Bar spirit clings to people and plays tricks.

Let me talk about a small topic of parenting first.

As a mother, have you ever heard your family say, "As long as you are away, the child will be fine ..." I don't know how you feel, but after listening to it, I really can't refute it, so I can only bow my head and be silent.

Afterwards, I thought, is there something wrong with my parenting concept or method? The children I raised are all naughty children; The children that others take care of for me are quiet, gentle and obedient? Thought of here, I am ashamed, read a lot of parenting classics and communicate with experienced mothers from time to time. Why not be more comfortable and effective?

Of course, I bowed my head and said nothing, just for a moment. I always have to "break the chaos" in my heart afterwards.

Why are children "bad"?

Generally speaking, there are three kinds of "disobedience" of children.

The first one is called bar essence. Everything is a wrangling for no reason. You say out, he says stay at home; You said mom had to go to the bathroom, but he said no, asked why, "Why not?" In short, it was an argument. You went left and he went right.

The second kind is called clingy essence. Mom has to do everything. When you go out, whether you are tired or not, you can only be held by your mother. I can only sit on my mother's lap, be fed by my mother, and eat by myself when I am not at home; I can only send my mother to kindergarten. I want my mother to go to kindergarten with him.

The third kind is called a play essence. It is said that they performed well, but I don't know if they are really acting. Anyway, they suddenly collapsed, cried miserably, and broke into tears in an instant. I don't want to go to kindergarten, so I hold my legs at the door and shout "Mom, I love you" in a daze. It seems that you are sending him to purgatory. In fact, you will have a good time when you send him there, and you will bounce home when you pick him up.

Why are children "naughty" as long as I am here?

It is said that children's behavior is just the tip of the iceberg. We should not only see these "naughty" ice peaks, but also dialysis the undercurrent hidden under the water. Does he get enough love, feel safe, not lonely, be respected, and be able to control his own affairs, including his emotions? ...

Generally speaking, leverage is actually a kind of "rebellion" that you can't control your own affairs. Why don't you let me go when I want to go out to play, so that adults can go out if they want to? Why can't I pour my own water? Why can I only eat one candy and one chocolate every day? I like chocolate. My teeth are broken.

Psychological experience shows that children aged three to four are particularly prone to "rebellion", and even think that children who show "rebellion" at this age are more likely to become mentally healthy, independent and strong people, while children who do not show "rebellion" are often weak and indecisive.

But why is the child's "rebellion" easier to show in front of his mother? Just as adults are more likely to play a small temper in front of close people, children will choose a safer environment to "rebel", and the mother who has a natural life bond and has been with him for the longest time and is also the closest person is undoubtedly the best choice. In the eyes of children, this person will accept him unconditionally, tolerate him and let him have his own choices.

Also, no matter whether the child is in a "rebellious period" or not, as long as he relaxes in front of you, he will be more naughty and aggressive. If you relax, you won't deliberately control your emotions. At this time, your child's naughty nature will be revealed.

In addition, children always have a strong curiosity and thirst for knowledge about things around them, while nannies and the elderly sometimes can't understand or respond in time. Mothers seem to naturally understand the child's psychology, knowing the confusion, incomprehension and desire behind his babbling, and the child naturally becomes more active.

A clingy person is always an angel with unsatisfied love, or the one who loves you more than you think. At first, the child only knew your heartbeat, and you were the first person he looked for in this world. Your every move, smile, are deeply attracted by him, and occasionally put on a new dress or skirt, he will look at you with glowing eyes and say, "Mom, you are so beautiful!" " "Although your wrinkles have climbed to the corner of your eyes, you don't have time to slap yourself. You are the first person he wants to see when he wakes up every day, and the person he wants to hug and say good night most every night. And you, however, go out early and return late, and you can't see anyone all day long; Every night together, I also brush my mobile phone to buy things for him. Even on weekends, friends will get together to study and train.

So clingy people can only stick together all the time when you are around, coquetry, hugging and playing tricks. If they don't see you in a minute, they will start looking for you in every room of the house.

As for the essence of drama, it is not only an uncontrollable emotion, but also a way to constantly test your bottom line. His love is not satisfied, and his right to choose himself is deprived. He expressed his thoughts and choices, but he didn't get feedback from the most trusted person-his mother. He was in a hurry and had to cry and make a scene to express his position and persistence.

Some artists looked at their mother's face while crying. If mom simply ignores him, it's not that important. She will hum less and find her own way down the steps. When it comes to daily life events that are "very important" to him, such as his mother helping him to go to the toilet and his mother sending him to kindergarten, he has to insist again and again to see where his mother's bottom line is. Winning is to win a "protracted war".

There is a kind of psychology called "please personality", which wins attention and love by pleasing others. For others who don't seem to love him or pay much attention to him, comedians will use their skills to please people: "XX, it's really comfortable for you to wash your hair!" " "XXX, your cooking is delicious! Thank you! " He always seems gentle and polite.

Good or bad, can it be used to evaluate children?

Whether it's the bartender's "sovereign oath" to private plots, the clingy tactics, or the performer's "anger" at any time, it seems to be the innate ability of children, which has existed since ancient times. As old as these, there is also a criterion for judging, which is "good", especially in traditional families.

Therefore, in the baby's home, there is often such a stalemate, or language intimidation and deterrence: "The baby is good, the baby is delicious" and "Can you be good?" I am bored to death. ""if you don't behave yourself, XX won't want you! "How are you? A word is the evaluation standard, regardless of the possible reasons behind it.

Not only at home, but also on campus, there is such a general and vague evaluation from the perspective of absolute adults. A mother of "The Tree Planet" said that her son was accused of being "naughty" by his teacher when he was a child and fought with children. Later, he asked the child, only to know that the other party had stolen the kindergarten toy and hid it in his hand. The child asked the child to take it out and return it to the teacher. The other party won't do it. He tried to break the child's hand, but the teacher mistook it for a fight. At that time, I was too young to say clearly; The teacher is aggressive, and the children dare not say anything. ...

For children who have been "naughty" for a long time, their elders also like to label them: "This is a naughty child", and some labels have even been posted after puberty.

I heard an educator say that when he first started teaching, a large number of children entered his school because of poor grades. Former classmates looked down on these children, many teachers looked down on these children, and parents didn't have much hope for them. Their state is: I am like this! Many bad habits in society appear on some children. After he listened carefully to these children's voices, one child said to him, Teacher, you are the only person in the world who understands me!

For a child who is new here and forming a concept of right and wrong, his standard is formed by the cumulative reaction of adults to many things. We repeat a seemingly random sentence and a label, and sensitive children will care about their behavior because of this judgment, and then correct their behavior. And some children who can't understand this judgment will choose to be depressed, silent or more rebellious.

The clingy and playful people standing opposite the bar are often young souls who give up their nature, suppress themselves and are too cautious. When they can't express themselves to the people they love, and can't ask for respect and love, they become obedient.

Some psychologists have done experiments to compare particularly naughty children aged 2-5 with particularly good children, and found that the former's decision-making ability, planning ability, judgment, sense of responsibility and willpower in adolescence are far higher than the latter.

On the one hand, we hope to cultivate free and full children, on the other hand, we are simply and rudely pointing fingers from the perspective of adults. Is this really appropriate?

Have you ever yelled at your child when you are physically and mentally exhausted: "You are so naughty!" ?