The so-called running-in of marriage does not come from one person’s surrender, but a two-way change!

Someone once asked me: "Sister Wan Sui, do men change when they get married? Are they not as good as before?"

"Yes, basically they will change." "

Then after thinking about it, I added, "Even the honest man in our family has changed. I have given up hope in this kind of man's virtue. "

This is a joke.

In fact, to explain the problem that most men will not be as "good" after getting married as they were when they were in love, we first need to define this "good".

The good things a man does before marriage, those gentle and considerate, those hard-working, those shameless, all the methods that move women are often not the norm, but a technique of conquest.

There is no way. Everyone says that men need to take the initiative in relationships. Women, society and culture all imply that if men do not try their best to express themselves, they will be eliminated in relationships, so even if they temporarily go against their nature , or persist even if you feel a little wronged.

After getting married, their goal is achieved and they want their lives to return to normal. It is difficult to maintain the image they had before marriage. It is like a joke, "Will you continue to feed the fish that is hooked?"

Some people may say that if you succeed, you will change your attitude. Isn’t this a lie?

Yes, it is very suspected of being deceptive, but except for a few real liars, most men do not consciously "cheat" except for the deception and no real feelings. When it comes to how this problem arises, both men and women are responsible.

Women like to enjoy the passive status of being pursued in relationships, and regard men as the main body to attack the emotional fortress. Men will concentrate all their artillery fire on the city. If they win, they will use swords and guns. Put it in storage and start getting ready to enjoy the wonderful life of a winner.

This is a natural transition. Just like after the founding of our country, the primary task shifted from class struggle to economic construction. Different stages have different goals. And there is a rule here. The more passive a woman is in love and the higher the treatment she enjoys, the greater the gap she will feel after marriage.

This is probably the case for you now, "Before marriage, he always tolerated me and was very patient with me. Whenever I had doubts or was in a bad mood, he could always enlighten me, help me, and answer my questions. "Confused" - he behaves like a lively Lei Feng without showing any personality or anger. Is this normal?

Have you ever thought about whether he was also impatient in his heart? Is this living Lei Feng really his true nature, or is he wronging himself?

In other words, apart from this perfect him, have you seen his imperfections? You stayed with him because he was good enough to you, so what did you give him? What can you give him?

Many people cannot answer these questions. Too many women who get married only because of a man's good will live in a huge deception. They often don't really understand the man they choose. They just learn to passively enjoy the so-called "good". They only see the best side of the man, get married with the best imagination, and have no regard for the real side of the man. No preparation.

This is how conflicts arise.

You think you can maintain this kind of treatment. You think he has changed, but maybe he is just returning to normal. You want him to change, but he also wants you to change. If you still follow the psychological positioning before marriage and press forward step by step, you will only make the situation remain rigid.

Let’s talk about some personal experience.

When we first got married, I also felt that he was very unhappy with me because he was not nice to me before we got married. I asked him for pre-marriage treatment. I was inconsiderate of him and always asked for too much. I only remember him saying, "In my eyes, you are a fairy." Why am I an ordinary person now? I don't care about the good things that ordinary people can get, and I will continue to be a fairy.

For a period of time we were both very unhappy. We blamed each other and felt wronged.

This is probably the running-in period of marriage, which is very painful. The thought of whether you have chosen the wrong person often comes to mind.

Later, I reflected on myself and found out that I had high demands on him because I was used to seeing him as a strong man. In fact, he, like me, also had weaknesses and fears, hoping to gain Tolerant and understanding people.

In the past, although we seemed close, we never really entered each other's hearts. Real closeness begins with mutual understanding.

If he is good to me, I should also be good to him. I will truly understand his feelings and bear his troubles. He is no longer a simple giver in our relationship, but a real beneficiary. Only then can he have the power to be with me wholeheartedly. So now we are very good. He no longer needs to "pretend" like before marriage. He can reveal his true self in front of me. The more relaxed he is, the more sincere he is.

I am no longer a fairy, but what’s the benefit of being a fairy? I am his real and passionate wife. Only by giving can I enjoy it.

I know he did not fulfill all his promises, but this is human nature. We should not be immersed in an illusory dream and fail to reach real life.

Instead of always thinking about using a knife to shave off each other's edges, it is better to start with yourself and see how to change the shape and adapt to each other.

You have to transfer some of your past rights in order to improve today's situation. The running-in of marriage is not the surrender of one person, but the change of both parties. You can't just get benefits without taking on responsibilities. Nor can he just focus on progress without making compromises.

Communicate, understand, and experience. First listen to his worries and needs, acknowledge his efforts, and then talk about your own feelings and requirements. Find a compromise and try to make both of you comfortable. .

I have seen many women tell me that they cannot communicate with men, "I almost cried, but he didn't speak", "I said a lot, but he was indifferent." It's hateful. , hate it, but if you carefully analyze the conversation between them, you will find that the so-called communication is often just one-sided condemnation and criticism. After all, it is basically "as long as you get rid of all the bad habits, our Life will be happy and contented” - this logic.

How can such communication be effective? Even in business negotiations, there are still advances and retreats, gains and losses. This kind of communication that always says "what do you want" and never "what do I want" is more emotionally damaging than negotiation.

Good communication starts from yourself. First ask, "What can I do for you?" and then say, "What can you do for me?" Like this article? Share this article with more people~ ,