Teacher, I don’t want to live on campus, I just want to go home.

(1) Performance

Xiao Huan, 12 years old, is in the first grade of junior high school. He is a sunny, handsome and slightly reserved boy. His learning problems are extremely serious. He is unable to concentrate in almost all classes. His ability to concentrate in class is often less than 5 minutes. He is always distracted at any time and anywhere, even when the teacher is telling stories or jokes. , even if the whole class is laughing, he is always awakened by the teacher's reminder and the laughter of his classmates, and then looks confused. Looking at his expression, it is often found that he basically cannot integrate into the class. He almost never Conduct classroom exchanges on knowledge, thoughts, and emotions, because he is distracted and if you ask him what he is thinking about, he will always say: nothing.

He was as absent-minded as aphantasia.

His mobility is extremely poor. He always seems to be unable to hear the teacher’s very clear requirements and instructions. He said, I really can’t hear what you are saying. I just know that you are talking, but listen. I don’t see what you are talking about. I asked him, when the teacher is standing in front of the classroom, do you know that the teacher has arrived in the classroom and is ready to teach?

He said: I can see the teacher coming to the classroom, but I often can’t see which teacher comes to the classroom.

He is like a quiet zombie most of the time. He does not move or speak, has no attention, and just stays motionless. His mouth will keep chewing his hands or rubbing his mouth with his hands. Over and over again, like obsessive-compulsive disorder.

His self-management ability is even worse. Almost all items are in a mess. The books and homework on the table are placed like a trash can. The books, notebooks, and pens on the desktop are even more messy. Every time When the teacher in class reminded him to take out his textbooks and notebooks, he had to dig through them for a long time, unable to find what he wanted. I finally found it, but I don’t know which page to turn. When the teacher leads him to read, he often cannot find which line he is reading. Sometimes he just moves his mouth but makes no sound. His learning actions are basically unable to be consistent with the teacher. He often cannot find study materials specially distributed by teachers.

(2) The painful life of living on campus

After repeated questioning, he finally told his reasons. He said that he felt particularly miserable about the accommodation and felt very uncomfortable and always wanted to go home. I had never lived on campus before, and I couldn't meet the requirements of the school dormitories. It was too painful. I was distracted in class and often wondered whether I could not live in the dormitory or whether I could go home.

I asked him, since you are in so much pain, have you ever considered the possibility of transferring to another school. He said it was possible. The child was originally assigned to a day school by lottery, and the school was not far from home. He never considered that he would enter a boarding school. However, his parents forced him to enter this boarding school through connections. For this reason, he even talked to his parents. We had a big fight, many fights, and it has been more than three months now. Not long ago, we had a big fight about living on campus. Because of this, we did not come to school on Sunday night, but stayed at home for one more night.

I asked: If I have the ability to persuade your parents to help you transfer to a school that does not live on campus, do you think I can call them?

He said: Yes, I think they will help me transfer to another school.

Then is it because you are distracted in class and don’t pay attention to the lectures, is it mainly because you are not used to living on campus and living on campus is too painful?

He was very sure, so I asked again: Can I come to the conclusion that you are not focused in class and cannot make progress in your studies? Strictly speaking, the responsibility is not yours, but your parents' lack of respect for you. , caused by forcing yourself to enter a boarding school. If you had not entered this school, you would most likely be in a much better learning state than you are now, and you could even be at least in the middle or upper level of the class. Therefore, you have learning problems now , the responsibility is not yours. First of all, your parents don't respect you. Can you say that?

Well, yes, but I also have a responsibility. My responsibility is not studying well.

Then did your parents explain to you why they had to let you live on campus?

No, they didn’t explain it, I don’t know why. So I often argue with them.

(3) Empathy

There are some students in our school who are not allowed to live on campus. Some of the reasons are that they have health problems and cannot live on campus and can only stay at home; Others have serious family problems that prevent them from living on campus. So do you have any health problems? For example, do you have some serious physical diseases? Or are there any serious problems in your family? For example, who of the parents cannot take care of themselves and needs care?

He said: None, he is not sick, and his family is also doing well.

Then why are you still not used to living at home? Ninety-nine percent of the students in the school can live on campus, but you cannot live on campus. Others can accept living on campus and can adapt slowly. So what is your problem?

I just don’t get used to it. What other reasons are there? he said.

I said: In fact, it is easy to understand that you are not adaptable. Let me tell you clearly that as far as I know, there are many students in our school who are just like you. They also want to go home and do not want to live on campus. Because they have never lived on campus in elementary school, and most of them have lived on campus for the first time. Do you think they are suffering in their hearts?

I don’t know, it must be painful, but they don’t seem to show it.

I asked again: Do you think I can adapt here? I used to work in the headquarters, teaching high school, and I have taught high school for 22 years. This is my first time teaching junior high school and my first time working here. Do you think I can adapt? Is my heart hurting? And I'm so old.

I don’t know, maybe I’m not used to it.

How do you know I’m not used to it? Do you see that I am not used to it?

He said: I didn’t see it.

Let me tell you clearly now: I am also very uncomfortable. Many times I am also very painful and uncomfortable, because I have worked for more than 20 years and have never met students like you. I tried hard to empathize with him. I continued: I will retire in more than 10 years. Do you think I will be in pain for 10 more years? Do you think there will be any physical problems with me?

He nodded and looked at me sympathetically: Something will go wrong.

I said: You only stay here for 3 years, I want more than ten years, can you tell me, what should I do?

He shook his head.

I asked: Have you ever been injured? When you get injured, does that wound always hurt, or does it only hurt when you notice it?

He said: It hurts when he is injured. If he doesn't pay attention to it, he won't feel the pain.

I said again: Just now you said that your foot was very uncomfortable and injured, and it kept dangling in front of me. It made me dizzy, and I scolded me, "If you dab it again, I will." Kick you down." Then you stopped shaking. It has been several minutes. Does your foot still hurt? Are you still feeling as uncomfortable as before?

He said: It’s much better, not so uncomfortable anymore.

What is the reason?

Attention shifted.

Then tell me, I am not used to this school now, what should I do?

Divert attention.

Then you are always arguing every day that you cannot adapt to living on campus. Living on campus is very painful, so what should you do?

Divert attention.

Well, there are so many of our classmates who will definitely not adapt to living on campus at first, but it is normal to not adapt. If you think about not adapting or not adapting every day, and pay attention to this matter every day, you must It will be very painful, and most students can quickly go from being unfit to adapting. The simplest way is not to think about it, think about it as little as possible, and put your energy into studying. Soon the problem of not adapting will not matter, and you But it is repeated and magnified every day. In fact, you said it yourself, is it really painful to live on campus? Can you really not stand it? It's just that your mind is always focused on your discomfort every day, so your discomfort is particularly serious.

It's like if you are injured, you have to open your wound with your hands every day and show it to others: I am injured, I am injured, will it hurt every day? And if you don't care about him at all, he will naturally not It hurts and gets better soon?

This problem seems to be solved happily.

(4) Severe inattention

I asked again: So you have such poor concentration in class, what should you do about this problem? Have you checked with a relevant expert or doctor?

He said: I did a lot of tests in Guangzhou, and they didn't find anything wrong. The doctor said everything was normal, but the report said: severe inattention.

In other words, from the perspective of scientific examination and professional judgment, there is no problem with your body and psychology. Can you say that?

Yes, there must be no problem and it has been specially checked.

Strictly speaking: Your lack of concentration is still severe. This conclusion is unfounded. Can you say so?

You can put it this way.

Let’s sum it up. First, you can’t concentrate in class. The first and main reason is that your parents don’t respect you and forcefully transfer you to a boarding school. It makes you feel very painful and makes you unable to concentrate on your studies in class. The second reason is that you cannot concentrate. Judging from the professional perspectives of body and psychology, you have no problem. This is a very clear fact.

Yes, I have no problem, and I may have some responsibility.

He basically agreed with my analysis.

(5) You have no problem

So why can’t you concentrate on studying? Is there no reason for this problem at all?

Yes, I don’t know either!

On the one hand, we have found the reason, but on the other hand, we have not found the reason. You are so complicated! But as a veteran teacher of more than 20 years, I can tell you clearly that there is essentially no problem with your IQ, your learning ability, including your concentration, and there is no problem with you at all!

He looked at me blankly.

Because I got an important piece of information from your mother. If it hadn’t been for this piece of information, I would have always thought that you were a student with mental or psychological problems. For example, if you had a low IQ, you Suffering from some degree of mental illness. But I can now judge you from a very professional perspective: you have no problem. Not only do you have no problem, but your IQ and concentration are both higher than other students. Not only that, you are very likely to Even better than the outstanding students in the outstanding class next to us. Do you know what you are particularly good at?

I don’t know, what is it? His pupils dilated.

This is what your mother told me. I don’t know if your mother was exaggerating when she expressed it to me. Anyway, I don’t know much about you. Guess what your mother told me about you. ?

I really don’t know.

What your mother told me is... This is a message she sent me a long time ago, but I always remember what your mother told me. This is what I always The reason why I don’t give up on you is also the reason why I continue to firmly believe that you will get better and better. Can you really not think of any advantages your mother told you about you?

I don’t know, we just quarrel a lot.

Well, let me tell you the exact words your mother told me. She said that when you arrange for your family to travel, especially to strange places like Shanghai, do you remember the place names and routes? You are very clear, and you will comprehensively plan the entire event. You can think of everything comprehensively and design it very carefully. This ability is far beyond the ability of even a middle school student, and many adults cannot do it. Is it true what your mother told me?

Well, it’s true.

Is she exaggerating?

Well, it’s not an exaggeration.

What does this mean? If you have severe inattention, is it possible for you to make careful plans? Is it possible for you to remember so many unfamiliar place names and routes? Your careful plan, do you think our students with excellent grades can pull it off?

He puffed up his chest: Yes! I also feel that I am better than others.

What does this indicate? Can you say this: Your so-called severe lack of concentration basically does not exist, so no problem can be found in various professional inspections. You are just selectively inattentive, which means that you are only inattentive in learning, but you are very concentrated in the aspects that interest you. Not only are you concentrated, but you are also very powerful and excellent! You are like a house. You have closed the door to study. The knowledge taught by the teacher cannot enter, and your attention cannot enter the study. However, you have opened a window for yourself, and you can go in and out of this window. Out, very free. Is that what you mean? Can you understand my metaphor?

Yes, I understand.

Well, this is easy to handle. First of all, you don’t have a problem with concentration. You just want to concentrate on your studies, right? You only need to open a small crack in the door to let the knowledge taught by the teacher and the words that must be memorized in the textbook slip in. Are you able to improve your studies? Don't close yourself off so tightly, just open a little crack. If you use your high IQ and strong concentration to learn, can you achieve very obvious progress?

Yes, I understand.

So, now, the problem has become very simple.

(6) Mobile phone problem

Then I want to know when did you start not being able to learn, and when did you start not listening to the lectures or listening?

When I was in the fifth grade of elementary school.

What happened at that time that made you unable to learn or listen?

Mainly playing on my mobile phone. I go home and play on my mobile phone after school every day. I play until one or two o'clock at night, and then I doze off during the day and can't listen to the class.

Oh, it turns out that the fundamental problem is here! Then you repeatedly emphasized at the beginning that you were not adaptable to living on campus and felt that living on campus was very painful. Is the reason why it was not a matter of not adapting at all? Your fundamental reason was that you could not use your mobile phone after living on campus, right? What you said earlier about living on campus is very painful, is that just an excuse?

He lowered his head shyly: Yes.

Then tell me how long have you been playing with your phone like this? Can you control yourself?

It must have been about a year and a half, until the sixth grade. I also controlled it for a while, but I didn’t control it during the holidays, so when I heard that I was asked to live on campus, I was very angry. , just quarreled with them. It’s so painful not being able to play with your phone!

Well, I finally understand your problem. Have you ever felt that your scheming is so deep? The real reason for your poor study has always been hidden so deeply. You and your parents had a big fight and couldn't live in school. Complain to your class teacher about how uncomfortable you are with living on campus. You tell me every time that you can't concentrate in class mainly because living on campus is too painful. You get distracted in class and always think about how to stop living on campus. These are actually your fault. Excuse, is that it?

Pretty much.

You are finally honest, which makes my efforts not in vain. According to my experience, in fact, you are almost addicted to mobile phones, right? Have you ever heard of the term cell phone addiction? It’s just that you are severely dependent and can’t control yourself at all. If you don’t play with your mobile phone for a while, you will feel uncomfortable all over. Without your mobile phone to play, even living is meaningless. Apart from your mobile phone, you can do without almost anything else. Do you feel this way?

Well, almost.

According to my experience, a person who is addicted to something, such as drug addiction, alcohol addiction, or gambling addiction, is often caused by not cherishing himself and hating himself. Why do people hate themselves? In fact, it cannot be said that I hate myself, but I hate my parents. Because some of the behaviors of my parents made me particularly disgusted, but they gave birth to me and gave me life, but I hated them very much, so I began not to cherish myself and started to ruin myself. You talk about whether you are wasting your life by not studying and being addicted to mobile phones. You are retaliating against them by wasting your studies and wasting your life. Tell me, do you really hate them in your heart? Were you a left-behind child when you were young? Didn’t you grow up with them? Did your parents throw you to your hometown and let the elderly take care of you, and they came to Guangzhou to work, and then took you back to their side? What do they do?

I hate them very much, but I am not a left-behind child. We have always lived together, but they never care about me. I was raised by my grandparents. They are busy all day long and have no time at all. Take me, my father is engaged in surveying and is often away from home for a long time. My mother works in a bank and is very busy every day. She comes home very late, so my grandparents take care of me, and they usually ignore me and take care of me. It's usually noisy. I hate them very much.

Yes, they gave birth to you but did not raise you. They raised you but only made noises about you. It is indeed very annoying. Then you can understand the reason why they have to send you to this residential school instead of the day school. Do they want to control you by living on campus to stop playing with your mobile phone? Woolen cloth?

Yes, that’s why I was very angry and had quarrels several times because of this matter.

Then why did you say before that you have no idea why they sent you to this school? We also analyzed earlier that if you did not come here at that time, but went directly to the day school close to home, we also analyzed that your grades may be much better than your current grades here. So now, do you think, Will my grades be good?

No, because you will have more fun playing on your mobile phone! It can only be worse than this.

Then why are you so angry? You also said that your parents don't respect you. In fact, you just want to play with your mobile phone. If you are allowed to play with your mobile phone here, wouldn't it be wrong if you live on campus here? In pain?

Of course, that would be a lot more comfortable.

Then tell me, if you are in day school and still play with your mobile phone every day, what will happen? Will you go to bed later every day? If you play like this for three or four years and go to bed at one or two o'clock every night, will there be any problems with your body? Will your grades get worse? Is your junior high school completely abandoned?

Yes. Definitely.

Then your parents just transferred you to another school, and when you come here, tell me if they are trying to save you!

Yes.

You said that if they don’t raise you after you are born, are they also afraid that you will become a useless person? If you think about it again, they are so busy every day. Are they over 40 now? Do you know what will happen to people after they reach 40? High blood pressure, diabetes, and other diseases that can kill people at any time may appear, and they are so busy. Can you tell me whether your parents will have any health problems now?

My father now has high blood pressure.

Have you ever had that thought? Just when your parents don't let you play with your mobile phone, you hate them so much that you wish they would get seriously ill and die. Have you ever had this thought?

Yes.

Has it really happened?

It really happened.

Is it scary?

Terrible!

Abnormal?

Abnormal!

What to do?

It has to be changed!

If I called your parents now and advised them to help you transfer to another day school, would you agree?

Disagree.

Do you want to transfer to another school?

No more transfer.

Do you want to apologize to your parents?

Yes, I’m sorry!

(7) You are not bad at all

Your parents should be high-level intellectuals, almost social elites, and according to your previous analysis, your physical and psychological There is no problem. Your IQ is very high and your concentration is actually very strong. It’s just that you have been closed off and blocked by yourself in terms of learning; especially your rebellion against your parents, which made you use the method of destroying yourself. Fight them, take revenge on them, so that you don’t even know that you have become abnormal and scary. If you really want to change, in fact, the genes passed on to you by your parents determine that you are not a fool, and you have a high IQ. , high ability, as long as you no longer fight against your parents, can you change yourself? That’s all we’ll talk about today, I want to witness your change!

(8) Afterwords

Behind a problematic child there must be a problematic family.

The family is the real soil for children’s problems.

Children's dislike of themselves often stems from their dislike of their parents. Life is a gift from parents to their children, and once there are obstacles in the relationship, the children will say in their hearts, I don’t want your gift anymore... So they start to destroy this gift wantonly...

Parents love their children deeply, but they often love blindly. Parents wholeheartedly help their children grow, but they often hinder their children's growth.

Children are the mirror of their families, and their behavior at school is derived from the reflection of their behavior at home.

The essence of life is relationship, and the core of relationship is the parent-child relationship. No matter what kind of relationship, it cannot replace the relationship between mother and son, or father and son. The essence of the parent-child relationship is often the child's relationship with life. Whether a child has the power of life often depends on the relationship between the child and his parents.

Several very real problems:

1. Xiao Huan’s attention is extremely distracted in class, and he can’t focus on the class at all. How to solve this problem?

At present, as ordinary teachers, we have almost no solution. It was so difficult that even dozens of calls in one class could not regain his distracted attention. We have tried countless times, but it is currently difficult to solve based on our ability.

2. What should I do if his exam seriously lowers the average score of the class? If the class average is low, you will definitely be criticized by the leader!

There is almost no way, and the methods we currently adopt are basically ineffective. He needs someone to provide special reinforcement. The problem of lowering the average score caused by him can only be accepted. There is a lot of work, and we work extremely hard, but often we may not get a little gain. This is often unavoidable in the teaching process. Every day There is almost no escape from one’s teaching career. I can only rely on my professional conscience to minimize my dislike of him.

If there is a possibility of improving him, firstly, special countermeasures are needed and more energy is required. For example, special learning tasks should be arranged in the places where he is most likely to master the improvement and carry out Dedicated supervision and follow-up coaching every day, otherwise all regular teaching will not work in its current state. According to current observations, the things he is most likely to master are first of all the most basic parts, such as new words, English words, and poems that must be memorized. However, due to his extremely distracted attention, he will almost certainly not be able to remember it because he If you can't open your mouth to read or write, you can only use soft and hard supervision on the basis of psychological comfort - copying repeatedly to promote writing. In terms of writing, just work hard to train him to write enough words, because as long as the number of words is enough, no matter how off-topic he is, his composition will not only score more than ten points, but can score more than 30 points. This alone can greatly improve his writing skills. total score. The second is the power of parents. If the child is already like this, if the parents do not make special efforts and rely only on the school teachers, there is almost no possibility of change.

Under the pressure of strong teaching tasks, school teachers often find it difficult to make long-term plans and measures that are truly suitable for children's growth. Teachers can only complete their immediate urgent teaching tasks first, and only on this basis can they consider the long-term comprehensive development of children. , and parents can make long-term efforts for their children, and not be anxious for immediate results, maintain their children's physical and mental health, develop their children's personal interests and hobbies, and best provide the best support for their children when they encounter situations that are completely different from ordinary people. A child's support must come from his or her parents, and only the patience, tolerance, persistence, and perseverance of the child's parents can best inspire a child's inner strength. Because parents are the source of life for their children. Of course, the vast majority of children who give up on themselves often come from their parents. It is parents who give life, and it is parents who destroy life.