Urgent joke

1. My classmate pushed the patient to the operating room for surgery. Orthopedic surgery is next door, and the sounds made by chainsaws, electric drills and other instruments are one after another: "Dong, Dong, Dong" and "Woo ~". The patient asked me, "Doctor, why is it decorated next door?" My head is full of black hair. Should I tell him I'm going to have an operation? ....

2. Recently, an attending in Corey was overjoyed and suddenly became unhappy in a few days. Asked him, he replied, "My daughter babinski is negative." Dad, neurologist, I can't afford to hurt! (Note: Babies usually seem to be positive for babinski's sign.)

3. The year before last, when I was an intern in the hospital, I treated N patients with rectal cancer continuously. The attending said with emotion on the operating table: we collect money and explode people's chrysanthemums!

4. On the front of the admission certificate of our hospital, the doctor fills in the basic information of the patient, and on the back, the family members fill in the contact information and contact relationship. One day, we found that the "relationship" column at the back of an admission ticket said: the relationship between husband and wife exists in name only.

A man brought a comatose woman to our hospital for first aid. When the doctor asked about her medical history, the man vaguely replied that the woman had a seizure in ML. The doctor suggested a head CT examination first, and the man replied, "Can you wait for her husband?"

6. A private maternity and infant health hospital in Hongkou imported an ultrasonic instrument from Europe for prenatal examination, and the parameters were not adjusted, according to European standards. Results Every Chinese mother who had a prenatal check-up was told of fetal dysplasia. In order to improve nutrition, one mother's mother-in-law gave her a broiler every day and a hoof every three days, which eventually led to her daughter-in-law's blood triglyceride breakthrough 100 (the normal value was less than 2), sudden pancreatitis, and was sent to ICU…… ... Third-class in the neighborhood. ...

7. A man accompanied another man to the hospital and was diagnosed as "urinary tract infection". The patient had a worried face. As a result, another man standing behind him patted him on the shoulder and said, "Don't worry, I will be responsible."

8. I decided to create a knowledge website for Parkinson's patients. In order to take care of patients, I intend to apply for a domain name.

"www.pppaaarrrkkkiiinnnnnsssoonnn ... CC. In this way, even if the patient has severe static tremor, the website input can be completed.

9. I just finished my medical examination and went to take the entrance examination. Watching the doctor take my blood pressure really made me sweat for his unprofessionalism. On second thought, I decided to give him a hand, so I tried to sit up straight so that my elbow was at the same level as my heart.

10. Check the medical records in the city. Orthopaedics is well-known, so we organized general graduate students to revise the selected 15 medical records overnight. After handing it in, the hospital department returned it all after reading a few pages-the one that said "Diagnosis: high paraplegia, physical examination: conscious and energetic, entering the ward ..."

1 1. Psychiatric physical examination mainly depends on questions and answers. One of the standard questions is "What's the difference between a chicken and a duck?" A patient once replied, "The chicken is a woman and the duck is a man." Even colder, the attending doctor turned to the hospital and said, "Don't forget to check AIDS."

12. The famous saying of the attending patient is: "Boys, take a magic weapon and put him away!" "Girls, come out and meet the guests ~"

13. Today, the respiratory department received a consultation form: "The patient sees mold in urine routine and invites the respiratory department to consult."

14. Family: Director Zhang, the patient can't eat by himself now. What about MS Kangding tablets for pain relief? Director Zhang: Never mind, you can plug your anus. Family member: Ah, can this medicine be stuffed into the anus? Director Zhang: This medicine was originally designed for anal plug. Family: ...

15. I talked to a patient about the surgical risks of radiofrequency ablation of atrial fibrillation and explained them one by one. As a result, the patient stared at me with pity eyes and finally said, "doctor, I am not afraid of these risks, so don't be afraid!" " "

16. Pediatric surgery, learn to follow the knife. After taking the stage, he took off the pants of the male patient. The boy grabbed his nakedness and shouted, "You bad guys, take off my pants! I want my mother ... "The junior replied," Stop it, little brother. My sister has seen someone older than you. "

17. Yesterday, an old lady in CCU suddenly lost consciousness and asked a neurologist for consultation. After reading it for a long time, the counselor of the theology department almost frowned. Finally, he couldn't bear it anymore and began to write a consultation sheet. Results the column of "illness" was written as "complicated illness" and the column of "treatment" was written as "use with caution" ...

18. A cardiologist described the duty situation in his department like this: "Sit-ups make your abdominal muscles come out."

19. A friend used to be a doctor in Shanghai XXXX Hospital. One day, a woman asked, "I'm pregnant. What subjects should I read? " When the friend was still hesitating, the senior nurse on the side replied: "Those who want children go to obstetrics, but those who don't want children go to gynecology."

20. My parents often threatened me when I was a child. If I don't study hard, I will be asked to dig feces when I grow up. So I studied hard and finally became a general surgeon, but whenever I face patients with intestinal obstruction, I always feel like a shit digger …