When I was a child, I was always laughed at by my classmates because of one thing, leaving a shadow from now on. No matter what I do or say, I wonder what others will think of me. My heart is beating

When I was a child, I was always laughed at by my classmates because of one thing, leaving a shadow from now on. No matter what I do or say, I wonder what others will think of me. My heart is beating fast. One day, classmate A wore a pair of trousers with black spots.

Classmate B: You still have so much ink on your pants.

2. In an election, classmate A ran for the study committee.

Classmate A: My previous occupation was also a study committee member.

3. A classmate's campaign diary:

Today, my class is running for class cadres, as follows:

I failed in my first election as monitor.

The second campaign for battalion chief was unsuccessful.

Running for health Commissioner for the first time, oh, yeah!

I'm so happy!

4. One day, classmate A said to his classmates, our math teacher's famous saying is,

Hold out two fingers and say: Students, the key to learning math well is three.

In a word, do more exercises.

1. The child eats at his aunt's house, and her aunt cooks fish for him. The child said while eating: this fish is delicious, it would be better if it didn't put thorns!

Three women died in a car accident and went to heaven. When they got there, the angel St. Peter said, "In heaven, we have only one rule here-never step on a duck." After confirming that the three girls understand, enter heaven. There are ducks everywhere in heaven, and there are so many ducks that you can hardly step on them. Although they tried to avoid it, the first woman accidentally stepped on one.

At this time, the angel St. Peter immediately came to her with an ugly man that a woman had never seen before and told her that the punishment for stepping on a duck was to be tied to the ugly man forever.

The next day, another woman accidentally stepped on a duck. Then St. Peter came to her with another extremely disgusting man, just like the woman before. St Peter associated the second woman with the ugly man he brought.

The third one has found this cruel result. She doesn't want to be tied to an ugly and disgusting man forever. So she is very, very careful about her steps. She lived for months without stepping on any ducks.

But one day, St. Peter came to her with a super handsome guy he had never seen before. This man is not only tall and strong, but also has beautiful long eyelashes. St Peter locked them together and left without saying anything to the woman.

The woman asked the man tied to her, "I want to know why I can be tied to you forever?" I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.

A frog called the priest and asked about his fate.

The priest said, "Next year, a young girl will come to meet you."

The frog jumped up happily: "Oh, really? Was it at the prince's wedding? "

The priest said, "No, it's in her biology class next year."

The residents on the first floor don't know where to get a big dog. My home is on the sixth floor. Although I climb up and down every day, nine times out of ten I will still be called. Pick up my little nephew who is attending an English training class on Sunday and go home for dinner. Just entering the first floor, the big dog barked as usual, which gave me the willies. The little nephew was not afraid at all, but pulled up his voice and shouted, "spit." Strangely, after a few spits, the big dog actually stopped barking and made a poor "hum" sound.

When I got home, I asked my nephew how to curb such a fierce dog. The little nephew proudly said, "When the dog barks at you, it is actually saying one, and you answer twice. At this time, the dog stopped barking because he was ashamed that he could not repay the three of you. "

My brother doesn't like his mother's cooking very much, but he likes instant noodles. His mother scolded him, "You won't go out to buy lunch, will you?" Eating instant noodles is not nutritious! " The younger brother talked back and said, "I just like eating, so what!" " "

"Oh, my mother told you, instant noodles are really not a good thing. There is a young lady in your father's company. In order to save money and send it home, she eats instant noodles at noon and night in the morning. Eating instant noodles every day, she died three months later! "

Brother (frightened to disgrace): "Really?"

How can mom lie to you? "

Really? Then how did she die? "

Ok ... I had an accident when I bought instant noodles ... "

1. My third aunt, who sells newspapers in the street, said: If my newspaper can be as expensive as a pig, I will leave the rest of the newspaper to my grandson and tell him that your grandmother is rich!

Aunt Xue in the building said: Pork is too expensive. My grandson loves meat, but I can't turn into a pig for him!

The kindergarten teacher told the children in Liu Shu that all the pigs had wings and flew away, wanting to eat braised pork ribs. When pigs fly back next year, there will be braised pork ribs in kindergarten!

4. Boss Li of the gym heard the member who returned the membership card say: My wife said that the price of pigs has gone up, but you didn't see that there was less meat. Exercise my ass!

5. The butcher who sells pork in the market said to Mr. Xu, who lives by sharpening knives: Grind my ass, I will not sell pigs in the future, but sell watermelons instead, so get out of here in the future!

Aunt Zhang, who sells vegetables in the market, said to customers: Buy more mushrooms, which taste as good as pork!

7. Taxi driver Master Wang said to his wife: I'd better buy meat to eat. Do you think I got the money I earned? Just rinse the meat cleaver in the pot. What an old lady who can't live!

8. Brother Du in the mahjong hall downstairs was holding two pieces in his hand and said, Have you seen this one of mine? Pig bones without meat. Does anyone want it? Just after playing the cards, I heard Zhou, the boss at home, say that it was just right. Bones are also very popular now! Ha ha!

9. Master Zhao, who was pulling a cart, said to a fat man in the car, Quick? How fast? I haven't eaten meat for several days. How can I have the strength to be quick? Not bad, let's take a taxi!

10. Dr. Liu, a physician in the hospital, told Dr. Huang: If the price of pork goes up again, there will be no blood fat, and then the bonus will be less!

1 1. Friar Sand said to Wukong, "Brother, now Second Brother is more valuable than Master."

12, "The price of pork will rise by 50%!" As soon as the voice fell, a worker uncle shouted, "Never mind. Chairman, in this case, we will work harder! " The chairman went on to say, "Comrades, in two months, the price of vegetables in China will also rise sharply!" "Uncle shouted again:" Chairman, don't worry, we will work overtime! " "The chairman added:" Dear comrades, you moved me very much, but I have to tell you that in three months, the price of food in China will double! " "It was the uncle who shouted," Madam President, if that's the case, we'll have to work day and night. "The chairman was moved to tears. He walked off the stage, took his uncle's hand and said, "Comrade! You are really a good comrade of the party! Where do you work? " "Chairman, crematorium. "

1, the bowl fell off, and it was a big scar.

2, a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy the following: Xinjiang song and dance, lift your skull! Creepy!

3, junior high school art evening, answering session.

Hostess: "Attention, everyone, don't grab it too fast." When I finished, I began to raise my hand. "

Then I began to look at the topic and said, "Now." At this time, a player scrambled to answer.

The host said: "This classmate is a little too anxious. I' started' (shit) is still in my mouth, why did you rob me? "

4, the tiger does not send a cat, you think I am critically ill!

When I was in high school, the classroom discipline was very chaotic. In a rage, the teacher picked up XXX and said, XXX, stand on the wall for me! The whole class is cold!

6. When I was driving, the female colleague sitting next to me suddenly asked, "Why don't you wear a condom when driving?"

7. Me: That's our physics teacher. Classmate: What do you teach? Me: Chemistry.

8. In the Internet cafe, a classmate suddenly raised his hand and shouted, "Teacher!"

9. One person in our dormitory drank too much urine and then came up with a cold sentence: if you drink too much wine, you will get more.

10, buy oranges, boss: 1 yuan 5 1 kg. Me: It's too expensive, five yuan and three Jin. Boss: no, no.

1 1. My friend asked me about the computer configuration, and I said that the monitor is a color screen. (I was going to say LCD)

12 I heard a MM shouting "Give me a bowl of vipers ~!"

13, when I was at school, one day a phone call came for me, and my classmate answered it and handed it to me and said, "Your mother."

As soon as I answered the phone, I casually said: male and female. Everyone laughed wildly. I was laughed at for four years.

14, a classmate's high school classmate (a boy) walked into the noodle restaurant and shook his hair. "Boss, two onions don't want rice noodles!" After that, I added: "More rice noodles!" Boss: "Do you want rice noodles or onions?"

15, once my classmate's mother called me in the dormitory.

I am used to saying "he is not in", but this time I want to say "he is out"

The result is: "He's gone ..."

16, gg handed me a sorbet, and I took a bite and shouted, "It's burning me!"

17, went to Li Ning to buy shoes with my sister. My sister said, "Miss, how much are these shoes?"

18, once I patted my roommate's stomach, she said loudly, "Stop patting, I have urine in my stomach."

19, everyone was given badges in high school. Before a physical examination, the class teacher ran to the classroom and shouted, put on your bra and come to Zara. The audience was silent.

20. Go home on weekends when you are at school. After dinner, I was addicted to cigarettes and planned to go for a walk on the pretext. When changing shoes at the door, my father asked me why I wanted to go. I casually said, "Go have a cigarette!" As a result, my father found a pack of 555 from me and gave me a good K.

2 1, a leader of the education bureau inspected the class exercises. After the end, the PE teacher should have announced "dissolution", but in a hurry, he forgot his words and held back for a long time, shouting "retreat!"

22. In high school, there was a teacher named Jiang, who looked very much like (Tang Priest on a Chinese Odyssey). I went to ask him a question and blurted out, "Teacher Tang, this question ..."

23. One day, when I was driving on the road, I had a flat tire and asked my colleagues where there was an inflatable one. Colleagues said: the streets are full of abortions! 24. A teacher played mahjong all night. Seeing that the blackboard had not been wiped, he was furious: "Who is the farmer today?" Don't clean the blackboard! "

25. Once my uncle saw my sister-in-law wearing a big treasure and suddenly shouted, "You have such good skin, why do you still use soothing treasure?"

The name of the funniest person in history

Dong (Guangdong people like to call it a ball)

Different skin (what the hell)

Liu Chan (probably a worker's family)

Ji (very good)

Pang Guangda (so that the waist may look thinner)

Li Changfu (why bother)

Bian Zusai (take some medicine)

Fan Jian (...)

Xia (what name to pursue)

Fan Tong (may have eaten too much)

David Moses (quotation marks)

To (want to kiss)

Lin Shouye (there must be a shop at home)

Zhu Yiqun and Yang Yizhi (definitely animal lovers)

Qin Shousheng (I wonder what his parents think)

Wu Baoan (said to be the driver)

Wisteria (a very elegant name, but my father's surname is Du)

Yan Fei (laughed a lot at the roll call at the beginning of school; After 1 month's military training, I changed my name to Fei Hong Zhong, but those who didn't laugh turned over this time. )

In addition, there are:

1. The music teacher called the organ;

2. The bodybuilding teacher is called Chen Yaling;

3. The professional teacher of boiler heat treatment is Wu Yanmei;

There is a school doctor named "Duan Zhen" in the school clinic, and we don't go to see her for an injection. ......

China Construction Bank: "To be or not to be?"

Bank of China (BC): "No deposit."

Agricultural Bank of China: "Oh, no!"

China Industrial and Commercial Bank: "Love can't survive!"

China Merchants Bank (CMBC): "Deposit? White deposit! "

Industrial Bank (CIB): "Deposit one hundred."

China Development Bank (CDB): "Save it!"

Beijing Commercial Bank (BCCB): "Do you keep the white one?"

HSBC: "Still no good!"

Talking about steamed bread

Once upon a time, there was a steamed bread, which was as fat as steamed bread.

One day, Maruko was crossing the road, a car flew by and steamed bread rushed to save Maruko. As a result, there is another food in the world-pizza.

Romance: Steamed bread fell in love with sausage, and they vowed never to part, so there was another food in the world-hot dogs.

Innocent article: One day, Shantou saw his brother fighting with meatballs and lettuce and went up to stop the fight. As a result, there is another food in the world-hamburger.

Strong article: Shantou feels that he is not strong enough, and insists on drinking milk, eating eggs and exercising every day. After unremitting efforts, he finally turned into a biscuit.

From small to large: when the steamed bread was small, it was-Wangzai Little Steamed Bread.

Leisure article: steamed bread goes to the public bathhouse to take a bath, and a goat goes to take a bath, so they become-mutton buns in soup.

Horror: Shantou has the habit of sleepwalking. One morning, Shantou suddenly found that the meatballs sleeping beside him were gone. He looked for it for a long time, but he couldn't find it. When washing his face, he looked in the mirror and found himself a steamed stuffed bun.

Endeavour: Shantou went abroad to study and came back as bread.

Bite one's teeth: One day Shantou looked for a kitchen knife to fight one-on-one, and as a result, he became a small knife.

Unlucky article: One day, the steamed bread accidentally fell into the oil pan, and as a result, he became a fried dough stick.

Dear Software Engineer:

Last year, I upgraded my software "Girlfriend 7.0" to "Wife 1.0", but soon I found that a new software "Baby" was generated, which occupied a lot of space and precious memory. In addition, Madam 1.0 automatically installs itself into all the software in the system and monitors the operation of all the software in the system. My favorite game programs, such as poker 10.3, football 5.0, fishing 7.5 and horse racing 3.6, can't run under the supervision of Madam10. Now I want to restore "Wife 1.0" to "Girlfriend 7.0", but the uninstall tool can't work under the monitoring of "Wife 1.0". Please ask for help.

thank you

Software users in trouble

Reply-

Dear users:

The problem you encounter is the most common problem that many users complain about. Many people upgrade "Girlfriend 7.0" to "Wife 1.0", thinking that this is just an entertainment application, but "Wife 1.0" is actually an operating system. It is impossible to delete wife 1.0 and revert to girlfriend 7.0. Can't reply to "Girlfriend 7.0" because "Wife 1.0" is not supported. See the regulations on alimony and child support in the software user manual for details.

If there is a serious situation such as a crash, it is best to restart the machine and enter the command "C: Apologize" in DOS state. With luck, it will soon return to normal.

Although the maintenance cost of Wife 1.0 is very high, it is a very good software. Some components of wife 1.0, such as cleaning 3.0, cooking 1.5 and housekeeping 4.2, are very useful programs. It should be noted that if these components are used improperly, the system will automatically generate "nagging 9.5" and the system efficiency will be greatly reduced. The way to improve the use efficiency is to buy new software patches. I recommend two softwares, Flowers 2. 1 and Diamond 5.0.

Serious warning! ! ! Never install miniskirt Secretary 3.3, which is incompatible with Madam 1.0. Once installed, it will cause irreparable damage to the system. Good luck!

Software engineer

I hope to adopt it. ......