly beside him and tell him that my life is beautiful and wonderful because I have you in my heart.

At this time, I don't know where there was a rumor that Zhu Qian had always liked me, and I was very happy. And I hope it is true. However, Su Meng regards me as her competitor. Every time she sees me, she is always confused. The more she does this, the more I feel that I just want to fight with her. Even with Zhu Qian, no matter how difficult it is, it will become easy. I will never give up. I think giving up is the most helpless choice in life, so I don't want to give up. Gradually, when I go out every day, I can see a vibrant self in the mirror, and my classmates who are familiar with me can't help but marvel, Qian Qian, so you are really a rough jade.

I always call him once every weekend to tell him about the recent school trends and changes.

In the face of Su Meng, I sometimes tell her frankly that we are in constant contact, specifically to annoy her. Both he and I regard this year's separation as a tempering period. This year, we retired from each other's lives because we all had expectations. He is waiting to see my amazing transformation, and I will practice slowly until I can match him.

Their Su Meng said in a sour tone, hum, there is something wrong with the brain. I'm too lazy to argue. I still live and learn wonderfully in spring.

Near graduation, Su Meng applied for a scholarship to Britain, and left the school after defending in advance. I was sent to graduate school, waiting for the arrival of Zhu Qian like a newborn butterfly.

Only after that, Zhu Qian made a pleasant phone call and went to a city in the south. I'll never hear anything about Zhu Qian again, just like a kite with a broken thread. He is like a drop of dew dripping into the soil and completely disappearing into my life.

It was my lonely day, and Su Meng often wrote to me. She showed off the colorful life of studying abroad without trace, and laughed at me in a disguised but obviously gloating tone, saying that without Zhu Qian, you would be back to your original shape.

Then one day, she called me and said that Zhu Qian had written to her. Her tone was filled with pride of victory and contempt for me.

After crying in the autumn rain, I burned all the diaries written for Zhu Qian. I am determined to study hard and live a beautiful life. Many years later, I will make Su Meng feel ashamed of my contempt, and I will regret leaving without saying goodbye when I see Zhu Qian again one day.

A few years later, I ended my visit to Japan and returned to China to work as a teacher in a university.

Spring has suddenly come. Unexpectedly, I received an invitation from Su Meng, but the groom was not Zhu Qian.

At her wedding, I met Zhu Qian whom I hadn't seen for years. He was as bright-eyed and mischievous as before, and even gave me a big hug when he saw me. But I dodge in the vast space.

I couldn't help feeling deeply and didn't want to see him, but I couldn't help asking him why he wasn't with Su Meng.

He smiled regretfully and said that in fact, on the night of graduation, he once confessed to Su Meng when the lights were turned off, but he didn't get her response. Maybe she drank a little too much, maybe she has always been a maverick girl, and she has her own set of life principles.

At that moment I was so shocked that I could hardly speak. It turned out that he told her that he was so romantic. Later, I asked Zhu Qian, why didn't you leave me a phone number when you went to the south? He smiled apologetically and said he was really sorry. At that time, I still liked Su Meng. I know you like me, but I just like her. Then I figured it out, and your contact information was cut off.

I just stood there, my eyes suddenly moist. In the crowd, I saw Su Meng dressed in a formal suit. Through so many guests, she smiled at me with insolence and cunning, bright and dazzling, intelligent and beautiful.

At that moment, I suddenly understood that in the first season of youth, because of a beautiful misunderstanding, the escaped ugly duckling became an elegant black swan today. In those days when laughter and tears coexisted, I had so many sweet memories except love. This is a beautiful lie, which looks like a fairy tale. It is the secret that one girl teaches another girl to grow up. This is our best memories of youth.